Carolyn and I have been friends. We met on the Il Divo fansite and very quickly became close. And in 19 years we have shared everything except one thing: the same space.
I’m going in September to Selma. I’m going to meet Carolyn.
I’m giddy as fuck right now.
It hasn’t been a full week yet, but I am officially retired. I was in Maui last week on Tuesday and Wednesday and once I came home Wednesday evening, I was no longer employed.
I left my job saying that I would be available to come back to Maui if needed whether for training or staffing purposes, I’m beginning to think that I was being too kind. I don’t know that I ever want to go back to work.
I haven’t done anything extraordinary. I’ve napped, move some furniture, cooked a little bit. I think more than anything there’s just been a sense of amazement that I can wake up in the morning and not have an immediate pressure of having to be present for somebody else.
In fact, I think one of the issues I’m having right now is with my daughter who is starting a new position. She’s having a hard time adjusting starting this new job and I feel like she’s been very greedy of my time and energy while she’s going through this.I don’t know how to possibly explain to her that as much as I want to be present and empathetic with her at all times, right now I want to simply be present for myself.
I feel like I’ve spent so much time in my life tiptoeing around other people. I spent so much time viewing inadequate. I’ve spent so much time trying to fit in. And suddenly the only place I need to fit into is my own life. And the best thing about it-is that I’ve never lived a life like this.
It’s going to take some time to learn my own flow. To figure out when to rest and when to push. To navigate my tiredness, my desires, and my intentions. I feel wonderful. Even though I’ve just begun this journey I can tell it’s going to be the most personally pleasing time of my life.
and my dissatisfaction with the last 4 episodes.
I am openly and proudly a Polin fan. I love Nicola Coughlan and I’ve adored Penelope. Especially since Penelope is most of us: ignored, silent, faded into the background. So seeing the chubby wallflower with the stars in her eyes become the heroine was a treat for all of us wallflowers.
And the first four episodes of Season 3 were awesome. I loved watching Colin yearn for Pen. Luke Newton did a brilliant job staring wistfully and longingly at Nicola Coughlan. And Nicola Coughlan’s breasts did a wonderful job heaving. (That woman has amazing breasts, by the way.)
So here I am on the first official day of my retirement. I have chocolate drizzled popcorn, Diet Coke and the last 4 episodes of Season 3 and … spoiler city coming:
It was too busy. Too many storylines. What was all of that?
There was too little Polin loving. In Episode 4 we got the carriage fingering so in Episode 5 we get the lovemaking which included Nicola’s breasts on display (again, gorgeous breasts) as well as more of her which all looked delectable as well as Luke’s amazing ass. I swooned. I grinned. I was greedy for more.
So why did they spend the rest of the time fussing and sleeping separately? Colin did a 180 and suddenly became a man-child and Penelope blinked away 100 years of tears. I wanted Polin hotness and instead got Polin sogginess.
And can I mention that Benedict’s story made no sense. I mean, I love the inclusion created in Shondaland’s Bridgerton universe. But there is no way a bisexual member of the ton is going to live a rainbow life in that time period. They fudge a lot but come on… Benedict liking dick is not going to be accepted in any version of the early 1800s unless you’re writing Science Fiction.
And also what was that ending with Francesca? I liked her romance a lot. Someone had mentioned that she seemed a bit autistic or neurodivergent and that seemed really spot on. So her romance with Kilmartin made sense. But then his cousin showed up and Francesca couldn’t speak to her and in the carriage at the end she looked miserable. Why? What was the purpose of the cousin? Is she there for Eloise?
I wanted to love it. I loved the first 4 but the following 4 were too busy, too much and not enough Polin loving each other. I was disappointed.
So my boss is having me come to Maui next week, train a couple of people in a couple of things they do not know, and then leave. For good. Turn in my computer, phone & scanner. Get the hell out of Dodge. Bye bye Miss American Pie.
I'm feeling all sorts of ways about it. Relief is primary. But there's so many other things. Fear. Excitement. Curiosity.
I've always loved every day I've been off work. But it's always been tempered with the understanding that I would go back to a job. So what happens when every day is Saturday?
I'm not making major retirement goals. In fact, my goals are simple: go to the gym at least twice a week and sit by the ocean at least weekly. Otherwise I'm going to slowly get projects done, work on a cleaning schedule for housework and learn to bake Jewish pastries.
I don't want to build up the idea of retirement in my head and disappoint myself. This is becoming the "what would you do if you could do anything?" part of my life. Especially since I don't want to climb mountains or jump out of planes. Do I want to paint? Write poetry? Read? Bake bread?
What do you do when your purpose in life changes to just living your life? Going to find out sooner than planned.
I dreamt my mother was trying to kidnap my daughter. We were trying to get away from her but she was following us and constantly trying to enlist other people to help her steal my kid. Mollie and I were dodging through crowds, busting onto crowded flights, trying to hide.
Mom's been dead for 19 years. In fact, this month makes it 19 years.
The dream was just a bunch of stress saying "look at me". Stress dreams are common and have similar themes: all involving keeping Mollie safe.
An interesting tidbit is that Mollie is providing stress for me right now. I'm trying to navigate our relationship which for Mollie, is unchanged. But the constant Mom duty and devotion is getting harder to do. She lives on a different continent, a different time zone, a different language. She just got a new job which is paying her more than my current paycheck. Being the same Mom to an adult of 23 years as I was when she was 15, is not cutting it.
And the job is nothing but stress. I gave notice but I need to do some training before I leave. I was asked to come to Maui for a week which I declined. I'll go for 2 different overnights and will be available for further as needs dictate. But after the second training, my equipment will be turned in and I will be off staff.
I'm not worried about retiring. I'm just so fucking tired I want it to start yesterday.
My brother and I were texting and I told him it's a go, I am retiring. He's older than me and looking for a new job. Why not retire?, I asked. He said he's started really thinking about it lately. He asked me what I'm going to do to keep myself from vegetating. I said nothing. I look forward to some vegetating. Just as I look forward to getting projects done and spending more time scrapbooking and learning witchcraft.
We all need a fuck ton less stress.
And let me tell you about the cats. OMG. The kitten is a delight. I've decided that whether it's a girl or boy doesn't matter and I naturally call cats she so she it is. Kitara is her name. She's in love with Wednesday and they play and have started cuddling. She lets me pet her when I give her food but she's still shy around me. It doesn't matter. She's so perfect as a housecat. She has no desire to be outside. She has food, friendship and fun right here and she's loving it.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'll be napping a lot. And later making bacon popcorn. And I'm slowly replacing all the kitchen cabinet knobs so maybe I'll be able to finish that today. Or tomorrow. Or before I turn into an asparagus.
