Carolyn's January Books

So, I appear to have pre-ordered more books for January 2020 than I realized. And about a month ago, I pruned my pre-orders so Lord only knows what it looked like before!

More than half the fun of pre-ordering is having a book pop into your Kindle with a "Surprise, surprise!" It's a good feeling and usually they're good reads (IMO). 

Anyway, here goes.


1.  Title: Wedding at the Riverview Inn
     Author: Molly O'Keefe
     Publisher: self published (I think)
     Releases: January 6, 2020
     Price: $3.99

An emotional tale of a magical inn, a wedding gone terribly wrong and a woman searching for a second chance.

Alice has hit rock bottom. Once a Michelin-starred chef, she is now drowning in debt, working the line at a chain restaurant and drinking too much. The last person she ever expected to come knocking with a job offer and a fresh start is her ex-husband, Gabe.

Gabe built The Riverview Inn with his dad and brother. Now, the grand lodge in the Catskill Mountains is nearly ready for the opening event—a society wedding for 500 guests.

The only thing missing is a chef. That’s where Alice comes in.

The deal Gabe offers Alice is too good to pass up: help him get through this wedding and he’ll get her out of debt.

But nothing is simple at The Riverview and soon she’s dealing with a bridezilla, pink swans, a series of mysterious letters and a teenage delinquent. Through it all, one thing is clear—her feelings for Gabe burn as bright as they always have.

When the wedding is over, will Alice walk away for good? Or will The Riverview work its magic on Alice and Gabe?

I love just about anything Molly O'Keefe writes. I am more comfortable with this particular pen name but M. O'Keefe writes keepers too and I just skim what I don't want.


2.  Title: A Fake Girlfriend for Chinese New Year
     Author: Jackie Lau
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 7, 2020
     Price: $2.99

After his family’s matchmaking extravaganza at Thanksgiving, high school teacher Zach Wong is terrified of what his parents might do for Chinese New Year. Surely they’ll try to set him up yet again, especially now that his older brothers are in relationships. Zach, however, has no interest in dating, not since his fiancée left him.

The solution? Find a fake girlfriend to avoid his parents’ matchmaking.

Jo MacGregor, the town dentist, is the obvious choice. They both live in Mosquito Bay and have been friends for years, ever since they bonded over broken engagements. A few kisses and dates around town, and everyone will believe they’re in a relationship. No problem.

Except their fake relationship is starting to feel more and more real…

I don't think I've read this author before, so this is a nice price point to check her out.


3.  Title: Sweep with Me
     Author: Ilona Andrews
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 14,2020
     Price: $3.99

There’s no place like home for the holidays…especially at Innkeeper Dina DeMille’s bed and breakfast, which welcomes guests who are literally out of this world!

That's not much of a blurb, but those familiar with the Andrews and this particular series, know they'll get a rip roaring story.The holiday is not an earthly one and so - anything goes!


4.  Title: Strange Love: An Alien Abduction Romance 
     Author: Ann Aguirre
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 15, 2020
     Price: $2.99

 He's awkward. He's adorable. He's alien as hell.
Zylar of Kith B'alak is a four-time loser in the annual Choosing. If he fails to find a nest guardian this time, he'll lose his chance to have a mate for all time. Desperation drives him to try a matching service but due to a freak solar flare and a severely malfunctioning ship AI, things go way off course. This 'human being' is not the Tiralan match he was looking for.

She's frazzled. She's fierce. She's from St. Louis.
Beryl Bowman's mother always said she'd never get married. She should have added a rider about the husband being human. Who would have ever thought that working at the Sunshine Angel daycare center would offer such interstellar prestige? She doesn't know what the hell's going on, but a new life awaits on Barath Colony, where she can have any alien bachelor she wants.

They agree to join the Choosing together, but love is about to get seriously strange.

Ann has been putting two chapters monthly in her newsletter, so I'm able to tell you this story is a hoot. Not terribly deep but with likeable characters, no tentacles and lots of laughs (especially the dog!). I can definitely recommend it and I do. Lol.


5.  Title: Headliners
     Author: Lucy Parker
     Publisher: Carina Press
     Releases: January 20, 2022
     Price: $4.99 (ebook)

He might be the sexiest man in London, according to his fan site (which he definitely writes himself), but he’s also the most arrogant man she’s ever met.

She might have the longest legs he’s ever seen, but she also has the sharpest tongue.

For years, rival TV presenters Sabrina Carlton and Nick Davenport have traded barbs on their respective shows. The public can’t get enough of their feud, but after Nick airs Sabrina’s family scandals to all of Britain, the gloves are off. They can barely be in the same room together—but these longtime enemies are about to become the unlikeliest of cohosts.

With their reputations on the rocks, Sabrina and Nick have one last chance to save their careers. If they can resurrect a sinking morning show, they’ll still have a future in television. But with ratings at an all-time low and a Christmas Eve deadline to win back the nation’s favor, the clock is ticking—and someone on their staff doesn’t want them to succeed.

Small mishaps on set start adding up, and Sabrina and Nick find themselves—quelle horreur—working together to hunt down the saboteur…and discovering they might have more in common than they thought. When a fiery encounter is caught on camera, the public is convinced that the reluctant cohosts are secretly lusting after one another.

The public might not be wrong.

Their chemistry has always been explosive, but with hate turning to love, the stakes are rising and everything is on the line. Neither is sure if they can trust these new feelings…or if they’ll still have a job in the New Year.

This book is approximately 96,000 words

I have read every one of Lucy Parker's books and have liked every single one. Even her prickliest characters are likeable and certainly a bunch of fun. This is book 5 in the London Celebrities series. A fun series indeed!


6.  Title: Stars Beyond
     Author: S K Dunstall
     Publisher: Penguin
     Releases: January 21, 2020
     Price: $9.99

The crew of Another Road are back, closer than ever to the biggest score in the galaxy. . . if they can stay a step ahead of the Justice Department agents and Company men tracking them.

An engineer with a fondness for weapons. A captain with no memory. An obsessive genemodder who loves to tinker. Meet the crew of Another Road.

Josune, Roystan, and Nika have escaped the company thugs trying to kill them. They've gotten a new spaceship to replace The Road (after it was blown up underneath them). And their new ship is armed to the teeth with dangerous weapons, courtesy of Josune. All that's left to do before they head out to find the legendary lode of transurides is to restore Roystan's memory. To do that, they need to collect the genemod machine Nika has ordered.

But first, they have to shake off the Justice Department agent and the Companies tracking them.

It should be easy. They've done it before. What could possibly go wrong?

This is the second book in the Stars Uncharted Series and this is the author(s) who wrote the Linesman series. It's a good, old fashioned space opera with lots of interesting characters and plenty of plot. I'll have to reread the first book 'cause my memory is not exactly up to par these days.  


7.  Title: Heartland
     Author: Sarina Bowen
     Publisher: Tuxbury Publishing
     Releases: January 28, 2020
     Price: $3.99

An emotional friends to lovers romance full of risky secrets and late-night lessons in seduction.

Dylan is my best friend, and the only person in my life who understands me. He doesn’t mind my social awkwardness or my weird history. The only glitch? He doesn’t know that I’ve been hopelessly, desperately in love with him since the first day we picked apples together in his family’s orchard.
But I know better than to confess.
Now that we’re both in college together, I’m seeing a new side of him. College Dylan drinks and has a lot of sex. None of it with me.
Until the night I foolishly ask him to tutor me in more than algebra…and he actually says yes.
But the cool morning light shows me how badly I’ve endangered our friendship. And I don’t know if anything will be the same again.

I don't know why I like Sarina Bowen's writing/stories so much. Usually her characters are younger than any grandchildren I might have. But, so it is. I especially like her Ivy Years series and they are sooo young in that. *shrug*

Anyway, this is book 7 of the True North series and Dylan is the youngest son of the Shipley family; I think they've run out of siblings, maybe. This is probably not the place to start with this series altho' hopefully this book will be able to stand alone.

Carolyn's December Book

Long, long ago I used to share my pre-orders with the hope that someone would find a book they'd like. And now that we're starting a new year, I hope to return to this tradition.

Unfortunately, December is almost over. But there's one book that's due out the 31st that I'd like to share with you.  (And it will give me some practice too.)


1.  Title: Risk It All
     Author: Katie Ruggle
     Publisher: Sourcebooks Casablanca  
     Release Date: December 31, 2019
     Price: $6.15

     

     

Five bounty-hunting sisters
Deep in the heart of the Rockies
Fighting to save each other
...and the men who steal their hearts

Cara Pax never wanted to be a bounty hunter. She's happy to leave chasing criminals and tackling skips to her sisters. But if she wants her dreams of escaping the family business to come true, she's got one last job to finish... Only problem is, she doesn't think her bounty is guilty.

Henry Kavenski is a man with innocence to prove. When he realizes that Cara believes him, he'll do anything to keep her out of harm's way. Escaping criminals and dodging cops might not be the best time to fall in love, but Henry and Cara won't give up, not when there's a chance at a new life ahead—if they can survive the fall.

I quite enjoyed the first book, In Her Sights, So I'm hoping this one will hit the spot too. It's getting harder and harder to find a book to suit me; I read the first few pages, maybe the first chapter or two, and just lose interest. 

New Year's resolution (and I don't usually make them): find my reading mojo!!!!

So ....

The cover was changed for the novel Bittersweet, Book 1 of the True North series.  

So which one do you like? And which one do you think was replaced?

Will tell you my thoughts when everyone has posted.  (Someone please post.)

Today

Aloha Blog Ohana!!

In the midst of impeachment and daily revelations of just how corrupt this administration is, my brother was indignant that anyone would think there was a good reason not to support the Orange Menace. "Even with everything he's been doing?" I asked in disbelief.

"What has he done?" my bro countered. "He's been the most abused president in history. He came into office with everybody against him."

So there you have it folks: the man who bragged about grabbing pussies, cheating on every wife, who has been accused of rape, partying with Jeffrey Epstein and is apparently running a money laundering business from the Oval Office is deeply misunderstood and under supported.

Poor, poor little orange man.

Anyway...Mollie is coming home for Christmas!! So fucking happy about this, I can't contain my joy.I now get to start buying gifts for her and planning some fun.

This is a very happy Mama here.

I'm moved into my bigger bedroom and it is so much bigger. I love it. I especially love having a closet where I can arrange my clothes and see them.

I've discovered CBD. It's basically hemp and can be used as a salve, in supplements, oil and various things. I freaking love the salve. A little on my knees in the morning and I swear to all that is holy, my knee pain disappears. It's a Thanksgiving miracle. (No exaggeration, this stuff is really that amazing. I'm also taking a supplement but I'm not sure if it's doing anything besides making me yawn uncontrollably for about an hour and a half every day.)

I bought purple and lavender paint today so shelves and hardware will be painted this weekend. Once I get shelves on the wall (as well as art) then my room will be complete. So excited!!

I'm reading more Talia Hibbert books. I like her voice and I like her characters. I finally got some books I ordered like forever ago (self-help by Brene Brown and feminism literature by Roxane Gay and another author whose name I can't think of right now... ) so I'll be reading those next.

Anyway, I'm currently a very happy camper. Stress at work but it's manageable and felt by everyone, family is all currently healthy and I can momentarily breathe about finances.

So how are all of you out there doing? Chime in. I really want to know what's going on.

Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert

Carolyn: 

Have a blurb! 

Chloe Brown is a chronically ill computer geek with a goal, a plan, and a list. After almost—but not quite—dying, she’s come up with seven directives to help her “Get a Life”, and she’s already completed the first: finally moving out of her glamorous family’s mansion. The next items?

• Enjoy a drunken night out.
• Ride a motorcycle.
• Go camping.
• Have meaningless but thoroughly enjoyable sex.
• Travel the world with nothing but hand luggage.
• And... do something bad.

But it’s not easy being bad, even when you’ve written step-by-step guidelines on how to do it correctly. What Chloe needs is a teacher, and she knows just the man for the job.

Redford ‘Red’ Morgan is a handyman with tattoos, a motorcycle, and more sex appeal than ten-thousand Hollywood heartthrobs. He’s also an artist who paints at night and hides his work in the light of day, which Chloe knows because she spies on him occasionally. Just the teeniest, tiniest bit.

But when she enlists Red in her mission to rebel, she learns things about him that no spy session could teach her. Like why he clearly resents Chloe’s wealthy background. And why he never shows his art to anyone. And what really lies beneath his rough exterior…

I don't particularly care for cartoon covers, but have one anyway.

Well, the heroine covers a lot of ground: she's plus sized; she's Black; she has a chronic disease, fibromyalgia; and all of this has given her certain ways to cope, ways that alienate her from her peers.But, ya know, I'm sorta hero-centric and I gotta tell you this hero met all my needs even if the description of his hair did remind me of my son (please don't judge).

Lori:

This was an excellent book. I've had a hard time with romance lately because it's too much insta-lust or H/h's with problems that could be solved easily with a little honesty.

Chloe's issue isn't small. She's in chronic pain and there's no easy cure. Quite the opposite and the kind of pain she's in makes it hard for her to sustain a friendship, much less a romantic relationship.

Red, a wonderful hero, also has his issue. He was in an abusive relationship (emotionally and physically) with a woman which has left him scared and scarred. His attraction to Chloe is fraught with his inability to see her as she is instead of as his ex was.

There's a lot to unpack but from my reading I just loved how well Chloe's medical condition was central to everything. I've been fighting a lot of pain myself recently and sometimes I find that I make choices not to do certain things, not to partake in pleasures because I'm afraid of how I'll physically feel afterward.

I felt for Chloe. I was so tied into her story and felt so much how easy it is to disappear into the sofa with the mess around her, having so much to do and so little ability to do it. 

And when Red came into Chloe's life, when he really came into her life, he never judged her for her difficulties. Red tried to make things doable. He tried to keep her pain in mind. And he lusted for her with so much passion, the pages almost burned with it.

To tell you how much I liked this book: I read the sex scenes.

Carolyn: 

LMAO! 

I've been blessed to be without a whole lot of physical pain in my life, but the way Chloe dealt with hers sounded logical and totally realistic. It was also realistic how Red slowly - emphasis on slowly - drew her out of her shell and made her life more joyful. It made me joyful too.

But most of all, it was the writing that spoke to me. Unfortunately it didn't occur to me to highlight notes until later in the book but here are a few examples.

* Old people always had hankies. They hid them on their bodies like ninjas with throwing stars.

* Tiny drips of rain spattered the lenses of her glasses, beaded on the flyaways frizzing from her hair, slicked her skin until she gleamed under the streetlights like a jewel.

* ...wearing a suit so sharp, it should be kept away from infants and waterbeds.

* ...it would be murder on her lower back. She sternly informed her nipples of these pertinent facts, but they gestured rudely at her and continued to tingle like a pair of slutty batteries.

I wish, oh I wish!

Lori, this writer has never really disappointed me. Her heroines are interesting, and while some might call them 'well off the beaten track', I say they're true to life; this author casts her nets wide and her characters are never cookie cutter people.

I think you'd also like the first book of hers that I read, "A Girl Like Her". Worth a try anyway, yes?

Lori:

This was my first book written by Talia Hibbert but it certainly isn't going to be my last. Thank you so much Carolyn, for pushing me to read this. 

It's hard to find a book that connects on every level but this one really did. I felt like Red did when meeting Chloe but the more I got to know her the more I wanted to know her. 

This was a delight from first page to last. Highly recommend.

Revenge Is A Dish ... Best Served by Victoria Helen Stone

I'm going to talk about three books in this post. All are books about women and revenge. One is brilliant. One is okay. And one is utter garbage.

Jane Doe by Victoria Helen Stone.

The Third Mrs. Durst by Ann Aguirre.

And One Last Thing by Molly Harper.

If you know me at all, you know I love a strong heroine. And a heroine who has been done wrong and takes revenge is 100% my cup of tea. The three books above are all that story. But where Jane Doe is the cream of the crop in revenge books, And One Last Thing misses the mark and The Third Mrs. Durst is one of the worst books I've ever read.

In Jane Doe, the heroine is a sociopath. She knows she is and she has the great good luck to understand that's okay. She isn't damaged. She is capable of creating bonds although they take a slightly different path than ordinary relationships.

And because of the break of her deepest bond, Jane is out to destroy Steve. Steve is a bastard. A manipulative, petty man who controls women through their self-esteem and does his best to hurt them. Jane's self esteem is just fine and her ability to play directly into Steve's game and outsmart him at every instance is glorious.

I loved this book more than I love a maple bar donut and I love a maple bar donut.

Hot off the success of Jane Doe came Ann  Aguirre'[s book, The Third Mrs. Durst. Here we have backwater heroine Marlene and her Donald Trumpian husband Michael, another awful man who is psychopathic and evil. The problem here is that this book was just soooooo bad that I kind of was hoping everyone would die at the end.

The heroine is a liar. And not just a liar in the sense of her manipulations in the story but as the narrator of the story she lies to the reader. Writer, a word of advice: do not write first person narration and have the narrator lie to the reader. It makes me believe that you don't know how to write and you don't respect the reader.

It's obvious in the story that Marlene's older sister was married to Michael and he killed her and now Marlene is seeking revenge. But Marlene misrepresents throughout the story and hides the fact that both her male and female lovers are in on the plan while pretending to be concerned about their well being... the truth is that I hated this book more than I hate liver and onions and oh my God, I really hate liver and onions.

I'm still angry with that book and the lying narration. I mean, I'm furious with it months later.

Which brings me to And One Last Thing by Molly Harper. Carolyn suggested the book to me and I just finished it and well, I have thoughts. It's an interesting book because nobody is really evil and the heroine isn't bad, it's just...

Lacey discovers her husband Mike is fucking his secretary. So Lacey announces it in a very amusing way to everybody who knows them both. And then she lawyers up and runs away to her Grandmother's cabin to lick her wounds.

Lacey has a love interest with a hunky neighbor which was uninteresting. And at the end of the book, Lacey and Mike are both adults and make things amicable. And that was all boring. But... along the way Lacey starts to work through her feelings about the end of her marriage by writing a horror book where she kills off the husband and does evil and well, I really wanted that book. It sounded so cool.

Otherwise, And One Last Thing was a perfectly nice, little romance novel that had the ability to be more and never stretched to achieve it. I was disappointed because it promised a hot fudge sundae but then delivered a chocolate ice cream cone.

Revenge is sweet when it's done well. Victoria Helen Stone did it better than any I've read. The others not so much.

Anyone else have anything to add?

Must Love Coffee by Sarah Mayberry

Hey Carolyn,

I saw your post earlier about romance stories and what I think of as the "meh" factor. And I totally agree. It's something we've discussed before: the preference for a story with romantic elements rather than a straight romance. It's just so damned hard to find a romance that works on all levels anymore.

That's why I want to tell you about a novella by Sarah Mayberry: Must Love Coffee. Apparently it's based on a real story but whatever... I just really liked the book all by itself. And I think you will too.

Our h/h are Daniel and Cassidy. Two career people who are hooked on coffee and have back stories. This isn't super deep. Cassidy's husband was a cheater who left her for another woman and Daniel is aching over the loss of his fur-bestie. So they're both hurting.

They also both have a wicked sense of humor. And that's the crux of the story. Because Daniel as a joke declares himself the Customer of the Week at the coffee shop that he and Cassidy both frequent. And Cassidy with a sharp sense of humor and moderate outrage is not going to sit back for that (after all, her coffee addiction is just as stunning as Daniels.)

And a war begins. A war of humor. A war of cleverness. A war between two people who need to escape their daily lives and have fun (proving they're still alive, still vital, still here).

I'm not going to go too deep into this because it's a short book and I want you to read it. It's clever and cute but more than that also. Because it isn't really angsty yet it captures an angst that was very moving. There was, for both these people, a wish to win this funny war because they were feeling diminished by their recent losses.

I'm not very into romance right now but reading this book was delightful and I was grateful for it. Give it a shot Carol. Then call me and we can wax poetic about coffee and pets we've loved. I think we'll both enjoy that conversation.

Lori

So ....

I guess it's time I lived up to our header and discussed some Romance, or at least tried to discuss it. And since I'm writing this at 3:00 a.m. my time, let's see if I can put down some ideas without sounding drunk.

I don't know if it's age (old), a different cycle of life (post, post, post menopause), or just being cantankerous, but it's difficult to find romances that catch my interest anymore. I buy books on sale that sound right up my alley as far as tropes and characters and I buy books not on sale that sound even better. The samples downloaded and then deleted without a sale are legion. And I end up rereading old favorites: anything Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs or Anne Bishop, anything Katie Ruggle writes. Oh, and S K Dunstall. Very little contemporary there, now that I look closely. Yet still I buy.

I find I'm tired of all the explicit sex. My vagina gave up the ghost long ago and I don't give a shit how many thrusts are involved in a sex scene. I want the warmth of character as written by the authors listed above and I don't care how much precum he can produce or how much liquid bedews her well conditioned thighs. 

I've always had difficulty distinguishing between some romances and erotica. Seems to me many books listed under romance are really erotica. And the unrest is spreading; I read hardly any historical romance  these days and since the one blog I do check out seems to be promoting gay romance that is not K J Charles, it doesn't interest me.

So now I mostly read mystery with romantic elements and I find it mostly satisfying. Don't read as much as I used to though. Now mostly I sleep (or try to, lol).

So this is a pretty choppy post, but not bad for 3 a.m., yes? I need practice.  :-)

Why I’m Fasting on This Yom Kippur

I’m best described as a secular Jew. I was born to Jewish parents and raised (till about age 15) in Temple. I was Bat Mitzvah, my mother was president of the Sisterhood and we never kept the Sabbath. Jewishness was an identity, equal to having hazel eyes and curly hair. We were Jewish because we were Jewish.

And then we really weren’t Jewish. But I was. I always was. Yet there was something missing. It wasn’t about belonging to a congregation or being Kosher. It was just… something.

So for my birthday, Carolyn bought me a book: Here All Along by Sarah Hurwitz. Sarah is a successful political speechwriter (she was Michelle Obama’s head speechwriter) and she was also a secular Jew. And now she isn’t. And reading her book is akin to having my own head sliced open and my thoughts spilling out.

I’ve always believed in my religion. Not the Messiah stuff because I don’t think some golden god being is going to show up and lead us to the Promised Land. Not to mention the Promised Land is no longer what it used to be and I do believe that this world is capable of being nirvana if people could only stop being people.

You know what I mean.

But I’m Jewish. And when the world seems to be going to Hell in a handbasket, I’m finding that more than ever my Jewish identity is screaming to be recognized.

Because we too were strangers in Egypt.

Because we too were victims of genocide.

Because we have been hated and blamed.

Because we have always been other yet always spoke up for others because that is what God told us to do.

Believing in God, in the tenets of what we were told, is believing in humanity and acting in the best interests of the world. We are told to fight for people, to protect people and to be kind to strangers. Because we were strangers also. Because we were abused also. Because we are chosen people (as are all who believe in one or less Gods) and chosen to be good people, moral people, shades-of-Barbra-Streisand people who need people, people.

The far right conservatives sneer and call the far left, SJW (social justice warriors). And I have to admit I think that’s a compliment, not an insult. I mean, would you rather be a warrior for social injustice?

So going back to Yom Kippur: when I was a kid we always went to the High Holy Days services. We fasted on Yom Kippur and sat in a stupor while the Torah was read. Again, the idea of atonement and real meaning of Yom Kippur wasn’t what we were there for. We were there because we were supposed to be. We were there because that’s what we all did.

This year I’m feeling like it’s what I’m supposed to do. To be empty from food and to remember that Yom Kippur is not just a day to atone for our sins but to atone and reflect on societal ills. It’s time to stop and ask is this world, is this country, is this community doing right in the eyes of God? Are we living like people who remember and honor those persecuted and do not want to see anyone experience that again?

When our President has given permission to Turkey to kill 2 million Kurds, I know my ancestors are screaming. I’m screaming. The world is screaming.

We have to atone. We have to figure this shit out. And we have to be better than this and make sure it doesn’t happen. We have to.

Donald Trump Doesn't Define Us

It's impossible to exist in America at this point in time without having strong feelings, one way or another, about Donald Trump. To some, like my brother, Donald Trump is the embodiment of winning. He's a below average white male who doesn't deserve, doesn't understand and doesn't care about the office he's in and he's the poster child for every inadequate white male out there who hated the past president for being the exact opposite (black, smart, deserving).

To many of us, we can only see the destruction this less-than-average man accomplishes and we only see how we as a country, as a people, are losing. Losing the gravity of the office of President, losing respect, losing our planet, losing our standing in the world.

On a personal level, I feel like Donald Trump is turning many of us into shell-shocked partners of a 

an emotionally abusive man. He's always attacking, always ready to perceive slight and erupt in vitriol and rage, leaving us shaken and afraid, hoping that the fists won't come out.

He's exhausting. If you look away for a minute then you'll miss the latest crazy, the last outrage, the newest damage to our democracy. But if you watch, if you haunt the news and social media, the constant assaults to our normality, to our lives just keep picking at your thoughts and soul. 

There is no winning with this man. Disengage and miss how he's destroying what matters (then come back and despair). Stay aware and despair because it doesn't stop. Ever. Every single motherfucking day there's something.

We're an emotionally ragged country. We can't sustain this.

And we need to learn not to. Not to look away because these are our lives, our future. But more than ever this is the time to return to art, to create, to craft, to fight the unrelenting ugliness of this man and his followers and create art. Art. We need art to keep us going.

Think for a minute about this. How many of us found that this world has sucked the joy out of us? Spend 10 minutes on Twitter and then think about crafting something and all you want to do is take a nap. 

It's so hard to create when emotionally you feel unbalanced. I quit writing after Trump became president and slowly a lot of my creativity went hot then cold then gone. (Admittedly, after Mollie went to Japan I've found it hard to create at all.)

We have to. We have to find that spot within us and nurture it back into being. Creativity is hope. It just is. It's reaching out into the void and finding celebration. Whether writing, art, baking, painting, working with Photoshop, knitting a scarf: creating always equals hope. 

And hope is what defines us as a species. Not hate. Not anger. Not Donald Trump.

I know it sounds simple but it isn't. This is a battle for peace of mind for those staying engaged. You can't live like this small man and his small sect of haters. Live larger. Embrace the world we love and refuse to lose. Hope is the thing created with brushstrokes, keyboards, flour spilled on the table. Raise yourself from the Netflix stupor and make your own short film, dance to BTS, dip your happiness in paint and reclaim yourself with a brush stroke.

Donald Trump does not define us because hope does. Reconnect with yourself, with your joy, with your soul. Create something. And remember that in doing so you're part of humanity and humanity prevails because humanity aspires.

Dream. Reach. Hope.

The Mother of All Mothers

Depression is a mother. Not a sweet, nurturing mother but the Faye Dunaway ‘Mommy Dearest’ version with the wire hangers.

I’m depressed.

I don’t know what set me off today. I started the day okay but somehow something got away from me. I plummeted and found myself sitting at my desk wanting to leave my job, wanting to cry, wanting anything but what I had that minute.

That’s depression. Such a downer. 

It didn’t kick my ass. Not really. I talked to my manager and told her what I was imagining and she talked me off the ledge. But now I’m sitting here, still feeling the monster walking around my edges and I’m wondering why today, why like this and how do I keep it from happening?

I don’t have answers. I mean, I have some ideas. I asked my daughter to call me tonight but she’s busy and not sure she can. I was told that I don’t get to work in our Kona clinic with my favorite doctor because I said I’d rather work front desk instead of a revolving schedule. Because I didn’t get the job I applied for and I don’t know why.

So the depression monster bit me. Not a nice, little nibble but a huge chomp of my ass.

It’s a fight. I don’t think I’ve realized in the past how much this monster lurks in my life. Now I can see him, he’s not shadowed. But I don’t know how to fight him. How to stop the feeling as it shadows my vision.

I’m not going to up my happy pill prescription. I do well on a low dose and don’t want to kick the fake up. I’ll go to my therapist. I’ll recognize what is happening as it happens and pay attention to it. I’ll be honest with the people in my life when I’m battling. And especially those minutes when I’m losing.

But it’s exhausting. And I’m so so tired.

Redefining Your Past for Your Better Being

I started seeing a therapist recently for a few reasons. As mentioned the Empty Nest Syndrome is hitting me hard and the ennui of being in my 60s is kicking my metaphysical ass. If indeed I have a metaphysical ass and if I do I hope it's not quite as dumpy as my physical one.

Anyway... in our introductory meeting she asked me about myself and I introduced me, in a manner of speaking. And she said something so unexpected and mind blowing, she said to me, "You're so interesting."

Who? Me?

Her point in saying that is that she heard my story of myself and saw the ways I didn't make choices to fit the norm. Daughter adopted from China. Best friend a literal stranger in Alabama (yet the person whose heart I know and trust over all others). Fighting a lifetime to be heard. Taking chances without safety nets in place.

Well put it that way and I guess I am kind of interesting, yes?

I've been thinking about this a lot. Thinking how I've always judged myself as inherently broken because I don't have any long term committed romantic entanglements (after all, am I woman without a man?) I've never been very successful with my writing, despite being published by others. How I've framed myself in ways that take my accomplishments and make them look like failures.

I don't know if this is an inherently female trait or not, and that's something I might want to research. But as women we're always trying to be quiet in open spaces, to diminish ourselves, to not look ambitious or braggy and even worse, proud.

So I applied for a new job where I work that would be a serious step up for me, as well as challenging and exciting. (Every time I say anything about the job my immediate desire is to state that I don't expect to get it because I'm not qualified for it or something else self-deprecating. I'm not doing that because the truth is that I would be amazing at this job and bring some great ideas and changes to it that the hospital can use. So fuck off mind, I want and deserve this job!)

Anyway... I had my first interview for the position and was asked a standard question about "name one time you went above and beyond for a patient." And I thought for a few seconds and realized that I couldn't name one time because there are hundreds of times. So I told the interviewer instead that I try to go above and beyond for every patient because that's the standard of care I give. And then I instead told her the story of a time that a complete stranger I spoke to in a doctor's office changed my life by setting me on the path to adopt my daughter.

And in that moment I completely embraced the knowledge that my life is amazing. My life is full of stories of wonderful things. The first time I got a piece of writing accepted for publication when I was about 20 years old. The adoption journey. Moving to Hawaii. Meeting Carolyn online and starting the greatest friendship I will ever experience in this world (I seriously consider Carolyn and Mollie the two greatest loves of my life).

This post has meandered a bit but here is what I wanted to say: we are here and our roads might have been hard, we might have felt silenced or alone. But we're here and we have stories to tell. We have stories we've lived. And we don't have to climb mountains or swim in money to be interesting and important. Our stories and experiences when we don't diminish them are fascinating. We are fascinating.

So my therapist was correct in hearing me and noting that I've never taken the standard path and I'm interesting as hell. As are we all. And we need to remember to amplify our own voices and experiences no matter how much we think we're not deserving because we are. We deserve to be seen. We deserve to be heard. And we deserve to silence our own negative voices and see our past not as a road of failure but as growth and choices that brought us to where we are and the places where we deserve to be.

My past has had hardships yes, but what wonderful stories I can tell and have yet to live.

Just a little addition ...

                   Brawny Blondes!!  

Welcome Back

Although we've never really been gone.

Mollie moved to Japan to attend college and I'm working full time in a surgeon's office. Carolyn is still here too, she's reading, painting and singing badly at me on the phone.

And we still have this blog.

We're not really overly romance readers/writers anymore. Although we both still love the genre it takes a lot more to engage us.I'm currently reading more non-fiction and Carolyn is well, she reads everything but if it doesn't engage her quickly she's on to the next.

So we've been talking about the blog and have agreed that even when we end up silent for years, it's still a form of home for us. And personally, I've been feeling a desire to write again. Nothing major. Nothing fictional. Maybe just a wish to shout into the void and feel heard.

And for the sake of disclosure I do want to mention that I've started therapy because I'm having serious displacement with empty nest syndrome. Mollie is thriving in Japan and I've never been prouder but I'm lonely and sad and unsure of my place in this world.

So that's where I'm at. Politics will be discussed. Romance novels, as well as vaginas, menopause, anger and sorrow will be discussed.

When Carolyn and I first met, her husband John was driving a big truck, she was working as a medical biller, Mollie was 4 years old, I liked sex and we were devoted fans of Carlos Marin. Carolyn lost John to lung cancer, she retired, she prefers to look at brawny blonds. Mollie is in college, sex is a distant memory, and well, I like K-Pop and K-Pop boys.

Everything changes.

But we always have this blog to come home to.

Women Do The Heavy Lifting

Kamala Harris 2020!!

Although honestly, right now I'm excited about 3 out of 4 of the Democratic women running. (Not surprisingly I despise Tulsi and didn't vote for her in our local election either). But wow: Kamala.

What excites me is that we need a woman to come in and clean up the mess the RepubiTrumps did. Get in and clean up the government, throw the protections back on our environment. You know, save the motherfucking planet. The shit that men can't be bothered to do.

Speaking of men not being worth the meat sack they reside in: my brother replaced my spark plugs so I love him to death. However...

Lola is dying.

Lola is my SIL's mother. 92, severe dementia and dying. She's at home, hospice comes in every day and she's stopping eating and drinking. She is dying.

But she's not dead yet. She's alive and in our house and needs 24 hour care. So who do you think provides that care? If you guessed the women, you'd be right. Even my daughter has helped clean Lola's ass and held her hand. It's what we do. We're women.

And my useless but I love him brother? He avoids. He lets the women do the work. He keeps his eyes forward so he doesn't have to see the shit on our hands and tears in our eyes.

Lola is dying.

Did you know that Medicare is paying for the hospice nurse and aides that come in daily to help the SIL clean her mother up and access the catheter and the meds and the dying woman's pain levels. The same Medicare that the Republinuts want to cut. Kamala wouldn't. Kamala and the other women know that our mothers shouldn't have to lay in their own filth and someone has to turn them onto their sides and wipe the mess and apply the salve and brush the hair from her face and tell her she's loved.

Lola is dying and so are giraffes and lions and decency and our rights. And Kamala is a woman of color and I think it's so unfair that I want her to be my president so she can clean the shit this country has become but it's what women do and we understand that we have to do it.

We have to do it.

Because Lola is dying. And so is America.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (let's hope for impeachment)

2019. Who knew we'd live so long?

Started the New Year off not really doing anything I planned. I did get my pictures hung (Carolyn, you look great on my walls!), getting another skull in the Etsy store and reading. I planned to sew but didn't. I planned to wash my walls but didn't. I planned to nap and did.

Here's hoping that 2019 is the year of Pelosi. Two years of Trump has been terrible for the sanity of normal people and the decline of decency has been hard to watch. Here's to Team Pelosi!

Okay: resolutions. I no longer do 'em. In the last few years it's been themes of what I need to learn and I relaized that this year it's so scattered... Mollie will go to college but that doesn't bother me that much. More than anything I'm just concerned with how the finances will work. I'll know soon enough.

So my theme this year is: none. There are things I hope to acheive and plans made but somehow this year is too wide open to settle.

I want to become friends with my finances. I want to overcome my bad financial decisions and have a healthy relationship with my money.

I want to keep creating. Quilting (my joy). Writing. Painting.

I want to hone my anger and sarcasm into a weapon that could castrate a man with a simple word.

I want to have a library of woman strong movies and books to give me power.

No more bullshit in my life. I'm trying to see how that works. I'll keep you updated.