Depression is a mother. Not a sweet, nurturing mother but the Faye Dunaway ‘Mommy Dearest’ version with the wire hangers.
I’m depressed.
I don’t know what set me off today. I started the day okay but somehow something got away from me. I plummeted and found myself sitting at my desk wanting to leave my job, wanting to cry, wanting anything but what I had that minute.
That’s depression. Such a downer.
It didn’t kick my ass. Not really. I talked to my manager and told her what I was imagining and she talked me off the ledge. But now I’m sitting here, still feeling the monster walking around my edges and I’m wondering why today, why like this and how do I keep it from happening?
I don’t have answers. I mean, I have some ideas. I asked my daughter to call me tonight but she’s busy and not sure she can. I was told that I don’t get to work in our Kona clinic with my favorite doctor because I said I’d rather work front desk instead of a revolving schedule. Because I didn’t get the job I applied for and I don’t know why.
So the depression monster bit me. Not a nice, little nibble but a huge chomp of my ass.
It’s a fight. I don’t think I’ve realized in the past how much this monster lurks in my life. Now I can see him, he’s not shadowed. But I don’t know how to fight him. How to stop the feeling as it shadows my vision.
I’m not going to up my happy pill prescription. I do well on a low dose and don’t want to kick the fake up. I’ll go to my therapist. I’ll recognize what is happening as it happens and pay attention to it. I’ll be honest with the people in my life when I’m battling. And especially those minutes when I’m losing.
But it’s exhausting. And I’m so so tired.
Please, please have an indepth medication discussion with your doctor/therapist regarding your medication. There may be another one that controls you better. I don't know that much about psychotropic meds but surely breakthroughs are not a good thing?
ReplyDeleteAny advice I could give you would not help so I'll just send lots of hugs. Lots of them.
I too have no advice that will be helpful so I'll send hugs too, all warm and sunny from Perth (it's supposedly Spring now...) Seriously though, as Carolyn says, speak with your doc. There has to be a solution. In the meanwhile, I'm here if you want to bend my ear, even if it's about grass growing or something else :) BIG HUGS and love ya heaps Sugar Drawers ♥♥
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are struggling so hard.
ReplyDeleteWould writing down the feelings and the times when they happen help when talking about it with your therapist? Also, I second Carolyn's suggestion to talk about alternatives, depending on how long you've been on your current medication. Sometimes it's not the dosage but the drug combo itself.
I'm no Carolyn, but hit me up (twitter, email) if/when you want or need.