Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski

Should you buy this book? Look down. Do you have breasts? A vagina? Do you identify as female? 

Buy this book.

I wrote earlier about the book and it was amazing from the beginning because from page 1 it's truth bomb after truth bomb with truly feminine/feminist sensibilities. Some of the negative reviews on Amazon center around the dislike of the feminist side of the book but I think that's what makes it stand out. Without understanding how the patriarchy (ugh) influences our lives, we can't live wholly and fully as ourselves.

There's no miracle cure. What there is comes to understanding how our bodies function best and how to bypass the "human giver syndrome" to claim the rest and self care we need to not just survive but to live.

There's just too many thoughts and truths to make a sensible review for me. But reasons I want every woman alive to read this book:

1. It explains how stress works and has no magic bullet to rid your life of stress. Instead it explains how stress works as a cycle so if you can complete the cycle, your mind and body can move on and not keep functioning in stress mode.
2. "Human Giver Syndrome". I've heard it with many names but it's a HUGE part of women's lives. We're caretakers for the world (and our families, friends, co-workers...) We are expected to give as much of ourselves as possible and even when it sickens us or makes us weak we should never be selfish enough to think self-care matters.
3. The madwoman in the attic. I like this phrase. It's an explanation of that voice in your head that says you're not enough, you don't deserve love, bad things happen to you because you deserve them... you know: too fat, too unlovable, too loud. Who is the madwoman in your attic?
4. Rest. We don't get enough sleep. Or rest. (Okay Carolyn, you might not relate to everything in the book.)
5. The game is rigged. It's 100% rigged against women.  

I don't know if I can express how amazing this book is. Really. It just seemed to fit into so much of what I have and still do experience, and overall made me feel seen. And honestly, to have someone tell you that yes, no matter how much you do it will never be enough so why not do as much as you want/can and then go get a manicure and a nap...

If you have the spare $$ get this book. It might not change your life but it will help you feel not quite so alone in it.

Cocks (A Poem)

I used to love men's cocks
those absurd, proud popinjays
posturing, silly, silky hard
pleasing when proud & excited,
then, like a sad prairie animal
when unaroused, like a lipstick
no one likes the color of
so never uses.

I used to like the sight
the taste and thrust of a cock
sometimes
I even liked the actual man
but not that often. They were
stains on my sheets, beads
crowding my busy bracelets,
stepping stones to my discovery:
they were something to me once.

I no longer care for the cocks
or the men, for their blustering
or politics, for sperm and thrust
aggression, oppression, wet spots
sore thighs, broken dreams
broken stones when you want
to tread lightly.

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle

by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA

Okay, I just got this book and my mind is being blown on every page, and I’m only a few chapters in but I know it’s going to be one of those books I’ll read again and again because it makes total sense and it really will improve your life!

I first heard about the book from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. They were talking about how much they were looking forward to reading it. I put it on my Amazon Wish List and have just waited for it to come out in paperback.

So let me explain something about self-help books (my opinion only): if you’re open to it and the author isn’t a complete idiot then most likely you’ll find something that resonates with you. Then again you can find it anywhere. So a self-help book is a nebulous creature, more than able to nothing but sound-bites with no substance or something with complete substance that rocks you while you read it.

Burnout is rocking me because it’s not really about the things that stress us out, after all, life is nothing but stress upon stress. Finances constantly stress me, the sad state of my knees, my daughter being so far away, politics, work… the list goes on. And these are not miracle workers with miracle cures. After all, let’s be completely honest: some stresses resolve while others are with us always.

Burnout is about what happens to your body when stress gets involved. The muscles tightening, the adrenaline running and every part of you ready for flight or fight. We can live with stressors, we can’t survive the stress reactions in our body.

I’m only about a quarter through the book but I’m shook on every page. I feel like this is the right book for most women who feel overwhelmed by being superwoman, who wake up every morning and want to stay in bed because there’s so much to do, and who can’t sleep because of the lists and problems that keep her eyes open and her brow creased.

Carolyn told me to write as I progress through the book. I might. But I can tell you right now this book is a serious keeper.

The Power of Creating Definition

You know that moment when someone says something that blows your mind with its simplicity and truth? I saw that on Twitter yesterday when author N.K. Jemison responded to a Twitter post and said about close friendships: Don’t call them your friends, call them your partners. Relationships between people deserve their own definitions as decided by those people, not by society.

Do you know how simple and true that is? I mean, think about it. I live with my brother and sister-in-law and yes, they’re family and all but as far as living together we’re also roommates and partners. My friendship with Carolyn has spanned 15 years and we’ve written books together, shared happy and sad and websites, we’re more than friends, at this point Carolyn is my sister.

(Lea, I know you’re reading this and I think of you as my long-distance girlfriend.)

Anyway, the thing is that I loved the idea. The awareness that we all have relationships that skip around the random borders we assign. My night boss, the amazing Kozy is my boss, my friend, my soon to be divorced husband. We bounce around between loving each other, wanting to stick each other with sharp, pointy things and sometimes just doing the boss/employee relationship too.

Anyway, my mind was pleasantly blown and I’m delighted. And I just wanted to share.

**want to add that in 2 days a couple of 18 year olds have blown my mind. Yesterday I received a present from my daughter of a book she heard parts of in a class and thought I would enjoy. It’s the first time she ever bought me a present that wasn’t for an occasion. I was gobsmacked and delighted.

And my girl’s high school friend Winnie auditioned for a Performance Art College and was accepted at her audition! So she’s transferring colleges for next year. I’m so fucking proud of that girl. And her words of love to me after my words of congratulations to her made my heart melt.**

Strange Love by Ann Aguirre

Zylar of Kith B’alak is desperate for a mate. Beryl of Earth is not. In fact, all Beryl wants is to finish her community service, get her bills paid and maybe have a life. What she doesn’t expect is an alien abduction, a talking dog and a deep bond with some of the weirdest creatures you’ll ever read about. 

Strange Love by Ann Aguirre is a book of such sweetness, humor, and even some heat (Zylar is an alien, and an insectoid one at that) (so trust me when I say that the sex was weird but really cool). I mean, seriously, this woman wrote one of my most hated books of 2019 (The Third Mrs. Durst) and now one of my most favorite books of 2020.

Reasons to love this book:

1.       Beryl is abducted because of a mistake. Zylar was aiming for someone else.

2.       Beryl’s dog Snaps is abducted too and because of a communication chip, he can communicate. (And when he screws up and says “I’m a bad dog” I admit there was a little sniffle.)

3.       The bad guy, Ryzvan was a bad guy but not a cartoon character bad guy. Although I would have loved a little more comeuppance for him, he worked as a bad guy.

4.       Zylar is an insectoid alien with self-confidence issues. Beryl gives him confidence and he gives Beryl a universe.

There is so much good stuff in this book. I had a quibble in one or two places but they were small. 

And the way the society on this planet is laid out, there were issues that could be addressed by others in further books if Ms. Aguirre chooses to continue writing in this world. Such as, the mating “dance” that takes place on Kith B’alak is like a game of Survivor but not winning means dying. And if your intended chooses, she can choose another to mate with (or be “nest guardian” to) and like Zylar has faced before in other ‘Choosing’, he could be left alone and face a future as a working drone with no chances of happiness.

This book was wonderful. Read it. Read it now. It’s a 10 out of 10 and a hoot as well as a holler.

Two Old Farts in 2020

Happy New Year Blog Family. We're excited to start this new year and change things up a little.

The first thing we want to announce is that the blog family is expanding. We've reached out to people we respect and whose voices compliment our thoughts and this blog and have invited them to guest post and be an old fart (small letters, not capital Old Farts because Carolyn and I are the oldest, and although I promised to never mention it, Carolyn is the fartiest).

So we'll be excited for you to meet some of our new friends and contributors.

We're also exploring starting some video blogging and Carolyn has promised to video her first tattoo session for the blog.

We'll be having a psychic visiting soon so that should be an eye opening experience.

And rumor has it that there might be a lawsuit in the future but that will be Carolyn suing me for 15+ years of besmirching her character (since I have no character this could get interesting).

So hap-hap-happy new year and here's to an exciting and productive 2020 with more content, more fun and a fuck load more naps.

Carolyn's January Books

So, I appear to have pre-ordered more books for January 2020 than I realized. And about a month ago, I pruned my pre-orders so Lord only knows what it looked like before!

More than half the fun of pre-ordering is having a book pop into your Kindle with a "Surprise, surprise!" It's a good feeling and usually they're good reads (IMO). 

Anyway, here goes.


1.  Title: Wedding at the Riverview Inn
     Author: Molly O'Keefe
     Publisher: self published (I think)
     Releases: January 6, 2020
     Price: $3.99

An emotional tale of a magical inn, a wedding gone terribly wrong and a woman searching for a second chance.

Alice has hit rock bottom. Once a Michelin-starred chef, she is now drowning in debt, working the line at a chain restaurant and drinking too much. The last person she ever expected to come knocking with a job offer and a fresh start is her ex-husband, Gabe.

Gabe built The Riverview Inn with his dad and brother. Now, the grand lodge in the Catskill Mountains is nearly ready for the opening event—a society wedding for 500 guests.

The only thing missing is a chef. That’s where Alice comes in.

The deal Gabe offers Alice is too good to pass up: help him get through this wedding and he’ll get her out of debt.

But nothing is simple at The Riverview and soon she’s dealing with a bridezilla, pink swans, a series of mysterious letters and a teenage delinquent. Through it all, one thing is clear—her feelings for Gabe burn as bright as they always have.

When the wedding is over, will Alice walk away for good? Or will The Riverview work its magic on Alice and Gabe?

I love just about anything Molly O'Keefe writes. I am more comfortable with this particular pen name but M. O'Keefe writes keepers too and I just skim what I don't want.


2.  Title: A Fake Girlfriend for Chinese New Year
     Author: Jackie Lau
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 7, 2020
     Price: $2.99

After his family’s matchmaking extravaganza at Thanksgiving, high school teacher Zach Wong is terrified of what his parents might do for Chinese New Year. Surely they’ll try to set him up yet again, especially now that his older brothers are in relationships. Zach, however, has no interest in dating, not since his fiancée left him.

The solution? Find a fake girlfriend to avoid his parents’ matchmaking.

Jo MacGregor, the town dentist, is the obvious choice. They both live in Mosquito Bay and have been friends for years, ever since they bonded over broken engagements. A few kisses and dates around town, and everyone will believe they’re in a relationship. No problem.

Except their fake relationship is starting to feel more and more real…

I don't think I've read this author before, so this is a nice price point to check her out.


3.  Title: Sweep with Me
     Author: Ilona Andrews
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 14,2020
     Price: $3.99

There’s no place like home for the holidays…especially at Innkeeper Dina DeMille’s bed and breakfast, which welcomes guests who are literally out of this world!

That's not much of a blurb, but those familiar with the Andrews and this particular series, know they'll get a rip roaring story.The holiday is not an earthly one and so - anything goes!


4.  Title: Strange Love: An Alien Abduction Romance 
     Author: Ann Aguirre
     Publisher: self published
     Releases: January 15, 2020
     Price: $2.99

 He's awkward. He's adorable. He's alien as hell.
Zylar of Kith B'alak is a four-time loser in the annual Choosing. If he fails to find a nest guardian this time, he'll lose his chance to have a mate for all time. Desperation drives him to try a matching service but due to a freak solar flare and a severely malfunctioning ship AI, things go way off course. This 'human being' is not the Tiralan match he was looking for.

She's frazzled. She's fierce. She's from St. Louis.
Beryl Bowman's mother always said she'd never get married. She should have added a rider about the husband being human. Who would have ever thought that working at the Sunshine Angel daycare center would offer such interstellar prestige? She doesn't know what the hell's going on, but a new life awaits on Barath Colony, where she can have any alien bachelor she wants.

They agree to join the Choosing together, but love is about to get seriously strange.

Ann has been putting two chapters monthly in her newsletter, so I'm able to tell you this story is a hoot. Not terribly deep but with likeable characters, no tentacles and lots of laughs (especially the dog!). I can definitely recommend it and I do. Lol.


5.  Title: Headliners
     Author: Lucy Parker
     Publisher: Carina Press
     Releases: January 20, 2022
     Price: $4.99 (ebook)

He might be the sexiest man in London, according to his fan site (which he definitely writes himself), but he’s also the most arrogant man she’s ever met.

She might have the longest legs he’s ever seen, but she also has the sharpest tongue.

For years, rival TV presenters Sabrina Carlton and Nick Davenport have traded barbs on their respective shows. The public can’t get enough of their feud, but after Nick airs Sabrina’s family scandals to all of Britain, the gloves are off. They can barely be in the same room together—but these longtime enemies are about to become the unlikeliest of cohosts.

With their reputations on the rocks, Sabrina and Nick have one last chance to save their careers. If they can resurrect a sinking morning show, they’ll still have a future in television. But with ratings at an all-time low and a Christmas Eve deadline to win back the nation’s favor, the clock is ticking—and someone on their staff doesn’t want them to succeed.

Small mishaps on set start adding up, and Sabrina and Nick find themselves—quelle horreur—working together to hunt down the saboteur…and discovering they might have more in common than they thought. When a fiery encounter is caught on camera, the public is convinced that the reluctant cohosts are secretly lusting after one another.

The public might not be wrong.

Their chemistry has always been explosive, but with hate turning to love, the stakes are rising and everything is on the line. Neither is sure if they can trust these new feelings…or if they’ll still have a job in the New Year.

This book is approximately 96,000 words

I have read every one of Lucy Parker's books and have liked every single one. Even her prickliest characters are likeable and certainly a bunch of fun. This is book 5 in the London Celebrities series. A fun series indeed!


6.  Title: Stars Beyond
     Author: S K Dunstall
     Publisher: Penguin
     Releases: January 21, 2020
     Price: $9.99

The crew of Another Road are back, closer than ever to the biggest score in the galaxy. . . if they can stay a step ahead of the Justice Department agents and Company men tracking them.

An engineer with a fondness for weapons. A captain with no memory. An obsessive genemodder who loves to tinker. Meet the crew of Another Road.

Josune, Roystan, and Nika have escaped the company thugs trying to kill them. They've gotten a new spaceship to replace The Road (after it was blown up underneath them). And their new ship is armed to the teeth with dangerous weapons, courtesy of Josune. All that's left to do before they head out to find the legendary lode of transurides is to restore Roystan's memory. To do that, they need to collect the genemod machine Nika has ordered.

But first, they have to shake off the Justice Department agent and the Companies tracking them.

It should be easy. They've done it before. What could possibly go wrong?

This is the second book in the Stars Uncharted Series and this is the author(s) who wrote the Linesman series. It's a good, old fashioned space opera with lots of interesting characters and plenty of plot. I'll have to reread the first book 'cause my memory is not exactly up to par these days.  


7.  Title: Heartland
     Author: Sarina Bowen
     Publisher: Tuxbury Publishing
     Releases: January 28, 2020
     Price: $3.99

An emotional friends to lovers romance full of risky secrets and late-night lessons in seduction.

Dylan is my best friend, and the only person in my life who understands me. He doesn’t mind my social awkwardness or my weird history. The only glitch? He doesn’t know that I’ve been hopelessly, desperately in love with him since the first day we picked apples together in his family’s orchard.
But I know better than to confess.
Now that we’re both in college together, I’m seeing a new side of him. College Dylan drinks and has a lot of sex. None of it with me.
Until the night I foolishly ask him to tutor me in more than algebra…and he actually says yes.
But the cool morning light shows me how badly I’ve endangered our friendship. And I don’t know if anything will be the same again.

I don't know why I like Sarina Bowen's writing/stories so much. Usually her characters are younger than any grandchildren I might have. But, so it is. I especially like her Ivy Years series and they are sooo young in that. *shrug*

Anyway, this is book 7 of the True North series and Dylan is the youngest son of the Shipley family; I think they've run out of siblings, maybe. This is probably not the place to start with this series altho' hopefully this book will be able to stand alone.