Happy Mother's Day

MAY ALL YOUR
MOTHER"S DAY WISHES
COME TRUE

Reviewing the Reviews

Oh my little poppets of prose, I’m so proud of how much you’ve learned sitting here at my feet. You know how to write a book, how to design a cover, how to bring it to people’s attention.

But we’re not done yet. Because if you do all I’ve taught you, then someone is going to review your book. It might be on Amazon, Goodreads, on a reviewing blog or in their yearly family Christmas email.

What you must remember, more than anything else, is that nobody and I do mean NOBODY understands your book as well as you do.

I’m going to lead by example here and show you a snippet of a review and subsequent conversation on one of my own books, THE COUNTRY CONTESSA.

The review stated: “Although certain aspects of the book were appealing, Ms. Green should do more research of time periods if she’s going to write historicals. At no time in Regency England did the ton engage in jello wrestling for eligible bachelors. Young women of gentle breeding did not greet each other by saying ‘Wassup bitches!’ and horses and phaetons did not stop at traffic signals in old London.”

Seriously. A reviewer wrote that.

If you ask some people, they’ll tell you that a writer should never ever ever respond to a review. But those people are readers. And you know that readers think they should be allowed to read a book however they want and the author shouldn’t be part of the equation. Like, seriously.

If it wasn’t for the author, there’d be no book. Duh!

So of course, it’s up to the author to help the reviewer understand the aspects of the book they obviously didn’t comprehend.

Which I did for the reviewer of THE COUNTRY CONTESSA.

Said I: “Although your review certainly understood the emotional points of my character’s journey, I was upset that you criticized the historical aspects of the story. Reviewers should understand that all books are a fantasy shared by the author with her readers and nobody expects accuracy in a romance novel.”

Said he: “Thank you for responding. I understand that romance is a fantasy for women as is obvious from the heroes with the 15 inch shlongs and the girlie understanding of the heroines many mood swings. However, a basic understanding of the time period is not too much to expect from an author as well. I would point out that having the Contessa running through a field wearing a Laker’s jersey might be something that would drop the reader from the story as they tried to shake the image loose in their beleaguered brains.”

Said I: “Look cretin, I stand by what I wrote. And my many fan girls are currently readying themselves to converge on this site and tell you what a tool you are. And who can prove they didn’t wear Laker’s jerseys in Victorian times? Huh? It’s not like you were there. So there!”

My point was made. And my seventeen sock puppet accounts that closed down that stupid site after 105 comments calling the reviewer a tool proved my point.

Not to mention, sales soared. I went from selling an average of three books a month to selling an entire twelve that month. Woo-hoo! Big time baby!

So don’t be afraid to engage readers and reviewers. Especially if you need to tell them what to think about what they read. After all, without your input, they might have their own mistaken opinions and we can’t have that.

Social Media and You

Oh you dear, brilliant, almost a writing sensation YOU!

You’ve written your 37,000 word opus about the sixteen year old salamander shifter and her quest to save the world from the evil newts, her desire to get her first kiss from the wildly misunderstood bad boy, indy rock star/boxer Moody Mike Malone and her persistent yeast infection which smells funky and makes her change her underwear every third page….

You have a cover that features soulful salamander eyes super-imposed over a picture of frolicking teens…

Now you got to take to social media and sell that thing.

That’s where an ego the size of the Grand Canyon comes in. Also Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, your personal blog and every other bit of social media there is.

People won’t buy your book if they don’t know it’s out there. The best thing you can do is let people know by telling them. Constantly.

“Hey all! I just released ALL MY YEASTY YESTERDAYS on Amazon. Right now. Only 12.99 for ebook and you can read all about Felicity Fairweather and her dangerous life running from the fae while being romanced by the hottest bad boy virgin on the planet!!”

“Hey All! Did I mention ALL MY YEASTY YESTERDAYS is on sale right now? I’ve worked really hard on it and my mom says it’s the best salamander shifting she’s ever read!!”

“Um… my book. It’s out now. ALL MY YEASTY YESTERDAYS. When you read it you’ll see how hot it is. Kind of like a mix of Divergent and Twilight with some Hunger Games thrown in. And salamanders.”

“I SOLD A COPY!!!!  WOO-HOO!!!”

That’s effective social media usage right there but it could be done better. Here’s my suggestion:

"Yo People With Brains, Taste and Large Sexual Organs! My book ALL MY YEASTY YESTERDAYS is being made into a movie by my 14 year old cousin's company and it will debut on You Hoo Tube tomorrow. I'm a freaking star!!!!"

See the difference?

"Do you know I've gotten over 5 Amazon reviews? And they're all 5 stars. And the nasty bitch who suggested they were all written by the same person because the all misspell doopleganger  is just a mean, nasty bitch whose jealous of my success. And I mean you, Aunt Irna!!"

Yeah, that's the way to do it. 

Tomorrow we'll discuss reviews. How to handle them. Especially if they don't really like your precious. 

Cover Art That Grabs The Reader

Okay you multi-millionaire writing machine, it's time to discuss book covers.

The book cover is the first thing the reader sees so you need to grab their attention.

The above is a bad choice.

It looks cheap and like something your seven year old could do if he wasn't busy hiding his cauliflower in the litter box.

You need something that has a little more class, while still suggesting sex and all the dirty little secrets inside the covers. And over the covers. And on the floor next to the covers. And with cops who are undercover.  And with ... oh hell, I'll stop now.

The above cover lays it out. We have male bum, a suggestive title and a clever blurb.

And it looks like your mother in law did it between her bingo games.

"But Sensei," you might be saying, "I don't want male buttocks on my precious."

Fine, we have choices.

See? Romance, erotica and the promise of pie.

See, you can pay a lot of money for a decent cover. Or you can be like me and get pictures of Lea swooning over some Swiss guy and force her to make you book covers to promise your silence.

But if you don't have blackmail pictures and you went to some cheap stock picture place and bought yourself a picture.... do the other thing I do and offer the 12 year old five bucks to make a cover.

What can I say?

My kid has talent and I'm just some anonymous writer looking to make a buck and take the kid to McDonalds.

Tomorrow we'll discuss social media and selling your novel.

Be A Best Seller (Just like me!!)

Every now and again it comes to my attention that the world is clamoring for knowledge, the kind of knowledge that only I can provide. Or eight million other indy writers who are making no money and garnering no fame but damn if we all don’t have some opinions about the others who are just like us.

So I got some opinions I want to share.

No, not opinions. Knowledge. Suggestions. Whispers in your ear.

I’m going to make you famous.

Really.

Understand that success in writing begins with following trends. Even if you’ve longed to write a story about a middle aged flight attendant who misplaces her diaphragm in every city where she lands: DON’T! Nobody wants to read about middle aged women and they certainly don’t care about the hostesses in the sky. Unless she’s a shifter. Maybe a walrus shifter who only turns when being pleasured anally.

Or maybe not.

But that’s not the point here.

The trend is more toward NA or YA or 36AA. So your heroine has to be young. And innocent. With a secret. A big, dark, juicy secret. And she’s a shifter. Not a walrus though because I already used that one and you can’t copy or I’ll badmouth you all over social media and beyond.

So you have your seventeen year old heroine who was born with cleft toes and an outie belly button which in the GLUGNSIGH prophesy means that she’s the holy one whose vaginal secretions when smeared on the Holy Dong of Justice can free the enslaved brownies. And their boxes of mint cookies. (Or is that the girl scouts? I get so confused. I was a blue bird myself but I don’t think they exist anymore except for that recording with Paul McCartney and the Wings. Which was one of the lamest songs ever.)

Now that you have your NA (ACP…haha) you need a love interest. Generally he’s a tormented 23 year old millionaire who runs a business that he does no work at and has abs of steel, mother issues and a shlong that would have been in the Guinness Book of World Records but the photographer forgot the camera with the panoramic view. (Is that the right Guinness or is that the ale? I’m confusing myself now.)

Nobody cares too much about the story as long as there’s lots of sex, oodles of angst and a poorly written caricature of the heroine’s mother which is obviously the author’s mother issues played out in Disney 3D.  (Bad metaphor but exactly the kind you can use for your story.)

Don’t worry about spelling or punctuation or anything involving craft. Readers nowadays want stories that have innocent heroines with magical secretions, they don’t want well written, properly edited books. And they understand that the need for you to get your poorly written, highly priced dreck into their hands quickly is a true gift because you’re thinking only of your readers.

(I know this because my book about the fire hydrant polisher and the dog walker, You Had Me At Woof, is proof that this advice works. I have over 200 one star reviews at Amazon. And 199 returns on the title.)

Tomorrow I’ll explain covers, copyediting and formatting your book for sale.

Now start writing you brave little beasts of bestselling brazenness!

The Motorcycle Misogyny, Why Do We Like It?

I'm a feminist. True blue, through and through, great balls of fire feminist. And I like books about MC's (motorcycle clubs). Although admittedly I'm reading Defiance by Stephanie Tyler and it's bringing up some issues for me.


Defiance is based in a post-apocalyptic motorcycle club where women are less than men and have the same rights as goats. Or chickens. They're allowed to have sex, they're allowed to be claimed and if they piss off someone who has clout, they're allowed to be raped to death. Literally.


I'm not far in the book and the hero Casper isn't down with all that and I'm pretty sure he's planning on changing the rules of the club. And his love interest Tru also wants to change the rules since her daddy beat and raped her and well, that's what happens when you're property.


And it seems, with the exception of Kristen Ashley whose motorcycle men are pussies with bikes and guns, most MC books are down with the women being sub-par as sweet asses and old ladies and just available pussies. Or house mouses. But not equals and with the exception of the romance of the book, they're miscellany in the men's lives.


In reviews I've read of these books, women continuously say that although the women in these books might be called one thing or treated a certain way, they actually hold power because... um, well because these are romance novels. And the heroine holds power because she holds the hero's heart.


I don't think so.


I think these situations scream misogyny and we like/love them for a reason. But I'm not sure what exactly that reason is.


Needless to say, my history as a childhood sex abuse victim guarantees that Defiance is pushing buttons for me and I might not be finishing it depending on how it goes. But I've read other MC books and will keep reading them and...


I wonder if there's a feeling of liberation for women to escape into a world where they don't have to be strong. As a single mother drowning in bills and anxiety and responsibility, I'd love for someone to come into my life and take over. It's like being a child and knowing that Mommy or Daddy will take care of things.


Or is there something inside of us that is so beaten down by societal standards that we already feel like nothing and the world of the MC answers that? In that world women are worth only what the men deem them worth just as in the real world we are only worth youth and attractiveness? The older we get, the less attractive we're deemed, the less we're valued in society.


The women in the MC are valued by their bodies generally and even those who are married, who have children and jobs are still voiceless in the world they exist in and are cheated on and still treated as less.


Do you like MC books? What do you like about them? And how do they make you feel?

Alive and Breathing

Had a lovely weekend this weekend. Nothing amazing happened, no great achievements were met. But it was a nice time nonetheless.

I read the Daisy Dexter Dobbs Greek trilogy and it was fun. If you're not a fan of insta-love then these aren't the books for you but if you enjoy light hearted and funny then these are good.

I'm reading The Collector by La Nora (Nora Roberts, that is) right now and wow, I love this woman's stand alone titles. Great writing, natural flow. She's what I want to be in my next life.

I did some writing and I'm working on a series of three books that I want to have done by my birthday. Book one is 2/3 finished and I was writing on book two because I'm making it different than my usual fare: more erotic and intense. It's great fun to write although the erotic part is hard.

I dyed my hair Saturday. I messed up because I wanted purple but got violet. I should have realized it wasn't purple but my mind has been stalled. I'm sure in the sunshine I look like a raspberry. I wanted to look like a grape popsicle (I know Carol, you want pictures...)

Anyway, that's about it in my life. What's going on with the rest of you?