I'm Wigging Out!!

 Carolyn my dear,

I think I'm buying a wig. OMG! I'm cracking myself up. It was so much fun to go through all the Amazon pages and imagine the fun of putting a different color on daily and just having fun. You know, that's what's missing in so much of what we do: the fun.

It's an interesting notion, if you think about it. There are so many moments daily where you can stop and take a moment of gratitude, or pride or pleasure and that's your day. But fun. The joy of being silly or inventive or just doing that thing that makes you laugh because it's good fun.

So this weekend has been about getting things done. The dryer is finally fixed so 3 loads of laundry got done. I cleaned my closet so it now reflects more of what I want. I put my beginning Bariatric hoard into plastic so it's organized. I redid my food log and my activity log. I went to the dump. I cleaned the floor. I'm really pleased with everything that's done but I can't say there was any fun in it.

WIGS

This was fun. Especially with the knowledge that post surgery you're practically guaranteed hair loss and that isn't fun at all. This is such a nice way to acknowledge that but to do it with pizazz.

Anyway, I've been thinking about looks/body/appearance and having some thoughts. A lot more thoughts than I want to try and discuss in this post. But following Bariatric support groups and blogs, it's hard not to notice that a huge part of the journey for a lot of women is to wear fashion. To dress like the other women. It's about being able to blend in, something you never feel like you do when you're fat. When you're fat you always stand out from the crowd. Your size is a neon light. Even if nobody is looking at you, when you're fat you know the entire world is staring at you. And judging harshly.

(We judge ourselves so severely, we can't believe the world isn't doing the same. The greater truth is that when you're fat. you're invisible because you're not the proper kind of feminine. If a man doesn't want to put his penis in you, you basically cease to exist.)

And my mind starts to skip along and I wonder if I really want to blend in? Do I want to disappear? Do I want to blend into the crowd and find a new way to not be seen?

Would that be any fun?

Anyway, I don't have any easily found answers right now. I'm in the beginning of this journey and asking the questions. There's a lot of questions.

I love you friend. We'll talk later.