Bad Weekend: Good Awareness

I had an epiphany today. It's almost embarrassing but well... it was also interesting. I was window shopping on Amazon, adding multiple things to my lists of what I want to buy and I suddenly thought "I don't really want this." Which led me to looking at my lists and realizing that outside of my book list: I really don't need any of these things.

But the epiphany was recognizing that shopping has become what eating was. It's a way to fill a hole deep inside that's crying out for "more". Once a long time ago, a bag of cookies or chips temporarily filled that hole. Long ago, sex was used to fill it. And now Amazon does.

So I destroyed my lists. Emptied my cart of all but a few things. And I found myself sitting here right now in my home, facing that emptiness again and asking myself what's a healthy way to take care of this?

And yes, that's one of the things I'm in therapy to figure out. But I also know myself damn well and I'm here in this place at this time with awareness and honesty and the ability to do this right. So no Amazon. No cookies. No filling the air with Bobby Flay or K-dramas... 

And the question is: how do you fill that void that can't be filled? 

So I'm writing about it. Acknowledging it. Feeling what it feels like inside. It's not going to hurt me and I'm not going to hurt me to fill it. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath. Maybe I'll listen to the Hamilton soundtrack. Maybe I'll read and pet the cat.

Maybe I'll just close my eyes and feel it without filling it.

I also had another thought today: I miss me. Before I moved to Hawaii I was really enjoying cooking and baking. I was creative and people around me nurtured that. My friend Clark once said that shortly after we met I baked a cake and it was "Love at First Bite." I thought highly of myself in the kitchen and it was fun.

Living with others, and one who really is a good cook, eroded my belief in myself and my abilities. And the "funny" cutting down of my abilities or supposed lack, made me start to hate cooking. And why bake when all you hear is "we're not dessert people" or "don't make that for me because I don't like sugar."

I miss me. I miss being in the kitchen and making things I want to eat and I enjoy eating. I miss having all the ingredients to make a cake if I suddenly decide I want to bake a cake.

So this week I'm going to get all the baking items I need. I'm not planning on making bread right away or anything. But I want to have it so I can. So the woman who loves making something good can start doing that again. And I have 2 different neighbors right now that I can share with so it's a win-win. I nurture myself and others when I bake and I lost that for the last seven years.

Anyway, it's been an emotionally hard weekend. A young man of my family's acquaintance took his life and Myrna and I are both taking it a little hard. And I have the hole inside calling out loudly this weekend and all I can do is recognize it and not try to fill it. I'm tired. I'm sad. 

It's okay. Tomorrow is always a new day and there's always joy. Right now I'm going to go be quiet and let my body cry.