I've been completely hooked on a Demi Lovato album (Dancing with the Devil) from a few years ago. The album is centered on her addiction and healing journey as well as the disastrous relationships she had been in during those times. The songs are total earworms for me but more than anything, it feels so personal as though from my own experience even though I am not an addict and our healing looks so different.
I'm currently healing from my fall still, while I need to start getting ready for my move as well as dealing with my work life imploding. I am legitimately overwhelmed. Today I am sitting at my desk and almost paralyzed with dread.
And I have songs running through my brain. Snippets like "I still believe in me" and "it ain't black or white, it's all of the colors I recently discovered". Reminders. Words I'm trying to say to myself.
I'm scared. I've jumped so many times in this lifetime and this is the first time I'm deep down scared. I've never felt injured before. I haven't been this completely alone in many years. I don't have youth on my side and my resilience is at an all time low.
So Demi is currently keeping me believing in myself. I told Carolyn this morning that tomorrow will be exactly a month since I fell. In a month from today I'll probably be moved and unpacking. Time doesn't stop whether you're ready or not.
I hope you can give yourself grace, Lori, and the space to feel what you feel, because your feelings are legitimate.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be scared, and a right to feel alone (I have strong feelings about your local family, and don't get me started on your sister), because capitalism is an asshole, basically.
I hope you can find some comfort in those of us who love you, even through a distance. We may not be able to do a lot physically to help you, but we love you and will do what we can otherwise to help.
Remember that: we love you.