I Predict

 My prediction with a Republican government with no oversight:

1. Trump will hand over Ukraine to Putin. He will withdraw all humanitarian support to Palestine and help Israel wipe out the Palestinian people.

2. Trump will die in his sleep after a year or two. JD Vance will take the presidency. There will never again be another honest election. Possibly never again any election at all.

3. They will gut all healthcare (Medicaid gone, Medicare too expensive with no benefits). Pharmaceutical and insurance companies will make healthcare decisions. 

4. No more Dept. of Education. No EPA. Our preserved lands will be drilled. We'll speed up the process of destroying the planet.

5. Women will go 4B hard in America and and things will get dangerous as fuck. Police will have no oversight and rapists will see no punishment. Women will be jailed for "false reporting" men. 

I feel, in my gut, this election was rigged. It just makes no sense. How did Kamala have such a perfect campaign and so much support? How did she get a billion in donations? How did so many Republicans say they were voting for Kamala and she couldn't hit Biden's margins?

I know Americans hate women and more than that, they hate black women. I mean, they HATE black women. Maybe she never stood a chance and we were too blind to what America really is.

A little advice: get a passport. Make sure you have available cash. Make sure you have your documents available. Don't trust white people. (I mean that, as a white person, just don't.) America is going to get a lot more dangerous and it isn't hyperbole to say that we have to be prepared.

And if you know someone who might face "special treatment" (deportation, loss of rights, unsafe living conditions), be prepared to help. There is no looking away. We didn't do enough to keep our country safe. We need to do all we can to keep our most vulnerable safe.

My Writing Assignment

I could tell you everything in my kitchen cupboards and refrigerator in less than five minutes. From the bags of frozen chicken, the popsicles to the refried beans in the cupboard and 5 cans of Star Kist tuna, I am a savant of food. I know how much mayonnaise is left in the jar and that there are only 2 hot chocolate K cups in the drawer.

There is the plastic container with the expired cottage cheese and single Key Lime Yogurt I never ate. The strawberries still in the container that aren't washed or cut.

The sour cream is watery and the roast chicken is bland.

And I'm starving.

I eat. Chicken and potatoes. A diet Coke. I think about cookies. Popcorn. I'm full but I crave more. I want sweet. I want salty. Maybe juice. Maybe a cookie. Maybe any of the endless cans of fruit or instant puddings or what else there can be.

I'm 66 years old and still standing in the same Seattle kitchen that I stood in at age 15. The summer I could no longer hold in the pain. The summer a part of me died that little bit and I did anything I could to not let it be all of me.

I was she and she stood in that kitchen with a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter and a knife. How many peanut butter sandwiches were made and consumed during that time? How many times did that knife smear peanut butter across bread as a way to keep it from knicking against an artery and ending all the sorrow?

41 years later and still living the same hunger. The same need. I'm an actress trapped in a role where the curtain never goes down.

I'm as bound to this moment as a hostage trapped in a basement wrapped in rope and duct tape and no chance of escape.

This hunger defines me. As happy as I am, as happy as I can be and yet the yawning emptiness always is there.

I'm not alone this time. At 15 there was me and I had to survive with just myself and my strength. I had to be a loving parent, a best friend, a rock in the chaos and pain. Nobody would do it for me.

Carolyn and Lea, Mollie and Lori are here now. My family grows with women who understand how hard it is and who remind me that I am not 15 years old. I am not doing this by myself. I am bound to others with the ties of love and found family.

Survival was peanut butter and wonder bread back when I was unmoored. Right now my belly is full and the dishes are washed. My brain thinks of the strawberries and Icees but I don't move. My cat sits next to me and winds her tail around my arm. She reminds me that I'm tethered to this life, this moment and we will survive.

Cravings bind me to the past. Joy allows me to live in this moment instead. I'm grateful to both because I've survived. Peanut butter sandwiches saved my life a long time ago. Now the women who love me keep me safe.

Peace and Compassion Through Kamala

 Over on Threads (my social media platform of choice) everybody is gearing into the last few days before election and trying to help/encourage people over the finish line. And I asked the witches and spellcasters, what are you doing in these last few crucial days?

So there isn't one definitive answer. But as a baby witch/crone, I believe that everything we do is marked by intention. 

Someone suggested writing Twitler's name on toilet paper and wiping one's ass and chanting "flush away" when flushing. Someone suggested burning sage daily to burn out the patriarchy (which I am doing). 

But I believe for my own practice, I want my intentions to be helpful. I want to send love out, not negativity. And therefore I am also burning lavender and orange and sending my intention thus: Peace and compassion through Kamala. 

If white women don't fuck it up (like they did for Hillary) we might finally have one of the best of us as leader. It's what we've missed. And I have great like for Joe Biden and admiration but another old, white guy was never the answer. We need a country running on feminine energy and fuel. We need a person whose compassion was created by the circumstances of an immigrant, single mother creating opportunities for her daughters. 

Female rage and female love are powerful. Women are powerhouses. The patriarchy needs to be dead and buried. Let women do the job now.

Did You Vote Yet?

 I dropped my ballot off at the Office of Elections last week. This week I have the usual writing class, physical therapy appointments and a probable dinner date with my brother and his wife.

I love my brother but politics has done a huge number on our relationship. It isn't the absolute horror of his supporting racist, misogynist policies but the lack of moral character he's shown himself to have. 

My very, most basic belief is that children should not go hungry and children should not get shot in the schools. That's my bottom of bottom lines. I don't believe anyone should go hungry, be homeless or get get shot. But the most bottom of my beliefs is children should be protected. And to say that to another human being and have that other person argue with you on those two issues: it ended something inside me. If your right to own a gun supersedes a child's right to stay alive during the school day, there's just something fundamentally wrong with you. If you can argue that some kids deserve hunger (no free school lunches, no free assistance) then there's something inhumane in you.

At this point, in this election, people are getting down to basics. It's no longer policies or budgets (although they matter), it's the basic moral fiber of America and how we see ourselves.

I don't want Kamala Harris to win because she's a democrat. I want her to win because she is what America stands for. She is born from immigrants, she was primarily raised by her mother post divorce (when she was 5) and she fought for every step she took. She was never a DEI candidate, she was simply the best candidate. 

Anyway, I have an assignment due for class tomorrow that I haven't finished and I want to take a nap. Vote. Vote. Vote.

Life Changing or Changing Lives?

 I've finished my postcards to Ohio and mailed them out. I've filled in my own ballot and will drop it off at the Office of Elections on Monday. I have donated. I wear my Cat Ladies for Kamala shirt when I'm going out where people will be.

I am, essentially, now done with the election. I have no more to give emotionally or financially. I'll repost from KamalaHQ on TikTok and Threads and of course, I'm speaking out. But it's only 2 weeks basically and I'm just going to plan my Nov 5 election watch party. I have physical therapy in the morning and I think a fruit tray and Cheetos is what I'll need. 

I've been going to a writing class on Mondays. It's at the senior center so it's focused on memoirs and I'm focused on fiction but I'm appreciating the experience. I'm the youngest in the class (huh) and it's all women. Some of these women have amazing life experiences: one was married to a diplomat, one was an AP journalist, one lived in Paris for years. I appreciate just hearing their stories.

I also appreciate the understanding that certain experiences have a lot to give, some a little and some none at all. The class has been a contrast: one day I walked out with my mind blown, the amount of knowledge that had been passed on was life changing. The very next week was dull, nothing to spark my interest, nothing to learn. Yet even realizing that some days you just show up is fine. 

One nugget of wisdom I received from the class: Write from the scar, not from the wound. (I'll let you take what you will from that. It blew my mind.)

Still and all, right now I'm completing obligations so that I can concentrate on what I want my life to feel like. I've spent so long trying to fit into structures where I didn't belong, now I get to rewrite these years to be my most happy, creative self and I'm starting to open the door to the possibilities of what that means.

I'm revisiting things that have worked for me in the past, trying to drop those things that don't fit. Press-on nails, caramel protein shakes and K-Dramas work. Cooking extravagantly, fast food and appointments don't work. Spending money is not good. Planning a vacation with my daughter is very good.

I'm learning my bliss. Life is seriously good.

The Horror of South Korea

 There is a huge problem in South Korea and it isn't the 4B movement. It's the young men. It's the rise of deep fake porn, sexual assault, sexual abuse, misogyny and patriarchy. 

These conversations keep happening and then getting swept under the rug.

Taeil, a K-Pop idol from South Korea, in the popular group of NCT, is part of a police investigation regarding rape, child abuse and assault. He has been released from his label, wiped clean from social media and started what might become a sweeping indictment issue that could span a lot of South Korean entertainment. 

The problem is of course, the society that punishes rape with suspended sentences, that don't care at all for the victims and have told victims that it's just part of a woman's life. And for men they aren't being socialized to see women as autonomous humans but rather as property.

The deep fake problem is out of control. There are chat rooms where boys can post pictures of girls, teachers, family members and within minutes someone has created a deep fake porn video with that woman's face superimposed. (This is AI generated, something the government is fighting against fixing).

However, the problem is beginning to go deeper which isn't being reported on and is coming from South Korean feminists, who have to hide because once a woman is identified as a feminist, they are doxxed, deep faked and in danger.

South Korean feminists are reaching out to feminists all over the world because these aren't just boys doing this to teachers or school mates. They are doing it to their own sisters and mothers. There have been incidents of family member rapes, nude pictures leaked...

Studies have shown that 80% of South Korean men have admitted to physical, sexual or psychological abuse of women. (Got that number from Google, btw)

Anyway, I'm not a sociologist. What I am is a K-Pop fan and a K-drama fan who can't currently enjoy entertainment currently because I'm afraid that someone I'm sighing over might be someone who has hurt a woman. 

Supposedly there will be more names coming out of South Korean entertainers who have been a part of the chat rooms and conversations which Taeil was a part of. A lot of women are sick over this right now. 

We don't know celebrities and who they really are. We don't know what men are capable of when they think they're untouchable.

This is sickening.

Things I've Learned This Week

 1. This first thing I learned yesterday when I finally (5 months after the referral was sent) got into Physical Therapy: my knee pain is very specific and not the cause of my problems. I have a nerve (femoral or sciatic) which got injured in my fall in February and it's the root cause of my worst pain and my decreased movement.

Happily it's entirely fixable through stretching, exercise and massage. My greatest fear recently has been the idea of going to Japan and not being able to walk. My therapist said that will not be a problem. 

2. Nothing makes a home feel dirtier than broken things in it. 

We had two days of severe tropical storms and flooding and my bedroom got a small flood. Pulling everything up and out has kick started me into spring cleaning (I don't care if it isn't spring) and the worst part was recognizing that I have a broken chair, broken vacuum, broken mop all taking up space. They're in the car now to go for a dump run tomorrow. 

3. Sometimes you really do want to eat an entire cucumber. With a home made reduced calorie ranch dressing. 

4. Forgiveness is key to moving on with your life. Not forgiving those who hurt or diminished you but forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for living for years in survival mode. Forgive yourself for choices and mistakes that you made. 

5. Mainstream media is dying. The New York Times had 2 recent op-eds: Joy is not a strategy (regarding Harris) and Trump could win on character alone.

Irony is also a victim in this crime.

6. Love is sometimes an obligation. Liking someone never is.

WTF Was He Thinking and Let's Get Demure With It

Donald Trump posted on his social media website, Truth Social, an endorsement from Taylor Swift. One little problem: she never endorsed him. She hates him. She votes Democrat.

Taylor Swift took a man to court for grabbing her ass at an event (and sued him for one dollar because she wanted to make a point) and she won. Taylor is not going to be okay with Trump claiming she endorsed him.

Sit back for the fireworks.

The DNC convention is taking place this week and it's going to be a celebration. I'm going to say that personally Donald Trump did one thing for my life to better it: he got me interested and learning more about government. 

On a personal level: since retirement my nervous system has really been recalibrating and I spend a lot of time sleeping. I've spent most of my life existing in a mode of hyper-vigilance and now that I'm safe, now that I'm not trying to people please or exist in unwelcome spaces: the tension and anxiety are dripping away. When I'm aware nowadays, I feel the change of not having to check out where the exits are.

Anyway, it's a really strange thing to experience.

TikTok has been exploding lately. That amazing "let's be mindful, let's be demure" trend is a joy. (Background: trans creator Jools Lebron did a video talking about "let's be mindful and not show the cha-cha's at work, let's be demure" which is just a wonderful vibe and very tongue in cheek and even Joe Biden has done it and the mad popularity has made Jools enough money to now pay for her transition surgeries). 

Also on TikTok is cucumber boy Logan "Sometimes you just need to eat an entire cucumber" who is causing cucumber shortages around the US. There is only one grocery store in all of Hilo who has cucumbers in stock. He is single handedly changing how Americans eat by showing all the wonderful and easy recipes using a cucumber and one container. I've made 2 so far and am dying to do more but wasn't able to get the cucumbers.

Also, Logan showed an easy pickling technique and I have pickled onions and carrots in my fridge now and I love this so so much.

I have 1000 postcards to fill out and send on October 15 to Ohio voters. Going to start writing them now. 

Watch this space for more updates about Swift and Trump. This is going to be fun.

A Sorceress Comes to Call by T. Kingfisher

The Blurb:    Cordelia knows her mother is . . . unusual. Their house doesn’t have any doors between rooms—there are no secrets in this house—and her mother doesn't allow Cordelia to have a single friend. Unless you count Falada, her mother's beautiful white horse. The only time Cordelia feels truly free is on her daily rides with him.

But more than simple eccentricity sets her mother apart. Other mothers don’t force their daughters to be silent and motionless for hours, sometimes days, on end. Other mothers aren’t evil sorcerers.

When her mother unexpectedly moves them into the manor home of a wealthy older Squire and his kind but keen-eyed sister, Hester, Cordelia knows this welcoming pair are to be her mother's next victims. But Cordelia feels at home for the very first time among these people, and as her mother's plans darken, she must decide how to face the woman who raised her to save the people who have become like family.

I'm a huge T. Kingfisher fan. There's almost nothing they write that I don't love (with the exception of a horror title or two). And this book is just **chef's kiss**

The story is simple: Evangeline is a sorceress. Cordelia is her daughter. Evangeline is cold, beautiful, cruel... she can 'occupy' people and make them do terrible things. Like murder. 

Her goals in life are thus: marry rich and make sure her daughter marries rich. To achieve that Evangeline finds Samuel, an older, guileless bachelor with a nice estate, an astute sister Hester and no ability to understand the viper he brought home.

Cordelia finds something in Samuel's household that she's never experienced before: safety. Hester is a lovely character. Hester will do anything to save her brother and soon, to save Cordelia too. And with a group of supportive friends (and an ex-lover), Cordelia finds a family and people worth risking everything for.

I'm not a reviewer and I won't try (for great, thorough reviews read Aztec Lady's Blog . Those are some brilliant reviews.) Hell, half the time I don't even remember the character's names a day later. I just remember how a book made me feel. And if it had major plot holes are silliness that took me out of the story.

Sorceress was the real deal. Intriguing, well-written. The evil was excellent. The betrayal of Cordelia by her mother's horse was everything. And the kindness she was shown not just by Hester and her friends, but also the servants in the house was lovely. Cordelia was a girl who wasn't allowed even the freedom to have her own thoughts. To be given safety was everything and knowing her own mother's goals and plans putting everything in danger ... exquisite.

The story did things unexpected. Everybody was resourceful and committed to helping. I didn't love the one otherworldly element introduced but it ended so perfectly that I won't quibble.

On a scale of 10: this book was a 9.2. 

A Noble Man

 A Noble Man

Carolyn sent this to me this morning and I want to share. Joe Biden is a great man and this is a wonderful watch. I teared up watching this. It isn't often anymore that you actually see someone who believes in public service and believes in Democracy the way this man does.

I believe his legacy will be a great one.

MEME ME

 

Thoughts

 According to Jesse Watters on Fox News, if a man votes for a woman candidate he will begin transitioning to becoming a woman. So I was thinking about this and realized that Republicans should be excited about that: then they'd have even more people to carry their white babies. What a win!

*

The news companies in this country are failing outrageously. They pushed the narrative of Joe Biden's age but have chosen to completely ignore Trump's age and dementia. It truly feels like they want to see Trump get elected for the clickbait so they push the narrative without truly reporting on the news.

We are actually in a place where the only reliable news is via social media. And that is crazy.

*

My social media platform is Threads and they have a kind of Trending Topic bar in the feed which I've started paying attention to. And one of the topics was about Joy Behar from The View. Multiple reports under the topic of her getting thrown out of restaurants and her contract being terminated because she's toxic.

I realized they were all Russian bots. Not a single report was true and all the reports were word for word the same. I know there are bots out there but I never saw so clearly how they push the narrative.

*

I did the White Women for Harris zoom call. My favorite speakers were women of color. Oh well. 

*

I bought Kamala shirts. One is a Cat Ladies for Kamala and the other is the Tide logo with the word VOTE on it and it says Can Remove Orange Stains. 

*

The weird thing.

Democrats are pushing the Republicans are Weird line. And it's effective as hell. Concise messaging that can't be disproven. Brilliant actually (especially when discussing anything JD Vance says). And the more you think about it...

My brother texted me this morning that a high school friend's wife passed away. We were both sad. He's a good guy. My brother knew and liked his wife. We spoke of age and how now that our contemporaries are dying we feel more vulnerable.

My brother said "I love you. Don't die unless it's directly by my hands."

I replied: "I love you too, ya weirdo."

Now I know he knows about the Democratic messaging that Repubs are weird. I know that word was probably triggering. But I also know that telling someone I love you and I could kill you, despite it being meant as a joke, is a really weird way to say I love you. And I know that for myself, setting boundaries is important, especially with my brother. And the message of calling someone weird when they say something that really is fucking weird is a wonderful, non-confrontational way of pointing out why what they said is wrong.

The Problem with White Women

I Understand the Assignment. 

It's trending on social media. White person after white person posting their "I'm a 65 year old mom of 2 in Kalamazoo and #Iunderstandthe assignment." It's all over my feed and every time I see it I cringe. Because I guarantee you: most white women don't understand the assignment.

White women want to amplify their own voices. Their stories. And they do have stories They deserve to be heard. But they can't understand that they need to let WOC amplify their voices now. Their stories. This is a time in history where the stage is set for others to take the stage and white women to work quietly in the background. 

This isn't the time to tell Black women that you've been fighting the fight since they were in diapers (saw that in a post) or that Kamala represents all women (well yeah and no because Kamala, unlike us WW,  doesn't have white privilege). And remember that Donald Trump has a lot of white women fans and probably no black women fans.

Anyway, the thing that's so cringe-worthy is how performative it's all become. I understand the assignment but don't really plan to do any of the work might be a little more honest. Or I understand the assignment and I want praise because look at how awesome I am.

I don't completely understand the assignment. Because I have spent years trying to amplify my own voice. I have worked hard to make myself the main character in my story. And now I want to be part of this moment but I don't want to make it about myself. I want to do the work but I don't know exactly what work needs to be done.

I'm prepared to listen. I want to see this amazing country of ours become what it should be under the guidance of a woman who doesn't look like me, who has worked harder and smarter than my privileged ass ever had to, and will hopefully ease the disparity in this time. 

Allyship isn't just saying the words. We need to stop performing and start learning what it really means to stand up for others and to make the world a safer place for their voices to be heard and for them to take the stage.

Equal rights doesn't mean you lose any rights you have. Amplifying other voices doesn't mean you're voiceless. It means it's time to learn.

And an Extra $500 to Keep Your Cat Alive

Murder, aka Murder Mittens had surgery today. I've already heard from the clinic that she did well and there's no problems. She's going to be in pain for awhile but I figure the pain before surgery was probably worse.

So anyway, I took her to the clinic this morning to check her in and and they asked me to pre-pay the estimate amount. That was unusual (is it unusual? It's the first time I've ever been asked to pre-pay a medical service). 

And I filled out the consent forms and on one of the forms it honestly asked if the animal stops breathing during the procedure, do you want CPR administered. And if you choose yes, and it happens, it's another $500 to be paid for that service.

It's honest to God, an extra $500 to keep your pet alive.

I need a fucking nap.

Harris/Whomever 2024

Kamala Harris 2024

I don't want to get into the whole Biden/age debate. He was forced to stand down and he did. But Joe wasn't going to go on their terms. He went on his. He dropped out of the 2024 race and endorsed Kamala Harris immediately. Forced the party into a place I don't think they wanted to go.

Not even the party: the money people. The white men with the deep pockets who run the world through "donations" and "presents". The men who own the Supreme Court and many political figures. They wanted the Democratic party in disarray. They wanted a convention full of fighting for the nomination. Joe Biden stepped on their plans and stated support for Kamala Harris right off the bat.

It was a dare and a promise. And Joe won. 

Pretty much the entire party has backed Kamala. All the candidates from 2020 have given her their endorsement. The only question is who she'll run with. There's some good choices. Unlike the Republicans who have JD Vance, more MAGA than Trump himself, she can choose almost anyone (hopefully with some military service in their history) and represent more Americans than Conservative Crazypants/Conservative Asshole do.

I don't think Kamala can win: I know Kamala can win. She's going to galvanize people. Inspire people. Someone said that Kamala will be the president who will give women their bodily autonomy, and as a black, east Indian woman: that will be amazing and correct to happen.

I think she can inspire young people to vote. Women will see her as their champion. And white women might finally step up and be allies and protectors of black women. We've forced them to the sidelines too long. We've centered ourselves for centuries. It's time to flip the script and Kamala can make that happen.

I believe Joe Biden saved our country after 4 years of a venal, lawless president. It's time for younger, forward seeing leadership and Kamala Harris is the woman.

I stand proudly with Kamala.

The World at Large

 I had a doctor's appointment today and was asked if I'm depressed or anxious. "Have you watched the news lately?" I responded.

It feels like we're in a free fall but I don't really think we are. In fact, I don't believe that things are as dire as they feel. And I'm speaking only for myself but here is my thoughts:

Joe Biden is too fucking old to be president. So is Donald Trump. And that's something that needs to be addressed when the House & Senate are blue: age limits on civil servants, term limits on civil servants. 

Project 2025 exists. And word is getting out to the country that this is what they have planned. JD Vance has also been very vocal about wanting an extreme abortion ban and an end to no-fault divorce.  Nobody is going to let him back step on his earlier words. They can scrub their websites but the internet is forever.

I truly don't believe that in November that women, youths, people who are not already MAGA will vote for Trump. I will not believe it. Everyone will be disadvantaged by Project 2025. Everyone will lose rights. Will lose access to healthcare, to education.

This entire ridiculousness regarding Biden dropping out will fade. Let it happen now while we still have 4 months before elections. Other things will happen. Biden is already out there fighting and stepping up. He'll continue to do so. 

Kamala Harris is joyfully being given someone inherently inferior to run against. She should mop the floor with him in a debate. JD Vance is an excellent foil for Kamala Harris.

Hell: JD Vance apparently called the Democratic Party a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable and want the rest of the country to be miserable with them.  I mean, if that's the platform you want to run on: We Hate Women and Cats, then do it. 

The thing I believe is that more people are good than not. More people support women's autonomy. More people support gay marriage. More people support equal rights for all Americans. 

And if Trump wins? I'm moving to Japan to teach English and live with my daughter.                             

What I've Been Watching

 Watched a few different shows recently. A recap:

I Kissed a Boy (on Hulu).  A dating reality show from the UK. Mollie told me about the second season which is I Kissed a Girl which I'm much more eager to watch.

Basically, a group of gay men meet at an Italian villa and are matched by a first kiss. Then they meet other men and decide if they want to kiss the man they're with or kiss someone else. 

It was a pleasant show. Had to have subtitles on because British people are fucking hard to understand. The parties were fun. Lots of glitter and ass-less chaps and alcohol but ultimately, my hope for any dating show is that at least one couple remains after the show. By the Where Are They Now finale show, none of the couples made it work in the real world.

A Family Affair (on Netflix). Zac Efron, Nicole Kidman, Joey King and Kathy Bates. I learned that Kathy Bates outshines any and all material she's given. The main character (played by King) was a spoiled, selfish, narcissistic child who I wanted someone to slap.

And I try never to judge on appearance but Nicole Kidman is 57 years old and has had so much work done on her face that she looks like a wax mannequin. And the chemistry between her and Zac Efron was -100. It was painful to watch.

If you want an age gap romance watch The Idea of You on Prime with Anne Hathaway and some teenager names Nicholas. That movie has a few missteps but the romance was much more believable, there was some natural chemistry and Anne Hathaway is simply radiant (because I love her, people). Much better.

Extraordinary Attorney Woo (on Netflix). K-Drama with 16 episodes. Heroine is Woo Young-Woo, an autistic attorney who is a law genius but struggles with "normal". She's surrounded by intelligent people and it's fun to watch the cases they work on and how they work together. There's a lot of subtext with misogyny, Patriarchal systems, the lack of care in Korea for autistic children (and ergo, autistic adults).

There is a romance between Young-Woo and Joon-ho, a litigant assistant (who is swoony). It isn't an easy relationship and when they hit a bad time, the understanding of how lonely it can be to be in a relationship with a person who has limited empathy for others ... well, it's really moving.

Only Murders in the Building (on Hulu). This has been around a few years. Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez living in the same apartment building in New York and solving murders. I started the first season and quit in episode 2 or 3. It just didn't hit in any way. Then I got bored and turned it back on one day and the very next scene from where I left off had me laughing. So I binged Season 1 and Season 2 in short order.

I started Season 3 but am not loving the premise. Meryl Streep playing an older ingénue and poking fun of herself. Paul Rudd playing a dick. Got bored quickly and haven't returned.

I have a few K-Dramas lined up on Netflix to watch. I like the shows that have 10 - 20 episodes. Put in a little angst, a lot of longing and some handsome men and I'm your audience. 

When the World is a Shitstorm, Make a Sandwich

It was a patty melt. My mother loved patty melts and so did I. When I was in elementary school, we actually had a Woolworth's Store with a lunch counter. It was the treat for after ballet class, my Mom and I going and sitting at the counter with patty melts and milk, seeing people we knew from Temple, just living the life.

I have almost always chosen a petty melt over a burger anytime I see it on a menu. There are a few different ways it can be made: generally differing only in choice of cheese and very occasionally, some people put a little Thousand Island dressing in them. 

A classic patty melt however is rye bread, hamburger patty, fried onions, cheese and grilled. It's distinct with richness of the meat, the bread having the earthier rye, the onions enveloping the entire mouth with the slight chew and the sharpness and then the cheese bringing it to a perfect bite. 

It was my IHOP standard. Very few places have it any more so IHOP in Hilo and Gramma's Kitchen in Honoka'a were my two places. But Gramma's closed and IHOP took it off the menu. I was told I can still order it and they'll make it but with wheat bread. 

It is not a patty melt with wheat bread.

I felt bereft. Something that has always been an enjoyment in my life is now going the way of the dinosaur. 

Then one day I thought "duh!" And I made one myself.

The problem with making something beloved is that rarely can you recreate in your kitchen what the line cook has been doing for years. Will you get the patties at perfect bite? Will you char the onions? Which cheese?

Yesterday was the day. I grated a block of cheddar. I sliced a onion into ribbons. I took my pan and sautéed onions. I didn't watch them carefully and they browned instead of turning translucent.  But they weren't burnt. I had frozen patties and tossed 2 on the pan. Covered and cooked. Perfect hint of pink in the center and brown outside. 

Jewish rye. Onions. Cheese. Patties. Mayo on the outside of the bread. Clean pan and sandwich down. Beautiful brown on the bread. Flip. Next side perfect. On the plate. Cut in half. 

And it was as good as any patty melt I've ever had anywhere. The flavors were exactly as they were supposed to be. The onions were sharp. The cheese melted and blended the flavors together. The patties perfect. And the bread was exactly right. It was the lunch counter at Woolworth's after ballet class. It was IHOP with my SIL with laughter and pleasure. It was a million small diners over 60 years. It was a comfort and a surprise. 

It was a moment when nothing was wrong but everything had an amazing brightness and possibility. It was hope on a plate. It was a classic American patty melt and something I really needed.

Overdrawn, Overwhelmed

Unless Joe Biden wins the presidency again, our country is over. The Supreme Court handed Presidential Immunity to Donald Trump, a ticket to dictatorship if he wins a second term.

We thought we were playing on a level playing field... maybe we were. Maybe the problem was that we were concentrating on the game we were playing while our opponents were focusing on the championship. 

And they used the Supreme Court to get it. 

I'm completely gutted. I know there are people out there explaining in great detail how this won't mean anything but they're completely wrong. Donald Trump will get away with his crimes. He will try to illegally steal the next election and whether successful or not, he will face no punishment.

We are going to see weaponization of the government to suit one political party and all of those rights people fought so hard to win, will disappear.

Corporations will win. People will not.

America is losing everything that made America great. 

This is the beginning of the most important fight of our lives.

19 Years

 Carolyn and I have been friends. We met on the Il Divo fansite and very quickly became close. And in 19 years we have shared everything except one thing: the same space. 

I’m going in September to Selma. I’m going to meet Carolyn. 

I’m giddy as fuck right now. 

Retirement

 It hasn’t been a full week yet, but I am officially retired. I was in Maui last week on Tuesday and Wednesday and once I came home Wednesday evening, I was no longer employed.

I left my job saying that I would be available to come back to Maui if needed whether for training or staffing purposes, I’m beginning to think that I was being too kind. I don’t know that I ever want to go back to work.

I haven’t done anything extraordinary. I’ve napped, move some furniture, cooked a little bit. I think more than anything there’s just been a sense of amazement that I can wake up in the morning and not have an immediate pressure of having to be present for somebody else.

In fact, I think one of the issues I’m having right now is with my daughter who is starting a new position. She’s having a hard time adjusting starting this new job and I feel like she’s been very greedy of my time and energy while she’s going through this.I don’t know how to possibly explain to her that as much as I want to be present and empathetic with her at all times, right now I want to simply be present for myself.

I feel like I’ve spent so much time in my life tiptoeing around other people. I spent so much time viewing inadequate. I’ve spent so much time trying to fit in. And suddenly the only place I need to fit into is my own life. And the best thing about it-is that I’ve never lived a life like this.

It’s going to take some time to learn my own flow. To figure out when to rest and when to push. To navigate my tiredness, my desires, and my intentions. I feel wonderful. Even though I’ve just begun this journey I can tell it’s going to be the most personally pleasing time of my life.

One Million Bridgerton Spoilers

 and my dissatisfaction with the last 4 episodes. 

I am openly and proudly a Polin fan. I love Nicola Coughlan and I’ve adored Penelope. Especially since Penelope is most of us: ignored, silent, faded into the background. So seeing the chubby wallflower with the stars in her eyes become the heroine was a treat for all of us wallflowers. 

And the first four episodes of Season 3 were awesome. I loved watching Colin yearn for Pen. Luke Newton did a brilliant job staring wistfully and longingly at Nicola Coughlan. And Nicola Coughlan’s breasts did a wonderful job heaving. (That woman has amazing breasts, by the way.)

So here I am on the first official day of my retirement. I have chocolate drizzled popcorn, Diet Coke and the last 4 episodes of Season 3 and … spoiler city coming:

It was too busy. Too many storylines. What was all of that?

There was too little Polin loving. In Episode 4 we got the carriage fingering so in Episode 5 we get the lovemaking which included Nicola’s breasts on display (again, gorgeous breasts) as well as more of her which all looked delectable as well as Luke’s amazing ass. I swooned. I grinned. I was greedy for more. 

So why did they spend the rest of the time fussing and sleeping separately? Colin did a 180 and suddenly became a man-child and Penelope blinked away 100 years of tears. I wanted Polin hotness and instead got Polin sogginess. 

And can I mention that Benedict’s story made no sense. I mean, I love the inclusion created in Shondaland’s Bridgerton universe. But there is no way a bisexual member of the ton is going to live a rainbow life in that time period. They fudge a lot but come on… Benedict liking dick is not going to be accepted in any version of the early 1800s unless you’re writing Science Fiction. 

And also what was that ending with Francesca? I liked her romance a lot. Someone had mentioned that she seemed a bit autistic or neurodivergent and that seemed really spot on. So her romance with Kilmartin made sense. But then his cousin showed up and Francesca couldn’t speak to her and in the carriage at the end she looked miserable. Why? What was the purpose of the cousin? Is she there for Eloise? 

I wanted to love it. I loved the first 4 but the following 4 were too busy, too much and not enough Polin loving each other. I was disappointed. 

Ya Gotta Laugh

So although I’m going to Maui next week for two days of training and returning my office equipment, I am officially no longer working my job. Today I plan to unplug all the equipment and pack it in my suitcase. I’m going to put my scrapbooking supplies out on my desk, and erase all traces of my job from my home.

I’ve been telling people that I am retiring, and the differences between what men and women are saying to me are so amazing.

Women are telling me to enjoy myself, I’ve had some nice conversations with retired women who talk about enjoying the quiet, taking the time to savor your days. I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with the woman who talked about taking cooking classes when she first retired.

Men talk about staying busy. I have yet to have a Man 👺 say anything to me about enjoying things or savoring the moment. And I realize that it’s because when men are home, they aren’t busy but women always are.

I was a single mother working a full-time job and having to keep our home clean and dinner on the table.  Even if I’d been married it would’ve been exactly the same. I have had years and years of not having time for me.

Even when Mollie went to college, I worked two jobs to help keep everything going.

I still have to cook and clean. But I no longer have to put anybody else first. I feel like this is my first ever taste of freedom. I’m excited to go forward without having any men in my life telling me who to be or what to do.

I’m still in bed and I have two out of three cats in the bed with me . I told my boss yesterday that I would not be working on Monday since I was planning on packing my equipment up over the weekend. I woke up feeling disconcerted. But now I’m watching the kitten try to catch a fly and Wednesday is cuddled right next to me , and I think this is going to be wonderful. 

The End is Nigh

 So my boss is having me come to Maui next week, train a couple of people in a couple of things they do not know, and then leave. For good. Turn in my computer, phone & scanner. Get the hell out of Dodge. Bye bye Miss American Pie.

I'm feeling all sorts of ways about it. Relief is primary. But there's so many other things. Fear. Excitement. Curiosity.

I've always loved every day I've been off work. But it's always been tempered with the understanding that I would go back to a job. So what happens when every day is Saturday?

I'm not making major retirement goals. In fact, my goals are simple: go to the gym at least twice a week and sit by the ocean at least weekly. Otherwise I'm going to slowly get projects done, work on a cleaning schedule for housework and learn to bake Jewish pastries. 

I don't want to build up the idea of retirement in my head and disappoint myself. This is becoming the "what would you do if you could do anything?" part of my life. Especially since I don't want to climb mountains or jump out of planes. Do I want to paint? Write poetry? Read? Bake bread?

What do you do when your purpose in life changes to just living your life? Going to find out sooner than planned.

3 Cats, One Kid, A Whole Lotta Stress

 I dreamt my mother was trying to kidnap my daughter. We were trying to get away from her but she was following us and constantly trying to enlist other people to help her steal my kid. Mollie and I were dodging through crowds, busting onto crowded flights, trying to hide.

Mom's been dead for 19 years. In fact, this month makes it 19 years.

The dream was just a bunch of stress saying "look at me". Stress dreams are common and have similar themes: all involving keeping Mollie safe. 

An interesting tidbit is that Mollie is providing stress for me right now. I'm trying to navigate our relationship which for Mollie, is unchanged. But the constant Mom duty and devotion is getting harder to do. She lives on a different continent, a different time zone, a different language. She just got a new job which is paying her more than my current paycheck. Being the same Mom to an adult of 23 years as I was when she was 15, is not cutting it. 

And the job is nothing but stress. I gave notice but I need to do some training before I leave. I was asked to come to Maui for a week which I declined. I'll go for 2 different overnights and will be available for further as needs dictate. But after the second training, my equipment will be turned in and I will be off staff.

I'm not worried about retiring. I'm just so fucking tired I want it to start yesterday.

My brother and I were texting and I told him it's a go, I am retiring. He's older than me and looking for a new job. Why not retire?, I asked. He said he's started really thinking about it lately. He asked me what I'm going to do to keep myself from vegetating. I said nothing. I look forward to some vegetating. Just as I look forward to getting projects done and spending more time scrapbooking and learning witchcraft. 

We all need a fuck ton less stress.

And let me tell you about the cats. OMG. The kitten is a delight. I've decided that whether it's a girl or boy doesn't matter and I naturally call cats she so she it is. Kitara is her name. She's in love with Wednesday and they play and have started cuddling. She lets me pet her when I give her food but she's still shy around me. It doesn't matter. She's so perfect as a housecat. She has no desire to be outside. She has food, friendship and fun right here and she's loving it. 

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'll be napping a lot. And later making bacon popcorn. And I'm slowly replacing all the kitchen cabinet knobs so maybe I'll be able to finish that today. Or tomorrow. Or before I turn into an asparagus. 

May 30, 2024

 Guilty!             Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty!         Guilty!         Guilty!

 Guilty!              Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty         Guilty!         Guilty!

 Guilty!              Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty!         Guilty!         Guilty!

 Guilty!              Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty!         Guilty!         Guilty!

 Guilty!              Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty!         Guilty!         Guilty!

 Guilty!              Guilty!        Guilty!        Guilty!         Guilty!         Guilty!

on all 34 counts.

 

 

End of the Working Line

 I am going to retire. I can't do this daily grind anymore. I can't keep trying to get through any more days with growing anxiety and depression. I'm so fucking unhappy that I feel like I'm trying to suck joy from a bent straw.

I asked everyone. Family, friends, strangers. (Okay, maybe not the strangers). And only one person wanted me to stay working and that was my daughter. I think her desire had more to do with my paycheck and less to do with my happiness. 

But the decision actually came from the conversation I had with my therapist. We went through the pro's and con's. We looked at it all and the realization was simply that no answer was perfect but the least damaging one was retirement. 

And I finally admitted what I hated admitting: I am severely depressed. People who know me have probably figured that out. And I've known it but didn't want to admit to the severity of it. But the truth is that I'm one of those people who stops functioning well. I don't shower. Laundry grows, garbage bags gather and I sit on my bed doing anything to distract myself. 

Sometimes I have those wonderful sparks of joy or energy and things happen. Curtains are made and hung. A lasagna is cooked, the floors sparkle. But all too often I drag myself from bed to my computer, wearing the same clothes as yesterday and trying not to take all the slings and shots sent by email to heart.

I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. But this is the only thing that feels hopeful to me right now.

Potato Salad

 I have too many potatoes. So with too many potatoes the answer is potato salad.

My mother used to make potato salad. She would use potatoes, hard boiled eggs, scallions with mayo and salt and pepper. Very plain. But good.

When I moved in with M & M, Myrna made potato salad. She added chopped pickles, a little vinegar, some mustard, a ton of seasonings and some other chopped veggies. I didn't like it. It was too busy and I missed the simplicity of my mother's.

So today I'm making some and I'll make the potato salad my mother made but from Myrna I'll add mustard, some dill and maybe a tiny tiny bit of red pepper (maybe not). 

It's Memorial Day weekend so a good time to cook a little extra and make a special something or another. 

Kitten update: We have reason to think it's a boy (sadly). However, although the kitten hasn't gotten comfortable with me yet, my daughter the cat whisperer guided me to getting the cat closer and friendlier. By the end of this weekend I intend that we'll be friends.

So: share your potato salad recipe, if you would. I'd love some new ideas.

Bits and Bobs and Bridgerton

So I went to sit on the steps outside my apartment with my 2 cats and out of nowhere this kitten shows up. Checks us out and walks away. Then comes back. And then walks into my apartment like she owns the place. Which maybe she does.

Anyway: I have 3 cats. I never argue when a cat chooses me.

Mollie gave notice at her job and is one step away from getting a new job and her current job sent her an email that they just got a contract that will involve working with K-Pop groups in Korea. She's screaming. Her job (boss) is really toxic but this could be a dream come true.

Has anyone besides me watched Bridgerton? This is Season 3 and it's Colin and Penelope and it's both adorable AF and annoying. The other seasons had burning love and desire and Colin and Pen have been circling each other since Season 1, Episode 1 so the lack of build-up was pretty apparent. And I know the big part of their story happens after their engagement but it was still a little bit of a let down.

Although I cannot wait until June 13 when the next 4 episodes drop.

Energy

 One of the things you start to figure out when in trauma therapy is that time doesn't exist as usual. Your body is holding onto things that happened 50 years ago, 40 years ago and on and on while you're moving through the world today.

Exhaustion is my BFF. I can sleep 8 hours of a good, restful sleep and an hour after waking, my ass is dragging and I need a nap. There are days where my body cannot find the energy to stay upright. I have slept 7 or 8 hours during a day and then still slept that night.

I am almost never refreshed.

This has been a great discussion in therapy and there's a lot/too much to unpack here. But suffice to say that in 60 years, sleep has never been restful. The vulnerability of being in bed with the lights out has never been a place that my body relaxes: it always in on high alert.

So negotiating energy is tricky for me. I'm usually too damned tired to make a meal. To mop a floor. To negotiate laundry and living. Then when those sometimes bursts of great energy happen (and they do), I try to take advantage of them and clear as much as possible from my to-do list. Which ultimately, exhausts me again.

So recently I've been trying some new tricks. Going to the gym tires me out but it also wakes me up. I'm not going every day, right now it's kudos if I go more than twice a week. But when I go, I notice my brain is a little sharper after. 

Sitting outside. That's a good one. I can go to the park on the ocean and watch waves and just breathe. I can also walk out of my apartment and sit on the steps with my cats. Looking at the sky helps focus.

Eating is a big energy drain/energy booster. I'm having problems feeding myself because I'm too tired to cook but living on chips or pizza rolls isn't the answer. This one I'm working on. Currently I've had a little spark in the kitchen and made a taco casserole and granola. I got a shit ton of fruits and vegetable and they are all cut and containered. I'm trying to grab a handful of something good more often and avoid bigger or heavier meals. 

Some of the drain comes from age. There's a reason 65 was considered retirement age. Honestly, the brain is a little slower. It took me 4 tries to dial the phone yesterday because my brain was fuzzy and I just couldn't get the numbers right. 

Anyway, I'm dressed for the gym right now but I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it. I'm thinking about packing a lunch and going to the park. I also want a nap.

I'm tired.

Happy Mother's Daughter's Day

 Today in the US it's Mother's Day and in Japan it's my daughter's birthday. This is quite a day for reflection and celebration.

When I became a mother and realized that Mother's Day and Mollie's birthday were always going to come at the same time, I chose to make Mother's Day unimportant. To me, I remember many birthday's being ruined as a child because my narcissist mother made it about her. I wanted it to be about Mollie. It was so important that she feel special.

But it was never quite that way. Mollie always celebrated Mother's Day and I've never had her make it less. And it's never taken away from her birthday because it just doesn't work that way. I guess when you're emotionally healthy you can make these choices.

Anyway, Mollie is 23 years old today. She has a party planned for next Saturday which is going to be amazing. She rented a "conference room" which has sitting areas and make-up tables. There will be cosplay, food and alcohol. Karaoke and games and pictures. 

She's going through some challenges right now: she gave notice at work and is currently interviewing. It's going to be okay. And her getting out of a really toxic environment is so important. 

Anyway, it's a special day. Being Mollie's mom has been the most joyful part of my life and still being her mom and sharing her life is wonderful and exciting. I celebrate her daily but on a joint celebration day like today I'm filled with happiness and gratitude.

Let Them Eat Cake

 Why? For God's sakes, why would another person do it? The CEO of Kellogg's tried and hurt his company. And now Haylee Baylee, a former model with 10 million TikTok followers went to the Met Gala dressed as a floral Marie Antoinette, said "let them eat cake" and became the last straw for a whole lot of pissed off Americans.

It was only a day after Kim Kardashian got solidly booed at the Netflix roast of Tom Brady. Not even a full year after Oprah and the Rock's missteps after the Lahaina fires. People are still furious with Elon Musk for destroying Twitter and our government for threatening to Musk TikTok and don't forget Diddy and Ashton and Mila and Lizzo and omg, JLo (who hasn't learned a thing).

So after the Kellogg's cereal killer said Let Them Eat Cereal and people agreed to eat anything but Kellogg's cereal (a boycott still taking place) what did anyone think was going to happen? In this instance: it's now Welcome to the Blocking Party.

The Met Gala was on Monday and today is Saturday and Kim Kardashian has lost 9 million followers. Taylor Swift, Beyonce, all of them... blocked. Mass blockings by the millions of ordinary Americans (who happen to be figuring out how to make their grocery money last longer when the prices have gone up and the content has gone down). 

People are tired. When millionaires are replaced by billionaires. When the housing market is no longer a place where "regular Americans" can buy a home because Zillow has bought entire neighborhoods and are driving property values out of people's reach.

I can hear my brother's voice in my head saying "so what? What does blocking Ryan Gosling on social media do?"

It blocks their access to you. You, yes you, are what they need. They need to get in front of you to sell. They sell themselves. They sell their projects and their products. Selena Gomez can't sell Rare Beauty cosmetics if her customers have blocked access. How do you know about Ryan Gosling's new movie? How do you know that Lady Gaga is selling mascara? You know because they have open channels to tell you.

And the thing is: nobody is saying that blocking Ryan Gosling means you can't go see his new movie. Go see it. Enjoy it. Enjoy the art. Admire the artist's skill. But break this shit down. Taylor Swift writes songs I like. I buy her album. But she doesn't deserve nor has she earned a larger place in my life besides that.

As a society this is something we need to do anyway. We need to stop elevating people who haven't earned it. That whole Kardashian clan needs to go. Someone making a movie shouldn't hold higher esteem in this world than your child's teacher. Taylor Swift can date an entire football team if she wants to and we need to not care.

Celebrity culture is ridiculous. And honestly while our world is burning, we need to step up and start demanding that we are the ones with power and price. If you have $27 million in the bank, you can afford to help Palestinians who are being bombed out of their homes, who have no food, whose families are on the edge of extinction.

When Lizzo is called out for being at the $75,000 a ticket Met Gala and she responds by telling people to give money to a Go Fund Me, no baby. You pay off that Go Fund Me. Pay a few of them off. Stop asking other people to carry your load.

Geez, I could go on so much here. I have been a follower of so many celebrities so much of my life. I need to start unpacking some of that myself. 

However, I unfollowed all the celebs I used to follow (but not my K-Pop boys. I know I should buy I just can't yet.) I was sad saying goodbye to Jack Black. But it's simply time to walk away. 

Let them eat cake. 

Explain the Scam

 So today in my mailbox there were the 10,000 mailings from my insurance company (I swear to whatever, they send 3 mail pieces a week), my Protect Trans Kids t-shirt and a fake diamond ring from China.

I did not order a fake diamond ring. I did not pay for a fake diamond ring. I thought maybe Lea got me a fake diamond ring since we claim to be frouses (friend/spouse) but she said it was not from her. Now was it from Carolyn or Mollie.

Online search turned up ... a scam? Other people have received the same ring with the same information and the same reference number. It says it's a 1 carat moissanite ring and although the stone looks really good, the ring part is like a 2 dollar band.

So it's a scam of some sort. But it's a nice ring. What exactly is the scam? 

Bits and Bobs and Knotty Knobs

It's Saturday morning and I'm trying to psych myself up into productivity. Which isn't really working because it's Saturday morning and I don't have to be productive. I can sit here and sip my iced coffee and let my mind wander.

What I do want to do today is go to a local gym and check it out. I'm feeling really disconnected from my physical self in a lot of ways. I've always been a sedentary person but at 65 it isn't exactly a good thing. In fact, interestingly, my appetite has decreased tremendously but I'm slowly gaining weight because of lack of movement.

I decided to try out a gym. I've gone previous times in my life and have had mixed results. My best experience was at a women's only gym and my worst was at a place that just had too many gym bros. I don't think I'm going to find a place around here that isn't full of men, but if there's a quieter time or a quieter corner...  We'll see. That's what I'm looking for.

And I need to buy shoes. Murder vomited in my shoes that were old, old, old and it made no sense to keep them. But now I own one pair of flip-flops and one pair of crocs. That's um, not feasible.

Let's see: I finished Funny Story by Emily Henry which was really good. The heroine's fiancée left her for the hero's girlfriend and now the 2 of them are living together and pretending to be in love while falling in love. It has great humor, good back stories and a slow burn that sparks perfectly.

Anyway, not much to say/write. Hope to do a little cooking this weekend and laundry. Hope to get shoes. 

Stay safe out there. 

Another One Bites the Dust

We are never fully staffed at work. We're always 1 or 2 people down. The last 2 people hired both left. One worked a week and then quit. The newest one worked 2 weeks and then ghosted.

We're never told. It's like working for a serial killer. He brings the victims in and they slowly disappear, never heard from again. You wonder what happened. You whisper. You hypothesize. But you never really know.

The people who stay are solid. Not always solid in work ethic or effort but they show up generally. You learn to work around them and are thankful that at least there's a body in the seat. 

But the ones who are there and working, the ones who still put in the effort because the work is important and some of those patients are really good people... those are the employees who have the haggard expressions. They have tricks to get through the day. They learn how to face a serial killer and emerge mostly okay. 

But it wears on you. And then the conversations around you start to change. Suddenly more and more women like you are talking about the serial killers in their lives. You start to recognize that your weariness is life long. Your exhaustion started when you were a child and you had a serial killer in your house. And he was raising a serial killer.

You start to count the serial killers in your life and as you do so, you realize that your limbs have been missing for a long time. Your killers had chopped off pieces of you and you thought those phantom limbs were real.

And the one at work: you depend on him to provide you a means to live. But depending on a killer is terrible choice. 

The life you've been living is unbearable. But you don't know if it's too late to change it. Or if you've been locked in the serial killer's basement your entire lifetime and now realize there was never an escape. 

Who Are We?

 Sometimes I'm just astounded by people. Completely baffled. 

I shouldn't watch as many videos as I do. I watch videos on You Tube, on TikTok, on Instagram. I watch progressive news and I watch funny people and I watch feminist content. And I watch videos of Trump supporters and conspiracy theorists and brief moments of misogyny (I can't watch open hate, I just can't). 

I watch people twist themselves into pretzels to justify nonsense. I watch people hate others for existing. I watch people support others having their rights stripped because they don't believe in the same God, or the same president or just because they exist in a body that someone else doesn't like.

I don't understand how these people exist. Trans kids are being killed, literally murdered, because why? What the fuck? They're just existing. Muslims, Jews, women, Palestinians. Black people always and forever. For just existing.

How do people hate enough to extinguish a life for existing beyond a line you have in your head? I really don't understand. I hate Trump with every cell of my being but I don't wish him dead. I don't wish death on anyone. Even those who have destroyed me.

I'm a Jew who bleeds for the Palestinians and also for Jews. I believe Israel is committing genocide and I'm breathless with outrage and sorrow. I don't even wish Hamas dead. I can't. Life is the only precious thing we have. I wish them to stop. I wish them to become outlaws and outcasts. But I don't wish them dead.

I absolutely hate. I wish I didn't but I do. Still the idea of taking a gun and ending someone is nonsense. Could I kill? I could kill to save my daughter's life. That's it. I don't know if I could kill to save myself. 

I just don't understand any of it anymore. Men hate women so deeply. A certain segment of Americans wish for a civil war to kill other Americans. And children are murdered for existing in their skin. People are killed for living their truth.

Who are Americans? Who have we become? 

Cloudy

 Isn't she pretty? 

She's so pretty.

She will never be mine. I have to accept that. I am sad. At least I'll get my money back. I'm done trying. She's probably too big for my space anyway.

But oh. Oh. We would have been best friends.

The Mama Bear Trap

 AztecLady has a book review on her page  Maybe She Will where there's mention of the main character, a Mother, having to go to school to advocate for her child. And Az mentioned having to advocate for her child. And it reminded me of this story:

When Mollie was in middle school in Seattle, there was a substitute teacher Mr. Green whom Mollie really liked. She would mention him occasionally and say they joked about being relatives because they had the same last name. Then one day Mollie told me that Mr. Green gave her some candy and asked her not to tell anyone because he didn't want to get in trouble for playing favorites.

I was at school the very next day. I met with the principal and explained that a teacher having a "secret" with a student is the first step in grooming. The principal did the 'oh not Mr. Green, he's a great guy, he would never...'. Anyway, I told the principal to let Mr. Green know about our conversation and to stay away from my daughter.

And I did tell Mollie. I explained how grooming works. I told her that Mr. Green might be a great guy and never harm a fly but I would never take a chance. Not with my daughter. And she understood.

Being a Mom is hell. We know what the world does to people and we need to help our kids through. Nobody has a perfect life but if we're lucky, our kids can have a safe life.

And once again, if my daughter was in the woods and there was a bear or a man: I'd rather she deal with the bear.

Bears vs. Man

Here's the new TikTok viral-on-my-page moments:

Would you (a woman) rather find a bear or a man in the forest?

How many bear attacks per year?

The 750,000 black bears of North America kill less than one person per year on the average, while men ages 18-24 are 167 times more likely to kill someone than a black bear. Most attacks by black bears are defensive reactions to a person who is too close, which is an easy situation to avoid.

Oh my, how men dislike that answer. But the numbers, in this instance, are very much not lying. Men are more dangerous. And as many women have pointed out in response, a bear will kill you but a man will do much worse. And a bear doesn't want to hurt you. The bear is reacting for its own safety. Men do want to hurt you.

Another viral moment is women dancing to messages on their phones left by an ex. There's something so satisfying to see a woman moving her body freely and with joy as man after man says 'you're crazy', 'this is why no one will ever love you', 'you're a ho and I hate you and why won't you talk to me?'

Then, on top of all this, we have The Tortured Poet's Department, the double album release by Taylor Swift. I do not consider myself a Swiftie but I think this woman is a talented songwriter and I love intelligent writing. Her album is so good. 31 songs makes it hard to listen to often but there's always another lyrical moment that happens and makes you stop. Stop and feel.

One of the things I sincerely believe about TS is that she really is exactly who she says she is. She's easily hurt, she's soft hearted and she never forgets a slight. She's 100% real. So while the crazies in the red hats try to vilify her, she's a relatable human woman that we can all get behind.

By the way: there's a women's day of protest on June 22. All female labor should cease on that day. It's another pink, pussy hat day. I feel like something like this will make those who protest feel empowered for a day but there will be no significant change. The protest needs to be bigger, last longer and have more involvement. 

Anyway, I have an hour left of work. I think I'm going to make myself a Caprese sandwich. I got the tomatoes and the mozz.

Stay safe out there ladies. And don't worry about the bears.