Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
on all 34 counts.
I am going to retire. I can't do this daily grind anymore. I can't keep trying to get through any more days with growing anxiety and depression. I'm so fucking unhappy that I feel like I'm trying to suck joy from a bent straw.
I asked everyone. Family, friends, strangers. (Okay, maybe not the strangers). And only one person wanted me to stay working and that was my daughter. I think her desire had more to do with my paycheck and less to do with my happiness.
But the decision actually came from the conversation I had with my therapist. We went through the pro's and con's. We looked at it all and the realization was simply that no answer was perfect but the least damaging one was retirement.
And I finally admitted what I hated admitting: I am severely depressed. People who know me have probably figured that out. And I've known it but didn't want to admit to the severity of it. But the truth is that I'm one of those people who stops functioning well. I don't shower. Laundry grows, garbage bags gather and I sit on my bed doing anything to distract myself.
Sometimes I have those wonderful sparks of joy or energy and things happen. Curtains are made and hung. A lasagna is cooked, the floors sparkle. But all too often I drag myself from bed to my computer, wearing the same clothes as yesterday and trying not to take all the slings and shots sent by email to heart.
I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. But this is the only thing that feels hopeful to me right now.
I have too many potatoes. So with too many potatoes the answer is potato salad.
My mother used to make potato salad. She would use potatoes, hard boiled eggs, scallions with mayo and salt and pepper. Very plain. But good.
When I moved in with M & M, Myrna made potato salad. She added chopped pickles, a little vinegar, some mustard, a ton of seasonings and some other chopped veggies. I didn't like it. It was too busy and I missed the simplicity of my mother's.
So today I'm making some and I'll make the potato salad my mother made but from Myrna I'll add mustard, some dill and maybe a tiny tiny bit of red pepper (maybe not).
It's Memorial Day weekend so a good time to cook a little extra and make a special something or another.
Kitten update: We have reason to think it's a boy (sadly). However, although the kitten hasn't gotten comfortable with me yet, my daughter the cat whisperer guided me to getting the cat closer and friendlier. By the end of this weekend I intend that we'll be friends.
So: share your potato salad recipe, if you would. I'd love some new ideas.
So I went to sit on the steps outside my apartment with my 2 cats and out of nowhere this kitten shows up. Checks us out and walks away. Then comes back. And then walks into my apartment like she owns the place. Which maybe she does.
Anyway: I have 3 cats. I never argue when a cat chooses me.
Mollie gave notice at her job and is one step away from getting a new job and her current job sent her an email that they just got a contract that will involve working with K-Pop groups in Korea. She's screaming. Her job (boss) is really toxic but this could be a dream come true.
Has anyone besides me watched Bridgerton? This is Season 3 and it's Colin and Penelope and it's both adorable AF and annoying. The other seasons had burning love and desire and Colin and Pen have been circling each other since Season 1, Episode 1 so the lack of build-up was pretty apparent. And I know the big part of their story happens after their engagement but it was still a little bit of a let down.
Although I cannot wait until June 13 when the next 4 episodes drop.
One of the things you start to figure out when in trauma therapy is that time doesn't exist as usual. Your body is holding onto things that happened 50 years ago, 40 years ago and on and on while you're moving through the world today.
Exhaustion is my BFF. I can sleep 8 hours of a good, restful sleep and an hour after waking, my ass is dragging and I need a nap. There are days where my body cannot find the energy to stay upright. I have slept 7 or 8 hours during a day and then still slept that night.
I am almost never refreshed.
This has been a great discussion in therapy and there's a lot/too much to unpack here. But suffice to say that in 60 years, sleep has never been restful. The vulnerability of being in bed with the lights out has never been a place that my body relaxes: it always in on high alert.
So negotiating energy is tricky for me. I'm usually too damned tired to make a meal. To mop a floor. To negotiate laundry and living. Then when those sometimes bursts of great energy happen (and they do), I try to take advantage of them and clear as much as possible from my to-do list. Which ultimately, exhausts me again.
So recently I've been trying some new tricks. Going to the gym tires me out but it also wakes me up. I'm not going every day, right now it's kudos if I go more than twice a week. But when I go, I notice my brain is a little sharper after.
Sitting outside. That's a good one. I can go to the park on the ocean and watch waves and just breathe. I can also walk out of my apartment and sit on the steps with my cats. Looking at the sky helps focus.
Eating is a big energy drain/energy booster. I'm having problems feeding myself because I'm too tired to cook but living on chips or pizza rolls isn't the answer. This one I'm working on. Currently I've had a little spark in the kitchen and made a taco casserole and granola. I got a shit ton of fruits and vegetable and they are all cut and containered. I'm trying to grab a handful of something good more often and avoid bigger or heavier meals.
Some of the drain comes from age. There's a reason 65 was considered retirement age. Honestly, the brain is a little slower. It took me 4 tries to dial the phone yesterday because my brain was fuzzy and I just couldn't get the numbers right.
Anyway, I'm dressed for the gym right now but I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it. I'm thinking about packing a lunch and going to the park. I also want a nap.
I'm tired.
Today in the US it's Mother's Day and in Japan it's my daughter's birthday. This is quite a day for reflection and celebration.
When I became a mother and realized that Mother's Day and Mollie's birthday were always going to come at the same time, I chose to make Mother's Day unimportant. To me, I remember many birthday's being ruined as a child because my narcissist mother made it about her. I wanted it to be about Mollie. It was so important that she feel special.
But it was never quite that way. Mollie always celebrated Mother's Day and I've never had her make it less. And it's never taken away from her birthday because it just doesn't work that way. I guess when you're emotionally healthy you can make these choices.
Anyway, Mollie is 23 years old today. She has a party planned for next Saturday which is going to be amazing. She rented a "conference room" which has sitting areas and make-up tables. There will be cosplay, food and alcohol. Karaoke and games and pictures.
She's going through some challenges right now: she gave notice at work and is currently interviewing. It's going to be okay. And her getting out of a really toxic environment is so important.
Anyway, it's a special day. Being Mollie's mom has been the most joyful part of my life and still being her mom and sharing her life is wonderful and exciting. I celebrate her daily but on a joint celebration day like today I'm filled with happiness and gratitude.
Why? For God's sakes, why would another person do it? The CEO of Kellogg's tried and hurt his company. And now Haylee Baylee, a former model with 10 million TikTok followers went to the Met Gala dressed as a floral Marie Antoinette, said "let them eat cake" and became the last straw for a whole lot of pissed off Americans.
It was only a day after Kim Kardashian got solidly booed at the Netflix roast of Tom Brady. Not even a full year after Oprah and the Rock's missteps after the Lahaina fires. People are still furious with Elon Musk for destroying Twitter and our government for threatening to Musk TikTok and don't forget Diddy and Ashton and Mila and Lizzo and omg, JLo (who hasn't learned a thing).
So after the Kellogg's cereal killer said Let Them Eat Cereal and people agreed to eat anything but Kellogg's cereal (a boycott still taking place) what did anyone think was going to happen? In this instance: it's now Welcome to the Blocking Party.
The Met Gala was on Monday and today is Saturday and Kim Kardashian has lost 9 million followers. Taylor Swift, Beyonce, all of them... blocked. Mass blockings by the millions of ordinary Americans (who happen to be figuring out how to make their grocery money last longer when the prices have gone up and the content has gone down).
People are tired. When millionaires are replaced by billionaires. When the housing market is no longer a place where "regular Americans" can buy a home because Zillow has bought entire neighborhoods and are driving property values out of people's reach.
I can hear my brother's voice in my head saying "so what? What does blocking Ryan Gosling on social media do?"
It blocks their access to you. You, yes you, are what they need. They need to get in front of you to sell. They sell themselves. They sell their projects and their products. Selena Gomez can't sell Rare Beauty cosmetics if her customers have blocked access. How do you know about Ryan Gosling's new movie? How do you know that Lady Gaga is selling mascara? You know because they have open channels to tell you.
And the thing is: nobody is saying that blocking Ryan Gosling means you can't go see his new movie. Go see it. Enjoy it. Enjoy the art. Admire the artist's skill. But break this shit down. Taylor Swift writes songs I like. I buy her album. But she doesn't deserve nor has she earned a larger place in my life besides that.
As a society this is something we need to do anyway. We need to stop elevating people who haven't earned it. That whole Kardashian clan needs to go. Someone making a movie shouldn't hold higher esteem in this world than your child's teacher. Taylor Swift can date an entire football team if she wants to and we need to not care.
Celebrity culture is ridiculous. And honestly while our world is burning, we need to step up and start demanding that we are the ones with power and price. If you have $27 million in the bank, you can afford to help Palestinians who are being bombed out of their homes, who have no food, whose families are on the edge of extinction.
When Lizzo is called out for being at the $75,000 a ticket Met Gala and she responds by telling people to give money to a Go Fund Me, no baby. You pay off that Go Fund Me. Pay a few of them off. Stop asking other people to carry your load.
Geez, I could go on so much here. I have been a follower of so many celebrities so much of my life. I need to start unpacking some of that myself.
However, I unfollowed all the celebs I used to follow (but not my K-Pop boys. I know I should buy I just can't yet.) I was sad saying goodbye to Jack Black. But it's simply time to walk away.
Let them eat cake.
So today in my mailbox there were the 10,000 mailings from my insurance company (I swear to whatever, they send 3 mail pieces a week), my Protect Trans Kids t-shirt and a fake diamond ring from China.
I did not order a fake diamond ring. I did not pay for a fake diamond ring. I thought maybe Lea got me a fake diamond ring since we claim to be frouses (friend/spouse) but she said it was not from her. Now was it from Carolyn or Mollie.
Online search turned up ... a scam? Other people have received the same ring with the same information and the same reference number. It says it's a 1 carat moissanite ring and although the stone looks really good, the ring part is like a 2 dollar band.
So it's a scam of some sort. But it's a nice ring. What exactly is the scam?
It's Saturday morning and I'm trying to psych myself up into productivity. Which isn't really working because it's Saturday morning and I don't have to be productive. I can sit here and sip my iced coffee and let my mind wander.
What I do want to do today is go to a local gym and check it out. I'm feeling really disconnected from my physical self in a lot of ways. I've always been a sedentary person but at 65 it isn't exactly a good thing. In fact, interestingly, my appetite has decreased tremendously but I'm slowly gaining weight because of lack of movement.
I decided to try out a gym. I've gone previous times in my life and have had mixed results. My best experience was at a women's only gym and my worst was at a place that just had too many gym bros. I don't think I'm going to find a place around here that isn't full of men, but if there's a quieter time or a quieter corner... We'll see. That's what I'm looking for.
And I need to buy shoes. Murder vomited in my shoes that were old, old, old and it made no sense to keep them. But now I own one pair of flip-flops and one pair of crocs. That's um, not feasible.
Let's see: I finished Funny Story by Emily Henry which was really good. The heroine's fiancée left her for the hero's girlfriend and now the 2 of them are living together and pretending to be in love while falling in love. It has great humor, good back stories and a slow burn that sparks perfectly.
Anyway, not much to say/write. Hope to do a little cooking this weekend and laundry. Hope to get shoes.
Stay safe out there.
