I had a very disorienting dream last night where Mollie was taken away from me and being given a new mother. I had no means to contact her and the worry was astronomical. Then I was lost in a gigantic mall and trying to find the office but it was too big and confusing.
Issues.
I'm a vivid dreamer and from childhood was aware that I processed emotionally through my dreams. I've had joyful dreams of freedom and love and admiration. I've had horrible dreams of loss and abuse.
Losing Mollie has always been a dream since the first blush of being her mother. And this morning I woke from that dream and realized that the feeling of loss is inevitable and how I process it and live with it will be defining for the last part of my life. (I'm in old age. I've had my childhood, my teenage years, maidenhood and middle age. I'm 65. I might live to 100, I might die tomorrow. This is, no matter how many years it encompasses, the last part of my life.)
And I am dealing with loss.
Not just the loss of motherhood. I raised my daughter to be true to herself and without realizing, I raised her to be independent. She is happy and free. She is never coming back to America and my adult brain is joyful that she found her place so easily and so young. But I am not moving to Japan since I found my place and that is Hawaii. I feel safer here than anywhere else I've ever been.
Also I'm distancing myself from my family. They make me feel diminished. I've had a lifetime of it. I'm not giving the last part of my life to anyone who doesn't think I'm amazing.
I miss my mother. She's been gone 18 years and she was a problematic person but I miss her so much. And I'm sad knowing that she died without ever having found a real sense of peace. She was not speaking to my siblings when she died.
My mother loved drama. She loved having "situations" with her kids. She was proud to make us cry. She would give the silent treatment to us when we were young and that is w one of my biggest triggers. The manipulation of doing that to someone you love is unforgivable.
Anyway, the dreams last night gave me an unsettled morning. It's now afternoon and I'm starting to feel almost normal again.
My sleep exhausted me. Oh well...
Love y'all. Stay safe. There are monsters out there.
It must be hte day for dreams like that. I had one about my dad today that freaked me out and even made m me feel al ittle sick, given what's happened the last three weeks (I'll email you the latest...). Than kfully it was jsut a dream.
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to know how you must feel, not being a mother myself, but I can imagine and it's not good. I know how fierce you are as a mother, and a friend, so I know you'd be fighting like hell to get her back. At least in the dream. As you say, she's found her happy place and it just happens to be in Japan. It's miles away from you, so you can't pop in for a cuppa but if it helps, just be thankful she didn't come to Australia - we are very, very, verrrrry far away and it takes longer to get here! ;)
Mind you, if she had of come to Aus (hopefully Perth) you can rest assured that Aunty Lea would be keeping a damn good eye on her, in your stead. that's for damned sure!!
Sorry you had those issues with yoru mother growing up. I have some barnies wiht my own mum but nothing like that, thankfully. So long as you are in harmony with those you love and who love you, then you don't need the others. You don't need to be spending the rest of your days trying to win them back if they're going to be asshats.
Glad the dream fog is lifting and you're getting some of your calm back. I'll send some of this damn heat your way, along with love and good wishes, and you can chillax out in the garden :)
Love ya long time
xx
Lea you sweetie, keep your heat to yourself!
DeleteI can imagine that you're having difficult dreams about your Dad considering you're seeing him every day lose more of himself through illness. I'm glad he and your Mum have you though. You're such a loving and compassionate person and you're there every day giving what you can.
I saw a video clip of Fran Drescher (the Nanny) saying there's biological family and logical family and I loved that so much! I have love for all my biological family, as difficult and complicated it is. But that love doesn't mean I have to risk my emotions by being with them.
And my logical family. Ah. Yes ma'am. Y'all are spread across the world but having you makes me so happy.
Love you. Truly.
Fine, will keep the heat but I won't be happy about it lol. Thanks for your kind words, they do help xx Love Fran and it's true. Happy to be a part of your logical fam as you are of mine. Love ya long time babe xxx
DeleteI process emotionally through dreams too, which has its good side. But I'm sorry you had such a stinker of a dream.
ReplyDelete