Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dear Lori

I lurve reading blogs. I love to read other's viewpoint and either rail at them from the safety of my computer room, or nod my head in sage agreement.

However, I have encountered a serious writing problem that pulls me out of the story - heh heh. The use of acronyms. I'm pulled up short in my reading and spend way too much time trying to figure them out.

So, I devised a system. I decided to apply my own definitions to well-used anronyms. *grin*

Wanna know what they are? Doesn't matter, I'm going to tell you anyway - you'll thank me, I'm sure.

Okay, the first one I know - IMO. That means In My Opinion, right? I always used to add to my posts, JMHO, which is Just My Humble Opinion. I stole it from a football board. Roll Tide!!

I can't read my writing on this next one, but I think it's IDK. Well hell, even I can figure that one out - I Don't Know, right? That would be a handy one for me, I'll have to remember that one.

Here we go then:

GBLT?? My interpretation = Great Big Love Triangle

TGTBT?? My Interpretation = Thank God To Be Tight. (Not that I'd know anything about that...)

JIC?? My interpretation = Just In Case. Hey, could that be what it really means? How smart am I! Jaunty Idealistic Cleft. You're right, I'm reaching.

MOC?? My interpretation = Moon Over Cirocco. Or maybe Men, that word I don't like that starts with a hard C. Perhaps - My Own C***?

YMMV?? My interpretation = Your Mother Moves Vibrators. Yappy Misbegotten Misogynist Virgin?

TBH?? My interpretation = Tired Brown Hair. The Brilliant Handyman? Oh, I know - The Babbling Hore. LMAO! Yes, I strained for that last one - how about The Babbling Hero(ine)?

OTT?? My interpretation = Obviously Truly Titillating.

LBT?? My interpretation = Lacking Brain Tissue. *nods head*

IRL?? My interpretation = I Rate Lovestories (sort of squished two words together there, sorry about that.)

I have to admit, it makes reading blogs much more interesting, if slightly less comprehensible. Gives the posts new meanings, even makes some posts more interesting.

So in support of complete idiocy I made up a few of my own, because that's how I think. I don't know how many opportunities there'll be to use them though. However, they occupied my mind when I didn't want to write.

TMT = Too Much Tongue

COL = Cock Too Long (is that ever a possibility?)

BSL = Boobs Sinking Lower

HNF = Heroines Never Fart

HNB = Heroes Never Belch

TBSBT = This Book Sucks Big Time (may be used for plotline or as a critique)

CIM = Cum Is Messy

Oh, I could go on and on. Thing is, there's not much chance to use them, as well as the fact that I'll forget them in about, oh say, two minutes.

Good thing I wrote some down. Never know when you can use an acronym. ;-)

Friday, May 27, 2011

Dear Lori

I have a terrible dilemma (is that how you spell it? it looks funny).

Anyway, I have caboodles of books on pre-order and my Kindle for PC has had a nervous breakdown. Although I have it set on sort "By Most Recent", it refuses to cooperate. Anything I download disappears into more than 600 books. 0_o

You are familiar, of course, with my memory.

Put these two facts together and what do you get? Unread books, that's what!

I have contacted Amazon. They were very quick to answer and suggested several things, all of which I tried. All of which failed. My Kindle for PC has developed a mind of its own.

I guess I shall have to check my Amazon account daily, because I have no idea when some of these books are being released. The only date shown is the order date; you have to go into each order to find the release date.


What, you may be wondering, are the books I've pre-ordered?

Kiss of Snow by Nalini Singh (and her publishers ought to be horse-whipped for the price they put on this book! So should I for getting it, I reckon. But anyway I digress - that's a whole other post.

Magic Slays by Ilona Andrews. Yum. Did you know this writing duo is putting up self pubbed novellas on Amazon and other places?

Hexed, an anthology which I'm getting for the Ilona Andrews story therein.

Just Like Heaven by Julia Quinn, because I've always wanted to know more about the Smythe girls, lol.

Storm's Heart by Thea Harrison, the followup book to Dragon Bound. Its release date is far enough in the future I'll probably forget all about it.

Freaks by Tess Gerritson, a Kindle freebie. I know I won't remember this one!

The Secrets She Can't Hide by India Grey. I think I liked the review over at DA and so pre-ordered it. Another one I won't remember.

Sugar B's Back In Town by Lori Green. Okay, that's a lie, I didn't pre-order it because I can't. That's the only reason why. But Lyrical will get it on Amazon sooner rather than later and I will be waiting to pounce. This one I won't forget!

We need some damn emoticons here. Something that would indicate my complete disgust with my Kindle PC and myself. Computers are supposed to make a person's life easier; how come I end up using much more paper? LOL.

What books are you looking forward to, if any?

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Bodice Rippers

Dear Carolyn,

It took me three days to format it for the Kindle. I unpublished it twice. But I finally got it done.

The Bodice Rippers by Lori Green and C. L. McCullough is available for 99 cents on Amazon.

I'm excited to have it on Amazon. I co-wrote that piece of shit and laughed my ass off as we did it. I've laughed every time I've read it. Even as I was cussing the tedium of formatting it, I was laughing at random lines.

“Take me Marv,” Rita cooed. “Make me a woman and not a 32 year old virgin who has never had a heat seeking missile torpedo her love hole.”

Her voice shook like a tamborine.

They were arrested for malicious vomiting.

Nobody can write shit as well as we can write shit, my friend.

Everyone should buy this book. Really, they should. This is funny shit.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dear Lori

Put down the keyboard, woman, and back away. You may not come back until your mind has cleared. No porn, darlin', we don't have time for it.

We have (once again) vowed to finish Letters from Greece. You remember - that little story we started two and a half years ago? The one that's undergone several incarnations? The one we can't manage to bring to a close so our heroines can have a HEA?

Time to get tough and for the tough to get going. *nods head* We're so close!

We don't got no time for the steenky porn! We got mountains to climb and oceans to sail and women to get laid! We got angsty romance to write!


PS: You did too write a threesome once. As a matter of fact, you wrote two threesomes. Happening at the same time. Shocked me to death, lol.

Ahhh - those were the days. :-)

Dear Carolyn,

Well it's Monday morning and my self-cleaning oven is self-cleaning, my little girl cat is trying to hump my big girl cat (yes, I have a lesbian kitty) and I've decided to try and write porn.

This is going to be an experiment in porn writing. I have a story where the heroine was being forced to choose between two men but instead she's choosing them both. So there is going to be a threesome.

As an aside, a threesome is one of the few things I never did in my long and lusty career as a courtesan. Oh there were times I was tempted, especially when the Duke of Strappingonaham showed up at my door just as the Earl of Roastbeefonrye was leaving. I remember thinking to myself, "What a meaty repast those two would be."

Alas, it was not meant to happen.

So I'm thinking that I'll make a list of body parts and then number them for attention. A checklist of sorts. Neck nibbles? Check. Nipples sucked? Check. Lapping folds and mouthy goodness? Okey dokey.

The only thing is that I don't get off on the idea of double/dual penetration and the old blow job usually makes me gag in sympathy response. OMG! Speaking of such: I was reading a very popular author who described a blow job so deep that his pubic hair was brushing on her lip. Gads! I just gagged writing that.

Don't women in sex scenes have a gag reflex?

Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes. Right now I'm going to bake something chocolatey and then start my list. It's gonna be sprinkling sex here in Seattle today... hee hee.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

I read an interesting blog this morning about DNF reviews and I was wondering how you felt.

I have a lot of books in my DNF pile. There's that Song of Scarab.... you know, the science fiction one that got great reviews and you loved. I couldn't get very far with it. And a few others that I just hated the voice of shortly after beginning.

I don't think it's important that I slog through a book to see if it gets better. But do I have an obligation to keep my comments to myself if I haven't finished it?

We agreed not to do reviews on this blog but we'll happily share our mad love of books and authors. Loretta Chase, I'm talking about you when I say mad love. I want to have your babies ma'am, and wash your dishes and be your cabana boy. Mad love.

I have comented on Goodreads though about my DNFs. But to me Goodreads is well, I don't know. A social book shelf.

If you haven't read to the end then maybe you miss the author redeeming a character or a situation. Is it fair to do a review of something you haven't finished because you basically don't know the whole story?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dear Lori

Over on DA they're having an in depth discussion on female ejaculation.

Okay, this has not been a burning question in my life. Neither was fisting or some of the other things I've learned since surfing the blogs. Btw, I appreciate you answering all my questions.

My father once told me - when my first son was born, in fact - that I'd now experienced everything a woman could. Nothing left. Oh boy, little did he know.

Now, I have nothing against female ejaculation. I've never experienced it. 'Tis said it intensifies the orgasm, but you know, even a little bitty, half hearted orgasm is pretty damn good. They say instead of clenching muscles, you should relax and push down as if urinating and you will ejaculate, if you practice enough. I know this because I was fascinated enough to Google and ended up with Oprah, who of course knows everything.

It seems the Skene glands are the culprit. Little pieces of prostate left over from man's creation, commonly known as the G spot. And the Skene glands encircle the female urethra, just as the prostate gland does the male. How the hell did I work for urologist all those years and not know this? Perhaps I'm just showing my age, because it seems there's been very little research done on this phenomena. It's not life threatening - no one's going to die if they don't experience an enhanced orgasm ... are they?

The thing is, I'm a woman of a certain age. I've had four pregnancies, various and sundry surgeries 'down there' and I still provide Poise with a large percentage of my income.

Why the hell would I want to push down?

Still, it's all very fascinating. Reminds me of that Oprah show where women were taking small amounts of testosterone to find their libidos. Now, that's a fine line! Lust without hirsuteness (is that a word?) Okay, lust without the hair. I wonder what it does to the little bitty prostate glands called Skenes? I bet it would double the distance.

On top of all that, I'm just plain lazy. Don't like the sound of the cleanup. I'll keep my retrograde ejaculation, thank you very much, it's much neater and saves the sheets.

Which reminds me, I used to think it would be quite the thing to have a partner with retrograde ejaculation. Many men ejaculate back into the bladder after prostate surgery and I thought their wives had it made. No mess. No need to get out of bed and make a bathroom run. It seemed the best of both worlds, so to speak.

Now I find out I've been retrograding all my life.

Live and learn. Ain't the internet a wonderful thing?

Dear Carolyn,

Since I have a little time on my hands *cough, cough* I've tried to create and remain true to a writing schedule. I'm proud to say that I did it for an entire day.

So otherwise, I had closets to straighten out, laundry to do, naps to take, and lots of chatting with friends. I also baked tons of things that we haven't eaten and cooked and well, I've done lots of things that haven't involved getting word counts done.

I've also written, to tell you the truth. But not as a sit down and get those words on paper, young lady! kind of writing. More like doodling and moving the story along slowly.

I don't know why it's so hard. I don't understand how people put their creative selves on a time clock. I always look around and can think of a million things that need doing...

I just had a thought when writing that. Do you think it's because I don't take it seriously? Washing floors and feeding my family is serious. Writing isn't. Or if I treat the writing as seriously as a real job then I have to treat myself seriously too?

Naw, ain't nothing serious about me.

I just remember a teacher ages ago who said she always had to have chocolate before she wrote. So she'd bake brownies to infuse her home with the scent, she'd eat a candy bar... whatever it took. For me writing is fun and wonderful but I hate to have things on my plate that need doing because they nag me. And I don't have the ability to compartmentalize. So I have to get things done first before I feel free enough to write.

Maybe I should try to get all my chores done today early so I can write later. That sounds like a good idea.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

I decided to experience direct publishing to Kindle and added a short story:

It wasn't too hard with a short story but the idea of trying to format an entire book is giving me conniptions. However, anything worth doing is worth learning so I plan to learn more about this. Or beg Mollie to learn it and do it for me.

I was on Smashwords and looking at titles and oh my goodness, there sure is a lot of porn. And not just porn but porn with sopping love pots and huge manhoods. And all the heroines (is she a heroine when she's being porked by anyone with a jutting meat stick?) are just out of high school with perky DD cup boobs and asses that a man can fry on egg on.

The sex has thrusting and spewing and many orgasms. Orgasms of the my body started to shake with a feeling I never felt before. His root took seed deep inside me and and I heard the yodeling echoes of pleasure coming from my own throat.

I have so much to learn about writing sex.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

I'm smashed. Hee.

I've been looking at blogs galour and reading everybody's opinions about self-publishing versus traditional versus epubs versus wearing patent leather shoes and looking up skirts. All I can figure out is no to the patent leather.

Naw, I figured out that nowadays in the world of publishing there is no right or wrong way. It's an open door right now and a smart person doesn't choose what everyone else says but rather chooses what will work for herself.

So I decided I want it all.

I LOVELOVELOVE Lyrical Press and don't want to leave their family. Oh my goodness, writing for a publisher who squeezes every extra comma out and then ekes the exclamation points from you too... well, they're awesome. I learn more about writing from a round of edits with Lyrical than I did with years of writing classes.

I want to self publish. I like having some control and I like the idea of getting some of the harder to sell stuff out there.

And I want to one day get that New York contract too. So there. I shall. And damn it Red, I intend to drag you along kicking and screaming with me.


So I added some 99cent porn to Smashwords.

Feliz Navidad is the better of the two. I hope maybe we can get our Letters From Greece book finished and up this summer. What do you say, Carolyn? Ready to self-publish a story?

Then you could have three books coming out in summer.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

Do you think it's possible to have a successful writing career without devoting eery single minute of every single day to it?

I was blog hopping yesterday and read a few different blogs that seemed to share the opinion that if you aren't spending hours a day writing and promoting and being a writer, you won't be successful. And when I say hours a day I mean 18 out of 24 hours and hope your kid can open the Spaghetti-O's can and use the microwave cause Mama is busy.

I can't be that person. (What a joke: trying to keep me out of the kitchen would be equivalent to a criminal act!) And I love hanging out with the kid in the living room and watching some TV with her and being present in her life.

I'm finding that the older I get the less it's about doing things as others tell me to and a lot more about figuring out ways that let me love my life and feel fulfilled.

Yesterday I hit my word count after about an hour and a half of writing. The problem was I felt really burned out after that. (Yesterday I also mopped the floor, vacuumed and killed the fish. It was a very strange day for me, a very bad one for the fish.)

It's only 5:30 in the morning right now and I have a pot of coffee and I'm going to see if I can hit the word count for the day right now. But then I also need to get the kid to school, bake an apple pie, clean the bathrooms and update my Facebook page.

I don't think I can sit in front of the computer for hours and hours without wanting to hurt myself. Can you?

Well, I might never be a million dollar success but I will have the life I want. One that has lots of homemade cookies, a happy kid and some books I wrote. I think that will probably be good enough for me.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dear Lori

So, here I am, staring Medicare squarely in the face and at the same time trying to learn new tricks.

When I discovered Romancelandia-or whatever the hell they call it-about five or six years ago, I didn't realize how much of a learning experience it would be. Essentially, I've been taking a college-level night course in all sorts of things, taught by people who sound much more educated, if not smarter than me, many of them with a string of letters after their names. They dissect. They opine. They scatter opinions around like confetti. They're really into psychology and sociology and their reviews reflect the serious shit that's found in romance books. They go on and on until my eyes glaze over.

This is all IMO, of course.

I've come to rely on reviews to find new and engaging authors. But I prefer a nice, short review, not a thesis. You know-the good stuff in the book, the bad stuff and why the reviewer thinks this way.

With one exception. SB Sarah. I don't care how long her reviews are; in fact, the longer the better. She writes the best and funniest reviews and I'm never bored. I also never think she's talking down to me or trying to slip in a new curriculum.

It's romance books, damn it!

I read them to escape, to relax and let someone else worry about stuff, or to laugh and cheer the protagonists on. I read them to ohhhh or euwww at strange new creatures or worlds. Instead of 'take me away, Calgon', it's 'take me away, Romance'. Keep the really serious stuff for woman's lit.

So, now I've become picky about what reviews I read. I like Jane's at DA. I've bought a lot more Harlequins than I ever thought I would because of her short, concise reviews. I like Kristy J's reviews; it's like sitting down and talking with an old friend. Same with Sarah T-I've discovered a lot of mystery books through her.

A reviewer, IMO, ought to be interesting and to the point or she does a disservice to the book she's reviewing. I don't want a synopsis (hate the damn things). I don't want a 'this book is great-read it'. How the hell does that help?

There must be some neutral meeting point where the two extremes can blend together to make a concise, entertaining review. And since I vowed never to return to school after getting my ADN in my forties, I stand by my original statement (I'm sure there's one somewhere). I don't want to dissect Romance like we did Oliver Twist in high school.

It's Romance, damn it!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

Happy Mother's Day, hun. I know that for both of us this is kind of a blah day. But I also know that both of us being mother's know how important our choices are and have been for our children.

I really hope that Mollie looks back at her childhood and sees that not only was her mother there for her, but her mother didn't stop reaching for dreams and goals. I hope she can see that age is a number and not a limit. I hope she can see that dreams don't die.

I see myself in her so much. She's crazy funny and sometimes inappropriate as hell. (So me, I tear up in joy.) She's discovering her talent as an actress and the way she savors the humor and is delighting all around her ... well, I'd like to think she learned that at her mother's arthritic knee.

I loved my mother to distraction but she never had a focus or a passion for something. I think that had she loved something she might have had more to hang onto in life.

I hope that when Mollie becomes an old fart, she'll remember how her mother started getting published later in life. I hope she remembers my dreams coming true past the 40 mark (and that includes becoming her mother). I hope she remembers that my best friend was also reaching her dreams at the same time and the bond we share as woman friends also makes the joy double-fold.

I have a hell of a lot to be proud of as a mother. I have a hell of a lot still to do and enjoy. As do you.

Happy Mother's Day Carolyn. You have a lot of reason to be proud. And I love you to pieces.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Oh Lori!

What a pleasant surprise!!

You're so good to me. I truly am grateful, because my mouth was getting awfully dry. :-D

So - we're all here and almost ready to go. Except for TL, but her day will come. As she herself says:

Well, hell, I was a southern belle, wasn’t I? Southern belles had tough reputations—soft silk covering a spine of steel. Just look at Scarlett. She’d certainly had it worse than me and she managed and triumphed. Even if she did lose her man, something else we had in common. If Scarlett could do it, then by God, so could I.

“Tomorrow is another day,” I muttered, digging in my duffle for clean clothes. “And I’ll be a new woman. Strong. Tough. Oh lord, celibate.” My throat tightened. Used up before I was thirty, because I couldn’t imagine loving anyone but Rhett...Rafe!

Never miss a chance to display the goods, that's what I say. *grin*

Thank you again. Really, this nagging can get exhausting.


Dearest, Darlingest Carolyn,

I updated the blog so stop your nagging!!

If anyone is interested: currently we have

666 Angel Lane, released by Lyrical Press and available on Amazon.

Hot, Hexed and Bothered available by Noble Romance Publishing.

Our piece of shit, The Bodice Rippers available for free on Smashwords.

The Seduction of Lady Bea releasing on July 4 (British woman wooed by Spanish singer out on American Independence Day, go figure).

And on June 6, Sugar B's Back in Town.

August will also see the release of The Trials and Tribulations of a West Coast Southern Belle.

Oh, and we have even more coming. I do promise summer time with the Farts will be full of give aways and awesomeness.

Have I ever lied to you?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Dear Lori

I was prowling around the Lyrical site last night. I do that every now and then. I stare at all the pretty covers and dream.

Used to, I'd stare at my 'coming soon' non-cover for Lady Bea and dream some more. Then, by God, Bea got herself a cover, so now I have something concrete to stare at. And such a pretty cover too. I'm jealous of Bea and worship Rene, lol.

Anyway, I was over there last night and lo and behold, right there beside Bea and her cover was The Trials and Tribulations of a West Coast Southern Belle, in its 'coming soon' phase. But hot damn, right there under the non-cover was a bit of extra information. TL will make her bow to the world August 15, 2011, the month after Bea's debut.

Well, holy shit!!

Okay, I said all that to say this: get the book pages back woman! You'll have 3 damn books out by June and I'll have 2 by August. I think we deserve book pages here at the Old Fart homestead. Fuck the 'official' sites. This is home for me.

I want a book page, darlin'. You control the site, so you'd best get busy. Don't I sound tough? Well, of course, it all depends if RL will let you have the time and all that stuff, etc., etc.

But I hope you can do it, because honey - Sugar B and TL are coming to town! :-)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Dear Carolyn,

Mea culpa. I made a dirty joke about your husband and you punished me by saying I had to get my ass over here and write a post. I know this isn't supposed to be punishment but well, good golly Miss Molly, I ain't got too much to say.

I've been reading so damned much lately but right now my reading is halted. I just can't find myself interested too much in reading.

Instead I'm in that wonderful place where the sun is out, the kitchen is seeing lots of cooking, I have plants everywhere and creativity and fertility is just taking over my life.Fertility or fecundity? At my age the only thing fertile about me is in my own multiplying waist-line. So ha!

Anyway, sunshine makes me happy. Makes me want to clean and cook and write and celebrate. It doesn't make me want to bury my head in a book really.

Although the writing is coming along very slowly and surely.

It's just spring spring spring. I love spring.