Happy Easter/Passover/Sunday

 Well in strict defiance of all Passover rules and traditions, I'm baking bread today. Huge urge to smell yeast and make something basic and beautiful. Peanut butter cookies too. Dinner is shrimp and rice so obviously I'm going to be bonding with my kitchen today.

My position as Office Bitch has been secured now. I was working a week ahead and every overbooked appointment got an email to the person who made the appointment (cc'ing the Doctor and Office Manager) telling that person to fix it. They wouldn't listen and now they they're going to get dinged.

Also, a huge problem in the office with insurance verification keeps happening and it became obvious that it was bound to become my problem. So I took a day to look at the problem and realized that the best solution made it my job to fix. Which actually means that the girls not doing their jobs properly just added more hours to my paycheck. Since I've been working about a 72 hour paycheck, they just increased it to an 80 hour paycheck.

And the best part? This is what I love to do. Sit with a bunch of schedules and verify insurance online. Since I can sit with my feet up on my couch, a world of cushions behind me, a cat knocking things over somewhere in the distance... ha! Thanks ladies. More money doing something I enjoy.

So time to find a bread recipe I want to do today. Love to all you glorious women. 

What's Up With the Big Grrrls?

 I'm late to the party but I just met Lizzo. And to say that I'm in love would be an understatement. I'm in awe, in shock, in wonder, in amazement and yes, in love. 

Amazon Prime has a show "Watch Out for the Big Grrrls" and it's (sorry Lea) a reality TV show where Lizzo is looking for dancers to join her tour. She has 13 women, aged 20 - mid 30s audition. Those that make the cut move into a  house together: they dance, learn choreography and have a Lizzo inspired, life changing experience.

Can I mention that all these women are big? From big thighs and poochy bellies to big ass women who jiggle everything when they walk. Their thighs all meet, their boobs all hang and they are the fucking fiercest women. Like Lizzo herself.

The thing about this show is that it's not a standard reality show. When someone falls they're praised and lifted for getting back up again. When someone is noticed to have a difficult personality (multiple small skirmishes with multiple women), she's booted. No drama, no hate. This is a show about lifting women up. And celebrating all bodies, all women.

Did you know Lizzo just started a shapewear line called Yitty? OMG. The clothes are for big girls and  the models are big girls! Not some size 16 Lane Bryant types. 

Anyway, as someone starting a self-love journey, this show brought a lot of tearful moments. There was so much as the women shared their journeys. As Lizzo herself talked about how hard it is to love yourself when the world is out there telling you that fat equals unlovable.

If someone can't love me because of the size of my stomach, their love wouldn't be worth getting. Oh, which is another thing Lizzo keeps telling the women: don't listen to the people who say you can't, even if you're one of the people saying it yourself.

Anyway, I'm a little Lizzo & Harry Styles crazy right now. Talk about people who make you feel better by their existence. And of course Harry & Lizzo are friends.

I love this world.

Vegging Out

 

I haven't gained weight. At least, not in any significant way. And this is me spending 2 months with no eating restrictions, ice cream almost nightly and complete freedom in my kitchen. This is also me with a huge craving for salads and veg dinners because my veg game has been ignored.

My therapist says that as trauma is addressed and a person lives peacefully in their body, a weight shift should happen naturally. And I believe that. I believe that now because I put my scale away awhile ago but weighed myself this morning and after everything, I'm 220. So up maybe 5 pounds.

But yesterday I was planning my grocery list and I just thought that I want to go into the produce section and blow my budget. I'm craving a lot more greens than I've been eating. I also realized that I'm ready to stop buying ice cream and fill up my bins with fruit (I'm craving strawberries).

Other decisions I recently made: 

1. Not painting the wall. It would look good but it's more than I want to do at this time and the space is pretty as is.

2. Not to buy storage solutions for my fridge. They look so cool but I'm one person and don't need that kind of organization when I'm just buying/keeping for one. Don't need a solution for where a problem doesn't exist.

3. Bye bye drink station. Don't need it. Love it but it's wasting space I need.

4. Time to think outside the box with work space. My organizing needs to be within reach, compact and something that makes me smile. Right now I'm rearranging space and playing with storage outside the box (everything is in little boxes and now we're giving my collection of make-up bags a try).

Anyway, payday is tomorrow and so I'm getting my shopping lists together. My cupboards are a little bare and I'm planning to fill it all up.

And I might need to get a Feral Spinster t-shirt made. Time to show Murder isn't the only one with claws in this house.

Improper Ladies

 Carolyn and I were talking this morning and we talked about nursing homes and I said that nowadays instead of sweet, old grannies sitting around talking about their grandchildren, it would be crusty, old grannies comparing what members of the band they blew.

And fitting it into my current world view and hate of the systems that tie us down (the patriarchy, capitalism) I just want to be an improper, unforgiving, angry old woman. And while I'm at it: let me mention that selfish needs to hit that list. I am so done with being worried that I want things. I know that wanting isn't selfish. Taking care of myself isn't selfish.

And having boundaries will never be selfish.

We've become part of the invisible nation. Old women, people with disabilities, the unattractive. We don't enhance the view so we should step out. 

Funny how we lose our sexual attractiveness and find our voice. We stop existing for the male gaze and exist for ourselves. 

(There was a young man in the stairwell next to my apartment practicing his rapping. He might as well have been sitting on my couch with me. So I turned on my TV to a cooking show and he left immediately. Now the TV is off and my apartment is quiet, the way I like it. The accommodating woman has left and this old lady is here instead.)  

Toothless

 I had three teeth extracted yesterday. It wasn't planned. I had an abscessed tooth and expected to get it out. The dentists said that the 3 all together in that space needed to get pulled and gone they were.

In 3 weeks, another 3 are getting extracted. Two from the other side, bottom, and one near the center that broke partially.

I'm unhappy about this. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you want to hide your face.

So I went and did a google search for toothless women to use and realized that one: almost all the pictures the women were smiling or laughing, 2: I don't need to use an image to suggest that I feel something is unattractive because it's in the eye of the beholder and those women weren't unattractive.

Anyway, I'm feeling down about it but also kind of happy that the extraction gave me an excuse to not have to see my family.

Feel sorry for me, though. This is depressing as fuck.

Ka-Boom Baby

 So my sister and her wife are coming later this month and staying with my brother and his wife. They haven't made any plans that include me, I was told that they'll be camping down in Volcano and might come by after. However they'll have 3 dogs with them so I don't expect that will happen.

And I've been waiting to feel that familiar pain of lack of family care or respect but it's kind of missing this time. The truth is that every time my sister and her wife visit, I modulate the shit out of myself. I try to be a lot less me. My sister's wife doesn't like me much and I've done so much to turn that around and now I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.

If they don't want to spend time with me that's perfectly fine. I'm done trying to squeeze into spaces that don't want to make room for me. And that includes family spaces and people's hearts.

I'm starting to see myself in a new light. My therapist tells me that I'm a truth teller, there isn't any bullshit in my observations. I accept that. I have emotional clarity. 

This is going to be like consent. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no.

Ha: I just wrote that line and asked myself what about my consent? What about my choice in seeing them? Do I want to be around my family? They're all somewhat toxic. What a whoa. This just became a different game. 

Do I want to see my family this month? What do I want? What do I want?

Wallpapering the Fridge

 

It really works.

The front of the fridge has some not great spots but overall I love it and it breaks up the white.

Funny and not funny at the same time: after I finished I had dinner and then was feeling really weird. I realized that I had done something I really wanted to do, something I had built up in my mind and now it was done, it wasn't that much effort and I didn't have a clue how to feel about it. Without having a critical voice involved, it made me feel very strange.

I also got my shower head replaced to a hand held and my kitchen faucet with an aerator (under $10 at Walmart). 

And a great cleaning hack: I got a dishwashing brush (about $3 at Walmart)

and filled it with Dawn and white vinegar. Put it in the shower and when I was done showering, just wiped down the tub with the brush and rinsed and I cleaned the tub in 3 seconds,

So the weekend is almost here. Murder and I have some serious cleaning and cuddling plans. Probably will make cookies.

Life is good.