Saturday, April 22, 2017

Another Week Done

Welcome to Saturday.

I laid in bed this morning with a list of things I needed to get up and do and no desire to get up and do them. I work the next three days, long hours, and I need to be ready to run my ass off and work hard. Yesterday, my co-worker Carol and I painted the bathroom of our Kona office and did a damned near perfect job.

Today my neck is a little pained but my head is in a good place. So after spending an hour going through my Twitter feed and playing bingo, I got my ass up. Laundry is almost finished. Made a plan for dinner tonight (steak fajitas with refried beans and simple salad).

Still need to take the dog and myself for a walk, do some grocery shopping, get air in my tires and have a nap.

Weight loss: great moment earlier this week when I realized that I don't need to lose 100 pounds. I know that sounds strange but when you're seriously obese and look at weight loss, the idea of having to lose 100 pounds or more is staggering. At my biggest I was 276 (I think( and that meant 140 pounds to be at a healthier weight (and still overweight according to BMI charts).

I know there are people who are losing much more than that and I have so much respect for them.

So as of this morning I weighed 212.8 pounds. That's 27.2 pounds lost. I'm averaging then about 10 pounds a month which is really good. And probably not going to be sustainable in the long run. But that's okay. I'd like to see if I can get in the 190s by the end of June.

Wish me luck.

Budget is taking some hits but looks like it might start doing well after May. I'm still staying on track with the bill payments and delightfully by my birthday (late September) I'll have another bill completely gone and my Visa paid down to normal place (so the interest will be less also). So positive stuff. Just got to make it through May and Mollie's birthday.

Work is going better. I started a system for organizing myself as I travel between offices and staying on top of my tasks. It's working well right now and the doctor seems much happier with my work. So more positivity.

Mollie and I saw Beauty and the Beast last night. Have to admit that I was disappointed that it didn't stray in any big ways from the animated movie. And as much as I love Emma Watson as a human and a feminist, she's bland to me. BUT... Mollie and I were both in love with the beast as the beast. She was so funny too, because after the movie Mollie said she would have asked the enchantress for the ability to have the Prince go into Beast-mode for sexytimes.

The Beast was alpha. The prince was meh.

No writing still. Had a fun idea for Carolyn and I but have no desire to actually sit down and do the work. I don't know if I'm done with writing. But right now I'll still consider myself on hiatus.

Best to everyone.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Saturday Morning

Happy almost Easter to all of you who celebrate.

This morning on Twitter I saw a screenshot of the best exchange ever. It made life worth living:

GOP TEENS: What gun do you think Jesus would have liked?
ANSWER: A nail Gun.
GOP TEENS: Not funny. Blocked.

So welcome to Saturday. Laundry is started, dishes are done. I have hot coffee and I need to collect garbage and do a dump run.

I make dinners on Saturday and tonight I'm making Egg Roll in a Bowl with Cauliflower Rice. The egg roll is just browning ground pork with sesame oil and shoyu (I'll add garlic and onion cause it can be bland) and then taking a package of cole slaw mix and tossing that in and cooking to soften (but not too soft).

The cauliflower rice should be interesting. I bought a cauliflower yesterday and I'm going to grate it and then saute it in a little oil. It's supposed to replace rice and be tastier. We'll see.

I'm planning a long walk today. My brother showed me a great place to walk and I discovered that if you drive a little further down it's just as gorgeous but all paved. Easier on my old knees and I want to see if I can extend my walk time. I average 20 minutes and would like to make it 30.

I'm working on sensible goals right now. I'm 213 lbs (down 27 from WW start) and I decided to set a goal to get under 200 by the end of June. I've found an accountability buddy on WW, her name is Lindsey and I'm excited to make a new friend who is on the same path.

Yesterday I was tweaking (not twerking) a new budget system I'm going to try and as I worked on it, I realized that one of my major bills will be paid off in August. It just disappears off my payment schedule.

Oh my God. That is going to be huge.

So I'm kind of sparked right now.

If there's one thing I know, it's enjoy the positive moments because they don't always last. So treasure the happiness.

And happy Saturday.

Friday, April 14, 2017

What I'm Watching

I know this should say What I'm Reading but I've been on Netflix more than my book library so whatever...


It's another season of past players and now there's nobody good looking to watch so sad for me. On the other hand, there's some great playing taking place and really strategic moves so it's turning out to be a good season.

The last episode was a shocker. Player Jeff Varner was on the chopping block and doing a last minute attempt to survive and he outed Zeke as being transgender. It was a horrible moment but at the same time there was something amazing in watching everyone attack Varner for betraying a trust and refusing to allow Zeke's secret to matter.

Jeff Probst, the host of the show, proved why he's so good at his job. He guided the conversation safely for Zeke, as well as giving him time to process that he was outed on national television. He made the situation less horrible... and it was damned horrible.

I can't wait till next week.

The Good Witch

This is a Hallmark Channel show on Netflix with 2 seasons. It stars Catherine Bell as Cassie, a sweet witch who has (I think) one expression (bemused beauty) and James Denton as Sam, the doctor neighbor who starts off a little crusty and by the end of season 2 is finally playing kissy face with the witch.

It's like a lightweight Harlequin. Sweet with a little romance, a lot of good looking people living in a perfectly picturesque town and enough saccharine to cause diabetes. But I like it. Problems are easily solved, it's removed from reality and my daughter labeled it "Kid TV".

The Santa Clarita Diet

This one is okay. I'm just starting to get into it after about 5 episodes. Drew Barrymore is adorable and the premise is cute. But I'm not sure it can sustain interest.

I do like the guy who plays the husband and his bewilderment at having a zombie wife.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A Master Class ... in Me

How do I explain this?

I'm really feeling connected right now. I went through a period recently where I disconnected and was having problems caring about too much or feeling real in my life. I think that with the level of cruelty and incompetence coming from our government, it's hard to remain in a safe space in our own lives without compromising something.

So that's been a struggle.

Right now I've pretty much signed off of Facebook because that's been just too much for me to handle. I haven't closed my account because I refuse to lose my favorite bingo game but I don't go on except rarely and never make it through more than 2 or 3 posts. And usually I go only because my daughter wants me to like one of her posts.

I'm been using Twitter as a news source: I follow journalists and magazines and news sources. I choose to scroll through a lot and stop and read what matters to me. There's so much to be outraged by, so much to call our representatives about... you have to start culling through it.

I will not talk politics with my brother. I just won't. He can't/won't acknowledge how disgusting, immoral and dirty Trump is, then we can't talk. Until he acknowledges, I just won't do it anymore.

So I talk to Carolyn and I hang with my daughter and well, I lose weight. And I work a lot.

The weight loss is proving to be interesting and enjoyable. Weight Watchers has replaced my social media. I read people's stories, share their successes and difficulties and feel like I'm with my tribe. Beyond that though, I'm learning a lot about my body: how it processes food and emotions, what happens when I exercise and when I don't, what happens if I get enough sleep or not enough. 

I'm more aware of myself. And for the first time since becoming a mother, I'm concentrating on self care. Part of that is being with Mollie and being more present in her life. But part of that is saying "my turn" and making sure that I have what I need also. And I'm still learning what I need. 

This process is amazing. I'm changing my life and there's a lot of things that are evolving. I'm on hiatus from writing. I'm returning to reading slowly. It's important that I find books again that make my soul sing. My journaling is going to be going through some changes also with less regimentation and more creativity (I hope).

And I'm going to dance.


True story:

Left work early today because I could and immediately got on the phone with Carolyn so we could do what we do so well: talk.

We talked about food.
We talked about the weird hairs on our chins.
We talked about television.
We talked about food again.
We talked about politics.
We talked about each other.
We talked more about food.

After over an hour of conversation we realized a few relevant things:

1. We like to talk.
2. We obsess about food.
3. We no longer talk about romance.

We discussed closing the blog but Carolyn threatened to show the nude selfie I accidentally sent her (I was trying to send it to the debt collector who keeps calling -- that'll chase him away!!) so we agreed to keep the blog forever. (Forever is a short time under the Trump presidency. We should all be cockroach food within the year.)

But we agreed the blog should reflect where we are nowadays.

We're old. We fart. We do laundry.

Welcome to our exciting lives.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Check In

Here's to April!!  Yay and finally.

March was a butt kicker. Working too much between two offices, doing overtime and trying to fill in for an absent employee busted the month badly. I started failing at my tasks, I had no energy and I ended the month in a melt-down with my boss that thankfully resolved but did not play well at the time.

March had good weight loss: down 23 pounds now since starting Weight Watchers. Not hungry, enjoying the community online and both success and not-quite-success stories.

Budget blew up. If it wasn't for my sick co-worker who forced me into working on my day off and getting overtime, I would have been in big trouble. Instead the overtime saved my ass financially while screwing me emotionally.

I'm really hoping for a much better April.

I'm putting aside any writing plans right now and am reading The Marrying Stone by Pam Morsi. I read Simple Jess ages ago and Carolyn told me it was a trilogy so I'm starting at the beginning. I like the formality of the writing, it fits my mood right now so it's a great choice.

Mollie is on Maui with her band and having a great time.

I got the shots in my knee and although it's better, there's still pain. I'm going to have to advocate to get an MRI and get a look at what's really going on with it.

Altogether March kicked my ass and I ended it on a down. But I had some beautiful moments with my daughter and I'm feeling a lot more positive about things so I'm looking forward to April and getting back on a positive emotional track.

And I'm looking to build up my library with more literary fiction and magical realism, two genres I adore. All recs are welcome.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Letter to Melissa

Dear Melissa,

you know, since you're a friend of Mollies, that she and I have few, if any, secrets. And she tells me what's going on with her friends. She knows I care. I care because I want to know what's going on around my daughter and also because, well, I give a damn about you.

So girlfriend, I was more than a little worried to hear some of the choices you've been making. Especially with the drinking.

I know there's a good possibility that the gossip I heard isn't close to the truth. Maybe you experimented once or twice with alcohol. Hell, most kids do. I remember my brother and his friends imbibing in high school and none of them have turned into raging alcoholics or criminal underbelly types.

Drinking might be a right of passage. Just like trying cigarettes and sex and pot.

So why exactly are these rites of passages anyway? Seems that maybe we excuse things like that because there might be other things happening behind that which we want to ignore. I smoked cigarettes and pot because I was miserable as a teenager because my father sexually abused me and my mother pretended not to know.

Choices at fifteen are the same as choices at fifty-eight: we all have reasons we make them.

I'm going to tell you something that you don't know.... and I can imagine that at 15, you're rolling your eyes at an old woman giving you advice. After all, it's been over 40 years since I was your age. But see, there's something I know because I am so much older than you: I know regret. I know embarrassment. I know that there are still moments from my elementary school years that continue to make me blush. And those were innocent things.

It's easy to think you know so much with the internet at your fingers and strangers telling you what they want you to believe. But I'm not a stranger, Melissa, and I know something they don't know. I know you. I know that you're talented and you have dreams. I know that you love acting, that you're a good friend, that you have a good heart.

And I know you're going to regret the choices you're making.

At 15 years old, you're not thinking of the future but I am. I'm thinking of who you might become and I'm afraid that the choices you're making right now could change the bright future to a dimmer one. Naturally I'm afraid of teen pregnancy and Mollie knows that I'm here to help any of her friends get contraceptives if needed.

I'm also here to listen if you want to talk, sweetheart. I know you have concerns and issues that I know nothing about. I saw the bandages on your wrists too, you know.

I promise you, whatever is happening is transient. The world keeps moving and so does life. I'm here for you and so is Mollie. Confide in someone. Let someone here the truth of you and your life. And know that there are answers, there are better paths, there are other ways.

Call me. Call someone. You're an amazing person, Melissa, and I want the world for you. Let's work together to make sure you get brightness and joy.

Love you.


Sunday, March 19, 2017

Dilemma Sunday

So last night was Irish Fest at my brother's work place and Mollie and I were volunteered to work there. As was my nephew. Mollie worked putting together corner beef slider meals, nephew worked the bar and I was cashier. There was also one other person working, Mary, who made the corned beef and worked next to Mollie.

My knee is out with a possible worsened meniscal tear and so I was promised a sit down job. However, cashiering between 2 stations that were opposite each other meant I was on my feet moving. A lot.

Mollie and I didn't get a free meal. We didn't get a cut off profits. My nephew gave Mollie some money from the tip jar on the bar. At the end of the evening we hadn't eaten dinner, my knee was worse and my brother, his wife, Mary, brother's boss (possibly also nephew) went for a free celebration dinner at the steakhouse there (their meals are written off on the mall's dime) while Mollie and I went through the Burger King drive through to get something to eat.

I've always liked working the events but I didn't enjoy last night and I especially didn't enjoy the feeling of being taken advantage of. I'm thinking that was the last time I'll agreed to be volunteered. But I don't know if I'm over reacting.

I should mention that when I wrote The Fall, my brother objected to some pre-sale ads I posted that insulted the president and so he didn't/hasn't bought the book. I understand. All actions have consequences.

So am I wrong to decide to be done with volunteering? Or am I over-reacting?

Saturday, March 18, 2017

This has been a hard week. I worked on Sunday (yeah, I found the only doctor who does the occasional weekend) and I was supposed to have Thursday off. Coworker called out sick and I did six days. Not a huge deal except I was exhausted.

By yesterday I couldn't keep my eyes open and I wanted to eat anything that wasn't nailed down. I ate a piece of fried chicken at 8 am yesterday. Followed by popcorn. Didn't go over my WW points but it was tempting.

Something bad happened to my knee. I already have an ortho appointment scheduled for Friday so I'll just baby it along till then but I can't really walk. I have a bad feeling that my meniscus, which was torn over 10 years ago, tore further because of my recent added activity. I'll get a steroid shot in it for the pain and ask for an MRI to see how bad the tear is.

Listen to me.... I can tell from the pain what's happening inside my body.

My first month on my super-duper new budget plan and I blew it. Made three mistakes: I paid off a bill I wasn't supposed to pay off. I was only supposed to make a minimal payment and pay it all off next month but I decided to get ahead of the game. Bad move. I planned it that way for a reason but I let my emotions make a bad choice.

Then I miscalculated my money and had less of it. And then I paid a bill which had 2 charges on it and didn't realize that I only paid one charge and not both. So I had to make a second payment and it wasn't budgeted. I totally fucked it all up.

Good thing though: two more bills are now paid off. I worked nine hours of overtime this week so my paycheck next week should even out the budgeting woes.

I'm going to get this all in order. I know I will.

18 pounds down on WW since Feb 5. Real happy about that. I don't see any changes but others are starting to notice. What excites me is that I'm starting to get interested in cooking again. I don't have the time to do a lot of it but on a day like today I can make myself a cool lunch (low point pepperoni pizza), that makes me smile.

Other things that are a yay: found AztecLady on Twitter so now following her and Willaful. Major happiness that. My brother volunteered me to work tonight at a St. Paddy's party at the mall selling corned beef sliders so I need to ibuprofen myself into a stupor and get my game face on. I actually love working their events because it fits my extrovert personality. I flirt, tease, joke... I've been asked if I work parties as a professional. Seriously. It's so much fun.

Anyway, that's the update. Righ now it's Saturday morning and I got lots of sleep, I have hot coffee and since I can't go walk the waterfall as planned, I'm going to Frankie and Grace myself on Netflix and enjoy.

Love to you all out there.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

SMH! Feeling Sorry for Trump Supporters

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm a progressive, liberal, socialist Democrat. And I live in a home with three demented human beings. One has Alzheimers and the other two are Republicans.

I bite my tongue a lot.

But not joking, I decided one of the best ways to survive during this politically charged time is to keep my opinions to myself at the dinner table, politely but firmly stop conversations about Trump and call my senators (or Tweet/Facebook them often). I have some great representatives, I must say.

And it's worked. We've avoided fighting, we don't talk much politics and life has been pretty calm.

Recently, both my Republican family members have admitted to embarrassment of the president. Or as my SIL said last night, "I liked the message but I despise the messenger." And before anyone jumps on that: they like the economic message, not the racist one. They believe in stronger borders and a stronger military, they don't believe in banning religions.

I feel bad for them. I really do. Because to express any dismay as a Republican that the president is an amazing, flaming, orange jerkwad of astronomical proportions is to open yourself up to ridicule. Especially when there are still parts of the message that resonate with you.

I'm sympathetic. I really am. I understand why they voted for Trump and I hope that as the true despair and horror of the megalomaniac sinks in, they can keep their heads  upright and not crawl about in muck because of their shame. But I won't pile the muck on their shoulders.

I feel bad for them. I really do. Because as every day goes by, they see the horror they unleashed and as they try to defend their choice, they have to admit their own culpability and bear that weight. As well as hear and deal with the shaming that so many around them vocalize.

It isn't easy to be a Republican nowadays. And I love the ones I live with. But now I'm privy to seeing the dawning realization of what they've done and I feel sorrow for them. Never thought I'd say that. But then again, I never thought that they would both, within a week of each other, express the same embarrassment of the Cheeto in Chief.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Goal Check

I made three goals for 2017: lose weight so my knees feel better, get out of debt and start writing again.

Goal 1: Lose weight. Going well. Weight Watchers was a brilliant choice, not just because I'm losing weight (16 pounds so far) but also because I've had some over-eating days on it and gained weight (1.2 pounds) and remained accountable.

No diet will ever be perfect. But the WW community is supportive, the plan is easy and if you're willing to remain honest then results will happen.

And even more than that, there's a greater spike in energy when weight starts to come off. I can stand longer, move more and not be in as much pain. My exercise is still intermittant but there's more of it. So no complaints here.

Goal 2: Budget/Debt.  That is a longer term plan and not one that will be accomplished by the end of the year. But as someone who has always lived paycheck to paycheck, my need to stop living that way is huge.

I created a plan for myself and so far I'm sticking to it. Not counting monthly bills like the phone bill and car insurance that will never go away, I started 2017 with 12 bills that can be paid off. With the aid of a tax refund, 5 are already gone. Plus I paid off Mollie's trip to Oahu from last year as well as paid her trip to Maui this year (with some spending money put aside too).

I'll have another bill paid off by the end of March and then I'll be concentrating on getting the bigger ones gone. It's hard to stick to because there's so many things we want and some we actually need but damn t, sticking to plan and being accountable.

Goal 3: Writing.

Complete fail.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Boris and Natasha? Naw, Just Trump and His Minions...

The title says it all.

So now Sessions is remembering (oh, those faulty brains) that he might have had a conversation or two with the Russian Ambassador previous to the American Presidential elections.

Do you love it?

Basically we can infer the following:
1. Donald Trump borrowed money from Russian banks.
2. Russian banks have Donny by the short hairs.
3. Russia hacked the US elections.
4. Donny became president.
5. Donny owes Russia still and will be paying them off through the presidency.

Better than a novel and not half as believable.

But this is real life folks.

I've gone from outrage and shock to befuddlement and amusement.

Attack the press so they won't follow the money. Lie to everyone. Attack the press so they won't investigate the lies. Blame Obama.

Get busted.

Oh yeah. The dominoes are going to fall. Get your slippers on and popcorn popped. It's going to be a shitstorm folks.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Vaginal Atrophy

After menopause, women's bodies stop producing certain hormones, like estrogen. The lack of estrogen affects us differently; some women might suddenly grow whiskers, some lose their sex drive and some get vaginal atrophy.

When I first heard about vaginal atrophy I thought it was just disuse and could be reversed by more use. But that's not it at all. Atrophy thins out the skin and tissues, causing the skin to smooth out and become painful. The outside skin, becoming so thin, begins to itch painfully. The inside skin shrinking can also cause urinary issues.

Why am I writing about this? Because I had a pap today and I almost cried because it was so painful. It's never been painful before. And my practitioner told me that I have severe atrophy and will probably never have intimate relations with a man again.

She said she could put me on estrogen replacement but that, of course, carries a risk of cancer. I'm not willing to do that. I'm going to try some over the counter meds she told me about... but I'm not expecting much.

I'm reeling. I haven't been involved with anyone in years but I thought that maybe in the future when Mollie has gone on to college, that could be a possibility.

How am I supposed to feel about this? It's a little heart breaking. I never thought that someone could just tell me that I shouldn't have sex or intimacy again because it will guaranteed hurt me.

Carol and I were talking about aging, just a few hours before my pap. It was as if we knew what was coming...

Please pardon my heartbreak here. It's not that there's someone currently. It's just the idea that the door might be closed forever.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Working It!

This morning I weighed 229. Granted, that's still a hell of a lot for a small frame but... I don't know the last time I weighed less than 240.

This is a big deal for me. I'm so delighted...

Weight Watchers is turning out to be one of the best choices I ever made.

An interesting aside: I had a small bag of popcorn I was eating about a week ago and I zoned out and went into binge mode. Just shoveling it in my mouth, not tasting, just disconnected from everything. It was almost scary how oblivious I became when eating that.

In other news... there is no other news. Mollie has started playing tennis so weekends are spent hanging around the park. Writing isn't happening right now nor is reading.

Carolyn is still about planning world domination or just kitchen chaos. Funny how similar those two things are.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

White Beans and Sausage

My breakfast this morning.

And Carolyn, the recipe for the beans....

1 can white beans (Great Northern or Cannellini), drained
1 can diced tomatoes
1 sausage of any kind
1/2 cup of chicken broth (low sodium)
Italian seasonings
kale (optional)
sliced onions (optional)
diced garlic

Spray pan with cooking spray. Slice sausage and throw in (with onions if you want them). Cook a few minutes. Take out of pan. Respray. Add garlic and cook a minute. Add beans, tomatoes, broth, seasoning and heat five minutes. Add sausage and onion back in the pan, add kale and cook another 5 - 10 minutes.

Then serve.

I doubled the recipe for 4 people and it was just enough. Amazing with an over easy egg for a filling breakfast.

One serving is 7 weight watchers smart points. With egg is 9SP.

Saturday, February 18, 2017


It makes little to no sense right now... everything is going well. I love being on Weight Watchers but all this week my weight has stayed in one place. I'm writing an easy novella but I haven't written a word on it in ages.

I have tools but am accomplishing nothing. My Kindle is full of books and I'm not reading.

I can't blame this on politics because I ultimately believe Trump is about to get ousted. Not to mention I recently discovered that my brother is really thin skinned about 45 so I like to make little digs that just sets him off.

If he has a heart attack any time soon, it will probably be my fault.

I haz the ennui.

I can try to fight through it or I can just ride it out. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

Right now I might try taking a nap and then watching One Day At a Time on Netflix. It's a cute remake and I like everyone in it.

Ennui.  What a difficult time.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Weight Watchers and Woot!

One week on weight watchers and 7 pounds lost. Awesome sauce (low cal, low fat awesome sauce please).

 I should have done this ages ago.... okay, no. Because ages ago I might not have stuck to it. But now I see the loss and I'm so happy and excited. It's the right time of my life for these changes.

Mollie started playing tennis recently and she's obsessed. We spent a lot of time at the local tennis court this weekend. I walked and then chased after balls. I'm going to buy a racket too and even though I'll be slow and not a good player, at least it'll give her someone on the other side of the net.

Getting closer to finishing my novella which will be goal #3 for the year. Then there's only one left and I'm kicking ass.

So what I'm loving about weight watchers is that there's a social media aspect to it. It's called CONNECT and that's what happens: people connect. To find a group of people who have the same issues you do, are at the same weight and feeling like you feel... it's not a solitary thing. People support each other and it's like Facebook but with one goal: feeling better.

I find right now that I just spend my social media time on CONNECT or Twitter. I never used to like Twitter but now I'm hooked because I get so much political info. I read Newsweek, TIME, NY Times, CNN. I follow a ton of politicians and reporters. I know what's going on and it's invigorating.

As much as I despise our president, he's certainly gotten a lot of people aware of politics and getting involved. If he doesn't blow up the world, he might make it better because the world done got WOKE.

Just feeling joy this Monday morning.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Mollie's Shoes

I'm featured on Grok Nation today!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

You Got This

If you know me at all, then you know I tend to be a glass half empty kind of gal. Not that I'm pessimistic but I'm quite realistic with a dash of pessimism.

I didn't plan on this year being anything different than any other year but it's shaping up to be. And if there's a theme to this year it's: You Got This.

Oh, there are things that are un-gettable. Betsy DeVos being confirmed as secretary of education when she doesn't believe in public education... well, nobody can get that. Most everything dealing with Trump is undeniably batshit crazy. But we, as Americans, will somehow put the embers of the country back together after his destruction.

Right now though, I'm feeling like old behaviors can be let go. Time to stop getting in my own way and let myself win.

I got this.

Now call your senators and tell them to get to work!

Sunday, January 29, 2017

One Fucking Week and This Country is Being Run by a Nazi

Steve Bannon is running our country. You know Steve Bannon, don't you? Hates blacks, Jews, Muslims, liberals and women? And apparently he became president while all our backs were turned.

I can't articulate.... words fail me. My life is being run from news source after news source trying to figure out what comes next. They did a good job with us. They've thrown so much shit that we're running around in circles unable to even comprehend the enormity of the shitstorm.

I'm frightened because my daughter wasn't born in this country. I'm frightened because I'm Jewish. I'm frightened because I think they're trying to destroy America and our elected officials are standing idly by, not doing what we need.

I've truly never been this kind of scared before. Why aren't the democrats doing something?

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Incomprehensible Is The Only Word I Can Come Up With

Less than a week ago, women and men (mostly women) all over the world rallied and marched and made their voices heard. Less than a week later, the pee-resident has taken a photograph from that rally and claimed it as an inauguration photo.

Oh it doesn't end there. He signed the most restrictive abortion gag rule yet. He's building the wall. He's bringing back torture. He's investigating voter fraud which doesn't exist. 4 journalists are in jail. He's okayed the Dakota Pipeline which he's invested in. His nominees, almost all inappropriate, are being confirmed. State department senior staff have all quit. The Democratic party is folded. They're not fighting.

The pee-resident has signed more executive orders in less than a week than Obama did in eight years. He's threatening the cities/states that went blue. He's planning to cut federal funding to any state that went for Hillary.

He's going to go after all illegals and their children. Meaning people born in this country who are Americans will be deported if their parents came in illegally. He's blocking all refugees and immigrants from Muslim countries. He probably will find a way to create a Muslim registry.

Less than a week folks.

Where do we start? What do we do? My brother is rejoicing over this? I'm sick at heart. I have headaches every day.

Donald Trump is a mentally ill fascist and impeachment should have already begun.

What the fuck is going on? What are we supposed to do?

How do we process all of this? For the first time in my life I feel like the center has fallen out. Climate change is real but our government is denying it. The pee-resident never divested from his business holdings. The right is attacking the left with fervor and the people are screaming but their elected officials aren't.

Elizabeth Warren voted to confirm Ben Carson to head HUD. WTF?? 

I want to hide. I want to cry. I want to know what can we do or are we really powerless? Do I need to be armed to protect my Muslim neighbors? Do I need to be armed to protect myself? Will they overturn Roe v Wade? Will they overturn marriage equality?

How many people will die?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

The New Abnormal

So proud of all the women and men who took part in peaceful protest for the Women's March yesterday. My knees would never have survived an hour of standing much less an entire afternoon, which broke my heart because I really wanted to go. But I spent a lot of time watching clips and looking at pictures and feeling my heart swell.

I felt like The Grinch as his heart grew and he became nice again.

Of course, now we have the Sean Spicer/Kellyanne Conway circus act. And I can't even mention Pee. Trump and his strange performance with the CIA. Might this all be a piece of performance art that nobody told us about?

Anyway, Pee. Trump claimed that his inauguration was the best attended ever even though pictures show it wasn't. Not even close. So he made Sean Spicer do a press briefing and claim the lie and threaten the press for not printing the lie (some have, trust me. If you find them, avoid them.) Then on the morning news shows Kellyanne Stepford Wife repeats the lie but calls it "alternative truth".

Take a moment and let that sink in folks.

Alternative truth.

Anybody past the age of six or seven knows that alternative truth is another way to say --lie--. Falsehood. Fib. Bullcrap. These are the people speaking for our pee-resident.

I just wrote a book about the devil and she lied less than this bunch.

Well bless their little right-wing hearts, they're obviously all drinking something unhealthy and making it obvious that America is in serious trouble. However, after yesterday, it's also obvious that America will fight back.

Straight up lying is not something we're going to accept from our government. And most people will not accept this as the new normal.

Watch out Trump. We're on to you and soon we'll be saying "you're fired!"

Friday, January 20, 2017


Well, it's happened. Something I certainly never believed could happen in America: we elected an openly dishonest con-man to be our president.

He didn't win the popular vote but neither did George W. Nowadays Republicans need the electoral college to win the presidency because the majority of America really does see the base venality at the core of their party.

What will happen under a Trump presidency? I honestly don't know. What I expect, however, is a quick erosion of rights and human dignity. Old, white men will start claiming dominion over women's bodies and ultimately their lives. Blacks, Hispanics, immigrants will stop being people to many and become talking points. Already Trump paints black neighborhoods as nothing but criminally violent drug arenas.

We have a majority of politicians who don't really know who Americans are and don't really care. They know money and getting paid off and if you think political corruption is bad, let's check in and see it in two years.

The press is already being beggared and they're rolling on their backs like abused dogs and offering their bellies. Hate crimes are rising. Antisemitism is the new black. (Bomb threats galore called into Jewish Community Centers)

I keep saying it will be okay because Trump won't last the four years. But what if I'm wrong? What if Donald Trump becomes the new normal? What if there are enough people in America who prefer hucksterism to actual change?

Walls will be built... but through neighborhoods, schools and churches. People will protest and others will discover that breaking up protests with violence is fun. We'll see more pictures of bloody Americans and headlines claiming the protesters were at fault.

Welcome to the new dark ages folks. There are some candles by the door, grab yours before they all flicker out.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Day Before Release

I'm excited. Tomorrow is my big release day, and if it goes like other release days I'll end the day with a slightly upset stomach and a feeling of despair.

I barely know how to write books. I sure as hell don't know how to sell them.

I thought planning a release on inauguration day would be fun and I could have some laughs. Unfortunately, nobody is laughing. Nobody cares.

The last book I released was my novella Surviving America's Sweetheart and it got a great review on Dear Author and sold only a handful of copies.

So this time I approach release day with the anticipation of releasing my book into the world and the sad headache and stench of disappointment souring it all.

Wish me luck.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Weight of Weight

All my life I've been afraid of a number. Terrified that someone would discover the number that shows on my scale and ... I don't know. Publish it in the paper? Tell my boss? Invalidate my existence because the number was too high?

One number and I've lived my life in fear of it.

Hello folks. My name is Lori and I currently weight 240 pounds. I'm 5 foot nothing in height so when I describe myself as having the shape of a beach ball, I'm not kidding.

This isn't the biggest I've ever been either. When I first moved to Hawaii I weighed about 276. I got down to 240 but then my knees started to really hurt and my snack-age went up and I was 250 and thought "no".

This isn't about weight loss. I finally, at age closer to 60 than not, realized that this, all of this craziness has been about a number.

Years ago I was told that at my height, my healthy weight is 100 pounds. Well that's interesting. I was 160 in high school. What's the fucking chance I'm going to ever weigh 100 pounds?

So I started to fear the number. My entire life I'd tell anybody anything about myself but never my weight. I've confessed my fears, my shames, my most embarrassing moments but I never told anyone how much I weigh.

I weigh 240 pounds today.

It's a number. One single motherfucking number that has had more control over my life than the people I love, the way I feel, more than everything.

It's never been about weight. It's always been about being told I should weigh 100 pounds and weighing more than twice that. It's about years of thinking if I could just get down to (fill in the blank) pounds then I'll be okay.

Just a stupid number.

Before anyone decides this is the time to come in and point out the health dangers of obesity and whatever else someone wants to do because they're a ridiculous human being, can I suggest you fuck off? This isn't about that. No fat person alive hasn't gotten the lectures, the tut-tutting, the loving concern from family, friends and strangers.

It isn't about that. It's about a number.

I finally realized that I no longer was afraid of that number. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not defined by it. It's part of my journey and wherever the number goes, I'll work it out.

My name is Lori and I weigh 240 pounds. And for the first time in my entire life, I'm not bothered by it.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

And the Responsibility Goes To....

I want to lose weight. No, I need to lose weight. No wait... too much weight is waiting... way much weight is weighing me down     (stop me, Carol...)

This wasn't a New Year's resolution. I realized that I wasn't happy with the constant knee pain and the first step to being pain free was putting less stress on my joints. Which meant... you got it.

My plan/intent ultimately is to join weight watchers. But right now I'm trying to jump start some weight loss so I can feel excited and proud and the best way to do that quickly and safely is to cut carbs and sugar, eat more protein, veggies and a handful of fats. It's how I lost weight pre-adoption and how I'm jump-starting right now.

My family is aware and truly, couldn't give a shit, one way or another. Okay, not true. My daughter is my personal cheering section and every day asks how I feel and have I lost any weight (I feel great and yes, I have).

I talked to my SIL who does most of the cooking and she said she supported me although was not going to add more meat to our meals. That's fine. What I didn't expect was that she would start making really carb heavy meals that I can't eat.

At first I felt hurt and declared that she was obviously sabotaging me. I sniffled, I went to bed hungry and I sniffled some more. Then I stopped. Because what my SIL chooses to do is no reflection on me or my health or my choices. I'm responsible for me, not her, and she can't sabotage me if I stay the track and remain on the path.

So here I am. I love my SIL and think that right now something is playing out that has more to do with her feelings around food and less to do with me. I need to be willing to put aside my sniffling and when there are no good choices for me, to make my own. I need to buy some groceries just for myself and be willing to take responsibility for buying and cooking my food.

And I need to remember that my health is my responsibility and my family loves me but isn't always going to make the right decisions for my care either. That's why I need to do it.

My life. I'm responsible. (May be my new motto for 2017).

Monday, January 2, 2017

Before It's Forgotten

I saw where Willaful had done a bog post saying 2016 hadn't been all bad and it made me think. There was some serious badness and sadness but there were also some things that happened that were amazing:

My sister got married. She and her partner have been together 17 years and couldn't legally marry and now they can and they did. If that isn't worth celebration, I don't know what is.

My SIL is cancer free. A year ago she was sick from chemo and at the lowest point of her life. Now she's regaining her health and energy, she had an amazing holiday and if kicking cancer's ass isn't amazing...

I lost my job (I adored that job) but the very next day got a new job with a man who, although he has some interpersonal challenges, is generous and deep down caring. I'm hoping that I can be a benefit to him as well as I appreciate the benefits he is giving and plans to give his employees.

I wrote a book. That might seem like a small thing but the last thing I wrote to completion was a novella in 2014. This is a step back in the direction I want my life to go.

I'm sure there are other things but right now these are the ones that come to mind.

We're still here and kicking. Hopefully we got a lot more years cause God knows, we got plenty of kick in us.