Redefining Your Past for Your Better Being

I started seeing a therapist recently for a few reasons. As mentioned the Empty Nest Syndrome is hitting me hard and the ennui of being in my 60s is kicking my metaphysical ass. If indeed I have a metaphysical ass and if I do I hope it's not quite as dumpy as my physical one.

Anyway... in our introductory meeting she asked me about myself and I introduced me, in a manner of speaking. And she said something so unexpected and mind blowing, she said to me, "You're so interesting."

Who? Me?

Her point in saying that is that she heard my story of myself and saw the ways I didn't make choices to fit the norm. Daughter adopted from China. Best friend a literal stranger in Alabama (yet the person whose heart I know and trust over all others). Fighting a lifetime to be heard. Taking chances without safety nets in place.

Well put it that way and I guess I am kind of interesting, yes?

I've been thinking about this a lot. Thinking how I've always judged myself as inherently broken because I don't have any long term committed romantic entanglements (after all, am I woman without a man?) I've never been very successful with my writing, despite being published by others. How I've framed myself in ways that take my accomplishments and make them look like failures.

I don't know if this is an inherently female trait or not, and that's something I might want to research. But as women we're always trying to be quiet in open spaces, to diminish ourselves, to not look ambitious or braggy and even worse, proud.

So I applied for a new job where I work that would be a serious step up for me, as well as challenging and exciting. (Every time I say anything about the job my immediate desire is to state that I don't expect to get it because I'm not qualified for it or something else self-deprecating. I'm not doing that because the truth is that I would be amazing at this job and bring some great ideas and changes to it that the hospital can use. So fuck off mind, I want and deserve this job!)

Anyway... I had my first interview for the position and was asked a standard question about "name one time you went above and beyond for a patient." And I thought for a few seconds and realized that I couldn't name one time because there are hundreds of times. So I told the interviewer instead that I try to go above and beyond for every patient because that's the standard of care I give. And then I instead told her the story of a time that a complete stranger I spoke to in a doctor's office changed my life by setting me on the path to adopt my daughter.

And in that moment I completely embraced the knowledge that my life is amazing. My life is full of stories of wonderful things. The first time I got a piece of writing accepted for publication when I was about 20 years old. The adoption journey. Moving to Hawaii. Meeting Carolyn online and starting the greatest friendship I will ever experience in this world (I seriously consider Carolyn and Mollie the two greatest loves of my life).

This post has meandered a bit but here is what I wanted to say: we are here and our roads might have been hard, we might have felt silenced or alone. But we're here and we have stories to tell. We have stories we've lived. And we don't have to climb mountains or swim in money to be interesting and important. Our stories and experiences when we don't diminish them are fascinating. We are fascinating.

So my therapist was correct in hearing me and noting that I've never taken the standard path and I'm interesting as hell. As are we all. And we need to remember to amplify our own voices and experiences no matter how much we think we're not deserving because we are. We deserve to be seen. We deserve to be heard. And we deserve to silence our own negative voices and see our past not as a road of failure but as growth and choices that brought us to where we are and the places where we deserve to be.

My past has had hardships yes, but what wonderful stories I can tell and have yet to live.