Self Care/Shelf Care

 Good morning Carolyn!

Well, I discovered a huge drawback to working from home: the 4am phone call on the office phone. Yeah, an insurance company from Texas who doesn't understand time differences. I didn't answer the phone at the time of course, but boy, did that surprise me.

I got your gifts yesterday and I am tickled raspberry. Which is the color of the drink mixer you sent. And possibly the flavor of some of the vitamins. I'm so grateful. Having a small collection/hoard prepared for post-surgery just lifts my spirits so much. It's another form of self-care. 

Once I saw a Twitter thread and the question was "What's the most Luxe thing in your life?". I wanted to live in that thread it was so wonderful. Because for all the people who mentioned trips to Europe, the majority were talking about silk pajamas or charcuterie boards. The every day self-care that we do to remind ourselves we're worth silky fabrics against our skin, pretty lunches and the pleasure of surroundings that whisper to our souls.

I know that you know what I'm saying. We've sent each other so many pictures of our shelves and our walls. The colors, the dragons, the flowers. The small things that you look at and it's a small breath of pleasure.

Self care (for me) is also a way to gauge my mental health. Putting my moisturizer on in the morning, painting my nails. These are small things but big tells. I'm working hard right now to remember to do my nails and use my skin care products. It's a way to show that I'm taking care of myself. Not doing these small things are sometimes easy ways to see I'm not feeling good. Not taking care of self = not liking self.

It is something I really celebrate that we both do. When you tell me that you prepared a salad with all the ingredients you love, I think Carolyn is caring for herself and I'm so happy. When you talk about your favorite painting on the wall and how it makes you feel, my soul celebrates.

There are so many facets to self care. And it's tied so tightly to our daily mental health. That is something I try to remain aware of and always work on. If your surroundings are neat, your clothes clean, your items put away and all the small things are smoothed down nd not creating jagged surfaces in your brain: then you are truly taking the best care of yourself. It's a good thing to strive for.

My 216 Pound Life

 Dear Carolyn,

well now that you mentioned it, I'm watching my 600 Pound Life. Wow. It's super hard to watch someone go from over 600 pounds to under 200 and still be so unhappy. 

You know, all fat people think that if they just lose the weight then everything would be fine. Obviously it doesn't work like that. They're obviously healthier. But it isn't a miracle. We all want miracles..

Speaking of miracles, Carolyn: my brother said he'll happily go with me to Oahu for surgery! Do you believe it? I'm so happy. I really wanted a family member with me and he didn't even hesitate when I asked. I'm so fucking happy!!!

So I finally looked up my insurance guidelines for bariatric surgery. So here's the thing that scares me: I have no underlying health conditions. I have hypertension but no diabetes. No sleep apnea (but I have to have the sleep study per insurance guidelines). The only way I qualify for surgery is with my BMI. You have to have a BMI of 40 or over. Mine is 44. 

So that's what's bothering me: if I start the pre-op diet now (which I feel like I should be doing) and start exercising then I'll lose weight. And would I be able to drop under the 40 BMI? Will I not be able to do the surgery?

I'm Wigging Out!!

 Carolyn my dear,

I think I'm buying a wig. OMG! I'm cracking myself up. It was so much fun to go through all the Amazon pages and imagine the fun of putting a different color on daily and just having fun. You know, that's what's missing in so much of what we do: the fun.

It's an interesting notion, if you think about it. There are so many moments daily where you can stop and take a moment of gratitude, or pride or pleasure and that's your day. But fun. The joy of being silly or inventive or just doing that thing that makes you laugh because it's good fun.

So this weekend has been about getting things done. The dryer is finally fixed so 3 loads of laundry got done. I cleaned my closet so it now reflects more of what I want. I put my beginning Bariatric hoard into plastic so it's organized. I redid my food log and my activity log. I went to the dump. I cleaned the floor. I'm really pleased with everything that's done but I can't say there was any fun in it.

WIGS

This was fun. Especially with the knowledge that post surgery you're practically guaranteed hair loss and that isn't fun at all. This is such a nice way to acknowledge that but to do it with pizazz.

Anyway, I've been thinking about looks/body/appearance and having some thoughts. A lot more thoughts than I want to try and discuss in this post. But following Bariatric support groups and blogs, it's hard not to notice that a huge part of the journey for a lot of women is to wear fashion. To dress like the other women. It's about being able to blend in, something you never feel like you do when you're fat. When you're fat you always stand out from the crowd. Your size is a neon light. Even if nobody is looking at you, when you're fat you know the entire world is staring at you. And judging harshly.

(We judge ourselves so severely, we can't believe the world isn't doing the same. The greater truth is that when you're fat. you're invisible because you're not the proper kind of feminine. If a man doesn't want to put his penis in you, you basically cease to exist.)

And my mind starts to skip along and I wonder if I really want to blend in? Do I want to disappear? Do I want to blend into the crowd and find a new way to not be seen?

Would that be any fun?

Anyway, I don't have any easily found answers right now. I'm in the beginning of this journey and asking the questions. There's a lot of questions.

I love you friend. We'll talk later.

Starting the Hoard

 Dear Carolyn,

I should start taking pictures and posting them here. Give you an idea of where I'm at, what I'm doing...

Anyway, I got my first bariatric delivery from Amazon. 12 Premiere Protein Chocolate/Peanut Butter protein shakes and 10 Lemon Pepper Tuna packets. I'll be living on Protein Shakes for a long while before and after surgery. From the sounds of it, protein shakes and supplements become a mainstay of a person's diet. So I'm planning on buying plenty.

I have to keep a food journal which I started a couple of days ago. I really don't have enough protein in my diet. 

Last night Myrna made pork chops, scalloped potatoes and salad for dinner. It was very delicious and very filling and a little heart breaking to think that this is going away soon. Soon, of course, being relative. 

OMG! I just got my appointment for EKG and Pulmonary Function test for next week Thursday. But I have to have a Covid test on Monday (yeesh and yuck). This is Lori pushing her agenda forward. 

This is a good moment. You know the roller coaster that emotions are so when things fit well, it's so special. That's how I feel right now. 

The electrical problem we had is hopefully fixed which means I get to spend this weekend doing my laundry. I'm ready to wash everything I own. You know what a pain this has been so yay to it getting fixed. 

Oh God Carolyn, I have to get a nasal swab Covid test. No matter how nice life is, they're going to poke my brain with an xtra large q-tip.  LOL!!

Lori

The Rabbit Hole of Obsession

 Dear Carolyn,

I've been lost in a rabbit hole of bariatric surgery information. Joining online support groups, watching TikTok bariatric videos, reading articles and books and rewatching videos sent from my bariatric team.

And last night I melted down.

I knew it was coming. Obsession like that is a combination of needing to become a personal expert, needing to prepare and needing to hide. As long as I'm "doing my research" then I'm not dealing with the real issues. You know: like having the first surgery of my life or not being able to eat. Or having a future as a skinny person.

Or what will I do with all the excess skin?

So last night the lights went out and my brain was banging crazy in my head and I needed to slow it all down. So I put on Psyche by JooHoney/Jooheon and I cried. I cried because I'm terrified. I cried because I don't want to fuck this up. I cried because I love Patty melts and I'll bet I won't be eating those anymore. I cried because I can't imagine what my future looks like and I feel paralyzed.

I'm trying to power forward. To be as prepared as possible. Think ahead, plan ahead. Remember that I'm doing this to get surgery on my knees and stop living in pain. To be mobile again. To walk down stairs while facing forward (yeah, I can't do that).

But then I think about how I always sabotage myself and how will I do that in this instance? Can I ot do that this time/ How will I know I've got this? 

I probably have about 3 months before surgery. That's a lot of time t prepare. To hopefully calm down. To get a plan in place. I'll take advantage of any therapy/counseling offered and I'll definitely continue post surgery.

Oh yeah... and I need (for myself) to take some pics in my undies to start recording the journey. Stay away from your text messages for awhile. I don't promise not to share.

Lori

How Much Intestines Do We Need Anyway?

 Dear Carolyn,

it's a good thing I don't believe in portends or signs or I'd be in big freaking trouble. I had my first bariatric appointment today and then on the way home my car tire shredded (literally shredded) and I was abandoned on the side of a road with no cell phone service) (Angels everywhere though and people did try to help).

Anyway, I will be getting the surgery. There's a choice of 2: full gastric bypass or gastric sleeve. I need to have more conversations with other people to know which to do. But I'm figuring by the end of January it should happen. 

I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. I mean, we both know that losing weight is something I can do. Keeping weight off is not. The surgery will take the weight off and if I'm willing to work with the team and d the real work of taking care of me, then the weight should stay off. Which means knee surgery in my future and a visit to Japan to see Mollie and walk the wild streets.

But weight Carolyn. Talking to a woman about weight is more than numbers or intentions or dietary misdeeds and good doings. It's a lifetime of never being pretty enough, skinny enough, worthy enough. Gaining weight as a teenager was a way to create a boundary of fat to keep my father's hands off me. It was a wall to hide behind. It was the most necessary and hated part of me.

Can I be thin? I don't know how to be thin. If I don't have my buffer of fat then what do I rely on? If I'm rejected I lose the convenient excuse of my weight to blame. When I fail then I fail, not my weight.

God, it's a ridiculous door to open. That room where weight resides is the worst room in the house. Created as one thing, turned into a half dozen other. It's a million excuses, even more heartbreaks and it's comfortable. So comfortable to have this fat to hide behind.

You and I will have a lot of conversations about this one, honey babe. I'd suggest you bring snacks, you might need it  ;)

Lori

My Sexuality is Marie Kondo Asking: "Does it Spark Joy?"

 Dear Carolyn,

I can't say it's been a long time since we talked because I just hung up the phone after talking to you. But there's so many changes from day to day and I'm sitting in my bedroom right now and wishing we had so much more time to talk and really say... everything.

I've been spending the last few days living amidst physical chaos as I'm trying to organize my bedroom into a working space, hobby space and living space. That's a lot to do to one little room. But now that I'm working from home it feels like my bedroom is becoming a lot more an office space and I don't want that to be its definition. 

Transitioning to working from home has been really interesting. But that is a blog post in itself. I think where I'm feeling the most lost is trying to bring my hobbies/interests into my space. Also because I don't know exactly where my interests currently lay. I  don't feel overly motivated to sew, I haven't had a new pig skull to decorate in ages and I fucked up my knitting project and need some help to get it back on track.

I did find a fabric stash (yay cleaning!) that I had plans to make something for Mollie and I'm thinking that maybe I should noodle on that. 

Anyway, I still have some more reorganizing to do in my closet and then I think I'm done. I should probably fold my pants and put them in a drawer instead of hang them and then I can display my purses. I might now have the 100s that I covet but I do like what I have and it would give me pleasure to have them out.

I'll talk to you tomorrow, friend. I meet the bariatric surgeon and his team in the morning and I have a feeling that's going to be interesting/