Sunday, May 28, 2017

Happy Sunday

What a crazy week. It feels like everything is just so topsy turvy right now. It's hard to make sense of this world with Donald Trump destroying our country, with children becoming the new soft targets for terrorism, with racist white men becoming the new norm as they harass and murder.

I feel so isolated. I'm living with two people who are still supporting this government and I'm gobsmacked for what they're willing to overlook and lie about. And if I point out their mistaken facts (Faux News sure doesn't share unbiased news) then it's all tight faces and jacked up proof that Trump is doing the right thing.

So I tell myself I need to take care of myself. I need to concentrate on my health and well being because right now it would be too easy to sink into despair. But even that becomes unsure. My weight loss is going well. I even started jogging (badly, slowly, awkwardly). But I'm doing it. I've lost 51 pounds since last December.

But... my budget is still messed up and I'm struggling like crazy to make sense of it. And I have to buy more groceries for myself (and now for Mollie since she's on summer vacay) and that's expensive. My car needs two tires and apparently the balance is a little off. My upcoming bonus check which I was looking forward to extra money looks like it's all going into the car.

My boss is planning a lot more weekends of work which is throwing off my schedule. And it looks like some of those weekends I'll be working the entire thing. Which also gets in the way of my dancing. And that is hard.

Okay, this is my seriously whiny post.

Good things: Finally read Eyes of Silver, Eyes of Gold which Carolyn has been touting for years and it was wonderful. I loved every minute of it (except the brothers all drove me crazy but that's a small thing). I was emotionally hooked in the story and that was huge.

My little town had Western Week last week. There was a Portuguese Bean Soup cook off which my SIL won. She really made a kick-ass soup and she was the winner of the golden ladle as well as on a float in the parade. Walked my ass off that day which walked me out of my two week plateau and over my 50 pound loss.

Restarted my Pinterest. Trying to use it in a way that works for me. Kind of a shopping list, dream board and recipe keeper.

Okay. Got things to do and a nap demanding to be taken.

Laters loves.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Sometimes You Get Dizzy

My week has been a mess of confusion. Serious highs, joys and some plummeting lows. I'm confused for the most part, feeling a little disoriented and unsure.

Sunday I discovered Ecstatic Dance and as I posted earlier, it was complete joy. I was able to rearrange my work schedule to attend the next one and my nephew and I are talking about going up to Hawi together to experience the dance up there.

Work sucked. I felt like everybody I worked with was dismissive of me this week and disrespectful.

I ran into someone I worked with at my old job who told me that the third person hired to replace me is now gone and they have basically had to hire three people now to do the job I used to do by myself. I'm not going to say I'm irreplaceable but damn...

Last night in conversation my brother said
1. There's no such thing as cultural appropriation.
2. Ariana Grande was not a victim in the attack at her concert because she once said she hates America so she deserves what she gets.

I've seen a lot of people on Twitter blaming A. Grande for that statement and for being inappropriately pretty/sexy and suggesting a crazy man with a bomb is somehow her fault.

Would someone tell me where the fuck these people lost their souls and maybe we can dig in the dark to try and find them?

My weight has been fluctuating between 203 and 204 for 2 weeks. I'm frustrated.

I'm reading The Story Sisters by Alice Hoffman and it's breaking my heart.

Did I mention that my brother's compassion for humanity has disappeared? I love the man but I'm starting to wonder why.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Stunned. Heartbroken. Broken.

In Manchester, someone set a nail bomb at an Ariana Grande concert. Last I read there were 22 dead and over 50 injured.

Ariana Grande is a mid-teen sweetheart, She's well known by kids because of her work on Nickelodeon. Whoever did it knew they'd be killing little girls.

Whoever did it, did it knowing and planning on killing little girls.

Call it terrorism. Call it murder. Call it inhumane. At this point I don't give a fuck.

This is humanity nowadays and it's killing us.

Monday, May 22, 2017

And I Danced

There was this thing I've been wanting to do. Ecstatic Dance. Once a month in my little town at the local theater people gather and they dance.

Two hours of moving to music. Two hours of non-judgmental, work your body however you wish to, move to the music and dance.

It was, for lack of a better word, ecstatic.

There were probably about 50 people there. 50 people on a stage with world music playing and everybody moving. People leapt, they gyrated, they bounced and they swayed. I went with my nephew and his mother in law. It was nice walking in with someone but we didn't dance together. Mostly we just.... danced.

50 people aware of each other, sharing energy and spirit. We were all barefoot and moving around each other. I could feel the floor vibrate with their steps and stomps. When I realized I was concentrating on anything or anyone outside myself, I closed my eyes and just moved.

I let the experience be about my movement and how I felt in my body.

And I felt amazing. I felt loose, energetic, sensual. I enjoyed. I swayed, I swung, I stomped. And I grinned a lot because I had so much fun.

And I danced.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Character Study: Trey

The first time Trey Montgomery fell in love, he was in kindergarten and her name was MacKenzie Bissett. MacKenzie had the same white blonde hair and startling blue eyes as Trey's own mother, Nona did, and he swore while standing on a playground swing, that he would marry MacKenzier when they were old, like eleven, and he would love her forever.

Three years later Nona Montgomery said she was going to the country club for some tennis and a massage and would be home by cocktail hour. She didn't return home by cocktail hour that night or any other night following. Trey's daddy, William Montgomery II, got notification from his lawyers that his wife was in Tennessee shacking up with an eighteen year old grocery store bag boy and she filed for divorce long distance.

William Montgomery II took great pride in claiming that no Montgomery man ever paid for cooze and none ever would. He sent his lawyers after Nona the way a hunter would send a hound after prey and he delighted in not only refusing her any settlements but in stripping away her maternal rights and keeping all her possessions left behind and destroying them during a summer lawn party in a spectacular bonfire where later fireworks exploded overhead and Zinnia Plum auditioned for the role of Mrs. Montgomery in a spectacular private show of her own which produced a different type of firework explosion at the end.

William Montgomery never did marry Zinnia or any other woman and Trey Montgomery broke MacKenzie Bissett's heart by stating (again on the playground but thankfully away from prying eyes) that his tastes ran more toward dark haired women now that he was older but he wished her the best of luck finding someone to love. 

MacKenzie did find someone to love a few more times in her life. It was at Johannsen's Drug Store in the make-up aisle where she met Paris Pols, the granddaughter of Margie Pols who had worked as a housekeeper for the Montgomery's for most of her adult life, that MacKenzie finally discovered the one great love of her life. She liked to tell the story that she found true love while trying to find Firehouse Red nail polish and Paris was seeking a pale peach lip gloss.

"I love the taste of peaches," MacKenzie would say with the satisfaction of a well loved woman and Paris would feel her wife's smile deep in her heart and quietly thank Johanssen's for carrying any make-up at all.

Trey wouldn't have remembered MacKenzie and if he had ever met Paris, she wasn't even a distant memory.

Trey found his true love on the football field. Growing up without a mother or a woman to keep his household from sinking into a masculine oblivion, William took to drinking with a quiet studiousness that he didn't devote to anything else in his life and Trey discovered that he could catch a ball. Even if he could never make his father happy he could make his coach almost giddy with his prowess and that gave him a feeling he hadn't know previously. 

Trey was a perfect high school jock. He was big without being beefy, smart without being intellectual, hard working on the field and hardly working in the classroom. He flirted with pretty girls and would take as much as any of them was willing to offer but he remained emotionally aloof.

It was at the high school assembly, where Trey and his teammates were slapping books out of each other's hands and acting like younger boys than they were, that the school jazz band played and Maria Santos stepped forward to sing an old bluesy song, Summertime. Trey was immediately smitten by the sultry tempo of the song, the quiet building emotion and the dark eyes of the young woman who sang with her heart as well as her voice.

Maria never considered herself the kind of girl to attract the attention of a high school athletic star but she was. The mean girls, the popular girls, the cheerleaders all hated the dark haired girl who stole the golden's boy gaze. 

Even William didn't approve when he heard about his son's romance. "You're like royalty in this town," he told Trey, pointing at his son with a glass of scotch. "Royalty doesn't date wetbacks."

"I won't date her forever," Trey told his father, not adding 'because one day I'll marry her.' William, of course, assumed a secret message from his son that the sex would run its course and Trey would move on to an appropriate woman.

Maria got pregnant in their sophomore year of college and William threatened to disown his son. He refused to attend their wedding which was a justice of the peace quickie or their reception at the VFW Hall in downtown Three Pines. It was just as well since Maria's younger brother drank until he passed out, face down in a piece of chocolate cake and Maria's mother cried every few minutes because her daughter was married, was pregnant and was leaving college.

William continued to pay for Trey's schooling but he refused to pay anything to help the young married couple out. Trey continued attending college but his football career became a distant dream as one baby became two and both he and his wife struggled to meet the bills and continue moving forward.

Sometimes Trey wondered about his mother. Had she ever loved his father? Had she ever loved him? Walking out would be easy but staying when the times are hard took more strength than sometimes even an athlete felt he had. But he wasn't doing it alone and no doubt Nona always had. There was no way that William had supported his wife, just as he couldn't be bothered to support his son and his young family.

Trey graduated law school two years behind the rest of his class and used his family name to secure a job that was willing to pay him more than he was worth in hopes that the high school star athlete would be an attractive figure for clients. 

Trey tried reaching out to his father with invitations to social gatherings and carefully worded holiday cards. William never responded and when he died, alone, his liver no longer functioning properly and his heart tired of beating, William Montgomery II surprised his son by showing one last act of love. At the funeral service, Trey allowed himself tears for a family that had been so lost to each other they never found a way together.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Garden Spells/Practical Magic: Sister and Spells

I was pondering a story in my head and it got me to thinking of one of my favorite books: Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. Which got me thinking about Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman, whose book Story Sisters I'm reading right now. And it occurred to me that the books had similarities.

Both are books of magic. Both are books of sisters. Both have troubled sisters running away from abusive men. Both have a child involved, as well as female relations.

I thought they were interesting similarities. As though the common female experience is sisterhood, sister love and abuse at the hands of a man. But in these books the women rescue each other. There's love to be found but the HEA doesn't come from a man, it comes from a sister.

A novel feminist idea (that was a pun): women need to rescue each other for true happiness to be found. Sisters can't survive without their sisters.

Now I need to think of other books about sisters that have the same idea.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Inside the Fucked-Up Mind of a Fat Girl

This morning I weighed 205 pounds.

In 2 weeks (I'm betting that's all the time it will take as long as Mollie's birthday doesn't throw me too far off track) I'll leave the 200s forever and be in the 190s. I won't be staying there either but right now I'm trying to handle the idea of never weighing in the 200s again.

You'd think this would be huge and joyous. I haven't weighed that since, well, maybe since Mollie was 1 year old and it's her 16th birthday we're celebrating on Saturday. Outside of twice in my life, I've weighed over 200 since I was a teenager. I weighed 160 in high school. And I kept getting bigger.

It is huge and joyous. And scary as shit. And I'm trying to understand why the idea is so scary.

My awareness recently has led me to recognize that the primary reason I've been obese as an adult is because it was all I really knew. I was used to the habits of overeating and sneak eating and even when it did nothing for me emotionally, I kept it up.

I expected to have a hard time on Weight Watchers and I'm not. It turned out that I wasn't that hungry after all. Turns out that I'm just as happy eating an apple as I am eating cheese popcorn. Turns out I don't miss sugar.

But I've never been thin. I don't know how to do thin. I don't even know how to do weighing less than 200. And that's daunting.

I'm not looking for a reason to quit or fail. I don't plan on quitting or failing here. I'm facing this head on and dealing with the idea of living my life in a way that isn't failing. I didn't know I could do that. And it's a new situation for me.

And it's scary. And exciting.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

What Are You Hungry For?

Every Thursday on weight watchers, Oprah posts a video. Sometimes she features people on the program, sometimes she addresses issues we all face. Last week she asked the question "What are you hungry for?' and it was such a great question.

I don't know that I have the answer yet.

When I first went from being a chubby kid to a fat kid was after my mother found out my father was abusing me and he bought her a new house and she ignored the abuse in exchange. I spent a summer eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, unable to fill the emptiness inside.

I've always eaten to fill the emptiness but now I realize that I'm not empty. So what is my hunger for?

My life is pretty rocking. My family keeps me laughing and feeling accepted and a part of something. My daughter is amazing and she's my sun and moon. My job pays my bills, my best friend is steady and life is good.

I eat because I don't know how not to. So I guess that's what I'm finally learning. I have to recognize the empty spaces got filled and I don't need to try and stuff them anymore.

What are you hungry for?

Friday, May 5, 2017

We Deserve Pretty Things

Spending time recently thinking about the journey that brought me to this place currently and where I hope/plan to go. Thinking about the self-talk, the private recriminations, the punishments and also the joys.

There's always joys.

I don't tend to spend a lot of money on myself. As a parent, as one of those kind of parents, I've always put Mollie first. True story: special (expensive) ice cream, very low cal and hard to get and I bought three pints, packed them in ice for an hour and a half drive to get them home and Mollie ate 2.5 pints. I had half of one.

I don't resent it at all but I deserve more too. I deserve pretty things. I deserve yummy foods.

We all do.

We all deserve and need special care.

I'm finding ways to make sure I get things I want and need It's a slow process but I'm going to make sure that my space is calming and pretty, my clothes look good, I have the books I want to read and that I always remember that the paychecks I earn are not only to pay bills and take care of obligations but they can also be used to bring me a little joy too.

Are you doing the same?

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Bad Shrimp

Let's just say that's one way to lose weight and not a very pleasant one.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

So Foolish

I foolishly believed that most Americans believed in taking care of each other.

I foolishly believed that most Americans bled when a child died.

I foolishly believed that our President, despite party affiliation, would have America's best interests at heart.

I foolishly believed that most humans wanted to leave the planet in better shape than it was.

I foolishly believed that greed didn't trump humanity.

I foolishly believed that we had a great country.

I've never before been ashamed to be American. I am now.

Monday, May 1, 2017

May Slay! Slay May!

Happy May Day!

Excited about this month. Mollie turns 16. 16!!!  I miss my baby but I really enjoy this young woman she is.

Things I've learned recently:

1. I can make good food choices.
2. I cannot seem to make good money choices.
3. I need a lot more motivation than I'm giving myself to write.

Anyway, today we learned that Donald Trump, the president of the United States does not know why the Civil War was fought. And he didn't know who the president was during that time.

Let that sink in.

Our president is dumber than the average fifth grader.

Yup. Yay Trump.

I won't go further with this because it gives me a headache and honestly I can't handle this. I cannot. Handle. This.

I weighed 209.8 this morning.

Concentrate on good things.

My head might explode slightly before the nukes do in North Korea.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A Day Of Self-Care

I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and am scheduled to work Thursday and Friday so here I am on Wednesday, off work and happy to be.

I have a shit load of things that need to get done and as I pondered the list I also thought about the things that would make me happy.

My nails need to be filed and colored. My toenails need another application of polish. I need to dye my hair. Laundry needs doing and eyebrows need a little maintenance.

I need to take a day and take care of myself.

Obviously a real day of self care would be doing no chores (haha) and letting someone else sculpt and paint my nails. But since I won't be budgeted to do that until about 2025, once these things are done then I'm going to be much happier in my own skin. (Which, by the way, there's less of as I weighed in at 211 this morning.)

So it's almost 10:30 in the morning. I had a huge breakfast and am drinking a second cup of coffee. I started my laundry and I'm going to go put hair dye on my head. Then I'm going to wash dishes and clean the kitchen. Then I'll wash out hair dye and shower.

My laundry will go in the dryer and Mollie's will go in the washer. I'll do my nails and write in my journal. My lunch is going to be Halo Top Peanut Butter Cup ice cream and a banana (oh my God, so freaking decadent!!)  I'm going to rearrange my desk again and take out garbage.

I plan on either napping and then taking a walk or vice versa. I'll work on my eyebrows at some point and probably watch some Netflix. Dinner for the family is leftovers and I'll have French Onion soup and crackers. I'll be completely on point for Weight Watchers, I'll have indulged in my day for me and tomorrow I'll feel pretty good about myself because I always love having my nails done.

I'm still waiting for my books to be delivered and I'm slowly reading Notwithstanding by Louis de Bernieres. I've loved his writing but this book is really stodgy. But charming Anyway, I don't love it but I'm also not hating it so I'm reading slowly.

Also I'm hoping I get a package soon of gifties. I joined a gift exchange on Weight Watchers called Share the Love and you get a random draw buddy to exchange weight watchers themed gifts with. Or gifts of encouragement. Anyway, my buddy and I exchanged one email and I don't really know anything about her so I sent her a box with low point crackers, candy, a journal, Kona coffee and hawaiian themed pads. I don't know, but hope, she sends me something.

Okay, that's my self care day in a nutshell. Time to smear hair dye all over my head and hope my forehead doesn't turn black.

Kisses to all out there that I love and admire. (And major pride and enjoyment in Willaful's wondrous journey. Girl, you stepped outside your comfort zone and not only have survived but were able to acknowledge and be in the moments that were hard. You are an inspiration!)

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Another Week Done

Welcome to Saturday.

I laid in bed this morning with a list of things I needed to get up and do and no desire to get up and do them. I work the next three days, long hours, and I need to be ready to run my ass off and work hard. Yesterday, my co-worker Carol and I painted the bathroom of our Kona office and did a damned near perfect job.

Today my neck is a little pained but my head is in a good place. So after spending an hour going through my Twitter feed and playing bingo, I got my ass up. Laundry is almost finished. Made a plan for dinner tonight (steak fajitas with refried beans and simple salad).

Still need to take the dog and myself for a walk, do some grocery shopping, get air in my tires and have a nap.

Weight loss: great moment earlier this week when I realized that I don't need to lose 100 pounds. I know that sounds strange but when you're seriously obese and look at weight loss, the idea of having to lose 100 pounds or more is staggering. At my biggest I was 276 (I think( and that meant 140 pounds to be at a healthier weight (and still overweight according to BMI charts).

I know there are people who are losing much more than that and I have so much respect for them.

So as of this morning I weighed 212.8 pounds. That's 27.2 pounds lost. I'm averaging then about 10 pounds a month which is really good. And probably not going to be sustainable in the long run. But that's okay. I'd like to see if I can get in the 190s by the end of June.

Wish me luck.

Budget is taking some hits but looks like it might start doing well after May. I'm still staying on track with the bill payments and delightfully by my birthday (late September) I'll have another bill completely gone and my Visa paid down to normal place (so the interest will be less also). So positive stuff. Just got to make it through May and Mollie's birthday.

Work is going better. I started a system for organizing myself as I travel between offices and staying on top of my tasks. It's working well right now and the doctor seems much happier with my work. So more positivity.

Mollie and I saw Beauty and the Beast last night. Have to admit that I was disappointed that it didn't stray in any big ways from the animated movie. And as much as I love Emma Watson as a human and a feminist, she's bland to me. BUT... Mollie and I were both in love with the beast as the beast. She was so funny too, because after the movie Mollie said she would have asked the enchantress for the ability to have the Prince go into Beast-mode for sexytimes.

The Beast was alpha. The prince was meh.

No writing still. Had a fun idea for Carolyn and I but have no desire to actually sit down and do the work. I don't know if I'm done with writing. But right now I'll still consider myself on hiatus.

Best to everyone.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Saturday Morning

Happy almost Easter to all of you who celebrate.

This morning on Twitter I saw a screenshot of the best exchange ever. It made life worth living:

GOP TEENS: What gun do you think Jesus would have liked?
ANSWER: A nail Gun.
GOP TEENS: Not funny. Blocked.

So welcome to Saturday. Laundry is started, dishes are done. I have hot coffee and I need to collect garbage and do a dump run.

I make dinners on Saturday and tonight I'm making Egg Roll in a Bowl with Cauliflower Rice. The egg roll is just browning ground pork with sesame oil and shoyu (I'll add garlic and onion cause it can be bland) and then taking a package of cole slaw mix and tossing that in and cooking to soften (but not too soft).

The cauliflower rice should be interesting. I bought a cauliflower yesterday and I'm going to grate it and then saute it in a little oil. It's supposed to replace rice and be tastier. We'll see.

I'm planning a long walk today. My brother showed me a great place to walk and I discovered that if you drive a little further down it's just as gorgeous but all paved. Easier on my old knees and I want to see if I can extend my walk time. I average 20 minutes and would like to make it 30.

I'm working on sensible goals right now. I'm 213 lbs (down 27 from WW start) and I decided to set a goal to get under 200 by the end of June. I've found an accountability buddy on WW, her name is Lindsey and I'm excited to make a new friend who is on the same path.

Yesterday I was tweaking (not twerking) a new budget system I'm going to try and as I worked on it, I realized that one of my major bills will be paid off in August. It just disappears off my payment schedule.

Oh my God. That is going to be huge.

So I'm kind of sparked right now.

If there's one thing I know, it's enjoy the positive moments because they don't always last. So treasure the happiness.

And happy Saturday.

Friday, April 14, 2017

What I'm Watching

I know this should say What I'm Reading but I've been on Netflix more than my book library so whatever...


It's another season of past players and now there's nobody good looking to watch so sad for me. On the other hand, there's some great playing taking place and really strategic moves so it's turning out to be a good season.

The last episode was a shocker. Player Jeff Varner was on the chopping block and doing a last minute attempt to survive and he outed Zeke as being transgender. It was a horrible moment but at the same time there was something amazing in watching everyone attack Varner for betraying a trust and refusing to allow Zeke's secret to matter.

Jeff Probst, the host of the show, proved why he's so good at his job. He guided the conversation safely for Zeke, as well as giving him time to process that he was outed on national television. He made the situation less horrible... and it was damned horrible.

I can't wait till next week.

The Good Witch

This is a Hallmark Channel show on Netflix with 2 seasons. It stars Catherine Bell as Cassie, a sweet witch who has (I think) one expression (bemused beauty) and James Denton as Sam, the doctor neighbor who starts off a little crusty and by the end of season 2 is finally playing kissy face with the witch.

It's like a lightweight Harlequin. Sweet with a little romance, a lot of good looking people living in a perfectly picturesque town and enough saccharine to cause diabetes. But I like it. Problems are easily solved, it's removed from reality and my daughter labeled it "Kid TV".

The Santa Clarita Diet

This one is okay. I'm just starting to get into it after about 5 episodes. Drew Barrymore is adorable and the premise is cute. But I'm not sure it can sustain interest.

I do like the guy who plays the husband and his bewilderment at having a zombie wife.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

A Master Class ... in Me

How do I explain this?

I'm really feeling connected right now. I went through a period recently where I disconnected and was having problems caring about too much or feeling real in my life. I think that with the level of cruelty and incompetence coming from our government, it's hard to remain in a safe space in our own lives without compromising something.

So that's been a struggle.

Right now I've pretty much signed off of Facebook because that's been just too much for me to handle. I haven't closed my account because I refuse to lose my favorite bingo game but I don't go on except rarely and never make it through more than 2 or 3 posts. And usually I go only because my daughter wants me to like one of her posts.

I'm been using Twitter as a news source: I follow journalists and magazines and news sources. I choose to scroll through a lot and stop and read what matters to me. There's so much to be outraged by, so much to call our representatives about... you have to start culling through it.

I will not talk politics with my brother. I just won't. He can't/won't acknowledge how disgusting, immoral and dirty Trump is, then we can't talk. Until he acknowledges, I just won't do it anymore.

So I talk to Carolyn and I hang with my daughter and well, I lose weight. And I work a lot.

The weight loss is proving to be interesting and enjoyable. Weight Watchers has replaced my social media. I read people's stories, share their successes and difficulties and feel like I'm with my tribe. Beyond that though, I'm learning a lot about my body: how it processes food and emotions, what happens when I exercise and when I don't, what happens if I get enough sleep or not enough. 

I'm more aware of myself. And for the first time since becoming a mother, I'm concentrating on self care. Part of that is being with Mollie and being more present in her life. But part of that is saying "my turn" and making sure that I have what I need also. And I'm still learning what I need. 

This process is amazing. I'm changing my life and there's a lot of things that are evolving. I'm on hiatus from writing. I'm returning to reading slowly. It's important that I find books again that make my soul sing. My journaling is going to be going through some changes also with less regimentation and more creativity (I hope).

And I'm going to dance.


True story:

Left work early today because I could and immediately got on the phone with Carolyn so we could do what we do so well: talk.

We talked about food.
We talked about the weird hairs on our chins.
We talked about television.
We talked about food again.
We talked about politics.
We talked about each other.
We talked more about food.

After over an hour of conversation we realized a few relevant things:

1. We like to talk.
2. We obsess about food.
3. We no longer talk about romance.

We discussed closing the blog but Carolyn threatened to show the nude selfie I accidentally sent her (I was trying to send it to the debt collector who keeps calling -- that'll chase him away!!) so we agreed to keep the blog forever. (Forever is a short time under the Trump presidency. We should all be cockroach food within the year.)

But we agreed the blog should reflect where we are nowadays.

We're old. We fart. We do laundry.

Welcome to our exciting lives.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Check In

Here's to April!!  Yay and finally.

March was a butt kicker. Working too much between two offices, doing overtime and trying to fill in for an absent employee busted the month badly. I started failing at my tasks, I had no energy and I ended the month in a melt-down with my boss that thankfully resolved but did not play well at the time.

March had good weight loss: down 23 pounds now since starting Weight Watchers. Not hungry, enjoying the community online and both success and not-quite-success stories.

Budget blew up. If it wasn't for my sick co-worker who forced me into working on my day off and getting overtime, I would have been in big trouble. Instead the overtime saved my ass financially while screwing me emotionally.

I'm really hoping for a much better April.

I'm putting aside any writing plans right now and am reading The Marrying Stone by Pam Morsi. I read Simple Jess ages ago and Carolyn told me it was a trilogy so I'm starting at the beginning. I like the formality of the writing, it fits my mood right now so it's a great choice.

Mollie is on Maui with her band and having a great time.

I got the shots in my knee and although it's better, there's still pain. I'm going to have to advocate to get an MRI and get a look at what's really going on with it.

Altogether March kicked my ass and I ended it on a down. But I had some beautiful moments with my daughter and I'm feeling a lot more positive about things so I'm looking forward to April and getting back on a positive emotional track.

And I'm looking to build up my library with more literary fiction and magical realism, two genres I adore. All recs are welcome.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Letter to Melissa

Dear Melissa,

you know, since you're a friend of Mollies, that she and I have few, if any, secrets. And she tells me what's going on with her friends. She knows I care. I care because I want to know what's going on around my daughter and also because, well, I give a damn about you.

So girlfriend, I was more than a little worried to hear some of the choices you've been making. Especially with the drinking.

I know there's a good possibility that the gossip I heard isn't close to the truth. Maybe you experimented once or twice with alcohol. Hell, most kids do. I remember my brother and his friends imbibing in high school and none of them have turned into raging alcoholics or criminal underbelly types.

Drinking might be a right of passage. Just like trying cigarettes and sex and pot.

So why exactly are these rites of passages anyway? Seems that maybe we excuse things like that because there might be other things happening behind that which we want to ignore. I smoked cigarettes and pot because I was miserable as a teenager because my father sexually abused me and my mother pretended not to know.

Choices at fifteen are the same as choices at fifty-eight: we all have reasons we make them.

I'm going to tell you something that you don't know.... and I can imagine that at 15, you're rolling your eyes at an old woman giving you advice. After all, it's been over 40 years since I was your age. But see, there's something I know because I am so much older than you: I know regret. I know embarrassment. I know that there are still moments from my elementary school years that continue to make me blush. And those were innocent things.

It's easy to think you know so much with the internet at your fingers and strangers telling you what they want you to believe. But I'm not a stranger, Melissa, and I know something they don't know. I know you. I know that you're talented and you have dreams. I know that you love acting, that you're a good friend, that you have a good heart.

And I know you're going to regret the choices you're making.

At 15 years old, you're not thinking of the future but I am. I'm thinking of who you might become and I'm afraid that the choices you're making right now could change the bright future to a dimmer one. Naturally I'm afraid of teen pregnancy and Mollie knows that I'm here to help any of her friends get contraceptives if needed.

I'm also here to listen if you want to talk, sweetheart. I know you have concerns and issues that I know nothing about. I saw the bandages on your wrists too, you know.

I promise you, whatever is happening is transient. The world keeps moving and so does life. I'm here for you and so is Mollie. Confide in someone. Let someone here the truth of you and your life. And know that there are answers, there are better paths, there are other ways.

Call me. Call someone. You're an amazing person, Melissa, and I want the world for you. Let's work together to make sure you get brightness and joy.

Love you.


Sunday, March 19, 2017

Dilemma Sunday

So last night was Irish Fest at my brother's work place and Mollie and I were volunteered to work there. As was my nephew. Mollie worked putting together corner beef slider meals, nephew worked the bar and I was cashier. There was also one other person working, Mary, who made the corned beef and worked next to Mollie.

My knee is out with a possible worsened meniscal tear and so I was promised a sit down job. However, cashiering between 2 stations that were opposite each other meant I was on my feet moving. A lot.

Mollie and I didn't get a free meal. We didn't get a cut off profits. My nephew gave Mollie some money from the tip jar on the bar. At the end of the evening we hadn't eaten dinner, my knee was worse and my brother, his wife, Mary, brother's boss (possibly also nephew) went for a free celebration dinner at the steakhouse there (their meals are written off on the mall's dime) while Mollie and I went through the Burger King drive through to get something to eat.

I've always liked working the events but I didn't enjoy last night and I especially didn't enjoy the feeling of being taken advantage of. I'm thinking that was the last time I'll agreed to be volunteered. But I don't know if I'm over reacting.

I should mention that when I wrote The Fall, my brother objected to some pre-sale ads I posted that insulted the president and so he didn't/hasn't bought the book. I understand. All actions have consequences.

So am I wrong to decide to be done with volunteering? Or am I over-reacting?

Saturday, March 18, 2017

This has been a hard week. I worked on Sunday (yeah, I found the only doctor who does the occasional weekend) and I was supposed to have Thursday off. Coworker called out sick and I did six days. Not a huge deal except I was exhausted.

By yesterday I couldn't keep my eyes open and I wanted to eat anything that wasn't nailed down. I ate a piece of fried chicken at 8 am yesterday. Followed by popcorn. Didn't go over my WW points but it was tempting.

Something bad happened to my knee. I already have an ortho appointment scheduled for Friday so I'll just baby it along till then but I can't really walk. I have a bad feeling that my meniscus, which was torn over 10 years ago, tore further because of my recent added activity. I'll get a steroid shot in it for the pain and ask for an MRI to see how bad the tear is.

Listen to me.... I can tell from the pain what's happening inside my body.

My first month on my super-duper new budget plan and I blew it. Made three mistakes: I paid off a bill I wasn't supposed to pay off. I was only supposed to make a minimal payment and pay it all off next month but I decided to get ahead of the game. Bad move. I planned it that way for a reason but I let my emotions make a bad choice.

Then I miscalculated my money and had less of it. And then I paid a bill which had 2 charges on it and didn't realize that I only paid one charge and not both. So I had to make a second payment and it wasn't budgeted. I totally fucked it all up.

Good thing though: two more bills are now paid off. I worked nine hours of overtime this week so my paycheck next week should even out the budgeting woes.

I'm going to get this all in order. I know I will.

18 pounds down on WW since Feb 5. Real happy about that. I don't see any changes but others are starting to notice. What excites me is that I'm starting to get interested in cooking again. I don't have the time to do a lot of it but on a day like today I can make myself a cool lunch (low point pepperoni pizza), that makes me smile.

Other things that are a yay: found AztecLady on Twitter so now following her and Willaful. Major happiness that. My brother volunteered me to work tonight at a St. Paddy's party at the mall selling corned beef sliders so I need to ibuprofen myself into a stupor and get my game face on. I actually love working their events because it fits my extrovert personality. I flirt, tease, joke... I've been asked if I work parties as a professional. Seriously. It's so much fun.

Anyway, that's the update. Righ now it's Saturday morning and I got lots of sleep, I have hot coffee and since I can't go walk the waterfall as planned, I'm going to Frankie and Grace myself on Netflix and enjoy.

Love to you all out there.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

SMH! Feeling Sorry for Trump Supporters

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I'm a progressive, liberal, socialist Democrat. And I live in a home with three demented human beings. One has Alzheimers and the other two are Republicans.

I bite my tongue a lot.

But not joking, I decided one of the best ways to survive during this politically charged time is to keep my opinions to myself at the dinner table, politely but firmly stop conversations about Trump and call my senators (or Tweet/Facebook them often). I have some great representatives, I must say.

And it's worked. We've avoided fighting, we don't talk much politics and life has been pretty calm.

Recently, both my Republican family members have admitted to embarrassment of the president. Or as my SIL said last night, "I liked the message but I despise the messenger." And before anyone jumps on that: they like the economic message, not the racist one. They believe in stronger borders and a stronger military, they don't believe in banning religions.

I feel bad for them. I really do. Because to express any dismay as a Republican that the president is an amazing, flaming, orange jerkwad of astronomical proportions is to open yourself up to ridicule. Especially when there are still parts of the message that resonate with you.

I'm sympathetic. I really am. I understand why they voted for Trump and I hope that as the true despair and horror of the megalomaniac sinks in, they can keep their heads  upright and not crawl about in muck because of their shame. But I won't pile the muck on their shoulders.

I feel bad for them. I really do. Because as every day goes by, they see the horror they unleashed and as they try to defend their choice, they have to admit their own culpability and bear that weight. As well as hear and deal with the shaming that so many around them vocalize.

It isn't easy to be a Republican nowadays. And I love the ones I live with. But now I'm privy to seeing the dawning realization of what they've done and I feel sorrow for them. Never thought I'd say that. But then again, I never thought that they would both, within a week of each other, express the same embarrassment of the Cheeto in Chief.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Goal Check

I made three goals for 2017: lose weight so my knees feel better, get out of debt and start writing again.

Goal 1: Lose weight. Going well. Weight Watchers was a brilliant choice, not just because I'm losing weight (16 pounds so far) but also because I've had some over-eating days on it and gained weight (1.2 pounds) and remained accountable.

No diet will ever be perfect. But the WW community is supportive, the plan is easy and if you're willing to remain honest then results will happen.

And even more than that, there's a greater spike in energy when weight starts to come off. I can stand longer, move more and not be in as much pain. My exercise is still intermittant but there's more of it. So no complaints here.

Goal 2: Budget/Debt.  That is a longer term plan and not one that will be accomplished by the end of the year. But as someone who has always lived paycheck to paycheck, my need to stop living that way is huge.

I created a plan for myself and so far I'm sticking to it. Not counting monthly bills like the phone bill and car insurance that will never go away, I started 2017 with 12 bills that can be paid off. With the aid of a tax refund, 5 are already gone. Plus I paid off Mollie's trip to Oahu from last year as well as paid her trip to Maui this year (with some spending money put aside too).

I'll have another bill paid off by the end of March and then I'll be concentrating on getting the bigger ones gone. It's hard to stick to because there's so many things we want and some we actually need but damn t, sticking to plan and being accountable.

Goal 3: Writing.

Complete fail.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Boris and Natasha? Naw, Just Trump and His Minions...

The title says it all.

So now Sessions is remembering (oh, those faulty brains) that he might have had a conversation or two with the Russian Ambassador previous to the American Presidential elections.

Do you love it?

Basically we can infer the following:
1. Donald Trump borrowed money from Russian banks.
2. Russian banks have Donny by the short hairs.
3. Russia hacked the US elections.
4. Donny became president.
5. Donny owes Russia still and will be paying them off through the presidency.

Better than a novel and not half as believable.

But this is real life folks.

I've gone from outrage and shock to befuddlement and amusement.

Attack the press so they won't follow the money. Lie to everyone. Attack the press so they won't investigate the lies. Blame Obama.

Get busted.

Oh yeah. The dominoes are going to fall. Get your slippers on and popcorn popped. It's going to be a shitstorm folks.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Vaginal Atrophy

After menopause, women's bodies stop producing certain hormones, like estrogen. The lack of estrogen affects us differently; some women might suddenly grow whiskers, some lose their sex drive and some get vaginal atrophy.

When I first heard about vaginal atrophy I thought it was just disuse and could be reversed by more use. But that's not it at all. Atrophy thins out the skin and tissues, causing the skin to smooth out and become painful. The outside skin, becoming so thin, begins to itch painfully. The inside skin shrinking can also cause urinary issues.

Why am I writing about this? Because I had a pap today and I almost cried because it was so painful. It's never been painful before. And my practitioner told me that I have severe atrophy and will probably never have intimate relations with a man again.

She said she could put me on estrogen replacement but that, of course, carries a risk of cancer. I'm not willing to do that. I'm going to try some over the counter meds she told me about... but I'm not expecting much.

I'm reeling. I haven't been involved with anyone in years but I thought that maybe in the future when Mollie has gone on to college, that could be a possibility.

How am I supposed to feel about this? It's a little heart breaking. I never thought that someone could just tell me that I shouldn't have sex or intimacy again because it will guaranteed hurt me.

Carol and I were talking about aging, just a few hours before my pap. It was as if we knew what was coming...

Please pardon my heartbreak here. It's not that there's someone currently. It's just the idea that the door might be closed forever.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Working It!

This morning I weighed 229. Granted, that's still a hell of a lot for a small frame but... I don't know the last time I weighed less than 240.

This is a big deal for me. I'm so delighted...

Weight Watchers is turning out to be one of the best choices I ever made.

An interesting aside: I had a small bag of popcorn I was eating about a week ago and I zoned out and went into binge mode. Just shoveling it in my mouth, not tasting, just disconnected from everything. It was almost scary how oblivious I became when eating that.

In other news... there is no other news. Mollie has started playing tennis so weekends are spent hanging around the park. Writing isn't happening right now nor is reading.

Carolyn is still about planning world domination or just kitchen chaos. Funny how similar those two things are.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

White Beans and Sausage

My breakfast this morning.

And Carolyn, the recipe for the beans....

1 can white beans (Great Northern or Cannellini), drained
1 can diced tomatoes
1 sausage of any kind
1/2 cup of chicken broth (low sodium)
Italian seasonings
kale (optional)
sliced onions (optional)
diced garlic

Spray pan with cooking spray. Slice sausage and throw in (with onions if you want them). Cook a few minutes. Take out of pan. Respray. Add garlic and cook a minute. Add beans, tomatoes, broth, seasoning and heat five minutes. Add sausage and onion back in the pan, add kale and cook another 5 - 10 minutes.

Then serve.

I doubled the recipe for 4 people and it was just enough. Amazing with an over easy egg for a filling breakfast.

One serving is 7 weight watchers smart points. With egg is 9SP.

Saturday, February 18, 2017


It makes little to no sense right now... everything is going well. I love being on Weight Watchers but all this week my weight has stayed in one place. I'm writing an easy novella but I haven't written a word on it in ages.

I have tools but am accomplishing nothing. My Kindle is full of books and I'm not reading.

I can't blame this on politics because I ultimately believe Trump is about to get ousted. Not to mention I recently discovered that my brother is really thin skinned about 45 so I like to make little digs that just sets him off.

If he has a heart attack any time soon, it will probably be my fault.

I haz the ennui.

I can try to fight through it or I can just ride it out. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do.

Right now I might try taking a nap and then watching One Day At a Time on Netflix. It's a cute remake and I like everyone in it.

Ennui.  What a difficult time.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Weight Watchers and Woot!

One week on weight watchers and 7 pounds lost. Awesome sauce (low cal, low fat awesome sauce please).

 I should have done this ages ago.... okay, no. Because ages ago I might not have stuck to it. But now I see the loss and I'm so happy and excited. It's the right time of my life for these changes.

Mollie started playing tennis recently and she's obsessed. We spent a lot of time at the local tennis court this weekend. I walked and then chased after balls. I'm going to buy a racket too and even though I'll be slow and not a good player, at least it'll give her someone on the other side of the net.

Getting closer to finishing my novella which will be goal #3 for the year. Then there's only one left and I'm kicking ass.

So what I'm loving about weight watchers is that there's a social media aspect to it. It's called CONNECT and that's what happens: people connect. To find a group of people who have the same issues you do, are at the same weight and feeling like you feel... it's not a solitary thing. People support each other and it's like Facebook but with one goal: feeling better.

I find right now that I just spend my social media time on CONNECT or Twitter. I never used to like Twitter but now I'm hooked because I get so much political info. I read Newsweek, TIME, NY Times, CNN. I follow a ton of politicians and reporters. I know what's going on and it's invigorating.

As much as I despise our president, he's certainly gotten a lot of people aware of politics and getting involved. If he doesn't blow up the world, he might make it better because the world done got WOKE.

Just feeling joy this Monday morning.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Mollie's Shoes

I'm featured on Grok Nation today!

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

You Got This

If you know me at all, then you know I tend to be a glass half empty kind of gal. Not that I'm pessimistic but I'm quite realistic with a dash of pessimism.

I didn't plan on this year being anything different than any other year but it's shaping up to be. And if there's a theme to this year it's: You Got This.

Oh, there are things that are un-gettable. Betsy DeVos being confirmed as secretary of education when she doesn't believe in public education... well, nobody can get that. Most everything dealing with Trump is undeniably batshit crazy. But we, as Americans, will somehow put the embers of the country back together after his destruction.

Right now though, I'm feeling like old behaviors can be let go. Time to stop getting in my own way and let myself win.

I got this.

Now call your senators and tell them to get to work!

Sunday, January 29, 2017

One Fucking Week and This Country is Being Run by a Nazi

Steve Bannon is running our country. You know Steve Bannon, don't you? Hates blacks, Jews, Muslims, liberals and women? And apparently he became president while all our backs were turned.

I can't articulate.... words fail me. My life is being run from news source after news source trying to figure out what comes next. They did a good job with us. They've thrown so much shit that we're running around in circles unable to even comprehend the enormity of the shitstorm.

I'm frightened because my daughter wasn't born in this country. I'm frightened because I'm Jewish. I'm frightened because I think they're trying to destroy America and our elected officials are standing idly by, not doing what we need.

I've truly never been this kind of scared before. Why aren't the democrats doing something?

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Incomprehensible Is The Only Word I Can Come Up With

Less than a week ago, women and men (mostly women) all over the world rallied and marched and made their voices heard. Less than a week later, the pee-resident has taken a photograph from that rally and claimed it as an inauguration photo.

Oh it doesn't end there. He signed the most restrictive abortion gag rule yet. He's building the wall. He's bringing back torture. He's investigating voter fraud which doesn't exist. 4 journalists are in jail. He's okayed the Dakota Pipeline which he's invested in. His nominees, almost all inappropriate, are being confirmed. State department senior staff have all quit. The Democratic party is folded. They're not fighting.

The pee-resident has signed more executive orders in less than a week than Obama did in eight years. He's threatening the cities/states that went blue. He's planning to cut federal funding to any state that went for Hillary.

He's going to go after all illegals and their children. Meaning people born in this country who are Americans will be deported if their parents came in illegally. He's blocking all refugees and immigrants from Muslim countries. He probably will find a way to create a Muslim registry.

Less than a week folks.

Where do we start? What do we do? My brother is rejoicing over this? I'm sick at heart. I have headaches every day.

Donald Trump is a mentally ill fascist and impeachment should have already begun.

What the fuck is going on? What are we supposed to do?

How do we process all of this? For the first time in my life I feel like the center has fallen out. Climate change is real but our government is denying it. The pee-resident never divested from his business holdings. The right is attacking the left with fervor and the people are screaming but their elected officials aren't.

Elizabeth Warren voted to confirm Ben Carson to head HUD. WTF?? 

I want to hide. I want to cry. I want to know what can we do or are we really powerless? Do I need to be armed to protect my Muslim neighbors? Do I need to be armed to protect myself? Will they overturn Roe v Wade? Will they overturn marriage equality?

How many people will die?

Sunday, January 22, 2017

The New Abnormal

So proud of all the women and men who took part in peaceful protest for the Women's March yesterday. My knees would never have survived an hour of standing much less an entire afternoon, which broke my heart because I really wanted to go. But I spent a lot of time watching clips and looking at pictures and feeling my heart swell.

I felt like The Grinch as his heart grew and he became nice again.

Of course, now we have the Sean Spicer/Kellyanne Conway circus act. And I can't even mention Pee. Trump and his strange performance with the CIA. Might this all be a piece of performance art that nobody told us about?

Anyway, Pee. Trump claimed that his inauguration was the best attended ever even though pictures show it wasn't. Not even close. So he made Sean Spicer do a press briefing and claim the lie and threaten the press for not printing the lie (some have, trust me. If you find them, avoid them.) Then on the morning news shows Kellyanne Stepford Wife repeats the lie but calls it "alternative truth".

Take a moment and let that sink in folks.

Alternative truth.

Anybody past the age of six or seven knows that alternative truth is another way to say --lie--. Falsehood. Fib. Bullcrap. These are the people speaking for our pee-resident.

I just wrote a book about the devil and she lied less than this bunch.

Well bless their little right-wing hearts, they're obviously all drinking something unhealthy and making it obvious that America is in serious trouble. However, after yesterday, it's also obvious that America will fight back.

Straight up lying is not something we're going to accept from our government. And most people will not accept this as the new normal.

Watch out Trump. We're on to you and soon we'll be saying "you're fired!"

Friday, January 20, 2017


Well, it's happened. Something I certainly never believed could happen in America: we elected an openly dishonest con-man to be our president.

He didn't win the popular vote but neither did George W. Nowadays Republicans need the electoral college to win the presidency because the majority of America really does see the base venality at the core of their party.

What will happen under a Trump presidency? I honestly don't know. What I expect, however, is a quick erosion of rights and human dignity. Old, white men will start claiming dominion over women's bodies and ultimately their lives. Blacks, Hispanics, immigrants will stop being people to many and become talking points. Already Trump paints black neighborhoods as nothing but criminally violent drug arenas.

We have a majority of politicians who don't really know who Americans are and don't really care. They know money and getting paid off and if you think political corruption is bad, let's check in and see it in two years.

The press is already being beggared and they're rolling on their backs like abused dogs and offering their bellies. Hate crimes are rising. Antisemitism is the new black. (Bomb threats galore called into Jewish Community Centers)

I keep saying it will be okay because Trump won't last the four years. But what if I'm wrong? What if Donald Trump becomes the new normal? What if there are enough people in America who prefer hucksterism to actual change?

Walls will be built... but through neighborhoods, schools and churches. People will protest and others will discover that breaking up protests with violence is fun. We'll see more pictures of bloody Americans and headlines claiming the protesters were at fault.

Welcome to the new dark ages folks. There are some candles by the door, grab yours before they all flicker out.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Day Before Release

I'm excited. Tomorrow is my big release day, and if it goes like other release days I'll end the day with a slightly upset stomach and a feeling of despair.

I barely know how to write books. I sure as hell don't know how to sell them.

I thought planning a release on inauguration day would be fun and I could have some laughs. Unfortunately, nobody is laughing. Nobody cares.

The last book I released was my novella Surviving America's Sweetheart and it got a great review on Dear Author and sold only a handful of copies.

So this time I approach release day with the anticipation of releasing my book into the world and the sad headache and stench of disappointment souring it all.

Wish me luck.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

The Weight of Weight

All my life I've been afraid of a number. Terrified that someone would discover the number that shows on my scale and ... I don't know. Publish it in the paper? Tell my boss? Invalidate my existence because the number was too high?

One number and I've lived my life in fear of it.

Hello folks. My name is Lori and I currently weight 240 pounds. I'm 5 foot nothing in height so when I describe myself as having the shape of a beach ball, I'm not kidding.

This isn't the biggest I've ever been either. When I first moved to Hawaii I weighed about 276. I got down to 240 but then my knees started to really hurt and my snack-age went up and I was 250 and thought "no".

This isn't about weight loss. I finally, at age closer to 60 than not, realized that this, all of this craziness has been about a number.

Years ago I was told that at my height, my healthy weight is 100 pounds. Well that's interesting. I was 160 in high school. What's the fucking chance I'm going to ever weigh 100 pounds?

So I started to fear the number. My entire life I'd tell anybody anything about myself but never my weight. I've confessed my fears, my shames, my most embarrassing moments but I never told anyone how much I weigh.

I weigh 240 pounds today.

It's a number. One single motherfucking number that has had more control over my life than the people I love, the way I feel, more than everything.

It's never been about weight. It's always been about being told I should weigh 100 pounds and weighing more than twice that. It's about years of thinking if I could just get down to (fill in the blank) pounds then I'll be okay.

Just a stupid number.

Before anyone decides this is the time to come in and point out the health dangers of obesity and whatever else someone wants to do because they're a ridiculous human being, can I suggest you fuck off? This isn't about that. No fat person alive hasn't gotten the lectures, the tut-tutting, the loving concern from family, friends and strangers.

It isn't about that. It's about a number.

I finally realized that I no longer was afraid of that number. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not defined by it. It's part of my journey and wherever the number goes, I'll work it out.

My name is Lori and I weigh 240 pounds. And for the first time in my entire life, I'm not bothered by it.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

And the Responsibility Goes To....

I want to lose weight. No, I need to lose weight. No wait... too much weight is waiting... way much weight is weighing me down     (stop me, Carol...)

This wasn't a New Year's resolution. I realized that I wasn't happy with the constant knee pain and the first step to being pain free was putting less stress on my joints. Which meant... you got it.

My plan/intent ultimately is to join weight watchers. But right now I'm trying to jump start some weight loss so I can feel excited and proud and the best way to do that quickly and safely is to cut carbs and sugar, eat more protein, veggies and a handful of fats. It's how I lost weight pre-adoption and how I'm jump-starting right now.

My family is aware and truly, couldn't give a shit, one way or another. Okay, not true. My daughter is my personal cheering section and every day asks how I feel and have I lost any weight (I feel great and yes, I have).

I talked to my SIL who does most of the cooking and she said she supported me although was not going to add more meat to our meals. That's fine. What I didn't expect was that she would start making really carb heavy meals that I can't eat.

At first I felt hurt and declared that she was obviously sabotaging me. I sniffled, I went to bed hungry and I sniffled some more. Then I stopped. Because what my SIL chooses to do is no reflection on me or my health or my choices. I'm responsible for me, not her, and she can't sabotage me if I stay the track and remain on the path.

So here I am. I love my SIL and think that right now something is playing out that has more to do with her feelings around food and less to do with me. I need to be willing to put aside my sniffling and when there are no good choices for me, to make my own. I need to buy some groceries just for myself and be willing to take responsibility for buying and cooking my food.

And I need to remember that my health is my responsibility and my family loves me but isn't always going to make the right decisions for my care either. That's why I need to do it.

My life. I'm responsible. (May be my new motto for 2017).

Monday, January 2, 2017

Before It's Forgotten

I saw where Willaful had done a bog post saying 2016 hadn't been all bad and it made me think. There was some serious badness and sadness but there were also some things that happened that were amazing:

My sister got married. She and her partner have been together 17 years and couldn't legally marry and now they can and they did. If that isn't worth celebration, I don't know what is.

My SIL is cancer free. A year ago she was sick from chemo and at the lowest point of her life. Now she's regaining her health and energy, she had an amazing holiday and if kicking cancer's ass isn't amazing...

I lost my job (I adored that job) but the very next day got a new job with a man who, although he has some interpersonal challenges, is generous and deep down caring. I'm hoping that I can be a benefit to him as well as I appreciate the benefits he is giving and plans to give his employees.

I wrote a book. That might seem like a small thing but the last thing I wrote to completion was a novella in 2014. This is a step back in the direction I want my life to go.

I'm sure there are other things but right now these are the ones that come to mind.

We're still here and kicking. Hopefully we got a lot more years cause God knows, we got plenty of kick in us.