Energy

 One of the things you start to figure out when in trauma therapy is that time doesn't exist as usual. Your body is holding onto things that happened 50 years ago, 40 years ago and on and on while you're moving through the world today.

Exhaustion is my BFF. I can sleep 8 hours of a good, restful sleep and an hour after waking, my ass is dragging and I need a nap. There are days where my body cannot find the energy to stay upright. I have slept 7 or 8 hours during a day and then still slept that night.

I am almost never refreshed.

This has been a great discussion in therapy and there's a lot/too much to unpack here. But suffice to say that in 60 years, sleep has never been restful. The vulnerability of being in bed with the lights out has never been a place that my body relaxes: it always in on high alert.

So negotiating energy is tricky for me. I'm usually too damned tired to make a meal. To mop a floor. To negotiate laundry and living. Then when those sometimes bursts of great energy happen (and they do), I try to take advantage of them and clear as much as possible from my to-do list. Which ultimately, exhausts me again.

So recently I've been trying some new tricks. Going to the gym tires me out but it also wakes me up. I'm not going every day, right now it's kudos if I go more than twice a week. But when I go, I notice my brain is a little sharper after. 

Sitting outside. That's a good one. I can go to the park on the ocean and watch waves and just breathe. I can also walk out of my apartment and sit on the steps with my cats. Looking at the sky helps focus.

Eating is a big energy drain/energy booster. I'm having problems feeding myself because I'm too tired to cook but living on chips or pizza rolls isn't the answer. This one I'm working on. Currently I've had a little spark in the kitchen and made a taco casserole and granola. I got a shit ton of fruits and vegetable and they are all cut and containered. I'm trying to grab a handful of something good more often and avoid bigger or heavier meals. 

Some of the drain comes from age. There's a reason 65 was considered retirement age. Honestly, the brain is a little slower. It took me 4 tries to dial the phone yesterday because my brain was fuzzy and I just couldn't get the numbers right. 

Anyway, I'm dressed for the gym right now but I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it. I'm thinking about packing a lunch and going to the park. I also want a nap.

I'm tired.