Monday, May 5, 2014

Be A Best Seller (Just like me!!)

Every now and again it comes to my attention that the world is clamoring for knowledge, the kind of knowledge that only I can provide. Or eight million other indy writers who are making no money and garnering no fame but damn if we all don’t have some opinions about the others who are just like us.

So I got some opinions I want to share.

No, not opinions. Knowledge. Suggestions. Whispers in your ear.

I’m going to make you famous.


Understand that success in writing begins with following trends. Even if you’ve longed to write a story about a middle aged flight attendant who misplaces her diaphragm in every city where she lands: DON’T! Nobody wants to read about middle aged women and they certainly don’t care about the hostesses in the sky. Unless she’s a shifter. Maybe a walrus shifter who only turns when being pleasured anally.

Or maybe not.

But that’s not the point here.

The trend is more toward NA or YA or 36AA. So your heroine has to be young. And innocent. With a secret. A big, dark, juicy secret. And she’s a shifter. Not a walrus though because I already used that one and you can’t copy or I’ll badmouth you all over social media and beyond.

So you have your seventeen year old heroine who was born with cleft toes and an outie belly button which in the GLUGNSIGH prophesy means that she’s the holy one whose vaginal secretions when smeared on the Holy Dong of Justice can free the enslaved brownies. And their boxes of mint cookies. (Or is that the girl scouts? I get so confused. I was a blue bird myself but I don’t think they exist anymore except for that recording with Paul McCartney and the Wings. Which was one of the lamest songs ever.)

Now that you have your NA (ACP…haha) you need a love interest. Generally he’s a tormented 23 year old millionaire who runs a business that he does no work at and has abs of steel, mother issues and a shlong that would have been in the Guinness Book of World Records but the photographer forgot the camera with the panoramic view. (Is that the right Guinness or is that the ale? I’m confusing myself now.)

Nobody cares too much about the story as long as there’s lots of sex, oodles of angst and a poorly written caricature of the heroine’s mother which is obviously the author’s mother issues played out in Disney 3D.  (Bad metaphor but exactly the kind you can use for your story.)

Don’t worry about spelling or punctuation or anything involving craft. Readers nowadays want stories that have innocent heroines with magical secretions, they don’t want well written, properly edited books. And they understand that the need for you to get your poorly written, highly priced dreck into their hands quickly is a true gift because you’re thinking only of your readers.

(I know this because my book about the fire hydrant polisher and the dog walker, You Had Me At Woof, is proof that this advice works. I have over 200 one star reviews at Amazon. And 199 returns on the title.)

Tomorrow I’ll explain covers, copyediting and formatting your book for sale.

Now start writing you brave little beasts of bestselling brazenness!