Thursday, April 22, 2010

How To Get Noticed On The Internet

Welcome to a new feature being offered by Two Old Farts: Lori's Lessons on Living Large. Where the shorter fart will guide you to a richer, fuller, more satisfying life.

And the first lesson: How to get noticed on the Interwebz.

If you're anything like us, the interwebz is all about fitting in, being noticed and looking kewl. We know all about looking kewl. We're so kewl that we don't even spell correctly. That's uber kewl.

You need a kewl moniker. You can't be a fart, we've already claimed it. Smart Bitches, DA, Mrs. Giggles and Miss Snark are all taken too. Nora Roberts is LaNora and Victoria Dahl is that kewl writer on Twitter who talks dirty.

You should try something that shaves a few years and pounds off. SexyWritingLass is a good interwebz name. HotHornySkinnyWordsmith works too. If worse comes to worse you can use your real name but that's moderately discouraged. After all, why be a Hortensia when you can be HornyHotenseEroticWriter?

Now that you have your kewl name, you need to make your presence known. We've noticed that plagiarism will get lots of blogs to notice you. So go out there and steal liberally from someone.

And before you ask, yes, these old farts have stolen almost everything they do from another website: Two Old Farts Talking Power Tools. Check out our amazing discussion of routers in archives.

(We'd suggest that if you blog, steal from Dear Author. Nobody would ever notice since their readership is tiny and Jane is a pussycat with no legal experience and she'd take it as a compliment if you lifted from her. Trust me on this. Don't tell her I sent you.)

(If you're writing, steal from Nora. She doesn't mind. Not at all. Another pussycat, we promise.)

Another way to get noticed in on Amazon. We loves us some good Amazon fail (more kewl speak by the kewl ladies).

If you're a writer with a book on Amazon, the best way to get immediate notice and lots of hits is to publically call out a bad review. Anything less than 4 stars in fact is a bad review and needs to be pointed out immediately.

Remember these simple rulez:

1. The reader isn't deep enough to understand your point.
2. The reader isn't a writer and doesn't recognize your talent.
3. The reader has a pointy head and is an idiot anyway.
4. The reader knows nothing because your BFF said you wrote the best book ever and she never lies!

Your readers will appreciate you pointing out their flaws. Trust us. We haven't steered you wrong yet, have we?

We'll be adding more lessons in time. If you have any questions, ask Carolyn. I'm taking a nap now.


  1. Oh lord ...

    Well, I had all sorts of snarky and hopefully funny replies to your remarks (which were made without my knowledge, btw), but I'm skeered of lawyers and I decided to cease and desist before I was told to cease and desist.

    There is a fallacy to your Amazon plan though. Doing as you suggest might garner you notice, but would it translate into book sales? Most folks are so disgusted with these authors that they state they'll never buy anything they write.

    This is why I think you should rethink your plans for Angel Lane. Heh - ;-)

    It is like watching a train wreck though, isn't it? (A much typed metaphor when one of these train wrecks is in motion.) You gasp and say "No! She didn't just say that!""I can't believe what I'm reading here!""God God, this author is crazy!"

    Well - you get the drift.

    In conclusion: anyone who knows Lori should realize that Lori Advice should be taken with a grain of salt and a sense of humor.

    I can add nothing more, so I shall cease and desist.

  2. I have contacted my lawyer who is currently also your lawyer and she said her girdle is much too tight currently and she'll deal with you later.

    Consider yourself forewarned.

  3. Insert ROFLMAO smiley here ~~~~~>

  4. They can't have Laundry Hag either, I know, it's not fair, but I nebbed it fair and square so ha!