The End of Men by Christina Sweeney-Baird

 

Only men carry the virus. Only women can save us all.

The year is 2025, and a mysterious virus has broken out in Scotland--a lethal illness that seems to affect only men. When Dr. Amanda MacLean reports this phenomenon, she is dismissed as hysterical. By the time her warning is heeded, it is too late. The virus becomes a global pandemic--and a political one. The victims are all men. The world becomes alien--a women's world.

What follows is the immersive account of the women who have been left to deal with the virus's consequences, told through first-person narratives. Dr. MacLean; Catherine, a social historian determined to document the human stories behind the "male plague"; intelligence analyst Dawn, tasked with helping the government forge a new society; and Elizabeth, one of many scientists desperately working to develop a vaccine. Through these women and others, we see the uncountable ways the absence of men has changed society, from the personal--the loss of husbands and sons--to the political--the changes in the workforce, fertility, and the meaning of family.

I have to write about this book. Because, and I shit you not, this was one of the best books I ever read.

I told Carolyn that we have to reopen the blog so I can talk about it.

So here we go: this book is about a pandemic. And since we're still in the damned pandemic obviously it runs deeper reading about one. But this one is so...  I heard about it on TikTok. They were talking about feminist books and this one caught my fancy: a plague that kills all men. Sign me up!

Except the book is so much. It's told only from women's perspectives and it rends your heart. Each story as it happens. Beginning with the first patient and the doctor who recognizes what's happening. And then the deaths. The sons, husbands, fathers. Each one tearing at someone's heart.

But so much more. Imagine losing your husband and son but your best friend has a husband whose immune and daughters. The jealousy. The hell of trying not to blame your friend but hating to the depth of your being.

I can't (and won't) try to critique the book in any kind of professional way. This book ripped my heart out. I read a few pages and had to put it down to feel what I read. It honestly took weeks to read because I needed to stop constantly to get into my feels.

Other amazing things about the book: it doesn't shy away from politics. Or what women would have to face without men. What would happen to our military? What would happen to communist countries if women took them over? Would we have food? Electricity? Garbage pick up?

Everything she writes makes sense. I loved every word. 

I wouldn't suggest this book to anyone/everyone. Being in a pandemic currently, I think this book would be hard to read (it was for me). But if you're willing to let your heart get torn out of your chest, this book is amazing. I loved it so much.

Wednesday

I just love this picture of Murder. 

Anyway... today was the day I was supposed to see my sister for lunch but then I canceled because, well... you know. I'm feeling so good about my choice. I wanted to see her but not the rest of them. I have love for my sisters-in-law but there's a lot of mixed feelings with it. 

I saw a TikTok video where a woman was saying that since she distanced herself from certain members of the family, time has allowed other family members to really see and understand the toxic behavior. When the "lightening rod" of the family is removed, where does all that extra sparkle go? 

Anyway, I've been very isolated lately and I'm finding that it's quite soothing. I haven't been reading but I've been listening to a lot of different music and loving it. I've been tinkering in the apartment and love it.

I've also given up on prescribed meal times and eat when I'm hungry. The other day I had dinner at 3:30. Last night I ate celery and dip at about 8. My body is finally being listened to. It's extraordinary. Very calming.

Today is grocery day and that excites me. So much cheese waiting to be eaten.

Anyway: just a check in. I'm back to following politics a little because I'm starting to feel safe in my space. And Elon Musk buying Twitter? Well fuck. All these billionaires who could solve world hunger (or even childhood hunger/poverty) without taking a financial hit but they'd rather spend 44 billion on buying a platform to make people stop hurting their feelings.

Men are too damned fragile. Seriously. They all see themselves as alpha and warriors and yet watch them at their lives. Most men would fold if living in our lives. Women take pain and turn it into beauty. Men take pain and shoot up nightclubs.

Okay, enough. I am going to go buy cheese. And crackers. And a salad pack or 2. Life is so good...

Viva Democracy!

 

Now I remember why I stayed off Twitter: it's nice to be ignorant of how the world is sliding into tyranny and demagoguery. People are angry that they can't say the racist shit out loud without some liberal trying to take away their First Amendment Rights. Others are angry because they can't just demand sex from women and have to take no for an answer.

Democrats are trying to take away your guns, fuck your children, turn your children either gay or trans, give people free cell phones, drive women to abortion clinics in state funded Cadillacs. Democrats have become the enemy because well, we're okay with non-binary people and yeah, America was built on slavery and you can't make it a good thing. 

They really do hate us. I saw that with my brother. Over the course of 7 or 8 years when I lived with him how we had differences but we could talk. He likes guns. I do not. He could talk to me without his voice rising about it. We didn't always agree but we remained polite. (We rarely agreed but we remained polite.)

Then Trump happened. And Black Lives Matter. And in the span of 4 years the disagreements turned into rage and and democracy became something people no longer believed in.

Why Black Lives Matter? (My opinion). Because in saying Black Lives Matter, we are saying that black people have it harder than us. That the system is biased and it kills them while we (white people) thrive. By admitting that black lives matter we are admitting that we have held up a racist system and we need change.

I am not responsible for racism. I don't consider myself racist although I'm far from a perfect ally. Black Lives Matter. I believe it. My brother doesn't. And why? Because by centering on the systemic racism in our country, we alter the conversation from where it belongs: on the oppressed white man. Black lives don't matter more than I do, screams the Republican. My life is hard, he whines. People are demanding that I respect others while they don't respect me.

Anyway, on a personal note I was unpacking some of the shit of how my relationship with my brother changed. How he went from one of my favorite people on the planet to someone I want to avoid. Why was I associating my brother with trauma in my brain? It was Trump, is what I kept telling myself but here's the thing...

In the 4+ years of Trump and Black Lives Matter, my brother got angrier. It got personal. Non-binary people, living their own lives, affects the foundation of what my brother believes. He's being asked to show them a modicum of respect and leave them alone but no... it's an affront to his world. To the 1950 fantasy of being the man of the house and being respected by everyone because he has the job, the car, the house. He has the toys. He is the man.

And the more the world changes, the angrier he becomes. Black people saying the police kill them. Black on black crime is bigger than police killing, he says. Women want to have abortions. Abortion isn't birth control, he says while forgetting that he's paid for two in his past. And non-binary people? What if I identify as a helicopter?

And it wasn't that I got exhausted or sick of the conversation. The conversation got angrier. He attacked more. He was enraged. And his jokes about being armed were a little more frequent.

Trigger warning: trauma

So I realized that I was living in a house where I became the face of the enemy. I believe black lives matter. I believe that gender binary is a social construct and I really adore non-binary choices. I don't think America is a Christian country, abortions are healthcare and the patriarchy is killing us.

And when my brother screamed at me and called me that bitch, my safety changed. I was living with a man with multiple weapons who saw me as an enemy. I didn't plan on moving out, I didn't want to move out. But I had to move out. It's why I was miserable from November to February because my life turned upside down and I didn't understand what happened. And every time I've seen my brother since, he's been unsmiling, dour, unhappy.

And I finally realized that I've been in flight mode because I believe he can kill me and if provoked, would. I am no longer his sister. I am no longer someone he loves. I am the face of what makes his life wrong. Fox News and Donald Trump made me my brother's enemy and my brother is an enraged white, Christian, 1950s loving man who wants to stomp the shit out of something.

He scares me. So I left my family, I left the news and I've been in hiding (in a way). 

Shit... that's a lot to unpack. I need a cookie.

Burnout

 I love my hair. (Just paying myself a compliment. It's something Emily Nagaski, PhD said we should do in the Netflix series Pleasure. She said we should stand in front of the mirror every day and say what we like about our bodies. We might learn to like them better if we're kinder to them. (I don't plan on doing this daily on the blog, just thought I'd start here.)

Emily Nagaski, PhD with her sister wrote the book Burnout, the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle which is also the base of the therapy I'm doing currently. Interestingly, my therapist never heard of the book and I think I'm going to send her a copy because both book and therapist also touch on body issues, diet culture and how the patriarchy is destroying us.

Anyway, this week has been extremely difficult. A lot of stresses building up and releasing through body work, tears and 2 food binges that were acknowledged and stopped. 

My sister and her wife arrive on island today. I had planned not to see them but then my sister called and asked me to change my mind. I accommodated her but then food binged and had therapy and realized that seeing my sister and my 2 sister in laws was too much for me right now. I texted my sister and told her that I would love to see her but only her. She hasn't responded. I don't think she will.

Just realized: if you compromise on your boundaries when you're just learning to set them, that's like 100 steps backwards. 

Ha. Seriously just happened a minute ago: I sent an email status report to my boss about a new process we're doing and he wrote back and said he wants to have a brief chat this weekend to catch up. He's done this before and not called. So I replied : can you give me a time estimation so I don't start feeling anxious if I haven't heard from you?

Okay: second cup of coffee. Back to work. Happy weekend y'all.

Happy Easter/Passover/Sunday

 Well in strict defiance of all Passover rules and traditions, I'm baking bread today. Huge urge to smell yeast and make something basic and beautiful. Peanut butter cookies too. Dinner is shrimp and rice so obviously I'm going to be bonding with my kitchen today.

My position as Office Bitch has been secured now. I was working a week ahead and every overbooked appointment got an email to the person who made the appointment (cc'ing the Doctor and Office Manager) telling that person to fix it. They wouldn't listen and now they they're going to get dinged.

Also, a huge problem in the office with insurance verification keeps happening and it became obvious that it was bound to become my problem. So I took a day to look at the problem and realized that the best solution made it my job to fix. Which actually means that the girls not doing their jobs properly just added more hours to my paycheck. Since I've been working about a 72 hour paycheck, they just increased it to an 80 hour paycheck.

And the best part? This is what I love to do. Sit with a bunch of schedules and verify insurance online. Since I can sit with my feet up on my couch, a world of cushions behind me, a cat knocking things over somewhere in the distance... ha! Thanks ladies. More money doing something I enjoy.

So time to find a bread recipe I want to do today. Love to all you glorious women. 

What's Up With the Big Grrrls?

 I'm late to the party but I just met Lizzo. And to say that I'm in love would be an understatement. I'm in awe, in shock, in wonder, in amazement and yes, in love. 

Amazon Prime has a show "Watch Out for the Big Grrrls" and it's (sorry Lea) a reality TV show where Lizzo is looking for dancers to join her tour. She has 13 women, aged 20 - mid 30s audition. Those that make the cut move into a  house together: they dance, learn choreography and have a Lizzo inspired, life changing experience.

Can I mention that all these women are big? From big thighs and poochy bellies to big ass women who jiggle everything when they walk. Their thighs all meet, their boobs all hang and they are the fucking fiercest women. Like Lizzo herself.

The thing about this show is that it's not a standard reality show. When someone falls they're praised and lifted for getting back up again. When someone is noticed to have a difficult personality (multiple small skirmishes with multiple women), she's booted. No drama, no hate. This is a show about lifting women up. And celebrating all bodies, all women.

Did you know Lizzo just started a shapewear line called Yitty? OMG. The clothes are for big girls and  the models are big girls! Not some size 16 Lane Bryant types. 

Anyway, as someone starting a self-love journey, this show brought a lot of tearful moments. There was so much as the women shared their journeys. As Lizzo herself talked about how hard it is to love yourself when the world is out there telling you that fat equals unlovable.

If someone can't love me because of the size of my stomach, their love wouldn't be worth getting. Oh, which is another thing Lizzo keeps telling the women: don't listen to the people who say you can't, even if you're one of the people saying it yourself.

Anyway, I'm a little Lizzo & Harry Styles crazy right now. Talk about people who make you feel better by their existence. And of course Harry & Lizzo are friends.

I love this world.

Vegging Out

 

I haven't gained weight. At least, not in any significant way. And this is me spending 2 months with no eating restrictions, ice cream almost nightly and complete freedom in my kitchen. This is also me with a huge craving for salads and veg dinners because my veg game has been ignored.

My therapist says that as trauma is addressed and a person lives peacefully in their body, a weight shift should happen naturally. And I believe that. I believe that now because I put my scale away awhile ago but weighed myself this morning and after everything, I'm 220. So up maybe 5 pounds.

But yesterday I was planning my grocery list and I just thought that I want to go into the produce section and blow my budget. I'm craving a lot more greens than I've been eating. I also realized that I'm ready to stop buying ice cream and fill up my bins with fruit (I'm craving strawberries).

Other decisions I recently made: 

1. Not painting the wall. It would look good but it's more than I want to do at this time and the space is pretty as is.

2. Not to buy storage solutions for my fridge. They look so cool but I'm one person and don't need that kind of organization when I'm just buying/keeping for one. Don't need a solution for where a problem doesn't exist.

3. Bye bye drink station. Don't need it. Love it but it's wasting space I need.

4. Time to think outside the box with work space. My organizing needs to be within reach, compact and something that makes me smile. Right now I'm rearranging space and playing with storage outside the box (everything is in little boxes and now we're giving my collection of make-up bags a try).

Anyway, payday is tomorrow and so I'm getting my shopping lists together. My cupboards are a little bare and I'm planning to fill it all up.

And I might need to get a Feral Spinster t-shirt made. Time to show Murder isn't the only one with claws in this house.

Improper Ladies

 Carolyn and I were talking this morning and we talked about nursing homes and I said that nowadays instead of sweet, old grannies sitting around talking about their grandchildren, it would be crusty, old grannies comparing what members of the band they blew.

And fitting it into my current world view and hate of the systems that tie us down (the patriarchy, capitalism) I just want to be an improper, unforgiving, angry old woman. And while I'm at it: let me mention that selfish needs to hit that list. I am so done with being worried that I want things. I know that wanting isn't selfish. Taking care of myself isn't selfish.

And having boundaries will never be selfish.

We've become part of the invisible nation. Old women, people with disabilities, the unattractive. We don't enhance the view so we should step out. 

Funny how we lose our sexual attractiveness and find our voice. We stop existing for the male gaze and exist for ourselves. 

(There was a young man in the stairwell next to my apartment practicing his rapping. He might as well have been sitting on my couch with me. So I turned on my TV to a cooking show and he left immediately. Now the TV is off and my apartment is quiet, the way I like it. The accommodating woman has left and this old lady is here instead.)  

Toothless

 I had three teeth extracted yesterday. It wasn't planned. I had an abscessed tooth and expected to get it out. The dentists said that the 3 all together in that space needed to get pulled and gone they were.

In 3 weeks, another 3 are getting extracted. Two from the other side, bottom, and one near the center that broke partially.

I'm unhappy about this. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you want to hide your face.

So I went and did a google search for toothless women to use and realized that one: almost all the pictures the women were smiling or laughing, 2: I don't need to use an image to suggest that I feel something is unattractive because it's in the eye of the beholder and those women weren't unattractive.

Anyway, I'm feeling down about it but also kind of happy that the extraction gave me an excuse to not have to see my family.

Feel sorry for me, though. This is depressing as fuck.

Ka-Boom Baby

 So my sister and her wife are coming later this month and staying with my brother and his wife. They haven't made any plans that include me, I was told that they'll be camping down in Volcano and might come by after. However they'll have 3 dogs with them so I don't expect that will happen.

And I've been waiting to feel that familiar pain of lack of family care or respect but it's kind of missing this time. The truth is that every time my sister and her wife visit, I modulate the shit out of myself. I try to be a lot less me. My sister's wife doesn't like me much and I've done so much to turn that around and now I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.

If they don't want to spend time with me that's perfectly fine. I'm done trying to squeeze into spaces that don't want to make room for me. And that includes family spaces and people's hearts.

I'm starting to see myself in a new light. My therapist tells me that I'm a truth teller, there isn't any bullshit in my observations. I accept that. I have emotional clarity. 

This is going to be like consent. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no.

Ha: I just wrote that line and asked myself what about my consent? What about my choice in seeing them? Do I want to be around my family? They're all somewhat toxic. What a whoa. This just became a different game. 

Do I want to see my family this month? What do I want? What do I want?

Wallpapering the Fridge

 

It really works.

The front of the fridge has some not great spots but overall I love it and it breaks up the white.

Funny and not funny at the same time: after I finished I had dinner and then was feeling really weird. I realized that I had done something I really wanted to do, something I had built up in my mind and now it was done, it wasn't that much effort and I didn't have a clue how to feel about it. Without having a critical voice involved, it made me feel very strange.

I also got my shower head replaced to a hand held and my kitchen faucet with an aerator (under $10 at Walmart). 

And a great cleaning hack: I got a dishwashing brush (about $3 at Walmart)

and filled it with Dawn and white vinegar. Put it in the shower and when I was done showering, just wiped down the tub with the brush and rinsed and I cleaned the tub in 3 seconds,

So the weekend is almost here. Murder and I have some serious cleaning and cuddling plans. Probably will make cookies.

Life is good.

Color Question

 This is a little indented area in the living room with my pretty chair, bookshelf... it makes me happy because the colors just sing to my soul. Anyway, I want to paint it and I really want to paint it a pale yellow because yellow has become my go-to, happy color and I feel like if I choose a really pale shade and maybe throw in a hot red something in there to break up the color it could work...

Do you all agree? Or do you think that would be too much yellow?

Generic Blog Post

 I'll be honest: I've written 4 or 5 blog posts and then deleted them. The thing is that right now I'm in a good place with work, with therapy, with the cat. The apartment looks great, I'm sleeping well. I eat okay and I'm not binge eating.

The scale is in the closet for the time being because I don't care how much I weigh. I just finished the quilt top for my quilt that I've been working on for over a year and it's fucking gorgeous. Now it's time to finish Carolyn's quilt. After that I'm going to start making monster dolls and see how crazy and fun I can make them.

Life is calm. No major highs or lows and that's new and nice. 

A little boring though.

Sunshine and Lollipops

 

 Yesterday was an amazing day. There was no reason for it, but I put on my favorite dress in the morning, put on jewelry, and worked. Got a lot done, but felt really connected and contained and just damned happy. 

Today my legs are a little achy but I'm wearing my Monbebe shirt (favorite piece of clothing) and my bracelet from Megan that says SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD, SO SHE DID and the IT elves did some magic while I slept and my scanner is working again so lots will be accomplished but I'm not feeling the same bliss but I'm not unhappy and I'm trying to decide what makes a person emotionally okay and should I quit therapy?

That's a mouthful, isn't it?

If I'm being honest with myself, which is unfortunately one of the things I'm really good at doing, therapy is a positive and I'm not at a good place to stop. Even if I don't wake up one day and miraculously have the healthiest outlook of my lifetime, therapy is helping me look at the behaviors and beliefs that hold me back from happiness. 

Oh God... talking to Mollie last night and I mentioned that everyone in my family has said something damaging that I've never been able to shake and Mollie wanted to storm into our family group chat on Facebook and tell everyone off. She was lining up insults for them all. I'm tearing up thinking about it. 

I think that I've spent this lifetime and never had anybody of importance in my life fight for me. Nobody ever tried to protect me or make me feel worthy of protection. Mollie would burn down the world for me. (Believe it or not, so would Carolyn. She used to get into it with the Ubers on the ID site defending my snarky ass. Sorry: no translation to those who were not Divas at the same time.)

Anyway, I think part of my problem is that I've spent 63 years fighting for myself and I'm tired. And my self esteem has taken quite a pounding from all these years of being dismissed, hurt and under-appreciated. And therapy doesn't necessarily make it better, it just makes you aware and being aware hurts.

And maybe the food and the shopping and the obsessive behaviors allow one to be unaware for awhile and not hurt.

Anyway, this is a perfect time to make a pot of coffee and defrost a Costco muffin. I'm going to have a great workday and Mollie and I are having a movie night tonight. I asked Megan if she and Joe would spend a day with me in the future hanging pictures, changing out my showerhead and she just said yes. So I'm smiling again.

It's going to be okay. That's the reason I never give up. Because as hard as it sometimes is, there's always sunshine and songs and reasons to smile.

Love you all.

It Works vs Not a Chance in Hell

 So my daughter lives in a studio apartment in Tokyo which is a fucking mess. OMG! We FaceTime and I see her floor and piles of laundry and garbage and stuff and I freak out a little and she laughs at me and then I remember my apartment at that age was similar. I was messy as heck.

Nowadays I can't leave my bed unmade without feeling like I've failed at life. Which got me to thinking about what I used to love then versus now and how much it's all changed.

1. Hot baths. Used to take baths a few times a week. Nowadays I do it rarely. It's just not as comforting somehow. Although sometimes (on a cold night), it's still a delight.

2. Masturbation. Used to do it nightly. Now I do it rarely and usually give up shortly after I start because it's too much work. Sleep is so much better than orgasms.

3. Movies. Used to love them. Now I don't often have the ability to give anything my attention that long. I usually watch a sitcom and doze during it.

4. Chocolate. I'd rather have ice cream if I want something sweet. And I used to be such a chocoholic.

5. Fast food. Never hot enough and gives me a stomach ache.

6. Men. Used to like them. Now I don't. 

7. Binge reading. Now this I miss. I used to read all the time. Now I don't and I miss it. And nowadays it's easy to put a book down and I used to never be able to do that.

What about you? Anybody have anything to add to the list?

Weekly Menus, Repair Plans and Coffee

My coffee/drink station. It was one of the first things I set up in my apartment and still makes me happy to see. And I'm a hydration station girl. I have coffee every morning, I had a pitcher of pink lemonade in the fridge as well as cold brew, cherry/pomegranate juice and filtered water.

Love me my drinks.

My oils. Soy sauce and pan spray. The light green contains vegetable oil and the blue/grey has olive oil. The skull has white vinegar in it and I love pouring it in the sink with baking soda and watching it bubble up and I feel so witchy.

I found this at the thrift store. It's my spoon rest. I love it. I love china and this sort of ultra feminine stuff I adore. One day I want to buy a whole set of china like this: they sometimes have it at the thrift store but it's spendy. I would so absolutely use it as my everyday china.

My biggest happiness on Saturday: finally found the aisle in Walmart where all the kitchen stuff I needed was hidden. So I got a little sponge organizer for my sink and a dish rack. They also have all the boxes to organize the junk drawer which I plan to buy later. God, I love love love organizational tools. Marie Kondo is my jam.

So this is my bathtub and that's chinks in the porcelain. I have a lot of decolorization on the rim and top also. I didn't think there was anything I could do about it but discovered that Amazon sells porcelain paint. So it's on my list for my next Amazon purchase. I'm getting white and ivory to mix and going to touch it all up.

I also need to do something with my bathroom mirror. It has a raw edge and looks awful. I saw a hack on TikTok that's just wrap black electrical tape around it to make it look finished. I might try that if I can't find a more appealing idea.

Another new thing I'm trying is menu planning. I emptied my freezer and then reorganized it as well as listed everything I have. Then I planned a week's menu with notes. So tonight I'll make egg roll in a bowl to use up the last of my cole slaw pack and one of three ground turkey packs. Last night I made pork ribs which added three packs of single servings of ribs to the freezer as well as 1 serving for leftovers later in the week.

As a single person I don't need to buy a lot and everything I buy gives me multiple meals. And this way I'm taking all the "what do I want to cook?" angst out because it's planned and some of it is already prepped.

I also have a weekly cleaning calendar but I don't think that's going to work for me. We'll see on that.

Okay, that's my blathering about uninteresting stuff right now. Back to work.

Time Off

 

Taking a few days off work to catch my breath. Didn't make any big plans: in fact, I'm thinking of canceling all plans and just playing at my craft desk making monster dolls. They're just something I started for fun and creatively are very satisfying. 

I did travel across island yesterday to spend time with my friend Megan which was nice. Even nicer is the next day when the only reasons to move are self-determined. I'm supposed to go tomorrow and play with another friend but I might cancel and just stay home and play with dolls.

Hit the thrift store yesterday and found a gorgeous piece of china that is now my spoon rest on the stove. Got a purse, weekly calendars, a pillow. Went to the fabric store and got a shitload of buttons. 

Spent the morning making monster doll parts and now it's time to wash the floor. I have a closet of cleaning stuff and no motivation (outside of the incredible mess my floors are).

I have so little to say but wanted to say hi. 

Peanut Butter Bread and Epiphany

 

Well it was a disappointment, to be honest. Smelled amazing while it baked and I might just bake it again for the alone. But it really didn't zing with the taste of peanut butter. I only wonder if using almond milk instead of regular milk has anything to do with it. But I kind of don't think so. 

Ingredients:

2 cups flour

4 tsp baking powder

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 tsp salt

1 & 1/3 cup milk

1/2 cup peanut butter

Mix together. Bake 1 hour in a well buttered loaf pan at 325.

Hope you enjoy it more than I did.

Epiphany: I saw a TikTok of a woman who wallpapered her fridge and it was awesome So pretty. I want to do it.

And I want to wallpaper my plain white bookshelf with the water stains.

I want an orange slipcover for my couch.

I want to minimize my office space and maximize my living space.

And I'm not obsessive or unhealthy in wanting these things and wanting to do these things. Your home is a huge extension of who you are and wanting to make your home suit you. feel more comfortable and comforting is just another expression of self care.

It's time to stop worrying if I'm healthy/having good brain. It's better to start enjoying and expressing and celebrating my life and myself.

The Weekend So Far

 Murder was supposed to have his/her/their first vet appointment but after losing a pint of blood to those murder mittens, I had to admit to a complete fail. We have a lot of trust work before that's going to happen.

On a positive note, I did get some cream for his/her/their skin and I have a soft collar on order so I can begin working on some healing for them anyway. 

So the above picture is a brush I picked up for cleaning vents. It's still a little short for my bathroom vent so I'll try the broom. But... the windows in my apartment have the screen on the inside and the glass panels on the outside and there are little bug bodies on the outside of the screen. Kind of ugly to be honest. 

That above mentioned brush was excellent. I scrubbed the inside of the screens and the bristles dislodged those bugs and I'm no longer looking at bug corpses when I want to look at the ocean. Since I live on the third floor (in a roundabout way) there was no way to clean the windows from outside. So big win.

I made fried chicken for the first time in my life last night. Yeah, I know that sounds sad. But honestly I really don't fry food in oil and why make fried chicken when you can buy it everywhere? But I wanted to do it myself and it was meh. I did a double dipping which made the skin way too thick. Didn't like. And I seasoned the flour mixture but it didn't taste seasoned at all. Not sure what I should have done there.

It cooked well enough and all but was bland. Not sure I want to do it again.

So it's still morning and I plan to spend the rest of the day cleaning, baking peanut butter bread (why not?) and doing my nails. Also just saw the movie Free Guy and it was delightful. Not often that I watch a movie and immediately would be willing to watch again so ... if you can, do watch.

I'll post about the bread later.

Clean Tok

 

Obsession. I don't think that's something I can hide from. Is it the same as having an addiction? I don't know. I just know that my life seems to operate in moving from one obsession to the next.

So what do I do when I don't have one? When I'm trying to keep my mind free of obsessive clutter and bad brain? I go on Tik Tok and discover the exciting world (and new obsession) of Clean Tok.

Yes, it's really called Clean Tok. And it's professional cleaners, stay at homes, work full timers... oh hell, it's everyone. And they film themselves cleaning. And they give advice. Hacks. Product reviews. It is... dare I say... a healthy obsession.

I'm neat as heck but not necessarily clean. I like things put away. Dishes don't sit in the sink for long. But my cleaning is a Swifter mop and clorox wipes. So my place never looks or smells really clean (then add a cat and cat litter to the mix and yikes!) 

So I decided to try and choose my obsession and make this work for me. Walmart had most everything I needed. I started small with the toilet, tub and sink. 2 out of 3 sparkle. I need to get the close to wall grime on the toilet so I missed on that one. But the tub is super clean and I took a bath last night and truly relaxed after scrubbing it so well.

Anyway, I'm kind of happy with this. I'm only doing one small area a day to be kind to my knees. So tonight I'm going to clean the bedroom floor (new spinning mop and bucket and Fabulosa cleaner... I feel like cleaning royalty). Ha!

Let me know if you have any favorite cleaning tips. I'm going to start posting pictures of some of my organizational things soon because I love them. As well as some of my hacks for enjoying my space and using things I have in more interesting ways.

Mood

 It's a mood.

A bad mood.

Bad Weekend: Good Awareness

I had an epiphany today. It's almost embarrassing but well... it was also interesting. I was window shopping on Amazon, adding multiple things to my lists of what I want to buy and I suddenly thought "I don't really want this." Which led me to looking at my lists and realizing that outside of my book list: I really don't need any of these things.

But the epiphany was recognizing that shopping has become what eating was. It's a way to fill a hole deep inside that's crying out for "more". Once a long time ago, a bag of cookies or chips temporarily filled that hole. Long ago, sex was used to fill it. And now Amazon does.

So I destroyed my lists. Emptied my cart of all but a few things. And I found myself sitting here right now in my home, facing that emptiness again and asking myself what's a healthy way to take care of this?

And yes, that's one of the things I'm in therapy to figure out. But I also know myself damn well and I'm here in this place at this time with awareness and honesty and the ability to do this right. So no Amazon. No cookies. No filling the air with Bobby Flay or K-dramas... 

And the question is: how do you fill that void that can't be filled? 

So I'm writing about it. Acknowledging it. Feeling what it feels like inside. It's not going to hurt me and I'm not going to hurt me to fill it. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath. Maybe I'll listen to the Hamilton soundtrack. Maybe I'll read and pet the cat.

Maybe I'll just close my eyes and feel it without filling it.

I also had another thought today: I miss me. Before I moved to Hawaii I was really enjoying cooking and baking. I was creative and people around me nurtured that. My friend Clark once said that shortly after we met I baked a cake and it was "Love at First Bite." I thought highly of myself in the kitchen and it was fun.

Living with others, and one who really is a good cook, eroded my belief in myself and my abilities. And the "funny" cutting down of my abilities or supposed lack, made me start to hate cooking. And why bake when all you hear is "we're not dessert people" or "don't make that for me because I don't like sugar."

I miss me. I miss being in the kitchen and making things I want to eat and I enjoy eating. I miss having all the ingredients to make a cake if I suddenly decide I want to bake a cake.

So this week I'm going to get all the baking items I need. I'm not planning on making bread right away or anything. But I want to have it so I can. So the woman who loves making something good can start doing that again. And I have 2 different neighbors right now that I can share with so it's a win-win. I nurture myself and others when I bake and I lost that for the last seven years.

Anyway, it's been an emotionally hard weekend. A young man of my family's acquaintance took his life and Myrna and I are both taking it a little hard. And I have the hole inside calling out loudly this weekend and all I can do is recognize it and not try to fill it. I'm tired. I'm sad. 

It's okay. Tomorrow is always a new day and there's always joy. Right now I'm going to go be quiet and let my body cry. 

 

Therapy

 

I promised myself I wasn't going to regurgitate my therapy appointments on the blog. And I'm most definitely going to keep that promise. 

Believe it or not, even I think some things are too personal to share.

But I did start therapy and for the first time in my 63 years of life: I finally have the right therapist. Now I realize that being born in 1958 and starting therapy in the 70s, there was not going to be the knowledge out there that there is now.

And being completely honest: sometimes the therapy I had was more harmful than the situations I was in therapy for. I still wince thinking of some of the therapists I've crossed paths with. Some of the things said that cut my soul.

The therapist I'm seeing was in the bariatric program when I met her and she was on her way out to start private practice. Unlike the other therapists in the program, she was open to the why of weight. She's also pursuing a career in 'trauma therapy' and well, I've decided that most women born in the 1950s - the 2000s probably have trauma (little, teeny-tiny joke there).

Anyway... I never thought that I would be in my 60s and start the work of healing my childhood. I never thought there was someone out there who actually says "eat the cookie" and has reasons why the cookie can be a good thing in your life.

I never thought there was anyone who could hear my truth without judgment and tell me that there can be healing.

And I absolutely never dreamed that instead of shame: there's life. And there's light. 

Murder, she Purred

 

I didn't expect this cat. She has cloudy eyes because apparently fire ants damaged them. Many, many missing patches of fur. A few healing cuts. Her tail looks just like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

I'm not a woman who ever chooses the broken one because I can fix it. But this one... I was there with Megan and Joe and all the cats kept coming to us for attention and then wandering away. She didn't leave. She stayed and waited calmly and kept reminding us she was available for petting. And when it was finally between her and a Siamese with no issues, she got aggressive and swatted away anyone who approached. She staked her claim.

I like letting the cat choose me. She chose, I agreed. 

The shelter is a no kill shelter that takes anyone and everyone and unfortunately were chaotic as heck. There was no information on any of the cats. She had no name, no health history, nothing. All I know for sure is that she's fixed and she got treated for fleas.

She's desperate for attention. She's freaked out being in an apartment where there's a lot of foot traffic outside but hopefully she gets used to it. When she's not scared of strangers though she's asking why this human has 2 hands and nether is petting her.

I was going to name her Bebe but Mollie hated the name. We got it down to 2 names: Bebe and Murder Mittens. (She has huge paws and Mollie calls them murder mittens and that's shockingly accurate.) So we let the cat decide. The cat decided on Murder.

So I'm living with Murder. I'm hoping that in a month or more there will be a lot more healing for her and her fur and well... everything (she's scrawny as heck too). And some healing for me now that I have someone to cuddle.

Me and Murder. Murder and me. 

Weekend: Reality vs. Imagination

 

It's Saturday morning. There are some things going on this weekend that have me a little stressed. So I thought I would post what's going to happen and what I think/imagine will take place and then later post what did, in fact, happen.

1. My brother and SIL are coming over today. She's never seen my apartment and he's never seen it with all the furniture.

Imagination: First of all I have to clean only because my floors are really dusty. And I need to take out garbage. But I imagine my SIL will think it's a huge mess. She'll point out my bad housekeeping and I'll feel bad.

It's SIL's birthday and bro is taking her out to lunch, they're coming over after. I'm not making any food because I'm sure they'll be full and they aren't dessert people. But I do have a bevy of drinks. But I imagine they'll be pissed cause there's nothing to eat.

Most of all I'm afraid that they won't find my place as cute as I do and I'll feel a little less about it.

REALITY: My SIL loved my  place. She was complimentary and said it felt cozy and cute and she made my heart swell. My brother was tired and grumpy and didn't say much of anything.

2. My friend Megan is supposed to come over from Kona tomorrow and bring a litter box and litter and then we're driving to an animal sanctuary and I'm adopting a cat.

Imagination: Megan won't come.

If Megan doesn't come then I have to buy a litter box and litter and adoption fees for a cat and my budget is already stretched and this will take it too far and I'll have to wait till my next payday.

Or Megan will come and forget the cat box and litter.

I'm thinking that even though the cat sanctuary is open every day it will be closed on Sunday.

I'm worried that there won't be a cat for me. 

I'm worried that all the cats will hate me.

I'm worried that no matter how much I've planned and prepared, a cat will destroy my new couch. 

I'm worried the cat will pee or poop all over everything.

REALITY: Megan just texted that she's on her way. With litter and box.

REALITY: There were plenty of cats that needed a home and I chose the one that was craving touch. She never left our sides and started chasing other cats away if they stayed too long getting pet. She's scrawny, has a bad eye and patchy fur and my heart is so full.

So I'll let you know how the reality goes. 

On Becoming the Office Bitch

 I'm blessed and I know it. I've moved into my own place and I'm learning to love it. I work from home and went from scraping every penny to being able to start paying down some debt. I don't set an alarm anymore. My work day starts when I get up and choose to start it.

But I've taken a new role at work: the office bitch.

Caveat: if I were true blue bitch then my emails would include the bosses but they don't. I'm trying to keep the doc out of it. 

Still... yesterday I sent an email to all but the bosses pointing out the things that are being done that need to not happen. I tried to be nice. I acknowledged how hard everyone is working and how much stress they're under but I still slammed. Read the superbills! I screamed in bold font. Stop hiding insurance information from the biller I underlined.

Today I sent an email to a coworker asking her not to do something in the schedule that's upsetting (moving patient's appointment times and not communicating with the patients). She wrote back and said she's never done it. Now I don't like being this bitch but here we go: every appointment has a history attached starting when the appointment is made and then logging each person who touched it and what they did. I'm not stupid. It's right there in black and white.

So I wrote back and suggested that she log out of the computer every time she walks away from it because someone is obviously going into her computer and using her log in to fuck up the schedule. Bitch, please.

These are kids (one is 20, one is 23, one is 42 and one is a grandma). And I'm the matriarch of this family and I rap knuckles. I give side-eye. I am that bitch. But I also love each one of them because they all have some beautiful qualities and I want them to succeed. I want them to walk away from this job and walk into the next one and slay. 

And this is my last job. When this ends I'll start getting social security and work something part time like driving for Uber or something but this is the last full time job I'm going to have. So I'm going to enjoy it. And do my best. 

And be the bitch because I can. Because they need me. And because my attitude comes with cookies and juice boxes so bitch... do better and then give me a hug.

Happy V or G Day

 

Happy Valentines/Galentines/Thank God I'm Single Day.

Today I'm literally stealing/copying from AztecLady's blog. 

https://herhandsmyhands.wordpress.com/      If you're not following her, you should. Amazing book reviews, she shares her art and she's just the coolest of the cool women.

To that end, if by some obscure reason you hadn’t heard about this: Romancing the Vote is back!

Through that link, you can donate directly to Fair Fight using their ActBlue links, or go on to the auction and check out the almost 600 items on offer.

Celebrate true love, give someone you love (which can totally be yourself!) something lovely/amazing/unique, along with the satisfaction of knowing they’re helping fight for democracy.

The action runs from today, at 11AM CST to this Friday, February 18 at 8PM CST

Prepare yourself for five days of furious bidding!

The first time, in December 2020, romancelandia broke the auction site (and raised almost half a million dollars); they are probably better prepared this time around, but just in case: get in early, create your account, and prepare to keep a vigilant eye on what you want–trust no one, some of these items are highly coveted and one-of-a-kind.

So the above is a direct steal. If you're political, romantical or just love bidding wars: check it out.

And also: Az is doing a movie night (I'm so going to be there). Stealing again:

And it just so happens that this year I’m hosting #RomancelandiaMovieNight, to which you are all cordially invited: every month, on the 14th, we’ll watch a movie that meets the conventions of genre romance, and live-tweet it using the hashtag.

Per the rules, in February we do not watch on the 14th, so we’ll be watching it on Friday February 18, starting at 9pm Eastern.

The movie for this month is SYLVIE’S LOVE (2020). This is an amazon production, and thus, only available on Prime.

Seriously, can this month get any better? I've meant to watch Sylvie's Love and now I'm going to have the pleasure of doing so with some of my favorite people.

Hopefully, we'll see you all there.

Love is Blind

 LOVE IS BLIND is a show on Netflix where a group of strangers meet in little rooms, not seeing each other's faces, and fall in love, get engaged, then meet, go on a honeymoon, return to the real world and within a month get married or have a spectacular wedding melt-down where harsh words are said and someone walks out in tears.

Obviously, I love it.

So the first season was in America. Then there was a season in Brazil. Now there's a second season in America as well as a season in Japan. And holy matrimony Batman! this is some seriously demented shit.

In the first season there were 2 couples who actually made it (I assume one of those 2 couples is still together because they were true adults who worked together at creating something and they were careful and respectful of each other - they were also an interracial couple so there was a lot of care given to families). 

But the first season also had the messiest vacuous blonde ever, Jessica (nicknamed Messica by all who watched) so her ass kept things intriguing especially as she kept avoiding her fiancee and trying to steal someone else's. Good times.

The Brazil season was good because there was a disaster couple but in stunning contrast there was another adult-minded, caring couple who just worked quietly together keeping a bond and building it. When they said "I do" it was a moment of relief that there was no last minute contrived drama. 

The Brazil season also had a beautiful woman who appeared seriously hoochie-mama but was a truly deep, lovely woman who deserved so much better that the asshole she got. She said no at the altar and I just found myself really hoping that she finds someone who deserves her... Jason Mamoa is available now. I wonder if he might take a trip to Brazil...?

So now we have Season 2 in America and Season 1 in Japan and omg, this is ridiculous. The American cast has chosen a couple of fat people which excited the hell out of me when they showed up in the beginning... but we haven't seen a single one since. So we have the fake blonde brigade finding love but the overweight and unconventional beauties aren't even wallpaper. Don't even see them in the shots of the dorms.

Love might be blind but the Netflix camera-people sure as fuck aren't.

And this season is a lot more sexual. The couples are in the rooms talking dirty, comparing favorite sexual positions and basically embarrassing their poor parents. I really only like maybe 2 of the women and 1 man there because they all seem ... I don't know. They're hard to care about.

Now in Japan. Wow. Some couples have gotten engaged and they have yet to hold hands. They're polite. There's such a cultural chasm and it gives me whiplash. I really want every one of those couples to work out (except the baseball coach in Kenya and the singer-songwriter because she isn't very warm and I think he can do better). 

But it's the level of respect. In America the men propose and say things like "I love you. I see us having a bright future." In Japan the men say "I will protect you. I will take care of you." And saying that isn't about sexism or infantilizing the women but rather offering the basic assurance a man can give a woman: I will be on your side and work hard to keep you safe in an unsafe world".

Anyway, I'm probably putting a lot more into these shows than they deserve but I will say that I know love doesn't have to be done face to face because I love a lot of women I've never met and will never meet and my heart is true. 

So Love is Blind. Fascinating. I'll probably write more about it because it fascinates me. 

The Luxe Life

 

My phone is refusing to upload a photo of my couch which I wanted to show you all. Especially with the pillows I made using bright, bright floral fabric from K. Fassett (my favorite fabric designer because he's bold and bright and his flower designs make my heart sing).

Anyway, I want to talk about something unimportant but weighs a lot in my thoughts about living the luxe life. 

Years ago there was a Twitter thread which started with a question asking people what they had in their life that was luxe, or made them feel pampered. Everyday life kind of things. 

Oh yay! Here's the couch!

Anyway, back to the Twitter thread...

The thread became (to me) a thread about self-care with people talking about the small things in their life which add joy. It was a silk robe, fluffy slippers, a pedicure, a charcuterie board. It was ordering a favorite tea and having a piece of art. 

When I was staying at my boss' house, it felt a lot like a home from a home improvement show on HGTV, but the after the renovations are done house. It had all the small amenities, the open floor plan, the nice kitchen and baths and all that but it didn't feel especially luxe or impressive. What got me was the towels were Egyptian cotton and the softest things I've ever encountered. It was drying yourself on a cloud. And the shower curtain in the bathroom I used was gorgeous. (I wish I'd taken a picture.)

So coming home I recognized that I'll never afford a lot of things but there are small things I can give myself that are luxe and pampering and don't break the budget.

My new shower curtain (top picture). A little surprising because I'm not a frilly kind of woman but that shower curtain is soft, pretty and in a teeny bathroom, suddenly become the focal point and makes the bathroom a happier place. (There's also a real bathtub I take baths in and my self-care self is allowing me to spend a few tens to get some bath salts and bath bombs. 

If I'm having fruit and cheese, I'm putting it on my version of a charcuterie board and dressing it up for myself. I have a fridge full of flavored waters to appease my sweet tooth as well as keep myself hydrated.

And I'm pushing myself to keep up my skin care because when I started using the toners and serums and brightening creams, my skin literally changed before my eyes. Cleaner, softer and brighter. It was fabulous.

But most importantly, I decided this weekend it was time to start gifting myself time. Time to sit and work on a project or read a book with no nagging of things that must get done. Everything gets done. It always does. But allowing myself the pleasure of not being on the clock: that's big and something I need to grace myself with.

So anyway, I'm going to have a second cup of coffee and then I've decided to learn to crochet. I have a hook, some yarn and You Tube videos. Carolyn is on speed dial. 

Much love to all of you out there.

Yo! Carolyn!

Her Hands My Hands

Go read this review. Then tell us if you've read the book or not. It sounds right up your alley.

And I started A Holiday by Gaslight which Az did a review on and it was immediately what I wanted to read. 

HBD

 I'm not going to say more cause you all know how I feel about this woman.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROLYN!

Mental Health Check In

 

So how are we all doing?

I had a kind of hard weekend because I was overwhelmed with things I felt I needed to get done but also I had a huge need to chill and let some stress leave my body. I wasn't very successful at either. 

But today I woke a little late (probably because I didn't fall asleep until around 3 or 4 am) and my equilibrium was, well, equal. I still have a bunch of things I want/need to get done but I don't have the need to get them done NOW!! I need a lot more sleep and relaxation and that will happen.

So the difference between this weekend and today became awareness. I woke up this morning aware that I had placed myself in a pickle of contrary needs and created my own struggle in this instance. Quick story: I bought a small pack of country style ribs. Separated into baggies: one had 2 ribs and one had 3. I took the 2 rib pack out to make for dinner. Looked up on Google the best was to cook them and everyone was talking about a 3 hour slow cook. Well I was hungry and didn't have 3 hours to slow cook ribs so I made something else. Then this morning I woke up, sat up in bed and thought "why would you slow cook 2 small ribs for 3 hours? That makes no sense. Pan fry the damned things with the Cajun seasoning and enjoy."

That's what I mean by making things more difficult for myself. Can't think common sense when your brain is making things hard for you.

Anyway, this is all to say that awareness sure helps when the brain is mis-firing. Doesn't mean you can fix it, just means you can understand and not let it get too deeply inside.

Love you guys. Hope your brains are working with you today.