Monday Morning Meandering

 It's Monday morning and I just ate a slice of chocolate babka and I'm slowly drinking my morning coffee. We are having a Hilo Hawaii spring which means glorious days and rainy days. My cats are all calm right now, the morning is mellow.

I checked You Tube quickly to see what my news channels were talking about. This go-round with Trump has so much more circus attached that a lot of the headlines or "news" are just there for eye rolling and disgusted "tch" noises.

The thing with the Joker and his cronies is that there are terrifying things happening: especially with ICE and the general lawlessness of their deportations. Even with the courts telling them no, Americans are being kidnapped and deported.

Apparently they have a 'flood the news cycle' rule that's supposed to allow them to hide the heinous. It doesn't. Legacy media, for the most part, is easily distracted. But the new rise of social media news reporters, the You Tube channels (Meidas Touch, Brian Tyler Cohen, Belle of the Ranch) are putting out mass amounts of content and they aren't distracted. You just have to be concise with what you view so as an audience, you don't get burned out.

Brian (BTC) was asked about the stupid headlines on all these videos and he said he doesn't love them either but it's necessary for the views. Belle doesn't have the stupid headlines and she's my favorite channel. I love her calm demeanor, her ability to break information down and the fact that she's willing to communicate with people who disagree with her as long as they aren't stupid. Stupid brings out her sarcasm and she's just too smart to go head to head with.

Anyway, I need to shower, get garbage out and have therapy. I found myself last night wanting to write fiction but it just isn't easy anymore to commit to writing. I have a play, Ever Alice, that I'm working on but it keeps stopping because it's hard to write and I'm approaching the big scene and I don't know how it goes. 

I ordered a print off Etsy from an artist that I bought from once before. The print seems to be lost in the mail. It's not the seller's fault obviously but I paid for an item I haven't received. I want to let her know but is she responsible for any of that? I was thinking I might ask if I can repurchase it but at half price because that way we both lose a little (I lose more) (but it really isn't her fault).

Anyway, meandering thoughts of a Monday morning.

Some Words That Are Helpful

 I release myself from versions of me that I created to survive.

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Everything I lose creates space for everything I need.

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You are not too old and it's not too late.

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Behind every strong person is a story that gave them no choice.

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Don't be afraid to start all over again. You may like your new story better.

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I don't want to be around people I had to heal from.

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Trauma doesn't make people stronger. It damages their nervous system. It hijacks their digestive tract. It keeps the person in a constant loop of hypervigilance. To tell someone they are stronger because of trauma is to deny what it has cost them.

Invitation to All the Binge Eating Me's

 It started in the kitchen of the Seward Park house when I was 15. Peanut butter sandwich after peanut butter sandwich. I wanted to kill myself but I ate instead. 

The cookies. The chips. Brownies. Chocolate. How many iterations of Lori exist with food in their hands, their taste buds numb but unable to stop the hand to mouth repetition. The mindless numbing with food. The escape from emotions that would overrun her?

Come here, peanut butter sandwich Lori. Peanut butter cup Lori. Cheese popcorn and barbecue chips Lori. You with the shortbread and you with the gummy worms. 

Come here please.

I want to thank you.

Thank you for finding a way to keep living. 

Thank you for being brave enough to face the next day.

Your existence has always been an act of resistance and it's time we stop and acknowledge how brave and clever you were/are to find that way to fight.

To find a way to stay.

I exist today because you resisted yesterday. Your choices never revealed themselves to you but they were simple: give up or go on. And even if you chose to go on with a blueberry muffin clenched in your fist, you did it. You kept going.

Last night the weight of what you endured asked for acknowledgement. Instead I receive you, gather you all together and hold you close. It wasn't love that you fought for, it was the hope of peace and safety. Love was always too much to ask for. 

I love you. I exist today because you fought yesterday and I want to give you something now. I want to give you safety. We never had that, did we? I don't want to take anything away from you and I promise from now to death the word diet will be treated like the curse word it is. 

I love you. You wanted to give up. You despaired. But I'm here because you kept going. Chocolate chip cookies cooling in the kitchen and getting up the next day and doing it again.

So many tears. So many bites. And you endured.

I love you. You gave me a life that is safe right now and easier to live. We have love and even a small community of women we trust and care about.

Resistance comes in many forms. Thank you, all of you over all the years, for resisting the call to stop and giving me this life now. You are all loved. You are all appreciated. You are all me and I love us.

Japan Vacation

 I've always told myself that I don't like to travel. I'm a stay at home kind of person. Adventure is not in my DNA. 

I lied.

I don't like the physical act of travel. Airports are too big, crowds are too pushy and airline seats are uncomfortable for more than an hour. But I really enjoyed being in Japan.

My visit was curated by my daughter so we went places that matched our interests. We went to anime shops, crane game centers, Korea town. We did karaoke a couple of times and we went to the bougiest place I've ever been: streets of stores with names you only read in Vogue. Places that they would probably spray me with antiseptic if I dared walk through their doors.

(When stores have a bare minimum of items on display, that is Rich people speak for Shop Here. The bigger the brand, the smaller the display.)

We went to the biggest crosswalk in Japan where Mollie and I held hands crossing because it was a sea of people and terrifying. I saw the video billboards looming in the Japanese night including the cat that knocks things off the edge. I walked on Godzilla Street (an actual street). 

My favorite experiences: a skincare shop in Korea-town where a salesman swooped in on me and guided me to a display for wrinkle care. "Wrinkles," he said pointing at my face. Yes, I bought some.

At the drugstore I was alone and suddenly had to pee. Found an employee and used all the words in English bathroom/restroom/toilet. And he pointed at the sign right next to me. I was standing directly in front of the bathroom. :facepalm:

A small jewelry shop that had the kind of earrings I adore and so many of the items were copies of jewelry from K-dramas. So cool.

We didn't take the bullet train but we took lots and lots of trains and I saw train stations that were two platforms only to stations that took up multiple city blocks.

The best thing was that I saw how my daughter navigates the city and her life and I couldn't be happier for her. She's exactly where she should be and it felt wonderful to share her life. I hope I'll get the chance to go again.

What I Ate in Japan

 We went to a cafe that had cat robot food servers. That was fun. We ate chicken and salad and it was fair. 

Ate a local ramen and disliked the broth.

Went to a Japanese Italian restaurant and ate a green salad with shrimp in it and it was so ordinary and crazy delicious. Had some pasta that was too spicy to eat.

Had hot pot. The meat was boring but the seafood was really good. This was a group dinner with Mollie's friends and one of her friends made shrimp paste/potato balls and put them in the broth to cook but they fell apart. That broth was delicious.

Went to a totally bougie place where I had hummus that was amazing. I really don't like hummus but this was fresh and just so good. I also ate Brussels sprouts with tomato and pine nuts which was the best I ever had. Also had zucchini and goat cheese fritters which were tasty.

Had Chinese food that was boring but had the best mango juice I ever tasted.

Had Korean fried chicken balls (good) and tteobokki (Korean rice noodle) which I fell in love with and bought some packs to bring home. (I also made a pack for me and Mollie which was delicious.) 

Honey potato chips. Really addictive. 

Spicy soy noodles and shrimp. Good.

Had a Burger King Caesar Salad. Boring. Had a McDonald chicken fillet with shaken cheese and that was so good.

Had much less ramen then planned. Made 2 meatloaf's. Made some stir fry. Couldn't make lasagna as planned because there were no lasagna noodles to be found. Drank a lot of cold lattes to handle my coffee addiction.

The Final Countdown

 Today is Monday. Carolyn did not get results today and her doctor is out of office until Jan. 6. We're getting ready for a revolution, at this point.

Megan, who texted me a week ago with the ALS news, is now ghosting me. Carolyn said to give her space and time and she can have all the space and time she needs. It's just that I have limited time since I get on a plane to Japan this Friday.

I'M GOING TO JAPAN IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!

This is crazy: I'm so excited to see Mollie and finally experience her world. We have so many plans and I get to meet her friends and see her old boss (I met his partner and was smitten). We have a few special plans made and I'm just anxious to finally go.

So during the time I am gone, I'm not planning to do anything but enjoy my child and have fun. Let the world burn, I'm eating ramen. 

Holding...

 So Carolyn had her PET scan a month ago. She'd had a CT scan which showed stuff in her lungs that shouldn't be there. So a PET Scan is to determine if it's cancer.

After the scan, she waited. Someone should surely call her with results. Nobody called. Finally, (after much nagging), Carolyn called the imaging center and asked if the report was sent to her doctor. It was not. It was sent to a doctor she had seen once and had no further appointments with.

"Please send it to my doctor, the one who ordered the scan."

And the response: we'll snail mail it because I don't have your doctor's fax number. (Seriously? One phone call will take care of that.)

More nagging and Carolyn finally makes an appointment with her doctor. She tells them it's to get the PET Scan results. Finally she goes to her appointment and nobody has bothered to get the results. As Carolyn is sitting in the office, nothing happens.

This was on Friday. 11am. So the doctor tells Carolyn to go home and she will call that afternoon with the results.

No phone call.

Now it's the weekend and the week of Christmas. Carolyn doesn't know if she has lung cancer. Nobody in her doctor's office is treating this as if it matters.

Just another way that healthcare in the US fails us.