Finding the One

 Growing up, we were force fed the Happily Ever After myth. Born in 1958, I played with Barbies in the 60s and make-up in the 70s.All I wanted was to fit in and find a boyfriend. I didn't do either.

I was never thin and so I was never "okay". I had boys mock my body for my belly and my breasts while at home, my father sexualized me and separated my ability to live inside of that same body by touching it inappropriately and making comments about me and other women constantly. 

When you live with a misogynist, it chips away at you.

I just wanted a boyfriend and I wanted to be left alone.

Fast forward: at age 43 I become a mother through adoption. I have been sexually active since age 36 (yes, you read that right. The hormones woke up and I started bed crawling. I would fuck anyone with a penis because it felt fabulous but my brain was imploding still because I just wanted a boyfriend who could keep my body feeling good as well as my brain feeling good but that wasn't happening.)

There's a great reason for therapy.

But still I remained brain fucked a bit and then my mother died and my life changed and Mollie and I started a different life, just the two of us, in a new place and we settled in. And I stopped caring about men altogether. Book boyfriends were the only men I was interested in. My life was Mollie and getting by and we struggled a shit ton but our bond became something I'd never had before.

When Mollie was 4 years old, I met Carolyn on a fan forum and she messaged me regarding a story I was writing and we started a friendship. I called Carolyn before I called my siblings when my mother died. We started talking daily, sharing everything. Carolyn is the most non-judgmental, generous friend I've ever had. And at the times when I feel like I take too much from her, she'll point out that she feels overwhelmed by what I've given her and it all sets itself right again.

I met Lea through the same fan forum. I met a lot of women there and many there are still bonds and will be forever. Lea and I had an instant shared sense of humor and we spam each other daily with jokes and memes. Lea and I have a running plan to vacation together and I always tell her that we won't be doing any of that "lesbean" stuff but I do plan to cuddle her and big spoon her. Because that's who we are.

During that time Carolyn and I discovered Romancelandia a whole community of women. We/I connected to the lovely Az and Willa. Through social media other connections were made.

And one day I realized I no longer wanted a boyfriend or to fit in. I realized that I had been fed lies my entire life. The connection I had always longed for existed within the communities that women made. If I have a soulmate she's an old Southern Canadian lady in Selma Alabama whom I have never met fac to face but gave my heart to 20 years ago and she's nurtured it in ways a man never could.

My family is here: when I feel lost or sad or alone, I reach out through the void online with an email or a blog post and my women are there. I am comforted by you all. I am sustained.I I feel heard and cared for and I feel lucky.

And I love you all so much. Because I don't have to see your face to know your heart. I don't have to call you family to be nurtured by you. That we all come back to each other in different spaces is all the commitment I need. 

Thank you ladies.