Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why I Flunked the Romance Heroine Test

1. Morning Breath

I personally have never been horny enough to completely ignore early a.m. halitosis in my lover (not to mention my own suspect condition). I fear I'm not a morning gal and therefore fail the Romance heroine test big time.

2. The Peeless Wonder

Along the same lines, this same heroine, who evidently does not breathe, also never needs to pee. If someone bonked me almost before I got my eyes open, there would be consequences, and it wouldn't be an orgasm! He could damn well change the bed! I don't deny this might be part of the aging process, but still ... I think Romance heroines are fated to develop hypotonic bladder syndrome. That'll teach 'em to enjoy early morning sex!

3. Ready, Able and Willing

I've never heard of so many damp panties, not to mention absolute rivers of personal body fluids, since I took up with Romance. Every female is in perfect working order. I'm so glad for them. Me, I'm glad I worked where I could get free KY every now and then. Oh, and how about the heroines that have procreated with no sequellae?! What's with that, huh? No leaking, no loss of libido. Nice.

4. Marathon Sex

Hoo boy. Romance heroines take to sex like a duck to water. Virgin or not, mating bond or not, they can shag for hours and hours and still be ready for more. No cystitis, no pain, no 'for God's sake get away from me, I'm worn slap out!' Now that I think on it, very few say no at all, once the dirty deed starts. ;-) They are overwhelmed by their sexuality. I have to hunt mine down sometimes.

5. Set for Life

Many Romance heroines start out rich, become rich or marry rich. Damn, I'm 0 for 3.

6. Saving Money

Although a limited number of Romance heroines might seek psychiatric help, all mental hangups seem to be solved by the deep POV. I fear I'm shallow.

7. Saving Face

Romance heroines may be *slightly* overweight, or go on a binge where they gain a few pounds, but we never hear of cellulite or love handles or other such drawbacks. They all seem to handle weight gain well and still look sexy and desirable. Well, at least to one male. But still, don't women obsess over shit like this, if only to themselves?


Of course, it goes without saying that it would not be Romance if the heroines had the everyday problems of most RL females. One reason we read Romance is for the fantasy element, right? How we wish it could be?

But I've noticed a trend for 'realism' in Romance these days, especially on reader blogs.

All I have to say is, be careful what you wish for. ;-)

1 comment:

  1. Oh you make me long for an incontinent heroine.