New Year ... (resolution edition)

So let's discuss those pesky little New Year's resolutions that none of us do but some of us spend way too much time thinking about.

As previously mentioned, I'm trying my No Buy year. Obviously I'm being tested with the breakage of everything I own (a little hyperbole) but it's a good lesson. I need a coffee maker. I need a cane. Of course I'm buying those. But I don't need more fabric (which was so tempting) or another container or anything. And I'm trying to extend this to groceries also. 

I'm throwing away expired stuff and asking myself why did I buy it if I'm not using it? I go through phases with food and I need to learn to level it off. Especially at a time like now when I've been binge eating a lot recently. (Christmas is a terrible time for binge eaters. Everything comes mega size and there's so much out there. And I freaking love shortbread cookies.)

Anyway, I gained enough weight recently to feel uncomfortable and huff when I exert even a little. And the funny thing (that isn't funny) is right after I wrote that I started to write "I know what to do" but stopped because I obviously don't know what to do. I'm 65 years old and still going through this. I obviously don't know what to do that going to fit me and my brain. Any human can say "eat less and exercise" but unless you're a person with eating disorders and trauma and a blinding hatred of the diet industry and trying to fit the male gaze ... no, you don't know either. 

I know there's no simple solutions, especially after a lifetime of being a stranger in my body. But I think that there are some simple things that I do know:

I will never diet again in this lifetime.

I need to lose some weight.

I do believe both of those things can be accomplished together. It's a little tug of war. And I have a sweet tooth. And I hate exercise.

Can I find my answer? I hope so. It's not really a resolution but I think if I'm ever going to find a good compromise it's going to involve a lot more protein. Thank God I really like chicken, eggs and seafood.

I have a need to move more just because my knees are getting worse and they're not going to get better. A little less weight on them should cut some of the pain.

So my resolution is to be completely present in myself as I prepare food and eat. I have a goal not to buy sweets anymore but to bake for myself. I love baking, I love eating baked goods and it just feels like a better choice.

I'll probably do a bit of blogging about this. And speaking from experience, other people obsessing about their bodies is a fucking bore. So I apologize in advance.

Now a little story: I have a corner apartment and my apartment has a small walkway on the outside so maintenance can access the front of the building. When my cat Murder goes out at night she often gets on the walkway and I can't get here. She's done it twice before and someone rescued her for me. 

Tonight Murder was outside and got on the walkway and I didn't know what to do because I can't count on a stranger appearing. So I ended up taking the screen off a window and removing the window slats and making an opening. Which I'm delighted to say, worked. Murder jumped up and I grabbed her and got her inside and put the window back.

I feel like a superhero. I am THE CAT RESCUER.

I am mighty. (Mighty glad Murder is inside.)

Love y'all Stay safe. And stay off the roads tonight. Drunk drivers will be out.

Bits and Boobies

Was watching a Fashion Runway season on Netflix and there was a "contest" to make an outfit with certain parameters and one male fashion designer got angry about the women judges criticism saying that nobody understood feminism more than he did. I'm still gaping at his audacity.

**

On Threads I saw a post where a man (total stranger) said "Not wearing makeup is the most attractive thing a female can do. Confidence speaks volumes."

I replied: "Shutting up about women's choices is the most attractive thing a male can do. Silence speaks volumes." He deleted his post.

**

I asked my nail technician about tipping since I always add her tip to my card when I pay. "Do you get the entire amount?" I asked. She said she does not. Since I don't usually carry cash I now have her Venmo account so I can send her tips directly to her.

So glad I asked. I love my nails when she does them.

**

Mollie got the flu and turned into a 10 year old right before my eyes. She wanted me to stay on the phone with her while she was sleeping. It was a combination of sweet and sickeningly dependent. 

Of course when she's supposed to call me, she doesn't. I'm still waiting.

**

Was fighting depression on Christmas (not a big deal, I'm always fighting with depression) and then I pulled out my basket of thread and cast on 120 stitches. Felt better immediately.

**

My No Buy way of living got fucked when my coffee maker broke and I had no cutting mat or rotary cutters for my sewing. And then... my walking cane broke. This month wants to break me. (I got a better coffee maker and a mat and cutter. I'm not living without coffee. I still need to find a cane.)

The Voice in my Head

If my bully said the words

that circle my brain

I would crumble.

How do I show kindness

to the person I hate

most in this world?

The Dollar Dilemma

 

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

Okay, I wrote that and I was wrong. I didn't think I was at the moment but...  I watched some videos which really resonated with me. One was about doing a No Buy 2024 and the other was about Scarcity Mindset.

Scarcity Mindset is fascinating. Anyone who has ever had time without money has issues with having money. Scarcity doesn't lead you into smart money decisions. Scarcity mindset means that you're afraid of not having money to spend. So this happens:

Get Paid

Spend money that you have (because you have it & afraid you won't later)

Have no money because you spent it all

Anxiety

Get Paid (and do it all again)

So I decided to stop shopping. For the year of 2024 I'll not buy anything unnecessary. Also, groceries will be shopped differently. I'll buy things when they run out. And I'll use what I have. 

It's not a big deal and yet it's going to reset a big portion of my life. If I can finally break through my money anxiety my life will be so much better. And honestly, I don't need more things. The only purchases I might need would be a new fan when the weather heats and I need a decent vacuum at some point.

It will be most interesting to change my grocery shopping. Such as, I'm going to need garbage bags. But I probably have enough to go a month. So I was going to buy some so I don't run out but I had to stop myself. As long as I have I don't need more. 

I feel hopeful. I like healing and I feel that this will be a big year for healing for me. 

Love y'all. Stay safe.

Now That I'm an Old Lady

 I like to wear yellow. At home I wear pajama bottoms and tee shirts and when I go out I wear jewelry and color and I look like an old hippie and that's me.

I like bracelets and rings and earrings that dangle. I like pretty things and chunky things and things that look like nature.

I have acrylic on my nails and I see the same nail artist every 3 weeks and I told her that I like my nails to make me happy and she has agreed. And I am happy.

I like knowing the manipulations as they happen and not playing along. My boss has tried things that have worked in the past and in response I crack a joke and refuse to play and he is losing with me every time. 

I have very little guilt.

I like not liking my family. Oh that's a harder one but I'm learning it's okay. After so many years of feeling not good enough by my sister and her wife, I just don't care about them anymore. I have no desire to even try. And it doesn't have to be a scene or a big issue. I blocked my heart and I'm easing out. 

Never try to please people who dislike you. 

I am having parsnips for dinner tonight. Parsnips and carrots roasted with oil and salt and pepper. Because I just love roasted parsnips and carrots.

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

I love the feeling of my hair swishing over my back. I love being in my bed. I love weak coffee and baking and being a witch. I love having intention. I love anime and Studio Ghibli movies and shopping. I love decorating and dreaming ad petting my cats.

Age is amazing. I love getting old.

Happy Birthday, Asshole

 So since I moved out of my brother's house, our gift giving changed. We used to be big on gifts for all occasions and it was big fun. But then Mollie was gone and I was gone and my SIL went to Italy and my brother started planning trips and we decided to stop exchanging gifts. We'd use our money the way we want to and for them that's planning trips and for me... whatever.

Anyway, we started buying each other dinner for birthdays but this year got a little messed up and I didn't choose to drive up to their house for dinner so we didn't. Now my brother's birthday is on Dec. 10 and I asked him, would you like dinner or an REI gift card?

He chose the gift card.

So this year I am a little obsessed with Advent calendars. Everyone in my family has received one from me. And I thought it would be really fun to play with my brother and so I planned to send him a $10 gift card from REI on each day of December, leading up to his birthday ($90) and then on his birthday send him a $50 card. And each card would have a "funny" message...

Anyway, today was gift card #1 and he texted me and blew it up. Was ungrateful, stepped on the joke to prove he saw right through what I was doing and really killed the whole thing. Just murdered it. No point to it anymore.

And I'm pissed. He could have played along. Collected the gift cards, give a small chuckle and let it play out. But he squashed it. (I told him that men just don't have a sense of humor.)

Carolyn said send him a $25 gift card on his birthday and forget about it. I don't even want to bother. I'm mad. He had no reason to kill my gift like that except to prove something (I don't even know what he proved.) I think I shouldn't even bother. 

Advise please. What would you do?

Giving Thanks? Thanks That it's Done

 HerHandsMyHands

Check out Az's new blog post: Be the Helpers. She says it way better than I can, and I needed the nudge after Thanksgiving to reach out to someone outside my immediate family and help out a little.

It wasn't a bad holiday, by any means but my feelings are hurt, and as happens often with family, ignored. My sister did a family Thanksgiving text and left me off it. I thought we were in a good place. We're not. And after years of being hurt by this, I want to be done. Her wife dislikes me and that's all there is. So I'm done. No more trying. It isn't painful. We've been silent before. But this time has one difference: this time I know that I'm not missing out on anything. She is. 

Other hurt feeling was that my brother, when talking to another family member on a family phone call said his wife did the entire Thanksgiving meal by herself without the use of an oven (long story but she has a convection oven, pizza over, gas grill...). There were 6 dishes on our Thanksgiving table and I made three of them. After the phone call I said he made me sound like I had just watched tv while Myrna slaved on the meal and he went running. No acknowledgement, no apology.

I sound whiny. But it's those things that make you step back. and I'm stepping back. I did tell them that with Christmas being on a Monday and having to work on Tuesday, I'm not going to their house that day. Which I had decided earlier. Christmas, for me, is about Mollie. Without Mollie then it's about Carolyn. 

And Carolyn can't get on this blog anymore so she'll never read this. Here's the thing. Carolyn is my person. I grew up starry-eyed and romantical and thought some strapping lumberjack with a big dick would show up and be the one. But it's an older woman in Alabama who has been the most constant family I've ever known, would truly give me her last dime and will never have the understanding of why this weird little Jewish woman in Hawaii adores her so but there it is: Carolyn is my person and it's not romantic or sexual but will be the greatest love I've ever known

So every Christmas I try to do something for her that nobody else has ever done. It doesn't always score. But there are one or two she still mentions.

This Christmas for Carolyn: I made her a quilt 2 years ago that was never completed. It's completed... mostly. It got sent to a company to long-arm quilt it and then send it to Carolyn. She should receive it within the month. A lot of the fabric on the quilt is ocean/fish themed. She loves fish and aquariums. So I got her a fake aquarium with fake fish. Also, some hand crafted fish and a turtle that she can place on the bed or next to the aquarium. Or make into a mobile (her sister can do that).

I hope she loves it. I want her to have fish because she loves them. 

Sorry for the long whine. But now it's all off the chest and can be put away. We still have the rest of a long holiday weekend and there's turkey sandwiches and a fake tree to put up.

Love y'all. Women are awesome. Stay safe.

Merry and Bright

So it begins. The holiday hellscape of families, boundaries, politics, emotional manipulation...

Nah. Not this year. This year boundaries are in place and warnings have been sent ahead. I'm going to Honakaa today (Wednesday) and spending the night. Myrna and I plan to enjoy our kitchen time together. She cooks and I peel and cut and clean up behind her. We can talk about almost anything and everything and we'll have a wonderful time.

I wanted to go a day early so I can go into town and do some local shopping for gifts. 

The pics above are the wallpapers up in my apartment. We've finally got them all up and I'm delighted. The bedroom wallpaper especially. It's dark and bold and makes me feel witchy as fuck. I don't know why. It just brings a moodiness that I love. 

So Fox News has started its annual War on Woke Christmas and of course, Target is the target. They have a actual nutcracker (black or white) with a rainbow theme and then there's the $3 black Santa in a wheelchair ornament. How dare anybody try to make holidays inclusive!!! First our mermaids, now our $3 Santa ornaments.

Of course all they do is give Target publicity and people like me buy the shit because it's funny as fuck. Since I'm a Jewish witch, a wheelchair bound black Santa belongs on my tree. Along with the holiday dinosaurs and cats. I do like a little tradition.

Anyway, no matter what you celebrate, if you do celebrate, stay safe. Draw an invisible border around you with a thick, thick line. Don't be a good girl. We're done with that shit.

And if you're going to be around a right wing, Trump loving, antiwoke brother who you're discovering that maybe you really don't like very much after all, well... gonna make these holidays a little more interesting.

I love you ladies. Honestly and really. Stay safe. Don't let people steal your moments. 

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEA! You're my eternal fiancee with the big rack, weird words and heart as boundless as her love for Henry Cavill. You're really a strange one Lea, which is among the 2,034 reasons I love you.

 

What Do You Mean I Had an Abortion?

 Bet y'all didn't know I worked in an abortion clinic? It was shortly after I adopted Mollie and it was a temporary position that became permanent. I loved the doctor, she was a sweetheart and the women that worked there were truly awesome people.

What you didn't know, because I didn't know, is that I had an abortion. I didn't know that until today. Truly. 

I was flipping through videos on You Tube and Chrissy Teagan was in a video talking about Roe v Wade being overturned and she said something to her husband John Legend about how sad it was that women "they" would not be able to get the care they need and John corrected her and said "we". Pointing out, quite correctly, when they miscarried their pregnancy, the fetus did not pass naturally and they went to the hospital and had a D & C, aka, an abortion to remove the fetus.

When I miscarried my twins, the fetuses did not pass. When I started bleeding, I gushed blood and yet nothing passed from my body. We wrapped towels and placed them between my legs and I bled through them.

My mom and I went to the ER and they said I needed to be admitted. I refused, I demanded they do what needed to be done that minute. I was terrified, nobody should lose as much blood as I was.

I had a D & C in the ER without anesthesia. It hurt like fuck but the fetal tissue was removed and I was no longer pregnant.

Until today, I just thought I had a miscarriage. But it wasn't just... I had an abortion because the fetal tissue wouldn't pass naturally. Without the D & C, I can't imagine what would have happened.

Until today I never realized that I dd, in fact, have an abortion. I am a little bit in shock right now. 26 years ago I had an abortion and didn't even realize it. Didn't realize that without that procedure I might have been in a lot of danger from just a little bit of unviable tissue that wouldn't detach.

Love y'all. Stay safe. Keep fighting for women.

Give me 2 Oxy and a Margarita, please

This has been a very painful week. 

Last week Thursday I got 3 teeth extracted by Sweeney Todd, the Demon Dentist of Kinoole Street. The experience was horrific in every way: waiting an hour, having them all walk out before the first tooth was even complete to see another patient, having to be numbed twice and I swear he did something to my sinuses and horrific pain for a week following.

Now the mouth pain is finally starting to ease and my sinuses have gone crazy. I have hacked up enough mucus to create my own slime monster. And when I say hacked up: I mean, I don't cough it out or blow it out my nose. I vomit. Hunched over the sink or toilet gagging out stream after steam of phlegm. It's disgusting.

I've wasted over $50 on medication so far, trying to dry up the phlegm stream but instead worsening it. 

On a positive note however: my daughter asked me for a love spell. I am creating my ingredients now. I have everything I need but I need to change the form of some of it. Do I think it will be successful? Hell, no. A spell won't make someone love you. Nor should it. But my hope (my intention) is that there is probably someone in her friend group who already has those feelings for her. They're a group of baby lesbians who are all inexperienced. I hope to hell that maybe there's a connection there and some intention shining that way will help illuminate that.

I'm taking this spell very seriously. I'm a skeptic so my own mind isn't 100% believing that this anything more than play. But it's so interesting to figure out which herbs or dried flowers will add what, which fragrance or oil will layer on, what color candle to use? 

So my plan: to write Mollie's name on a bay leaf and the name of her "intended" on another. Burn a red candle. Speak my intention for Mollie to discover a passion with another who feels a passion toward her. Drip the candle wax on the two leaves and seal them.

In a small glass jar I'll put black salt (sea salt mixed with ashes, black pepper) in the bottom. Crushed rose petals. Rose oil. Rose quartz. Probably some lavender. Add the bay leaves. Seal the jar with the candle wax. Send it to Mollie.

But first a nap. Right now I'm burning Dragon's Blood incense to create ashes. Smells great.

Love y'all. Stay safe. It's a man's world which bodes ill for women.

Bits and Bobs

 Just a few random thoughts right now...

I got my witchcraft kit. Yes, I bought a kit. It has candles, herbs, crystals and other stuff. Do I need it? Probably not. But it's going to be a nice way to begin my journey on this spiritual path. I have been doing some reading and video watching and realized very clearly that following others is not the way for me.

Witchcraft, like religion or politics or anything that involves your morality as well as emotions, cannot be dictated by someone else. I know what I want to do. This isn't a blind game for me. Quite the opposite actually: I'm a 65 year old woman who has lived a lifetime of rage, sorrow and love. I knw exactly what I'm doing.

Taylor Swift.

Yes, we are all too evolved for celebrity gossip and shenanigans. Quite frankly, there's a greater backlash against celebrities nowadays since the Oprah/Rock fiasco. And it's about time. Let's abolish pedestals. Admire the work but be wary of the person. They truly, are only human.

I like Taylor. Certainly not a Swiftie but I have a few of her albums and I appreciate how she has spoken out about the sexism she's faced and the cruelty of men in the business. She calls them out by name and I admire that. I also like that she's been upfront about her own faults and shortcomings.

So the romance with the football player is enjoyable. I doubt they're the love story of the century but it's sweet. And I like him. I like that he openly said he was going to shoot his shot and it didn't happen so he tried again and got her interest. I like his openness and that he acknowledges that she's the bigger deal and he doesn't care. This guy has an ego that's perfectly sized.

Wallpaper

I got my kitchen wallpaper which I meant to put up this weekend and instead I became an energy mess. Seriously: on Friday my energy went haywire and I broke my printer and somehow lost my computer access and I was bouncing off walls. 

I slept all day and all night on Saturday. Today is Sunday and I'm doing better (got a casserole in the oven and I made brownies) and my mind is on a straighter path. But I was so frenetic on Friday that I'm convinced I somehow made everything go crazy.

More Wallpaper

The bedroom wallpaper should be here in about 2 weeks. I have Norman set up to install it (Norman is the apartment maintenance manager and I tip him generously and he helps me out with home projects). 

Nanowrimo

God, forgive me. I'm doing it.

But I'm co-writing with Lea so I'm thinking it will actually happen.

Good Omens 2

David Tennant kissed Michael Sheen and my world exploded momentarily.

While we're on the subject: Charlie's Angels with Kristen Stewart. Terrible movie but she shines in it and I'm gay everytime I watch it.

Jujitsu Kaisen: Just fuck me. If it gets any better I'll pay the $500 for the Nanami penis statue.

Love y'all. Vote blue. 

The End of My K-Pop Era

It's unfortunately official: my K-Pop era is ended. This is not a small thing for me and I'm handling a soft grief. But Korea has a mandatory 2 year military service requirement of all its men and my men are all gone.

There are many great K-Pop groups and many that are worth following and enjoying. But for me there was Monsta X. Mollie introduced me to them her senior year in high school and they made the transition from Mom to Mollie to empty nester a little more doable. Joohoney's solo album, PSYCHE, with it's manic rap, tear filled Stormy and jazzy love songs... came out during the pandemic and it's what describes the pandemic to me.

I loved these guys. They were young enough to be my grandsons, sexy enough to wake my libido and honestly nice enough to not be embarrassing. There was almost no toxic masculinity in these men, such a fabulous change from American men. I think about Justin Bieber and his pissing in buckets and disrespecting his fans and being a general dick and then you have these men who respect their elders, respect their fans and respect each other.

Shownu joined the military first but he left  others to keep going. And no slight to Shownu, but the albums released during the two years he was gone were amazing. The Dreaming was fantastic. Their American tour (post pandemic) was killer. 

Right when Shownu came back, Minhyuk left. Like immediately. (On a side note: there's been some photos of Minhyuk recently and he put on some weight and muscle and that beautiful boy has become a dropdead gorgeous Daddy.) Thought we'd have a moment to catch our breath: Shownu came and Minhyuk left. But then Joohoney announced he was going. And I started to feel so sad. (Honey is so special. My maternal side went into overdrive.) But it felt like only  seconds later that Kihyun was shaving his head and leaving too.)

So Shownu and Hyungwon released a mini album together and did a few stages. IM released a solo album (although I love IM, I don't care for his solo stuff. He's too emo teenager for my taste.)

And now Hyungwon announced he's joining the military in 3 weeks. He sounds happy and confident about it, and since 3 of his bandmates are already there then he feels more ready to go. And I am truly happy for him. He said he has no more fear about going so he'll do his two years.

I won't keep up anymore with them. Not really. They got me through a really hard time and I love them so much and will always be grateful. But they have their duty and my journey is not one of waiting.

Dear men of Monsta X: I love you. Whole heartedly, honestly, and deeply. You helped my heart when my heart was breaking. My loneliness wasn't as extreme because your music and your videos and online content kept me engaged and happy. Stay safe. Serve well. Come back to your Monbebe and find your happiness and loves.

I love you all so much.

How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis

Y'all know I don't really do book reviews but I have to talk about this book. How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It's about keeping house. While drowning. Drowning, of course, being overwhelmed, depressed, sad, tired, ADHD, in pain... you know, alive. 

It is the best self-help book I've ever read. (Taking the place of Primal Scream.)

All my life, I've had someone telling me that I do everything wrong. Sometimes the someone is me but from childhood, I had constant criticism about a lot. And as an adult, the negativity was so strong... I remember losing a job and sobbing my guts out later asking the universe why I was such a failure as a human being. 

I'm not that woman anymore (thank heavens) but I still have those moments when I don't have the energy or ability to sweep the floor or make a meal and I feel like I'm failing adulthood again.

This is the book to end that question.

KC Davis starts by reminding us that cleaning house or doing dishes does not have a moral equivalency. You are neither a good person or bad person when having dirty dishes in the sink. You're not a failed adult if the laundry is in a pile on the floor. For a myriad of reasons, sometimes we just can't. And we need to not judge ourselves because there's no good or bad.

We are not here to serve our house, she says. Our house is here to serve us. To put a roof over our heads, give us a safe space and to house us. 

The book was even created for people with ADHD to read: short chapters, clear points and simple explanations. I personally do not have ADHD but I do have trauma brain and I appreciated the simplicity of the reading. It allowed me to catch the point quickly and savor the moment then move on.

She also gives some helpful hints for those who are drowning. If you have only the ability to get the dirty dishes in the kitchen and off the floor, that's perfect. If the laundry is piled up then have a clean pile and pick from there. Most of us don't give a damn about wrinkled clothes.

She even has suggestions for how to cope when showering or brushing your teeth is too overwhelming.

This book is brilliant. And even if you don't need it, which you may not, if you get the chance to read it: do. Anything that helps remove moral equivalency from daily living is an upvote from me.

Love y'all. Stay safe.

Witchy Season

 

This might be a slightly strange post so forgive me.

A few months back I found Witch Tok on TikTok and found it to be interesting, silly, banal, intriguing and very feminist. There's something in the practice of witchcraft that's appealing in 2 ways for me:

1. It's truly a female craft and 

2. it's a craft. As much as sewing or knitting or writing a poem.

I told Carolyn "I'm going to become a witch" and she said something along the lines of "uhhuh" since a week earlier I was running away to join the circus. After almost 20 years she knows my mind better than most.

And she was right. I moved on and looked at other things and life kept life-ing and all was fine. But turning 65, officially a crone, and I'm returning to the wish of witching. Not in a desire to curse my enemies or do "spells" as much as reclaiming something that has been lacking in my life: spirituality or the connection to the universe without the all powerful Sky Daddy.

I jokingly said that I want to learn how to use make-up so I can shape shift (but it wasn't a joke at all) (I want more faces), so I want to welcome something spiritual in my life. 

So today I made a simmer pot. Citrus fruits, rose petals, cinnamon sticks and cloves and a low simmer. Stir counter clockwise. My apartment smells heavenly. Did I chant a spell. No, I sent words of love to my daughter. I reached inside myself and sent out love.

I intend to learn more. I have no clue what is out there or what will resonate. It's like the candles I found today at TJ Maxx. The minute I saw them I knew I had my spell bowls. I'm trusting that between me and the universe, I'll find what I need.

**Addendum: at 1:30 am my daughter woke me because she had put her name in a lottery for a concert ticket and a meet with her #1 K-Pop group (this will be her third concert). She called me to tell me she won and will meet her crush of so many years. It was wild exciting for her. A dream come true.

Did I help that happen? I think maybe. I want to think maybe. 

We'll see. 

Love to you all. Stay safe.

Meet Wednesday Addams

 

A little less than a year ago, Mollie came for Christmas. We discussed getting a kitten, a cat so Murder would have a sibling. Someone sweet, someone playful. We got Wednesday Addams instead.

Wednesday came from the cat rescue. She was 5 months old when we got her. She was sweet and calm we were told. A quiet kitten. Perfect for Murder and I.

Wednesday is a monster. She destroys everything in her path and her path veers everywhere. She bites when she wants attention, she bites when she's stimulated, she bites when she's bored, she bites when the wind blows, when the birds sing and whenever the fuck she feels like biting. And not nips. This girl draws blood.

She tolerates three seconds of petting and then wants three hours of tail spanks. She really likes me looking at her ass.

Anyway, she's the bane of my existence, the thorn on my rose, the bitters in my beverage. Love her to death.

Love you all too. Stay safe.

Girl Math/Boy Math

A lot of men out there seriously hate women. And "not all men" to be sure, but enough that it's starting to slide into it's own pandemic. And with feminine rage slowly growing it's starting to become a real battlefield.

Why isn't feminine rage man hating? Because women actually don't hate men. We hate the system. The patriarchy. The politics. Capitalism and fundamental Christianity. We hate "a women's place is in the home" and the barefoot and pregnant trope. We hate being called gold diggers if we expect a man to pay for a date he asked us on and then called "mid" and fat and a spinster in waiting if we refuse that same man access to our body.

We have had our worth measured in pounds. Our attractiveness held up to professional models and actresses and women who have honestly had a rib removed to achieve a motherfucking tiny waist.

We are talked over. We are groped by a stranger walking down the street.

And when we seek community online whether we share our experiences (Me Too) or just have fun (Girl Math) then men come into our spaces to belittle us, doubt us and try to force us to our knees. 

And women have finally started shooting back. Ergo: boy math. 

Girl Math: Finding a dress you love at 50 percent off so you buy 2 and that means you got 1 free.

Boy Math: Wanting to get laid and not have babies but not buying condoms.

Boy Math: Complaining about gold digging women while living in your mother's basement.

The men are pissed and the women are laughing. 

Men hate when women laugh at them. Women hate when men bully, silence and murder us. But it's not going to keep us quiet anymore.

And by the way. I'm  65 and never been married. I live alone in my brightly decorated apartment with 2 cats, a fuck ton of books and fresh baked cookies. I have a daughter who on my birthday posted for the world to see "my best friend" when referring to me and I am still crying. This isn't punishment, Sir, this is reward for a hard lived life.

65 and Celebrating

It's my birthday. Yay.

It's been a wonderful day. I haven't done much of anything except enjoy being alive. And talking to the world (or so it feels). But I'm so happy. 

Happy because this year I decided to celebrate myself. I didn't wait in the hopes of someone else making me feel worthwhile because I felt it. I felt like I was living a Miley Cyrus song. I bought myself flowers and champagne. Got my favorite meal. 

And people did spoil me today. Admittedly, I loved every minute of it. Last year wasn't so happy because I expected and hoped others would deliver happiness. This year others enhanced my happiness.

And of the men in my life: my boss was the first one to call and celebrate me. The other men disappointed in big ways. But...

I realized today that expecting something from someone who has really shown that they are okay with disappointing you is a "me problem". They're not going to change. My expectations need to. Or perhaps they have because my day wasn't spoiled by their negligence. It was noted and will be remembered. And our relationships will change because they have less to offer than I'm willing to make the effort to accept.

Isn't that what boundaries really are? It's not expecting others to change. It's changing yourself to ease their toxicity from you and your life. 

Anyway, I'm starting to get a little drunk. So I'm going to get a little more drunk and watch a movie and maybe take a bath or maybe just go to sleep. I'm planning on letting today be guidance for how the rest of my life goes. Celebrate yourself. Celebrate those you love. Keep questionable people an arm's length away. And toxic people removed as far as you can.

We are all worth fresh flowers and champagne. Do it a lot more often than just birthdays.

The Great Depression

No, this isn't about America's past but rather America's present. It's why social media is important and why we need to make changes if we want to survive.

I'm depressed. And I'm not alone. Go on social media and look around. Check out the people who don't have huge followings, who are in their late 20s and 30s. Listen. They're depressed too.

Look at the numbers. The women choosing to no longer marry. The women choosing to not have children. 

Take a look at the Republican party who has declared war on women and on Americans who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Look at how they turn their backs on the school shootings, on the cis het male groomers and abusers. Watch them talk about God on the pulpit and abuse children in the silence.

Those children are depressed.

The video of the father who discovered his 11 year old daughter was being groomed by an adult man and had naked pictures of her. He went to the police. The police threatened to arrest the 11 year old girl for distributing pornography.

ACAB.

We're depressed. We're lying in bed wondering why should we bother when you never get ahead? Society is failing. We are only as strong as our weakest member and she's being threatened by the police for being abused.

Look at what we could be. The fluidity of gender, the destruction of a binary that makes no sense. Oh how I wish I was young. To find a partner who is Enby (NB) and live without the roles that have never worked. To love someone for who and not what because what is the thing that kills us.

We could redistribute wealth. Solve childhood hunger. Take guns out of our everyday lives. Hunters should be able to legally hunt. Children should never be shot in a school. Can you imagine the generational trauma this group is going to have?

I'm so fucking depressed. I miss my daughter so much but feel like the only path to happiness is to be in any other country but ours. 

We are choosing to destroy our future generations. It's so depressing.

Love you all. Buy blankets. Soft blankets. Make a fort and hide. Stay safe.

Beauty filters, food, mole living

It's a beauty filter. Clears your skin, enhances your eyes. 

I believed I was unattractive my entire life. I was passable. Never pretty, never feminine, never good enough. I'm 65 fucking years old and I think I'm gorgeous.

I am sooooooooo not interested in cooking right now or doing things. I just want to look at filtered pictures of myself and pet my cats. Oh well. I think I'll try to fix my sewing machine and at least get my pants hemmed. 

I want to stay in bed and live in the darkness like a mole. Can that become a thing, please? And would someone bring me some soup, a toasted sandwich and tickle my feet please?

Love you all. Avoid the sunlight. It's bad for your skin. Meet you in the mole world.

What the Hell Happened?

 I can't even explain what happened to this week. Monday I quit my job and got fired and fought with my boss. Tuesday I got my job back and the boss apologized. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday then entire computer system has been down.

I'm not even going to try to get into it all. It was too much and my poor brain isn't processing any of it very well.

So I went to TJ Maxx yesterday. I needed some retail therapy. I was hoping to get pumpkin soup bowls and skin care and some cheap makeup. I've decided to start shape shifting now in my later years so I need to learn makeup. A craft is a craft.

Anyway, there were sadly no pumpkin bowls. There was an amber glass coffee mug which I got and acrylic stand cat bowls so those were excellent. And a little make up but more skin care. 

A few years ago I got really into skin care and saw a huge difference i my skin after using it. My skin brightened and truly glowed. It was so pretty. But I slowly stopped taking that kind of care of myself. And now I want to. Nobody else can love and take care of me the way I will. Also I realize that the best therapy for me right now is going to be somatic therapy and I've decided to start that myself with touch and care of my skin and body.

Anyway, I have a pomegranate face mask on right now and my skin is tingling and it makes me want to giggle. I made BLTs to eat and have a lot of leftover. I discovered I like sleeping with a sleep make on. And my sewing machine isn't working and I need to hem some pants.

I'm desperately unhappy right now but I'm also okay. I think it's a common fucked up state that Americans have been living with the last 6 or 7 years. Our lives aren't making a lot of sense and we're barely getting by. We stay on social media to find others screaming the same words into the void so at least we know it isn't just us.

We eke out any semblance of good feelings we can to battle the fact that all we want to do is lay in bed and never move again.

Yeah. Maybe not doing so good after all.

Love you all. Stay safe.

Why Are Biden's Poll Numbers So Bad? 

The above is a link to Aztec Lady's blog and her post which is fucking brilliant. I realize there's a good chance that Az is the only person who reads this blog (I sent the link directly to Carolyn) but she just rocked my world by putting everything I believe its a brilliant piece of writing.

And I have a million thoughts myself but I can't articulate them as well as Az and I don't want to try today since it's Sunday and all I have to do today is clean my rug, take my garbage out and bake lemon cookies to use up the last of my lemons. I might even try making an alcoholic beverage later because of have Grapefruit seltzer and tequila. 

So instead I'm going to talk about my one year goal of being able to walk. I have been steadily losing mobility because my knees are cartilage free and bone on bone fucking hurts. I can't get surgery because I weigh too much. I can't exercise because it fucking hurts.

So today I found a plan. Not a solution... a plan. And it's PT. Physical therapy. I'll call my doctor tomorrow and ask for a referral. 

The idea is to realize the knees are a write-off but the rest of the legs can be strengthened to  take some of the work. I won't try to explain since I don't have the words for it but it's a workable solution to a huge problem in my life.

I was gifted a round trip ticket to Japan to visit my daughter. Last night Mollie and I were on the phone planning our trip and I realized I really want to do this. Not just seeing Mollie but going to the Ghibli museum (I fucking love Studio Ghibli) and seeing Korea town (KPop merch and Korean skin care heaven). I want to eat ramen every day and take the train and just experience Japan for my interests.

So anyway, we have a year. I am going in September 2024. I need to be mobile. And I'm going to. Ghibli, Kpop and stationary await me. And ramen. I'm going to be terrifying with ramen. I told Mollie to imagine she's hanging with Naruto (if you get it, you get it).

Love y'all. Read Az's post. Stay safe.

Toxic Things I've Heard

#1: Said by my brother and a friend "Sometimes I feel like the smartest person in the room."

You aren't. Guaranteed. And it really bothers me to hear that because the delusion is strong.

#2: Said by my mother and it made me aware that she was a narcissist   "When I die, I wonder if the world will cease existing also."

Um, no. Only you will stop existing.

#3: Said by my father "There are only 2 types of people: winners and losers."

Obviously he believed himself a winner and everyone else a loser. But anybody who states there are only 2 types of people in the world isn't paying attention to all the people in the world.

#4: Anyone who has said "We need to have a come to Jesus meeting."

I'm never coming to Jesus. Also, when someone says that it just means that they want to rake you over the coals and pretend it's more than them being a bully. Jesus wasn't a bully. You are a bully. Get it straight.

#5: "All (fill in the blanks) are the same."

Get this a lot when people talk politics. Now my brother will do this. Both sides are the same. All politicians suck. And it's a way to get around saying that someone in the party you support is problematic. Naw, not just Republicans because Democrats too. Well excuse me sir, but as correct as you are that both sides are problematic, only one side is evil and it ain't the one that starts with a D.

#6: "Have a blessed day."

Hope you have the day you deserve.

#7: "Your problem is..."

No sir, no thank you. Right now my problem is you thinking you know anything about my problems. Go sit in the corner and hush.

And recently, I've been getting a lot of advice from a lot of different people as to how I should improve my health. I'm going to say this once and then shut you down forever on... I will never diet again in my lifetime. I will not cut carbs, avoid sugar or avoid fast food. I eat quite well, thank you very much, and probably have more salad than you would ever dream. But if you think I'm not baking Tollhouse cookies or eating Chicken Nuggets and fries when I have the urge then you are cray to the cray.

And as far as getting up and moving: yeah, I know. You ain't got nothing to share, Thank you now shut up.

Love y'all and stay safe.

Retirement

 Do y'all remember when we were growing up, back in the day, when life seemed to be laid out in the most simplistic of terms?

• Get married youngish.
• Have babies.
• Work if you must.
• Buy a home.
• Retire at 65.
• Die.

I swear, it all seemed pretty simple. Except that the world doesn't work for us all that way and some of us are on different time lines altogether.

I'm 65 this month. Medicare started, my social security is available and I'm old. Before you tell me that 65 isn't old, let me point out that my knees are bone on bone, I have painful arthritis i my right foot, carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist, losing teeth and I have to admit to it: cognitive decline.

I am not suffering from dementia or anything like that. It's a completely age related slowing down. I take more time to think, I speak more carefully and my work is slower and sometimes I have to double or triple check because I'm missing some simple things. 

I'm ready to retire but I can't afford it.

Which brings me to social security. It's money that has been put aside throughout your working life for you to retire on. But here's the rub: if you were a lower paid employee, if you changed jobs and had periods of unemployment, it affected how much money is available to you.

If I get my social security now, I would get $1600. (and some change).

If I wait till May 2025 when I'm 66 and 8 months, I would get $1870. (+change).

If I wait to age 70, I get over $2400.

It's not huge amounts of money. And I live in Hawaii where things are brought in by boat and tend to be a bit expensive. (Oh how I miss grocery shopping in Seattle).

Also... I need to mention that I've had to face that my abilities to continue working full time are proving to be onerous and so I'm cutting down to a 4 day work week. And I am not allowed to work over 8 hours a day. Which means I'm losing about $440. per paycheck. 

So here is the question: do I tighten my belt and keep going with the lesser amount? Or do I claim my social security now while still working and (because I'm losing over $800 a month) and use that to support me and put all extra into savings? The thing is that I do have a backup plan (kinda) for when I retire but it's all so fucking complicated.

We spend our lives working for wages for the sole purpose of getting older and being even poorer. Make it make sense.

Love you all. Stay safe.

The Kitchen Esthetic

 

The kitchen is the heart of the home. 

I just typed those words because I wanted to talk about my kitchen but the minute I saw those words my brain exploded. What a crazy, patriarchal, sexist phrase that is. I mean, we hear those words and we agree. We're in our kitchen a lot. We have happy memories of baking cookies with Mom, teaching our daughters how to knead bread, holidays with the women all buzzing around and talking while preparing food.

What does this all have in common? Women in the kitchen. Women doing the physical labor of providing for their family. Women doing for the family and teaching their daughters to carry on the tradition.

So we romanticize the kitchen. It's the heart of the home. The heart of the home is the dungeon where we make our grocery lists, put food away, plan meals that everyone will eat and have to answer the the most dreaded three words in the world: What's For Dinner?

It's where you're supposed to find the woman of the house. It's where day after day women who are tired, brain fried, just wanting a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine before bed but the husband expects a three course gourmet dinner (saw this on a dating show btw: he asked what's for dinner and she said she doesn't make dinner, she eats popcorn cause she doesn't have the band width to cook after a day at work and he was pissed about it and complained a few times but interestingly, he never got his ass in the kitchen to cook)

Holy shit. This is a floodgate of thoughts. My Mom hated cooking and she was no good at it. We laugh about it now but how miserable she must have been to deal with that consistently. And my sister in law Myrna who is an excellent cook but now that it's just her and my brother alone in the house has sandwich dinners and frozen pizza because she's done.

And we still try to hustle women into the kitchen: it's the heart of the home after all and the woman's responsibility to keep that heart still beating. 

There's a lot to unpack there. We're going to talk about this more. Wow.

Love y'all. Stay safe.

My September First Epiphany

Last night I made mac and cheese for dinner. My milk was still good and my Mac and cheese is pretty okay but too dry when baked so I boiled noodles, made a cheese sauce and didn't bake it. It was okay. Definitely needed more seasoning but pretty okay. 

I ate while watching tv. At a certain point I thought "I'm done. Feel good." I wasn't stuffed, was just finished. There was still some mac and cheese sitting there. I thought maybe I could eat more while watching. No, I told myself, my body says it's finished eating. I can save the rest and have it with dinner tomorrow night.

While I was thinking all of this, I had picked up the fork and eaten two more bites. Two bites I didn't enjoy, 2 bites more than I wanted. 

I was done. I took the bowl to the kitchen and put the rest in some Tupperware and then did the dishes. Done.

Went back to my show. I was drinking a bottle of Diet Coke. I drank more. "I'm done," I thought. I didn't want any more of the soda. "But there isn't a lot less" I told myself. "I can finish this off." 

I subliminally smacked myself and put the top on the soda and put it in the fridge. 

I realized last night that I don't know how to stop eating. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But it isn't. When food took the place of love and comfort, and it became refuge and safety as you aged, the ability to stop eating because you don't need more is really hard.

What is enough? For me it's either been eating until I'm uncomfortably full  or eating till it's all gone. Eating because I'm done eating is a new experience.

So then today I went to the post office to send a box to Mollie. It's full of broccoli cheese rice and creamy pasta boxes as well as some of her DVDs and a few personal things from her mama. It cost $120 to send. I was expecting $75. I was gobsmacked. I was upset.

When I left the post office I wanted to go to McDonalds. Sudden hard craving. Realized that I was upset because of the PO price and I wanted to blunt the emotion with hot, salty, greasy food. I came home and made coffee. Was happy to understand what and why.

Anyway, I'm starting a journey with my body. Learning to take good care of me. Nourishing myself with food, with touch, with selfcare. I'm going to be writing about it here because I want to write it. 

I'm really hungry right now. I'm going to make a salad with tuna and eggs. I'm going to take a nap. 

Love y'all.