When You've Lost the Plot

 This has been wild.

I thought George, the orange cat, left us. I was wrong. He's still here and doesn't seem that interested in going anywhere. He's starting to do a tiny bit of daytime investigating and the other two cats, at this point, couldn't give a shit about him.

I honestly thought he was gone.

The leg is still painful as fuck and I'm gobbling pain pills but it's also healing. I'm hobbling but I can do some without the cane. So mobility is improving but pain is still awful. I have an appointment with my pain doctor on Wednesday and hopefully we can adjust meds.

I unsubscribed to Aztec Lady's blog without knowing I unsubscribed. I was starting to worry that she hadn't been posting and then discovered that she had. Smack my forehead and call me a fool.

My work is about to become a nightmare. Last week one employee left to move back to the mainland and this week our best employee is leaving to move back to the mainland. Our receptionist (saved in my phone as Work Bestie) will be off from Thursday to the end of March because of hubby's health. It will not result in anything good in any way and she is going to be going through it. 

That is leaving one MA in the back who is better than nothing but not that much better and one employee in the front who just started. The surgery schedule, referrals, orders ... all these things have no one to do them. 

I'm going to lose my Wednesdays off because we don't have staff. This is going to be a challenge. I've gotten really good with keeping my boundaries at work and I'm going to need to figure this out when the need is going to be so great.

Anyway, my neighbor called me Hanai which is adopted family and that meant the world to me. You are all part of my Hanai as well. It's time to let go off familial wishes and start building on the connections that nurture.

Love y'all and those are true words. Stay safe.

What Do Lori and Humpty Dumpty Have in Common?

 We both had a big fall.

Last Friday night I was reaching to put my phone away while on the bed and I was on the edge and went down. Ka-boom. Ka-blam. Ka-ouch.

I didn't break anything. But I hurt everything. 

I missed most of work this week because I couldn't walk. My PTO just slipped through my fingers without any pleasure in using it. 

I learned that I can ask for help. I have asked my apartment manager for help getting my cats fed and my garbage out. I asked my dear neighbor Mariah to take my laundry to get done (much cheaper than anticipated having a service do it!). I have asked Jack in the Box to feed me. 

It's been fucking hard. The pain has been extreme. The lack of care from certain family members has been disappointing. But I've done it. I've been terrified of falling because I didn't think I could handle it and it turns out that I can.

I'm starting to feel a little better. I finally got a shower today after a week and that meant the world. My cats have watched over me... oh, not George. He knocked over the cat tree in front of the main window and tore down the curtains. Then he pulled the screen off the window and escaped through the glass slats.

Anyway, I don't know when I'm going to be able to get up and down stairs. But right now I feel almost invincible because I got through this week and it's been hard.

Too Many Cats and Too Many Vacuums

 When it rains it purrs...

So yesterday my pink vacuum arrived, as well as another vacuum I had bought on Amazon that I'd gotten refunded for because it was lost in the UPS system. So now I have 2 vacuums and I don't know if I should attempt a return or say thank you for a back up.

Also yesterday, George (the orange cat) was meowing outside my door last night. I opened my door and challenged George to enter by walking past me. He wouldn't. Then both my cats dashed outside.

I was not in the mood (I was watching Love Is Blind on Netflix and we have another Jessica/Messica situation so I just left the door open and went back to the show. A few minutes later George and Wednesday dashed into my bedroom and there was hissing in the front room. WTF?

I find Murder squared off with a white cat with black markings who I had seen once before having not noticed the cat had entered my home and was thinking about staying. So apparently the cat still wanted to come in and had chased George in.

It was a bit much (even for me) so I closed the door because that white cat was too much for all of us currently and now George is here hiding but I think he's not leaving because I want to keep him safe.

What a night.

My No Buy Lie

 So my new vacuum arrives today. The phone chargers are coming in tomorrow and the keyboard for the bedroom computer arrives on Saturday. Obviously I've bought stuff.

But all the things I've bought are things I either need or will use. Nothing pretty, nothing for witchcraft or play. And I'm starting to get it. I'm really starting to get it.

When I started cleaning (I mean, really cleaning out), a lot of the frivolous stuff I bought from fast fashion sites or on Target runs were the first to go. Some of the things I bought, I love. I got jewelry I love and some rugs. Some small decorative pieces. But the things that were bought to be useful, mostly weren't. And I bought things that were just so unnecessary but the dopamine rush of shopping and buying...

And I got notifications that I was getting deliveries all at the same time and I felt guilty for a minute. My new no-buy self had failed. And it's only February.

Except I haven't failed at all. I've been living with a $20 vacuum cleaner from Walmart that falls to pieces while I'm using it. I need a decent vacuum. I need charging cords for my phone. And my work computer failed terribly as a work computer so I'm back on my original laptop and my boss said to do whatever I want with the desktop computer and big ass, beautiful monitor. Well, it's going to get set-up on my bedroom desk and share space with the sewing machine. I'm going to wipe it clean and then just add games and a writing program and I'm gonna love it. But I need a keyboard and got a $50 keyboard from Amazon for $20 and damn...

What I'm not doing is planning out my paychecks to leave myself money to shop with. I'm not seeing that I have $50 after bills and groceries so let's go browse shopping sites. I'm not browsing shopping sites.

There's a greater sense of catching my breath right now. Of controlling the dopamine and finding peace. My no-buy plan was successful in a much larger way than just saving money. 

Total win.

Happy Valentine's Day

 this is really rough and unedited but hell...  it's my blog after all...

Valentine's Day

I tell myself stories

about myself

and all the lives

I never lived

the sun knows my secrets

and finds them

plain

They raised me to lose me

at a young age

with no concern

to how.

Whether a stranger

in a tan car

on a rainy night

offering a ride

or a bottle of pills

after my father

crushed me

as long as I was gone

they wanted a memory

not a daughter

but I refused to die

Instead I was lost

to myself

for most of a lifetime

and would you believe

that today is February 14

the day devoted

to lovers

and the first time

my Valentine

is a real person and not a story

whispered

in a dark room

I'm not the verse

of another's song

or the chorus of my own:

I'm the whole damn orchestra

I'm cacophony

cymbals flying

a pounding drum

a horn blaring

and a whisper

of a violin's string

a flute's frill

I buy myself chocolates

and cheesecake

take myself to the ocean

and say “why look at that

it has a story too

although smaller than yours”

maybe the sun

pretends to be unimpressed

because my brightness

dwarfs it

Valentine's Day

this year

is not for lovers

it exists for me

to revel

in my breasts

my belly

my thick thighs

me

I am

the best lover

I can find

because this love

wasn't supposed to happen

I insisted on living

I will always

insist on living

and when the choice

is no longer mine

I'll be damned

if I go alone in the dark

I'll have stories

of this life

a marvelous tale

of a woman

born to be forgotten

who decided to live

and love herself

with ferocity

because this world

belongs to me

When They Have an Evil Side

I've previously mentioned George, the stray orange cat that I've been feeding. And I believe I've previously mentioned Norman, the maintenance manager of my apartment complex. Now these 2 are converging and I'm sick to my stomach.

George visits twice daily and I feed him. Sometimes he wanders a little bit inside but he always leaves. I'm not trying to catch him, I wanted him to decide if he wants to be adopted. 

So today Norman (who I've always liked) came to tell me that I can't put cat food outside my door anymore. They're setting traps to catch the stray cats and (this is the part that makes me ill), they plan to take the cats to a different place and just dump them out there. 

George isn't fixed. George isn't feral. Not really. He was abandoned I'm sure and he deserves a home because he's an orange cat and all cats deserve homes. As do all dogs and children and donkeys and the rest.

For fuck's sake: cruelty is cruelty.

Anyway, I'm going to try and keep George safe. But I don't think I like Norman anymore which is sad because I really liked him a lot previously. And now I have to worry about either of my cats wandering and getting caught in a trap.

What the absolute fuck.

When Life Hands You Tuna: Feed the Cats

 So Wednesday took off over a week ago and I pretty much accepted she was gone. 8 or 9 days is a long time. And then last night about 9pm I hear loud meowing at the front door and she's home. Complaining non-stop, seeking as much affection as possible and home. 

Murder is angry because in the last week + with Wednesday gone, we've had a nice, calm time together. Murder has stayed close, we've had lots of quiet petting and cuddles and treats. I've liked it too. It was calm. Murder and I are like an old couple. We're settled together. We're happy.

So Mollie wants Wednesday to come to Japan and live with her and her cat Biyoo. Biyoo would love to have a mate. Mollie cat sat for a friend for a week and Biyoo haunted that cat wanting to play, wanting to cuddle together, Biyoo and Wednesday might be a dream team.

And I love Wednesday but I was happier with her gone. I hate to admit it but it's true. So I think we'll be looking at Wednesday becoming an international cat.

Does she need a passport?

I fell in love at lunch and changed my life before the weekend

 This is Lori and Jack outside of Ken's in Hilo. We had a horrible lunch with terrible service and I didn't care because I fell in love over a teri burger and fries and now I've decided to go to North Carolina and see my father and go to Japan and spend next Christmas with my daughter and Jack will probably be in the Maldives or somewhere exciting because his life is exciting but one hour of my life has changed me.

So I haven't talked about my father but a year ago he reached out to me and Mollie and wanted to be in our lives. We made the choice based on financial factors and he paid Mollie's student loans and we are having an interesting, land mine-filled, emotionally manipulative experience.

There's a lot to unpack.

Anyway, he asked Mollie and I to come visit him and his wife in Asheville. We originally said no but I just sent him an email and said we will. But Mollie can only get time off work around Christmas so that's what we need to do. (He just emailed back and was delighted we're coming. So that's done.)

But Jack. Back to handsome, smiling, smart, personable Jack. He's the boyfriend of Mollie's CEO. He's her HR department. He's the bright spot in her job and he is amazing. He's one of those extraordinary people who feels like you've been friends forever the minute you meet. He was in Hilo and offered to bring Mollie foodstuffs back to Japan if I wanted to put said foodstuffs in his hand. 24 packs of Knorr's pasta and rice sides (her favorite quick dinner). 2 bags of Cheetos. 18 Mr. Goodbars. Delivered at lunch at Ken's where I enjoyed my fries and Jack and I talked about business, Hollywood (he's worked as a Hollywood stylist for some famous peeps - which is how he met Juan, Mollie's CEO). 

We talked a lot about Mollie and I loved that he sees her. He really sees her as she is. Sees her strengths and her weaknesses. He obviously likes her and wants to see her succeed.

And when lunch ended, as sadly, it must... he walked me out to my car and asked when I was coming to Japan. And here's the thing: I have a ticket to go already. But I've been putting it off out of fear. It will be a lot of walking and I have bad knees. My American fatness will stand out. I hate traveling.

But Jack stood next to me and talked about the special times he and Juan will show me in Japan. He talked about the ease of escalators and reminded me they have taxis. And I said I'll come before 2024 is done. And last night Mollie and I made out plans.

The funny thing, of course, is that Juan and Jack will travel during the holiday I'm sure but it isn't about seeing them. Last night while Mollie and I watched TikTok videos about Japan and talked about where we want to go, I told Mollie that there are specific places I want to go. There are specific things I want to buy. But I also want to sit in my daughter's home and pet her cat and eat food and watch movies and anime and laugh and be together and bad knees doesn't mean my life stops.

And then on Friday, my boss emailed me that I got a raise and he appreciates me and I thought life will always have uncertainty but if you don't say yes, you don't meet someone like Jack and that would be a true tragedy.

So I met Jack on Thursday, Mollie and I planned out vacay on Friday, my father responded positively on Saturday and I need to get a passport. 

I'm excited.

Barbie

Barbie    

If you haven't seen this yet, you're welcome.

Wednesday's Home

 And she lost her voice.

But she's home. She showed up at the door at 3am and life got so much brighter.