Wednesday

I just love this picture of Murder. 

Anyway... today was the day I was supposed to see my sister for lunch but then I canceled because, well... you know. I'm feeling so good about my choice. I wanted to see her but not the rest of them. I have love for my sisters-in-law but there's a lot of mixed feelings with it. 

I saw a TikTok video where a woman was saying that since she distanced herself from certain members of the family, time has allowed other family members to really see and understand the toxic behavior. When the "lightening rod" of the family is removed, where does all that extra sparkle go? 

Anyway, I've been very isolated lately and I'm finding that it's quite soothing. I haven't been reading but I've been listening to a lot of different music and loving it. I've been tinkering in the apartment and love it.

I've also given up on prescribed meal times and eat when I'm hungry. The other day I had dinner at 3:30. Last night I ate celery and dip at about 8. My body is finally being listened to. It's extraordinary. Very calming.

Today is grocery day and that excites me. So much cheese waiting to be eaten.

Anyway: just a check in. I'm back to following politics a little because I'm starting to feel safe in my space. And Elon Musk buying Twitter? Well fuck. All these billionaires who could solve world hunger (or even childhood hunger/poverty) without taking a financial hit but they'd rather spend 44 billion on buying a platform to make people stop hurting their feelings.

Men are too damned fragile. Seriously. They all see themselves as alpha and warriors and yet watch them at their lives. Most men would fold if living in our lives. Women take pain and turn it into beauty. Men take pain and shoot up nightclubs.

Okay, enough. I am going to go buy cheese. And crackers. And a salad pack or 2. Life is so good...

Viva Democracy!

 

Now I remember why I stayed off Twitter: it's nice to be ignorant of how the world is sliding into tyranny and demagoguery. People are angry that they can't say the racist shit out loud without some liberal trying to take away their First Amendment Rights. Others are angry because they can't just demand sex from women and have to take no for an answer.

Democrats are trying to take away your guns, fuck your children, turn your children either gay or trans, give people free cell phones, drive women to abortion clinics in state funded Cadillacs. Democrats have become the enemy because well, we're okay with non-binary people and yeah, America was built on slavery and you can't make it a good thing. 

They really do hate us. I saw that with my brother. Over the course of 7 or 8 years when I lived with him how we had differences but we could talk. He likes guns. I do not. He could talk to me without his voice rising about it. We didn't always agree but we remained polite. (We rarely agreed but we remained polite.)

Then Trump happened. And Black Lives Matter. And in the span of 4 years the disagreements turned into rage and and democracy became something people no longer believed in.

Why Black Lives Matter? (My opinion). Because in saying Black Lives Matter, we are saying that black people have it harder than us. That the system is biased and it kills them while we (white people) thrive. By admitting that black lives matter we are admitting that we have held up a racist system and we need change.

I am not responsible for racism. I don't consider myself racist although I'm far from a perfect ally. Black Lives Matter. I believe it. My brother doesn't. And why? Because by centering on the systemic racism in our country, we alter the conversation from where it belongs: on the oppressed white man. Black lives don't matter more than I do, screams the Republican. My life is hard, he whines. People are demanding that I respect others while they don't respect me.

Anyway, on a personal note I was unpacking some of the shit of how my relationship with my brother changed. How he went from one of my favorite people on the planet to someone I want to avoid. Why was I associating my brother with trauma in my brain? It was Trump, is what I kept telling myself but here's the thing...

In the 4+ years of Trump and Black Lives Matter, my brother got angrier. It got personal. Non-binary people, living their own lives, affects the foundation of what my brother believes. He's being asked to show them a modicum of respect and leave them alone but no... it's an affront to his world. To the 1950 fantasy of being the man of the house and being respected by everyone because he has the job, the car, the house. He has the toys. He is the man.

And the more the world changes, the angrier he becomes. Black people saying the police kill them. Black on black crime is bigger than police killing, he says. Women want to have abortions. Abortion isn't birth control, he says while forgetting that he's paid for two in his past. And non-binary people? What if I identify as a helicopter?

And it wasn't that I got exhausted or sick of the conversation. The conversation got angrier. He attacked more. He was enraged. And his jokes about being armed were a little more frequent.

Trigger warning: trauma

So I realized that I was living in a house where I became the face of the enemy. I believe black lives matter. I believe that gender binary is a social construct and I really adore non-binary choices. I don't think America is a Christian country, abortions are healthcare and the patriarchy is killing us.

And when my brother screamed at me and called me that bitch, my safety changed. I was living with a man with multiple weapons who saw me as an enemy. I didn't plan on moving out, I didn't want to move out. But I had to move out. It's why I was miserable from November to February because my life turned upside down and I didn't understand what happened. And every time I've seen my brother since, he's been unsmiling, dour, unhappy.

And I finally realized that I've been in flight mode because I believe he can kill me and if provoked, would. I am no longer his sister. I am no longer someone he loves. I am the face of what makes his life wrong. Fox News and Donald Trump made me my brother's enemy and my brother is an enraged white, Christian, 1950s loving man who wants to stomp the shit out of something.

He scares me. So I left my family, I left the news and I've been in hiding (in a way). 

Shit... that's a lot to unpack. I need a cookie.

Burnout

 I love my hair. (Just paying myself a compliment. It's something Emily Nagaski, PhD said we should do in the Netflix series Pleasure. She said we should stand in front of the mirror every day and say what we like about our bodies. We might learn to like them better if we're kinder to them. (I don't plan on doing this daily on the blog, just thought I'd start here.)

Emily Nagaski, PhD with her sister wrote the book Burnout, the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle which is also the base of the therapy I'm doing currently. Interestingly, my therapist never heard of the book and I think I'm going to send her a copy because both book and therapist also touch on body issues, diet culture and how the patriarchy is destroying us.

Anyway, this week has been extremely difficult. A lot of stresses building up and releasing through body work, tears and 2 food binges that were acknowledged and stopped. 

My sister and her wife arrive on island today. I had planned not to see them but then my sister called and asked me to change my mind. I accommodated her but then food binged and had therapy and realized that seeing my sister and my 2 sister in laws was too much for me right now. I texted my sister and told her that I would love to see her but only her. She hasn't responded. I don't think she will.

Just realized: if you compromise on your boundaries when you're just learning to set them, that's like 100 steps backwards. 

Ha. Seriously just happened a minute ago: I sent an email status report to my boss about a new process we're doing and he wrote back and said he wants to have a brief chat this weekend to catch up. He's done this before and not called. So I replied : can you give me a time estimation so I don't start feeling anxious if I haven't heard from you?

Okay: second cup of coffee. Back to work. Happy weekend y'all.

Happy Easter/Passover/Sunday

 Well in strict defiance of all Passover rules and traditions, I'm baking bread today. Huge urge to smell yeast and make something basic and beautiful. Peanut butter cookies too. Dinner is shrimp and rice so obviously I'm going to be bonding with my kitchen today.

My position as Office Bitch has been secured now. I was working a week ahead and every overbooked appointment got an email to the person who made the appointment (cc'ing the Doctor and Office Manager) telling that person to fix it. They wouldn't listen and now they they're going to get dinged.

Also, a huge problem in the office with insurance verification keeps happening and it became obvious that it was bound to become my problem. So I took a day to look at the problem and realized that the best solution made it my job to fix. Which actually means that the girls not doing their jobs properly just added more hours to my paycheck. Since I've been working about a 72 hour paycheck, they just increased it to an 80 hour paycheck.

And the best part? This is what I love to do. Sit with a bunch of schedules and verify insurance online. Since I can sit with my feet up on my couch, a world of cushions behind me, a cat knocking things over somewhere in the distance... ha! Thanks ladies. More money doing something I enjoy.

So time to find a bread recipe I want to do today. Love to all you glorious women. 

What's Up With the Big Grrrls?

 I'm late to the party but I just met Lizzo. And to say that I'm in love would be an understatement. I'm in awe, in shock, in wonder, in amazement and yes, in love. 

Amazon Prime has a show "Watch Out for the Big Grrrls" and it's (sorry Lea) a reality TV show where Lizzo is looking for dancers to join her tour. She has 13 women, aged 20 - mid 30s audition. Those that make the cut move into a  house together: they dance, learn choreography and have a Lizzo inspired, life changing experience.

Can I mention that all these women are big? From big thighs and poochy bellies to big ass women who jiggle everything when they walk. Their thighs all meet, their boobs all hang and they are the fucking fiercest women. Like Lizzo herself.

The thing about this show is that it's not a standard reality show. When someone falls they're praised and lifted for getting back up again. When someone is noticed to have a difficult personality (multiple small skirmishes with multiple women), she's booted. No drama, no hate. This is a show about lifting women up. And celebrating all bodies, all women.

Did you know Lizzo just started a shapewear line called Yitty? OMG. The clothes are for big girls and  the models are big girls! Not some size 16 Lane Bryant types. 

Anyway, as someone starting a self-love journey, this show brought a lot of tearful moments. There was so much as the women shared their journeys. As Lizzo herself talked about how hard it is to love yourself when the world is out there telling you that fat equals unlovable.

If someone can't love me because of the size of my stomach, their love wouldn't be worth getting. Oh, which is another thing Lizzo keeps telling the women: don't listen to the people who say you can't, even if you're one of the people saying it yourself.

Anyway, I'm a little Lizzo & Harry Styles crazy right now. Talk about people who make you feel better by their existence. And of course Harry & Lizzo are friends.

I love this world.

Vegging Out

 

I haven't gained weight. At least, not in any significant way. And this is me spending 2 months with no eating restrictions, ice cream almost nightly and complete freedom in my kitchen. This is also me with a huge craving for salads and veg dinners because my veg game has been ignored.

My therapist says that as trauma is addressed and a person lives peacefully in their body, a weight shift should happen naturally. And I believe that. I believe that now because I put my scale away awhile ago but weighed myself this morning and after everything, I'm 220. So up maybe 5 pounds.

But yesterday I was planning my grocery list and I just thought that I want to go into the produce section and blow my budget. I'm craving a lot more greens than I've been eating. I also realized that I'm ready to stop buying ice cream and fill up my bins with fruit (I'm craving strawberries).

Other decisions I recently made: 

1. Not painting the wall. It would look good but it's more than I want to do at this time and the space is pretty as is.

2. Not to buy storage solutions for my fridge. They look so cool but I'm one person and don't need that kind of organization when I'm just buying/keeping for one. Don't need a solution for where a problem doesn't exist.

3. Bye bye drink station. Don't need it. Love it but it's wasting space I need.

4. Time to think outside the box with work space. My organizing needs to be within reach, compact and something that makes me smile. Right now I'm rearranging space and playing with storage outside the box (everything is in little boxes and now we're giving my collection of make-up bags a try).

Anyway, payday is tomorrow and so I'm getting my shopping lists together. My cupboards are a little bare and I'm planning to fill it all up.

And I might need to get a Feral Spinster t-shirt made. Time to show Murder isn't the only one with claws in this house.

Improper Ladies

 Carolyn and I were talking this morning and we talked about nursing homes and I said that nowadays instead of sweet, old grannies sitting around talking about their grandchildren, it would be crusty, old grannies comparing what members of the band they blew.

And fitting it into my current world view and hate of the systems that tie us down (the patriarchy, capitalism) I just want to be an improper, unforgiving, angry old woman. And while I'm at it: let me mention that selfish needs to hit that list. I am so done with being worried that I want things. I know that wanting isn't selfish. Taking care of myself isn't selfish.

And having boundaries will never be selfish.

We've become part of the invisible nation. Old women, people with disabilities, the unattractive. We don't enhance the view so we should step out. 

Funny how we lose our sexual attractiveness and find our voice. We stop existing for the male gaze and exist for ourselves. 

(There was a young man in the stairwell next to my apartment practicing his rapping. He might as well have been sitting on my couch with me. So I turned on my TV to a cooking show and he left immediately. Now the TV is off and my apartment is quiet, the way I like it. The accommodating woman has left and this old lady is here instead.)  

Toothless

 I had three teeth extracted yesterday. It wasn't planned. I had an abscessed tooth and expected to get it out. The dentists said that the 3 all together in that space needed to get pulled and gone they were.

In 3 weeks, another 3 are getting extracted. Two from the other side, bottom, and one near the center that broke partially.

I'm unhappy about this. It's hard to feel good about yourself when you want to hide your face.

So I went and did a google search for toothless women to use and realized that one: almost all the pictures the women were smiling or laughing, 2: I don't need to use an image to suggest that I feel something is unattractive because it's in the eye of the beholder and those women weren't unattractive.

Anyway, I'm feeling down about it but also kind of happy that the extraction gave me an excuse to not have to see my family.

Feel sorry for me, though. This is depressing as fuck.

Ka-Boom Baby

 So my sister and her wife are coming later this month and staying with my brother and his wife. They haven't made any plans that include me, I was told that they'll be camping down in Volcano and might come by after. However they'll have 3 dogs with them so I don't expect that will happen.

And I've been waiting to feel that familiar pain of lack of family care or respect but it's kind of missing this time. The truth is that every time my sister and her wife visit, I modulate the shit out of myself. I try to be a lot less me. My sister's wife doesn't like me much and I've done so much to turn that around and now I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.

If they don't want to spend time with me that's perfectly fine. I'm done trying to squeeze into spaces that don't want to make room for me. And that includes family spaces and people's hearts.

I'm starting to see myself in a new light. My therapist tells me that I'm a truth teller, there isn't any bullshit in my observations. I accept that. I have emotional clarity. 

This is going to be like consent. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, then it's a no.

Ha: I just wrote that line and asked myself what about my consent? What about my choice in seeing them? Do I want to be around my family? They're all somewhat toxic. What a whoa. This just became a different game. 

Do I want to see my family this month? What do I want? What do I want?

Wallpapering the Fridge

 

It really works.

The front of the fridge has some not great spots but overall I love it and it breaks up the white.

Funny and not funny at the same time: after I finished I had dinner and then was feeling really weird. I realized that I had done something I really wanted to do, something I had built up in my mind and now it was done, it wasn't that much effort and I didn't have a clue how to feel about it. Without having a critical voice involved, it made me feel very strange.

I also got my shower head replaced to a hand held and my kitchen faucet with an aerator (under $10 at Walmart). 

And a great cleaning hack: I got a dishwashing brush (about $3 at Walmart)

and filled it with Dawn and white vinegar. Put it in the shower and when I was done showering, just wiped down the tub with the brush and rinsed and I cleaned the tub in 3 seconds,

So the weekend is almost here. Murder and I have some serious cleaning and cuddling plans. Probably will make cookies.

Life is good.