The Dollar Dilemma

 

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

Okay, I wrote that and I was wrong. I didn't think I was at the moment but...  I watched some videos which really resonated with me. One was about doing a No Buy 2024 and the other was about Scarcity Mindset.

Scarcity Mindset is fascinating. Anyone who has ever had time without money has issues with having money. Scarcity doesn't lead you into smart money decisions. Scarcity mindset means that you're afraid of not having money to spend. So this happens:

Get Paid

Spend money that you have (because you have it & afraid you won't later)

Have no money because you spent it all

Anxiety

Get Paid (and do it all again)

So I decided to stop shopping. For the year of 2024 I'll not buy anything unnecessary. Also, groceries will be shopped differently. I'll buy things when they run out. And I'll use what I have. 

It's not a big deal and yet it's going to reset a big portion of my life. If I can finally break through my money anxiety my life will be so much better. And honestly, I don't need more things. The only purchases I might need would be a new fan when the weather heats and I need a decent vacuum at some point.

It will be most interesting to change my grocery shopping. Such as, I'm going to need garbage bags. But I probably have enough to go a month. So I was going to buy some so I don't run out but I had to stop myself. As long as I have I don't need more. 

I feel hopeful. I like healing and I feel that this will be a big year for healing for me. 

Love y'all. Stay safe.

Now That I'm an Old Lady

 I like to wear yellow. At home I wear pajama bottoms and tee shirts and when I go out I wear jewelry and color and I look like an old hippie and that's me.

I like bracelets and rings and earrings that dangle. I like pretty things and chunky things and things that look like nature.

I have acrylic on my nails and I see the same nail artist every 3 weeks and I told her that I like my nails to make me happy and she has agreed. And I am happy.

I like knowing the manipulations as they happen and not playing along. My boss has tried things that have worked in the past and in response I crack a joke and refuse to play and he is losing with me every time. 

I have very little guilt.

I like not liking my family. Oh that's a harder one but I'm learning it's okay. After so many years of feeling not good enough by my sister and her wife, I just don't care about them anymore. I have no desire to even try. And it doesn't have to be a scene or a big issue. I blocked my heart and I'm easing out. 

Never try to please people who dislike you. 

I am having parsnips for dinner tonight. Parsnips and carrots roasted with oil and salt and pepper. Because I just love roasted parsnips and carrots.

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

I love the feeling of my hair swishing over my back. I love being in my bed. I love weak coffee and baking and being a witch. I love having intention. I love anime and Studio Ghibli movies and shopping. I love decorating and dreaming ad petting my cats.

Age is amazing. I love getting old.

Happy Birthday, Asshole

 So since I moved out of my brother's house, our gift giving changed. We used to be big on gifts for all occasions and it was big fun. But then Mollie was gone and I was gone and my SIL went to Italy and my brother started planning trips and we decided to stop exchanging gifts. We'd use our money the way we want to and for them that's planning trips and for me... whatever.

Anyway, we started buying each other dinner for birthdays but this year got a little messed up and I didn't choose to drive up to their house for dinner so we didn't. Now my brother's birthday is on Dec. 10 and I asked him, would you like dinner or an REI gift card?

He chose the gift card.

So this year I am a little obsessed with Advent calendars. Everyone in my family has received one from me. And I thought it would be really fun to play with my brother and so I planned to send him a $10 gift card from REI on each day of December, leading up to his birthday ($90) and then on his birthday send him a $50 card. And each card would have a "funny" message...

Anyway, today was gift card #1 and he texted me and blew it up. Was ungrateful, stepped on the joke to prove he saw right through what I was doing and really killed the whole thing. Just murdered it. No point to it anymore.

And I'm pissed. He could have played along. Collected the gift cards, give a small chuckle and let it play out. But he squashed it. (I told him that men just don't have a sense of humor.)

Carolyn said send him a $25 gift card on his birthday and forget about it. I don't even want to bother. I'm mad. He had no reason to kill my gift like that except to prove something (I don't even know what he proved.) I think I shouldn't even bother. 

Advise please. What would you do?

Giving Thanks? Thanks That it's Done

 HerHandsMyHands

Check out Az's new blog post: Be the Helpers. She says it way better than I can, and I needed the nudge after Thanksgiving to reach out to someone outside my immediate family and help out a little.

It wasn't a bad holiday, by any means but my feelings are hurt, and as happens often with family, ignored. My sister did a family Thanksgiving text and left me off it. I thought we were in a good place. We're not. And after years of being hurt by this, I want to be done. Her wife dislikes me and that's all there is. So I'm done. No more trying. It isn't painful. We've been silent before. But this time has one difference: this time I know that I'm not missing out on anything. She is. 

Other hurt feeling was that my brother, when talking to another family member on a family phone call said his wife did the entire Thanksgiving meal by herself without the use of an oven (long story but she has a convection oven, pizza over, gas grill...). There were 6 dishes on our Thanksgiving table and I made three of them. After the phone call I said he made me sound like I had just watched tv while Myrna slaved on the meal and he went running. No acknowledgement, no apology.

I sound whiny. But it's those things that make you step back. and I'm stepping back. I did tell them that with Christmas being on a Monday and having to work on Tuesday, I'm not going to their house that day. Which I had decided earlier. Christmas, for me, is about Mollie. Without Mollie then it's about Carolyn. 

And Carolyn can't get on this blog anymore so she'll never read this. Here's the thing. Carolyn is my person. I grew up starry-eyed and romantical and thought some strapping lumberjack with a big dick would show up and be the one. But it's an older woman in Alabama who has been the most constant family I've ever known, would truly give me her last dime and will never have the understanding of why this weird little Jewish woman in Hawaii adores her so but there it is: Carolyn is my person and it's not romantic or sexual but will be the greatest love I've ever known

So every Christmas I try to do something for her that nobody else has ever done. It doesn't always score. But there are one or two she still mentions.

This Christmas for Carolyn: I made her a quilt 2 years ago that was never completed. It's completed... mostly. It got sent to a company to long-arm quilt it and then send it to Carolyn. She should receive it within the month. A lot of the fabric on the quilt is ocean/fish themed. She loves fish and aquariums. So I got her a fake aquarium with fake fish. Also, some hand crafted fish and a turtle that she can place on the bed or next to the aquarium. Or make into a mobile (her sister can do that).

I hope she loves it. I want her to have fish because she loves them. 

Sorry for the long whine. But now it's all off the chest and can be put away. We still have the rest of a long holiday weekend and there's turkey sandwiches and a fake tree to put up.

Love y'all. Women are awesome. Stay safe.

Merry and Bright

So it begins. The holiday hellscape of families, boundaries, politics, emotional manipulation...

Nah. Not this year. This year boundaries are in place and warnings have been sent ahead. I'm going to Honakaa today (Wednesday) and spending the night. Myrna and I plan to enjoy our kitchen time together. She cooks and I peel and cut and clean up behind her. We can talk about almost anything and everything and we'll have a wonderful time.

I wanted to go a day early so I can go into town and do some local shopping for gifts. 

The pics above are the wallpapers up in my apartment. We've finally got them all up and I'm delighted. The bedroom wallpaper especially. It's dark and bold and makes me feel witchy as fuck. I don't know why. It just brings a moodiness that I love. 

So Fox News has started its annual War on Woke Christmas and of course, Target is the target. They have a actual nutcracker (black or white) with a rainbow theme and then there's the $3 black Santa in a wheelchair ornament. How dare anybody try to make holidays inclusive!!! First our mermaids, now our $3 Santa ornaments.

Of course all they do is give Target publicity and people like me buy the shit because it's funny as fuck. Since I'm a Jewish witch, a wheelchair bound black Santa belongs on my tree. Along with the holiday dinosaurs and cats. I do like a little tradition.

Anyway, no matter what you celebrate, if you do celebrate, stay safe. Draw an invisible border around you with a thick, thick line. Don't be a good girl. We're done with that shit.

And if you're going to be around a right wing, Trump loving, antiwoke brother who you're discovering that maybe you really don't like very much after all, well... gonna make these holidays a little more interesting.

I love you ladies. Honestly and really. Stay safe. Don't let people steal your moments. 

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEA! You're my eternal fiancee with the big rack, weird words and heart as boundless as her love for Henry Cavill. You're really a strange one Lea, which is among the 2,034 reasons I love you.

 

What Do You Mean I Had an Abortion?

 Bet y'all didn't know I worked in an abortion clinic? It was shortly after I adopted Mollie and it was a temporary position that became permanent. I loved the doctor, she was a sweetheart and the women that worked there were truly awesome people.

What you didn't know, because I didn't know, is that I had an abortion. I didn't know that until today. Truly. 

I was flipping through videos on You Tube and Chrissy Teagan was in a video talking about Roe v Wade being overturned and she said something to her husband John Legend about how sad it was that women "they" would not be able to get the care they need and John corrected her and said "we". Pointing out, quite correctly, when they miscarried their pregnancy, the fetus did not pass naturally and they went to the hospital and had a D & C, aka, an abortion to remove the fetus.

When I miscarried my twins, the fetuses did not pass. When I started bleeding, I gushed blood and yet nothing passed from my body. We wrapped towels and placed them between my legs and I bled through them.

My mom and I went to the ER and they said I needed to be admitted. I refused, I demanded they do what needed to be done that minute. I was terrified, nobody should lose as much blood as I was.

I had a D & C in the ER without anesthesia. It hurt like fuck but the fetal tissue was removed and I was no longer pregnant.

Until today, I just thought I had a miscarriage. But it wasn't just... I had an abortion because the fetal tissue wouldn't pass naturally. Without the D & C, I can't imagine what would have happened.

Until today I never realized that I dd, in fact, have an abortion. I am a little bit in shock right now. 26 years ago I had an abortion and didn't even realize it. Didn't realize that without that procedure I might have been in a lot of danger from just a little bit of unviable tissue that wouldn't detach.

Love y'all. Stay safe. Keep fighting for women.

Give me 2 Oxy and a Margarita, please

This has been a very painful week. 

Last week Thursday I got 3 teeth extracted by Sweeney Todd, the Demon Dentist of Kinoole Street. The experience was horrific in every way: waiting an hour, having them all walk out before the first tooth was even complete to see another patient, having to be numbed twice and I swear he did something to my sinuses and horrific pain for a week following.

Now the mouth pain is finally starting to ease and my sinuses have gone crazy. I have hacked up enough mucus to create my own slime monster. And when I say hacked up: I mean, I don't cough it out or blow it out my nose. I vomit. Hunched over the sink or toilet gagging out stream after steam of phlegm. It's disgusting.

I've wasted over $50 on medication so far, trying to dry up the phlegm stream but instead worsening it. 

On a positive note however: my daughter asked me for a love spell. I am creating my ingredients now. I have everything I need but I need to change the form of some of it. Do I think it will be successful? Hell, no. A spell won't make someone love you. Nor should it. But my hope (my intention) is that there is probably someone in her friend group who already has those feelings for her. They're a group of baby lesbians who are all inexperienced. I hope to hell that maybe there's a connection there and some intention shining that way will help illuminate that.

I'm taking this spell very seriously. I'm a skeptic so my own mind isn't 100% believing that this anything more than play. But it's so interesting to figure out which herbs or dried flowers will add what, which fragrance or oil will layer on, what color candle to use? 

So my plan: to write Mollie's name on a bay leaf and the name of her "intended" on another. Burn a red candle. Speak my intention for Mollie to discover a passion with another who feels a passion toward her. Drip the candle wax on the two leaves and seal them.

In a small glass jar I'll put black salt (sea salt mixed with ashes, black pepper) in the bottom. Crushed rose petals. Rose oil. Rose quartz. Probably some lavender. Add the bay leaves. Seal the jar with the candle wax. Send it to Mollie.

But first a nap. Right now I'm burning Dragon's Blood incense to create ashes. Smells great.

Love y'all. Stay safe. It's a man's world which bodes ill for women.