Dear Authors....

those of whom I friend on Facebook, follow on Twitter (okay, not that so much since Twitter is like meh to me), and those I see on Pinterest.....

cut it out!!

Oh my Gawd, you guys are annoying the shit out of me. You and your books and self-important twaddle. You know who you are. And you might not know that you're annoying the hell out of me but I'm here to tell you that you are. And I want it to stop.

Look, we're all in the same boat. We all got a book or books out and we're excited. We're authors. We're published. It means something to us and we want to put it out there. Yay us. Go team. Hip hip and a hoodle-doodle. Life is good.

So we promote. Some of us promote a little too much. I mean, yay you for having a new release and/or a backlist and I'm delighted for you, I am. But I'm not sure you understand that you're not Loretta Chase or La Nora or even vaguely interesting so re-announcing your release news every few hours with pics and sign up for your newsletter and all that is more than a little too much.

Oh yeah, and the picture thing. It's on Facebook and on Pinterest. It's those of you who find pictures of hawt men and post them and say "hmmm, think this coud be Joe in my book Nobody Gives a Damn?"

Well no, that's George Clooney, you ego-laden twit and he's not Joe except in your demented mind. And when you put pics of Clooney, Matt Damon, Channing Tatum or Tatum Channing (I don't know his name, I only know he's a pleasure to look at) and suggest they could all be Joe, well I want to suggest medication for your condition.

Having a book published is a great thing. Being proud is natural. But keep it in perspective. And in case you've lost perspective I'm going to give you some. Pay attention. There's a test later.

You got a contract for a book!! Yay. Celebrate. Call your best friend, your family, your dog walker, announce it on Facebook, Twitter and all social media. Then shut up. You get one announcement and that's all.

Edits are fun!  They sure are. Like some people get off on root canals and others like picking up dog poo. So go ahead and post a status. Doing edits on my Epic Vampire Magic Realism Romance. #editsarefun.  No more. One time only.

I'm a writer so I must write!  Okay, this one is a little more sticky. Because writing should be fun. And social media is about sharing the cool and fun stuff in your life. So your brilliant idea to do a story about three wedding planning sisters who fall in love with a vampire, a ghost and shape shifting naked mole rat should be okay to mention.

But see, there's got to be a little sense involved. The FB status I read this morning: doing edits on my werewolf and I have to write the blurb for Joseph and his amazing technicolor yawn before I finish my rough draft on Some Like It Not-So-Hot before I do book #17 of my incredible shrinking violets series. I thought she was a little full of shit.

On the other hand, I also read another writer mention another contract and that she has two signings set up and she was excited and I was excited for her. What was the difference? She was excited and sharing, not showing off how busy she is.

Remember: we really don't care. And if you're like me and have 300 - 3000 friends who you never met then maybe you don't want to appear boring. Or full of yourself.

Am I guilty of being a self-aggrandizing twit?  On occasion. I like to talk about how much I enjoy writing when I enjoy it and sometimes I mention that I should be writing but I'm not and I once mentioned my book idea about two BFF bloggers who spend their lives having hot, sweaty sex with gorgeous muscle bound men who are all cordon-bleu chefs who believe that foot massages are foreplay...

God, I just got myself turned on. Big time.

Look writers, here's the deal. Stop boring me. Stop making me want to hit you with a golf club. Be sensible. And never ever again post a picture anywhere that suggests a famous man might be a character in your book. Never. That's between you and your friends and I mean the ones you know. Otherwise the rest of us shall mock you.

Or put it on your blog. That's what we do.

You're warned.