I am spending January in Maui. I got here Thursday and immediately started working after 6 months of not being in an office and I was overwhelmed. By the time I left I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Friday was even busier and physically more taxing because I assisted in surgery. Friday night I was done in.
Oh, and did I mention that I'm staying in my boss' house? Oh yeah. Thank goodness it's like a basement apartment (nicer than mine in Hilo) but there's no chance to be alone alone and decompress.
I have been on the verge of tears for days.
Yesterday I was handed car keys, shown how to use the car's navigation system and off I went. I didn't go anywhere special. First I found a Starbucks and got some caffeine. Then I drove through Wailuku and found a park and sat. I called Carolyn. I called Megan. (I should mention that the evening previous I had a video call with Lea too).
And the thing was, what I had realized on Thursday when I arrived and throughout each day, is that I'm feeling so vulnerable. Being on my own in the car was the first time since I got here that I had any control. It was a punch in the gut.
I'm away from home. I have no return ticket, no transportation, no independence. The boss and especially his wife are super accommodating and kind but they're still the boss and his wife, ya know? This isn't a vacation.
I haven't felt this vulnerable in a long time. I feel like an open wound. It's murdering my appetite although I'm sleeping wonderfully.
There's no answer. I need to get some therapy started and begin to heal that part of me. I'm vulnerable but not out of control.
The best thing so far: I have discovered that 100% Egyptian cotton towels are the most amazing towels ever created and I must own some. I had Indian food and loved it. I am drinking cold brew because they don't have coffee in the house and it's a life saver. And I found some dispensers on sale at Target for soap and shampoo so I felt happy.
And I also figured that if I'm feeling this vulnerable it might be the perfect time to write a bit and see if I can capture the feeling on paper.
Keeping my fingers crossed that the next three weeks are easier on you.
ReplyDeleteWishing I knew of a way to help ease the stress and vulnerable for you babe. Just know we're here. I shall also try and up my game when it comes to the funnies. They can't hurt, right?
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see what you write, if you write, if you want to share. I'm just a few keystrokes away. MWAH!!!