Viva Democracy!

 

Now I remember why I stayed off Twitter: it's nice to be ignorant of how the world is sliding into tyranny and demagoguery. People are angry that they can't say the racist shit out loud without some liberal trying to take away their First Amendment Rights. Others are angry because they can't just demand sex from women and have to take no for an answer.

Democrats are trying to take away your guns, fuck your children, turn your children either gay or trans, give people free cell phones, drive women to abortion clinics in state funded Cadillacs. Democrats have become the enemy because well, we're okay with non-binary people and yeah, America was built on slavery and you can't make it a good thing. 

They really do hate us. I saw that with my brother. Over the course of 7 or 8 years when I lived with him how we had differences but we could talk. He likes guns. I do not. He could talk to me without his voice rising about it. We didn't always agree but we remained polite. (We rarely agreed but we remained polite.)

Then Trump happened. And Black Lives Matter. And in the span of 4 years the disagreements turned into rage and and democracy became something people no longer believed in.

Why Black Lives Matter? (My opinion). Because in saying Black Lives Matter, we are saying that black people have it harder than us. That the system is biased and it kills them while we (white people) thrive. By admitting that black lives matter we are admitting that we have held up a racist system and we need change.

I am not responsible for racism. I don't consider myself racist although I'm far from a perfect ally. Black Lives Matter. I believe it. My brother doesn't. And why? Because by centering on the systemic racism in our country, we alter the conversation from where it belongs: on the oppressed white man. Black lives don't matter more than I do, screams the Republican. My life is hard, he whines. People are demanding that I respect others while they don't respect me.

Anyway, on a personal note I was unpacking some of the shit of how my relationship with my brother changed. How he went from one of my favorite people on the planet to someone I want to avoid. Why was I associating my brother with trauma in my brain? It was Trump, is what I kept telling myself but here's the thing...

In the 4+ years of Trump and Black Lives Matter, my brother got angrier. It got personal. Non-binary people, living their own lives, affects the foundation of what my brother believes. He's being asked to show them a modicum of respect and leave them alone but no... it's an affront to his world. To the 1950 fantasy of being the man of the house and being respected by everyone because he has the job, the car, the house. He has the toys. He is the man.

And the more the world changes, the angrier he becomes. Black people saying the police kill them. Black on black crime is bigger than police killing, he says. Women want to have abortions. Abortion isn't birth control, he says while forgetting that he's paid for two in his past. And non-binary people? What if I identify as a helicopter?

And it wasn't that I got exhausted or sick of the conversation. The conversation got angrier. He attacked more. He was enraged. And his jokes about being armed were a little more frequent.

Trigger warning: trauma

So I realized that I was living in a house where I became the face of the enemy. I believe black lives matter. I believe that gender binary is a social construct and I really adore non-binary choices. I don't think America is a Christian country, abortions are healthcare and the patriarchy is killing us.

And when my brother screamed at me and called me that bitch, my safety changed. I was living with a man with multiple weapons who saw me as an enemy. I didn't plan on moving out, I didn't want to move out. But I had to move out. It's why I was miserable from November to February because my life turned upside down and I didn't understand what happened. And every time I've seen my brother since, he's been unsmiling, dour, unhappy.

And I finally realized that I've been in flight mode because I believe he can kill me and if provoked, would. I am no longer his sister. I am no longer someone he loves. I am the face of what makes his life wrong. Fox News and Donald Trump made me my brother's enemy and my brother is an enraged white, Christian, 1950s loving man who wants to stomp the shit out of something.

He scares me. So I left my family, I left the news and I've been in hiding (in a way). 

Shit... that's a lot to unpack. I need a cookie.