My September First Epiphany

Last night I made mac and cheese for dinner. My milk was still good and my Mac and cheese is pretty okay but too dry when baked so I boiled noodles, made a cheese sauce and didn't bake it. It was okay. Definitely needed more seasoning but pretty okay. 

I ate while watching tv. At a certain point I thought "I'm done. Feel good." I wasn't stuffed, was just finished. There was still some mac and cheese sitting there. I thought maybe I could eat more while watching. No, I told myself, my body says it's finished eating. I can save the rest and have it with dinner tomorrow night.

While I was thinking all of this, I had picked up the fork and eaten two more bites. Two bites I didn't enjoy, 2 bites more than I wanted. 

I was done. I took the bowl to the kitchen and put the rest in some Tupperware and then did the dishes. Done.

Went back to my show. I was drinking a bottle of Diet Coke. I drank more. "I'm done," I thought. I didn't want any more of the soda. "But there isn't a lot less" I told myself. "I can finish this off." 

I subliminally smacked myself and put the top on the soda and put it in the fridge. 

I realized last night that I don't know how to stop eating. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But it isn't. When food took the place of love and comfort, and it became refuge and safety as you aged, the ability to stop eating because you don't need more is really hard.

What is enough? For me it's either been eating until I'm uncomfortably full  or eating till it's all gone. Eating because I'm done eating is a new experience.

So then today I went to the post office to send a box to Mollie. It's full of broccoli cheese rice and creamy pasta boxes as well as some of her DVDs and a few personal things from her mama. It cost $120 to send. I was expecting $75. I was gobsmacked. I was upset.

When I left the post office I wanted to go to McDonalds. Sudden hard craving. Realized that I was upset because of the PO price and I wanted to blunt the emotion with hot, salty, greasy food. I came home and made coffee. Was happy to understand what and why.

Anyway, I'm starting a journey with my body. Learning to take good care of me. Nourishing myself with food, with touch, with selfcare. I'm going to be writing about it here because I want to write it. 

I'm really hungry right now. I'm going to make a salad with tuna and eggs. I'm going to take a nap. 

Love y'all.