Ka-Boom Baby

 So my sister and her wife are coming later this month and staying with my brother and his wife. They haven't made any plans that include me, I was told that they'll be camping down in Volcano and might come by after. However they'll have 3 dogs with them so I don't expect that will happen.

And I've been waiting to feel that familiar pain of lack of family care or respect but it's kind of missing this time. The truth is that every time my sister and her wife visit, I modulate the shit out of myself. I try to be a lot less me. My sister's wife doesn't like me much and I've done so much to turn that around and now I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.

If they don't want to spend time with me that's perfectly fine. I'm done trying to squeeze into spaces that don't want to make room for me. And that includes family spaces and people's hearts.

I'm starting to see myself in a new light. My therapist tells me that I'm a truth teller, there isn't any bullshit in my observations. I accept that. I have emotional clarity. 

This is going to be like consent. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no.

Ha: I just wrote that line and asked myself what about my consent? What about my choice in seeing them? Do I want to be around my family? They're all somewhat toxic. What a whoa. This just became a different game. 

Do I want to see my family this month? What do I want? What do I want?