Giving Thanks? Thanks That it's Done

 HerHandsMyHands

Check out Az's new blog post: Be the Helpers. She says it way better than I can, and I needed the nudge after Thanksgiving to reach out to someone outside my immediate family and help out a little.

It wasn't a bad holiday, by any means but my feelings are hurt, and as happens often with family, ignored. My sister did a family Thanksgiving text and left me off it. I thought we were in a good place. We're not. And after years of being hurt by this, I want to be done. Her wife dislikes me and that's all there is. So I'm done. No more trying. It isn't painful. We've been silent before. But this time has one difference: this time I know that I'm not missing out on anything. She is. 

Other hurt feeling was that my brother, when talking to another family member on a family phone call said his wife did the entire Thanksgiving meal by herself without the use of an oven (long story but she has a convection oven, pizza over, gas grill...). There were 6 dishes on our Thanksgiving table and I made three of them. After the phone call I said he made me sound like I had just watched tv while Myrna slaved on the meal and he went running. No acknowledgement, no apology.

I sound whiny. But it's those things that make you step back. and I'm stepping back. I did tell them that with Christmas being on a Monday and having to work on Tuesday, I'm not going to their house that day. Which I had decided earlier. Christmas, for me, is about Mollie. Without Mollie then it's about Carolyn. 

And Carolyn can't get on this blog anymore so she'll never read this. Here's the thing. Carolyn is my person. I grew up starry-eyed and romantical and thought some strapping lumberjack with a big dick would show up and be the one. But it's an older woman in Alabama who has been the most constant family I've ever known, would truly give me her last dime and will never have the understanding of why this weird little Jewish woman in Hawaii adores her so but there it is: Carolyn is my person and it's not romantic or sexual but will be the greatest love I've ever known

So every Christmas I try to do something for her that nobody else has ever done. It doesn't always score. But there are one or two she still mentions.

This Christmas for Carolyn: I made her a quilt 2 years ago that was never completed. It's completed... mostly. It got sent to a company to long-arm quilt it and then send it to Carolyn. She should receive it within the month. A lot of the fabric on the quilt is ocean/fish themed. She loves fish and aquariums. So I got her a fake aquarium with fake fish. Also, some hand crafted fish and a turtle that she can place on the bed or next to the aquarium. Or make into a mobile (her sister can do that).

I hope she loves it. I want her to have fish because she loves them. 

Sorry for the long whine. But now it's all off the chest and can be put away. We still have the rest of a long holiday weekend and there's turkey sandwiches and a fake tree to put up.

Love y'all. Women are awesome. Stay safe.

Merry and Bright

So it begins. The holiday hellscape of families, boundaries, politics, emotional manipulation...

Nah. Not this year. This year boundaries are in place and warnings have been sent ahead. I'm going to Honakaa today (Wednesday) and spending the night. Myrna and I plan to enjoy our kitchen time together. She cooks and I peel and cut and clean up behind her. We can talk about almost anything and everything and we'll have a wonderful time.

I wanted to go a day early so I can go into town and do some local shopping for gifts. 

The pics above are the wallpapers up in my apartment. We've finally got them all up and I'm delighted. The bedroom wallpaper especially. It's dark and bold and makes me feel witchy as fuck. I don't know why. It just brings a moodiness that I love. 

So Fox News has started its annual War on Woke Christmas and of course, Target is the target. They have a actual nutcracker (black or white) with a rainbow theme and then there's the $3 black Santa in a wheelchair ornament. How dare anybody try to make holidays inclusive!!! First our mermaids, now our $3 Santa ornaments.

Of course all they do is give Target publicity and people like me buy the shit because it's funny as fuck. Since I'm a Jewish witch, a wheelchair bound black Santa belongs on my tree. Along with the holiday dinosaurs and cats. I do like a little tradition.

Anyway, no matter what you celebrate, if you do celebrate, stay safe. Draw an invisible border around you with a thick, thick line. Don't be a good girl. We're done with that shit.

And if you're going to be around a right wing, Trump loving, antiwoke brother who you're discovering that maybe you really don't like very much after all, well... gonna make these holidays a little more interesting.

I love you ladies. Honestly and really. Stay safe. Don't let people steal your moments. 

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEA! You're my eternal fiancee with the big rack, weird words and heart as boundless as her love for Henry Cavill. You're really a strange one Lea, which is among the 2,034 reasons I love you.

 

What Do You Mean I Had an Abortion?

 Bet y'all didn't know I worked in an abortion clinic? It was shortly after I adopted Mollie and it was a temporary position that became permanent. I loved the doctor, she was a sweetheart and the women that worked there were truly awesome people.

What you didn't know, because I didn't know, is that I had an abortion. I didn't know that until today. Truly. 

I was flipping through videos on You Tube and Chrissy Teagan was in a video talking about Roe v Wade being overturned and she said something to her husband John Legend about how sad it was that women "they" would not be able to get the care they need and John corrected her and said "we". Pointing out, quite correctly, when they miscarried their pregnancy, the fetus did not pass naturally and they went to the hospital and had a D & C, aka, an abortion to remove the fetus.

When I miscarried my twins, the fetuses did not pass. When I started bleeding, I gushed blood and yet nothing passed from my body. We wrapped towels and placed them between my legs and I bled through them.

My mom and I went to the ER and they said I needed to be admitted. I refused, I demanded they do what needed to be done that minute. I was terrified, nobody should lose as much blood as I was.

I had a D & C in the ER without anesthesia. It hurt like fuck but the fetal tissue was removed and I was no longer pregnant.

Until today, I just thought I had a miscarriage. But it wasn't just... I had an abortion because the fetal tissue wouldn't pass naturally. Without the D & C, I can't imagine what would have happened.

Until today I never realized that I dd, in fact, have an abortion. I am a little bit in shock right now. 26 years ago I had an abortion and didn't even realize it. Didn't realize that without that procedure I might have been in a lot of danger from just a little bit of unviable tissue that wouldn't detach.

Love y'all. Stay safe. Keep fighting for women.

Give me 2 Oxy and a Margarita, please

This has been a very painful week. 

Last week Thursday I got 3 teeth extracted by Sweeney Todd, the Demon Dentist of Kinoole Street. The experience was horrific in every way: waiting an hour, having them all walk out before the first tooth was even complete to see another patient, having to be numbed twice and I swear he did something to my sinuses and horrific pain for a week following.

Now the mouth pain is finally starting to ease and my sinuses have gone crazy. I have hacked up enough mucus to create my own slime monster. And when I say hacked up: I mean, I don't cough it out or blow it out my nose. I vomit. Hunched over the sink or toilet gagging out stream after steam of phlegm. It's disgusting.

I've wasted over $50 on medication so far, trying to dry up the phlegm stream but instead worsening it. 

On a positive note however: my daughter asked me for a love spell. I am creating my ingredients now. I have everything I need but I need to change the form of some of it. Do I think it will be successful? Hell, no. A spell won't make someone love you. Nor should it. But my hope (my intention) is that there is probably someone in her friend group who already has those feelings for her. They're a group of baby lesbians who are all inexperienced. I hope to hell that maybe there's a connection there and some intention shining that way will help illuminate that.

I'm taking this spell very seriously. I'm a skeptic so my own mind isn't 100% believing that this anything more than play. But it's so interesting to figure out which herbs or dried flowers will add what, which fragrance or oil will layer on, what color candle to use? 

So my plan: to write Mollie's name on a bay leaf and the name of her "intended" on another. Burn a red candle. Speak my intention for Mollie to discover a passion with another who feels a passion toward her. Drip the candle wax on the two leaves and seal them.

In a small glass jar I'll put black salt (sea salt mixed with ashes, black pepper) in the bottom. Crushed rose petals. Rose oil. Rose quartz. Probably some lavender. Add the bay leaves. Seal the jar with the candle wax. Send it to Mollie.

But first a nap. Right now I'm burning Dragon's Blood incense to create ashes. Smells great.

Love y'all. Stay safe. It's a man's world which bodes ill for women.

Bits and Bobs

 Just a few random thoughts right now...

I got my witchcraft kit. Yes, I bought a kit. It has candles, herbs, crystals and other stuff. Do I need it? Probably not. But it's going to be a nice way to begin my journey on this spiritual path. I have been doing some reading and video watching and realized very clearly that following others is not the way for me.

Witchcraft, like religion or politics or anything that involves your morality as well as emotions, cannot be dictated by someone else. I know what I want to do. This isn't a blind game for me. Quite the opposite actually: I'm a 65 year old woman who has lived a lifetime of rage, sorrow and love. I knw exactly what I'm doing.

Taylor Swift.

Yes, we are all too evolved for celebrity gossip and shenanigans. Quite frankly, there's a greater backlash against celebrities nowadays since the Oprah/Rock fiasco. And it's about time. Let's abolish pedestals. Admire the work but be wary of the person. They truly, are only human.

I like Taylor. Certainly not a Swiftie but I have a few of her albums and I appreciate how she has spoken out about the sexism she's faced and the cruelty of men in the business. She calls them out by name and I admire that. I also like that she's been upfront about her own faults and shortcomings.

So the romance with the football player is enjoyable. I doubt they're the love story of the century but it's sweet. And I like him. I like that he openly said he was going to shoot his shot and it didn't happen so he tried again and got her interest. I like his openness and that he acknowledges that she's the bigger deal and he doesn't care. This guy has an ego that's perfectly sized.

Wallpaper

I got my kitchen wallpaper which I meant to put up this weekend and instead I became an energy mess. Seriously: on Friday my energy went haywire and I broke my printer and somehow lost my computer access and I was bouncing off walls. 

I slept all day and all night on Saturday. Today is Sunday and I'm doing better (got a casserole in the oven and I made brownies) and my mind is on a straighter path. But I was so frenetic on Friday that I'm convinced I somehow made everything go crazy.

More Wallpaper

The bedroom wallpaper should be here in about 2 weeks. I have Norman set up to install it (Norman is the apartment maintenance manager and I tip him generously and he helps me out with home projects). 

Nanowrimo

God, forgive me. I'm doing it.

But I'm co-writing with Lea so I'm thinking it will actually happen.

Good Omens 2

David Tennant kissed Michael Sheen and my world exploded momentarily.

While we're on the subject: Charlie's Angels with Kristen Stewart. Terrible movie but she shines in it and I'm gay everytime I watch it.

Jujitsu Kaisen: Just fuck me. If it gets any better I'll pay the $500 for the Nanami penis statue.

Love y'all. Vote blue. 

The End of My K-Pop Era

It's unfortunately official: my K-Pop era is ended. This is not a small thing for me and I'm handling a soft grief. But Korea has a mandatory 2 year military service requirement of all its men and my men are all gone.

There are many great K-Pop groups and many that are worth following and enjoying. But for me there was Monsta X. Mollie introduced me to them her senior year in high school and they made the transition from Mom to Mollie to empty nester a little more doable. Joohoney's solo album, PSYCHE, with it's manic rap, tear filled Stormy and jazzy love songs... came out during the pandemic and it's what describes the pandemic to me.

I loved these guys. They were young enough to be my grandsons, sexy enough to wake my libido and honestly nice enough to not be embarrassing. There was almost no toxic masculinity in these men, such a fabulous change from American men. I think about Justin Bieber and his pissing in buckets and disrespecting his fans and being a general dick and then you have these men who respect their elders, respect their fans and respect each other.

Shownu joined the military first but he left  others to keep going. And no slight to Shownu, but the albums released during the two years he was gone were amazing. The Dreaming was fantastic. Their American tour (post pandemic) was killer. 

Right when Shownu came back, Minhyuk left. Like immediately. (On a side note: there's been some photos of Minhyuk recently and he put on some weight and muscle and that beautiful boy has become a dropdead gorgeous Daddy.) Thought we'd have a moment to catch our breath: Shownu came and Minhyuk left. But then Joohoney announced he was going. And I started to feel so sad. (Honey is so special. My maternal side went into overdrive.) But it felt like only  seconds later that Kihyun was shaving his head and leaving too.)

So Shownu and Hyungwon released a mini album together and did a few stages. IM released a solo album (although I love IM, I don't care for his solo stuff. He's too emo teenager for my taste.)

And now Hyungwon announced he's joining the military in 3 weeks. He sounds happy and confident about it, and since 3 of his bandmates are already there then he feels more ready to go. And I am truly happy for him. He said he has no more fear about going so he'll do his two years.

I won't keep up anymore with them. Not really. They got me through a really hard time and I love them so much and will always be grateful. But they have their duty and my journey is not one of waiting.

Dear men of Monsta X: I love you. Whole heartedly, honestly, and deeply. You helped my heart when my heart was breaking. My loneliness wasn't as extreme because your music and your videos and online content kept me engaged and happy. Stay safe. Serve well. Come back to your Monbebe and find your happiness and loves.

I love you all so much.

How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis

Y'all know I don't really do book reviews but I have to talk about this book. How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis. It's about keeping house. While drowning. Drowning, of course, being overwhelmed, depressed, sad, tired, ADHD, in pain... you know, alive. 

It is the best self-help book I've ever read. (Taking the place of Primal Scream.)

All my life, I've had someone telling me that I do everything wrong. Sometimes the someone is me but from childhood, I had constant criticism about a lot. And as an adult, the negativity was so strong... I remember losing a job and sobbing my guts out later asking the universe why I was such a failure as a human being. 

I'm not that woman anymore (thank heavens) but I still have those moments when I don't have the energy or ability to sweep the floor or make a meal and I feel like I'm failing adulthood again.

This is the book to end that question.

KC Davis starts by reminding us that cleaning house or doing dishes does not have a moral equivalency. You are neither a good person or bad person when having dirty dishes in the sink. You're not a failed adult if the laundry is in a pile on the floor. For a myriad of reasons, sometimes we just can't. And we need to not judge ourselves because there's no good or bad.

We are not here to serve our house, she says. Our house is here to serve us. To put a roof over our heads, give us a safe space and to house us. 

The book was even created for people with ADHD to read: short chapters, clear points and simple explanations. I personally do not have ADHD but I do have trauma brain and I appreciated the simplicity of the reading. It allowed me to catch the point quickly and savor the moment then move on.

She also gives some helpful hints for those who are drowning. If you have only the ability to get the dirty dishes in the kitchen and off the floor, that's perfect. If the laundry is piled up then have a clean pile and pick from there. Most of us don't give a damn about wrinkled clothes.

She even has suggestions for how to cope when showering or brushing your teeth is too overwhelming.

This book is brilliant. And even if you don't need it, which you may not, if you get the chance to read it: do. Anything that helps remove moral equivalency from daily living is an upvote from me.

Love y'all. Stay safe.