Saturday, March 16, 2024

Finding the One

 Growing up, we were force fed the Happily Ever After myth. Born in 1958, I played with Barbies in the 60s and make-up in the 70s.All I wanted was to fit in and find a boyfriend. I didn't do either.

I was never thin and so I was never "okay". I had boys mock my body for my belly and my breasts while at home, my father sexualized me and separated my ability to live inside of that same body by touching it inappropriately and making comments about me and other women constantly. 

When you live with a misogynist, it chips away at you.

I just wanted a boyfriend and I wanted to be left alone.

Fast forward: at age 43 I become a mother through adoption. I have been sexually active since age 36 (yes, you read that right. The hormones woke up and I started bed crawling. I would fuck anyone with a penis because it felt fabulous but my brain was imploding still because I just wanted a boyfriend who could keep my body feeling good as well as my brain feeling good but that wasn't happening.)

There's a great reason for therapy.

But still I remained brain fucked a bit and then my mother died and my life changed and Mollie and I started a different life, just the two of us, in a new place and we settled in. And I stopped caring about men altogether. Book boyfriends were the only men I was interested in. My life was Mollie and getting by and we struggled a shit ton but our bond became something I'd never had before.

When Mollie was 4 years old, I met Carolyn on a fan forum and she messaged me regarding a story I was writing and we started a friendship. I called Carolyn before I called my siblings when my mother died. We started talking daily, sharing everything. Carolyn is the most non-judgmental, generous friend I've ever had. And at the times when I feel like I take too much from her, she'll point out that she feels overwhelmed by what I've given her and it all sets itself right again.

I met Lea through the same fan forum. I met a lot of women there and many there are still bonds and will be forever. Lea and I had an instant shared sense of humor and we spam each other daily with jokes and memes. Lea and I have a running plan to vacation together and I always tell her that we won't be doing any of that "lesbean" stuff but I do plan to cuddle her and big spoon her. Because that's who we are.

During that time Carolyn and I discovered Romancelandia a whole community of women. We/I connected to the lovely Az and Willa. Through social media other connections were made.

And one day I realized I no longer wanted a boyfriend or to fit in. I realized that I had been fed lies my entire life. The connection I had always longed for existed within the communities that women made. If I have a soulmate she's an old Southern Canadian lady in Selma Alabama whom I have never met fac to face but gave my heart to 20 years ago and she's nurtured it in ways a man never could.

My family is here: when I feel lost or sad or alone, I reach out through the void online with an email or a blog post and my women are there. I am comforted by you all. I am sustained.I I feel heard and cared for and I feel lucky.

And I love you all so much. Because I don't have to see your face to know your heart. I don't have to call you family to be nurtured by you. That we all come back to each other in different spaces is all the commitment I need. 

Thank you ladies.

Friday, March 15, 2024

The Art of Healing

 I've been completely hooked on a Demi Lovato album (Dancing with the Devil) from a few years ago. The album is centered on her addiction and healing journey as well as the disastrous relationships she had been in during those times. The songs are total earworms for me but more than anything, it feels so personal as though from my own experience even though I am not an addict and our healing looks so different.


I'm currently healing from my fall still, while I need to start getting ready for my move as well as dealing with my work life imploding. I am legitimately overwhelmed. Today I am sitting at my desk and almost paralyzed with dread.

And I have songs running through my brain. Snippets like "I still believe in me" and "it ain't black or white, it's all of the colors I recently discovered". Reminders. Words I'm trying to say to myself.

I'm scared. I've jumped so many times in this lifetime and this is the first time I'm deep down scared. I've never felt injured before. I haven't been this completely alone in many years. I don't have youth on my side and my resilience is at an all time low.

So Demi is currently keeping me believing in myself. I told Carolyn this morning that tomorrow will be exactly a month since I fell. In a month from today I'll probably be moved and unpacking. Time doesn't stop whether you're ready or not.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

WTF Is Happening Right Now?

 I do not believe any of this is normal. I am cursed with chaos.

On Friday, I spent the morning in the ER and then came home still in pain. I went to work, because Mama needs to keep the kitties in kibble. I worked 4 hours and then couldn't do more.

I knew I could put in some extra time on the weekend if I wanted but I didn't want. My body needs rest. I need rest. I need to to get this leg stronger and without pain. I need to lie in bed and elevate my leg. I need to ice my knee and ankle. I need to put a heating pad on my calf (I figured out from the calf pain that it's a pulled muscle).

On Saturday my office manager texts me that the doctor has decided to work all day Monday and he needs a schedule. I'm currently the one viable employee (as mentioned before: one new employee without computer training and one medical assistant without competence). 

So I worked. I filled the doctor's schedule for Monday. I sent out some faxes and that was it.

Today is Sunday. My doctor texted me at 10am that he was catching a plane for the mainland for a family emergency. I need to cancel all his patients for the week.

Consider this: on Saturday I called a whole bunch of people and scheduled them and then Sunday I called the same people to put them all back where they were originally. And I also called the procedure patients to let them know so they could change plans because they have scheduled time off work and arranged with other people to drive them and whatnot.

This isn't normal. And the worst part of it was that this week originally was closed t then he changed his mind and decided to work. So he has reverse Uno'd every situation going on this week.

I'm just trying to decide what to do about compensation. I spent an hour on the phone on a Sunday morning. Do I charge 2 hours because that's my minimum work time or do I ask for time and a half? I am not letting this be treated as normal or okay.

Ideas?

Saturday, March 9, 2024

And the Siren Goes Waaaaaaa

 Woke up the other day in the worst pain ever. My leg was screaming. I chewed down pain pills and they did nothing. The pain didn't abate. I called Carolyn crying. "What do I do?" My daughter called me and I was still crying. I called work, crying.

Then I called the ambulance.

Pain doesn't make me cry almost ever. I'm used to pain. If I'm crying, if I'm crying openly in front of others: it's bad for me. 

I went to the ER where they had me wait. Then they x-rayed my leg and then they had me wait and then they told me I was fine and sent me home. They didn't address the pain except to say nothing was broken. They offered nothing, they said ice and elevate and then left the room.

I was obviously mobility challenged and they didn't put the safety rails up on the bed. When I was discharged they left me alone to get out of the bed and out of the hospital by myself. I sat outside the hospital and cried.

If it wasn't for my neighbors and my apartment manager I wouldn't have been able to ... survive really. 

Anyway, today is less pain (although my ankle is suddenly throwing a hissy fit). (Ouch.) I'm trying to stay on a pain pill schedule (taking so many more than I should but my pain doctor refused me an emergency appointment). I'm icing, elevating, sleeping.

All isn't miserable though. I found these really good chicken sandwiches at Walmart and Max has Wonka movie with Timothee Chalamet which looks awful but fun. I was able to get all my dirty and wet clothes picked up so I feel a tiny bit better.

That's the other thing: my apartment needs to be cleaned and I can't be mobile enough to do much. So the floors need vacuuming and mopping. The litter is strewn about. There are dishes in the sink and multiple small bags of garbage. I need someone to come and help me out and nobody here is close friends like that enough to ask (Carolyn, want to catch a flight? Or better yet, send your sister.)

My emotional strength comes a lot from the home I created and my pride and pleasure in it. With it being dirty and chaotic then I feel weak and unprepared. I'm vulnerable as hell.

However, I know this will get better. There aren't any options. And it is helpful to know there are no breaks. 

And one of my neighbors came by and offered to buy my pain pills from me (she heard about my ambulance ride).

I'm ready to be bored now...

Wednesday, March 6, 2024

I'm an April Fool

 There is so much going on. Work is like a dumpster fire and everybody has fire hoses but they're aimed everywhere but at the flames. (3 employees left: 1 is on personal leave. That leaves 1 new person who is untrained and 1 person who is just not that good and messes up almost everything she touches).

Which means, for your intrepid heroine, a lot of emails asking me to get things done that I don't have time to do. Do I care? Not especially. When I do a great job I'm treated about the same as when I fuck up so... whatever. I'm not putting my mental health on the line for a job.

And also ... I'm moving. First or second week next month I'm leaving my sweet, little apartment for another one in the complex that has no stairs. It will probably be a hike in rent (they haven't raised my rent since I moved in) and I'll lose my pretty views but I'll gain so much more.

More privacy. A small little yard (all stones but I can put a chair outside for reading or hanging with the cats). Closer to the laundry, garbage and mail. Doesn't have the foot traffic that a corner apartment next to the stairs has, No walkway directly in front of my windows.

And you all know I'm a freak about decorating so this time I can approach the move differently. I can plan to decorate as I move in. Learn from some mistakes. Repeat the successes.

Honestly the timing is really something. But it'll never be right. But I need the change. And I really need easier access to the laundry. 

Anyway, that's what's happening with that. I really have to commend Ms. Az with her Kellogg's post on her blog. It's every piece of information needed and she summarizes everything important about why the boycott, how the boycott and especially, why it has every chance of affecting change.

Sunday, February 25, 2024

When You've Lost the Plot

 This has been wild.

I thought George, the orange cat, left us. I was wrong. He's still here and doesn't seem that interested in going anywhere. He's starting to do a tiny bit of daytime investigating and the other two cats, at this point, couldn't give a shit about him.

I honestly thought he was gone.

The leg is still painful as fuck and I'm gobbling pain pills but it's also healing. I'm hobbling but I can do some without the cane. So mobility is improving but pain is still awful. I have an appointment with my pain doctor on Wednesday and hopefully we can adjust meds.

I unsubscribed to Aztec Lady's blog without knowing I unsubscribed. I was starting to worry that she hadn't been posting and then discovered that she had. Smack my forehead and call me a fool.

My work is about to become a nightmare. Last week one employee left to move back to the mainland and this week our best employee is leaving to move back to the mainland. Our receptionist (saved in my phone as Work Bestie) will be off from Thursday to the end of March because of hubby's health. It will not result in anything good in any way and she is going to be going through it. 

That is leaving one MA in the back who is better than nothing but not that much better and one employee in the front who just started. The surgery schedule, referrals, orders ... all these things have no one to do them. 

I'm going to lose my Wednesdays off because we don't have staff. This is going to be a challenge. I've gotten really good with keeping my boundaries at work and I'm going to need to figure this out when the need is going to be so great.

Anyway, my neighbor called me Hanai which is adopted family and that meant the world to me. You are all part of my Hanai as well. It's time to let go off familial wishes and start building on the connections that nurture.

Love y'all and those are true words. Stay safe.

Friday, February 23, 2024

What Do Lori and Humpty Dumpty Have in Common?

 We both had a big fall.

Last Friday night I was reaching to put my phone away while on the bed and I was on the edge and went down. Ka-boom. Ka-blam. Ka-ouch.

I didn't break anything. But I hurt everything. 

I missed most of work this week because I couldn't walk. My PTO just slipped through my fingers without any pleasure in using it. 

I learned that I can ask for help. I have asked my apartment manager for help getting my cats fed and my garbage out. I asked my dear neighbor Mariah to take my laundry to get done (much cheaper than anticipated having a service do it!). I have asked Jack in the Box to feed me. 

It's been fucking hard. The pain has been extreme. The lack of care from certain family members has been disappointing. But I've done it. I've been terrified of falling because I didn't think I could handle it and it turns out that I can.

I'm starting to feel a little better. I finally got a shower today after a week and that meant the world. My cats have watched over me... oh, not George. He knocked over the cat tree in front of the main window and tore down the curtains. Then he pulled the screen off the window and escaped through the glass slats.

Anyway, I don't know when I'm going to be able to get up and down stairs. But right now I feel almost invincible because I got through this week and it's been hard.