Men Shouldn't Read Romance

Girls rule, boys drool.

Girls go to college
To get more knowledge
Boys go to Jupiter
To get more stupider.


We were watching Bachlorette last night (where my bright and beautiful daughter quoted the above at Kasey as he imploded in an emo rush of omg! is he insane?) and I was thinking about men and romance and decided that men and romance do NOT mix. And for that reason alone, men shouldn't read romance novels because they just don't get them.

Before anybody explodes on me, let me back up this claim with observations.

1. Men's reviews on romance novels (Doc Turtle on Smart Bitches, Magdelena's husband on Proromantica, almost anyone whose balls have dropped and has to shave) never get why women love the novels they're reviewing. An alpha man in their interpretation is to be laughed at in their attempt to discredit what woman find swoon-able.

Men don't understand that in books and movies we swoon over the alpha. In real life we like receding hairlines and men who put furniture together and leave a handful of screws unused so we'll always wonder when the damned thing is going to collapse.

We don't seek or marry alphas. We fantasize about them. A true alpha male would never put up with us and we'd hate the grunting. Men just don't get it.

2. Men don't understand virginity. Seriously, they don't. The average straight man would himself rather do the evil step-mother in Snow White and let the sweet, virginal Snow get her freaky on with the short dudes. Something about those red lips and red nails and a woman who likes mirrors does it for them.

Women understand that a female character who's obsessed with being the most beautiful, who puts the poison in an apple instead of a nice Godiva chocolate and wears Revlon Simply Insatiable Red Lipstick is just trouble waiting to happen.

We prefer the virgin. Chances are anyway that a real virgin past the age of 25 is just going to gorge herself on junk food and never get close to any man we really want so they're safe to us as romantic heroines. (Working with these bitches is a whole different story but we're not discussing that here.)

3. Men don't really *get* romance anyway. Back to The Bachlorette.

Ali told Kasey to stop singing, stop trying so hard and just be real. She wanted to like him. Kasey listened and then got a tattoo on his wrist to prove his love. Romance fail!

Men think it's about BIG gestures. Another case in point: my brother. Married more times than diets I've been on and failed, he used to woo with jewelry and spendy ways and bad poetry. Now he's shackled to an intelligent woman who has taught him that money is best saved and romance is in supporting each other's endeavors and dreams.

In romance it's the little things too. When the hero listens, when he tries what the heroine loves, when he finally turns her into the goddamned vampire she's been whining for after 4 long books: That's Romance!

Men aren't hard-wired to understand. He thinks it's about hot chicks, hot sex and a happily ever after where she becomes Giada and he gets to drink beer in the garage. Women still want to be listened to, understood and cared about. So we read romance and live the fantasy written by women who know where we're coming from.

Oh yeah: gay men don't count. They've got the same stupid sex wiring of straight men (they'd do the evil stepmother too or at least borrow the cape) but they're as emo as we are usually.