You Can Thank Lea For This

I assume this is not a pacifier made for babies.

Flying Woman

This is a print called Flying Woman by Brian Andreas. It sits right inside my front door, the first thing you see when you enter or leave my home. It's always meant something to me but only recently has she been crawling into my psyche and I've been understanding her better.

The Flying Woman for me is the dreamer. I've always been a dreamer and in my flights of fancy where my stories live, do I rise above all the shit that life throws and I fly.

I fly in creating love stories.

I fly in writing of strong women.

I fly in my faith and belief that HEA's are possible and awaiting us all.

I fly when I read and I read to fly.

Crazy Job Interviews

I'm looking for a new job. Oh God, I'm desperately seeking new employment before my eyes roll to the back of my head, I start speaking in tongues and doing nasty things to a crucifix the likes of which you only read about in an Ellora's Cave story.

Howevs, recently the interviewing thing has gone completely batshit. I mean, I've had some strange interviews but never to the degree and complete cray-cray that I've experienced lately.

On Friday I went to a clinic to interview for a reception position. The manager turned out to be about 25 years old, looked like he belonged on Big Bang Theory (geek warning ahead) and made me regret not going with the dress that shows my boobs to a good advantage. On the other hand, with the difference in our ages, he might have thought I was trying to nurse him.

Anyway, we sat and said a few pleasantries and then the interview started. "So do you have any questions for me?" he asked. And that was the only question he asked. Multiple times.

Just to be clear: he didn't ask about my experience, he didn't ask why I'm looking for another job, he didn't ask me anything except "Do you have any questions for me?"

Apparently I'd gotten the wrong message and I was there to interview him.

Now today I got a phone call from an eye clinic on a resume I sent. I was asked to call the manager's cell phone. I called and it was the most bizarre conversation I ever had.

She asked if I should be calling her during work hours. I said I was at lunch. She said I had her call on the office phone and that felt wrong to her. I said "wtf?".

She asked me where else had I applied. I told her that I felt that was an inappropriate question. She asked why I was looking for another job and I said I wanted to work more hours. She then made it sound as though the job she had was less hours. I pointedly asked her if it was full time and she said it was. I said "wtf?"

She asked if I'd work Saturdays (not mentioned in the advertisement that there were weekend hours). I said some Saturdays but not all because I have a child.  She asked how old my child was. I said "wtf?"

She asked how much money I wanted to make. I said I wanted the highest they were willing to pay (because I try never to name amounts). She said my answer was the opposite of her question. I said "wtf?"

Anyway, I'm an old, old fart and I've had many phone interviews and face to face interviews but these two were the fucking strangest I've ever had in my life. Seriously they were wtf?

Digital vs Paperback

I've seen a lot of people asking how readers prefer to read: digital vs paperback and I've always said digital. Since I got my Kindle I don't like the feel of a book, I dislike having to use 2 hands and I no longer like the weight of a book.

My Kindle is lightweight, it holds my library (plus a fuck lot more) and I can easily prop it up on different surfaces with no prob.

I also have a Kindle Fire that has a case which stands it up vertically or horizontally for reading or watching movies. Absolutely freaking brilliant. Adore it.

I've discovered the only real drawback is the TBR pile. Sharing a library with Carolyn means there are a few thousand books to choose from. And Carolyn is voracious. Obviously I'm not downloading all the books she's getting nor does she download all the books I add but there's still a lot of books between us.

And I don't know what they are.

Sounds silly, no? But it's a huge problem when you read a review of a book that sounds amazing. You buy it. But you're reading the latest Crusie and loving it. Then you finish Crusie and there's that Kleypas you're dying to dive into. And then one day you see a title sitting on your Kindle and you have no freaking idea what it is.

Without immediate access to the cover or black blurb (covers are on the Fire but the Kindle basic where I have most of my books, no covers) you don't know what book it is. I never had this problem with paperbacks. I have hundreds of books in my Kindle and probably don't know/remember what half of them are.

So I put as many as possible in collections and have even started a collection called SERIOUS TBR for those books I'll forget because the author is unknown and the title won't stand out for me, but I really want to get around to reading.

What about the rest of you e-readering people. What's your secret to keeping your library?

Wednesday Random Thoughts

This morning I was thinking about something I saw that said George Takai is the most followed/influencial celebrity on Facebook. And I remember back during the original Star Trek days when I was madly in love with Walter Koenig (Chekov) and wrote him a fan letter and got a picture back of him, Takai and Nichelle Nichols standing on the transporter.

I didn't care for Sulu back then. Now I wish I still had the photo.

~~

My daughter is in the throes of her first real crush. She doesn't completely understand what she's experiencing and can't accept that it's a crush. So she claims to hate the boy while she subtly stalks him and rearranges her schedule so she can see him.

Since he's three grades ahead of her, he hasn't really noticed her nor will he. But I'm watching her with a lot of love and a little sadness. I think I liked it better when she fell in love with cartoon characters.

~~

I can't decide what to read. We have so many books and so many look good for such different reasons that I'm hit with indecision.

~~

This is the cover of my next book and I'm feeling ambivalent about it. I love the cover but I don't think it says erotic romance. Feedback please????

Power of the Story, Part 2

My father, Arnold Green, is a child rapist.

The true story: I was 20 years old and visiting my Mom. I had ceased contact with my father shortly after he'd left her and wrote me a letter telling me not to blame her for basically everything although in the letter he pretty much blamed her for all his choices. (As Carolyn would say: pah!)

So I was in Hawaii spending time with my mother and she told me that she was still in contact with Arnold and he was living with a woman named Wendy who had a seven year old daughter. I pointed out to my mother that my father being near a female child meant rape would take place. My mother informs me that in a conversation with Arnold, he told her that the 7 year old liked to instigate sexual contact with him.

(My father told my mother, years previous, that he was having an affair with my 13 year old friend. He was raping and sodomizing her on a constant basis because her single mom was at work and my friend was home alone. Years later that same woman told me that he made her childhood a living horror.)

Anyway, I called CPS (Child Protection Services) and told them my father's history and that he was living with a child. They stepped in (bless them) but Wendy, the mother, sent them away saying that I made up the story and her daughter was perfectly safe.

I understand my father parted with a lot of money when their relationship ended.

So I wrote a story about it. Oh I changed some things but I wrote about a mother pretty much letting her daughter get fucked by a rich guy and then using it. I was ina creative writing class at the time and turned the story in for group critique. Oh my God, they hated it.

Amazing how people will tell you to your face that no mother alive would do such a thing. They ripped and shredded it. Not the writing but the plot.

Apparently real life is much more disgusting than fiction.

The reason I'm writing this is because I realized recently that I've never really told my stories.  I'm certainly not a shrinking violet but outside of some poetry back when I first started getting published, I've been surprisingly quiet on the subject.

So here are some of my stories. They don't cause me pain any longer and I don't want hugs or pity. But the more our stories go out in the universe, the more we bring others closer to us.

(And yes, there will probably be more. I'm just that way.)

The Power of the Story

My father is a child rapist.

My father is a sociopath.

The thing about growing up with a sociopath in your home, is that you don't completely understand wrong and right because those concepts don't exist for them. What does is exist is a completely narcissistic world view that everybody else in the world is stupid and only the sociopath is right and should get what he wants.

I was lucky (I know it's strange to call this luck) but when I was very, very young I discovered that my father was twisted. A neighbor who knew my parents from years previous, someone who had lived in the apartment building where my father was arrested for molesting a child (and yes, back in the 1950s, he got away with it) moved into our current neighborhood and spread the word.

I was the one who told my parents that something was being said (I might have been about 6 or 7 at the time) and they told me to handle it. I wasn't the most astute at that age but I recognized shame and I thank God for that. Because in that one moment I realized that my father was wrong and he realized it.

I didn't really know what he was wrong about but it became very clear. I'd been raised by him to be a victim but the reaction from the shame and the "don't tell your mother" spelled it out quickly and succinctly. What my father was doing was very very wrong and I wasn't to blame.

Knowing from an early age that I wasn't to blame for what was done to me and for my parent's choices was a great boon to my sanity and my self-awareness. I remember clearly one day my brother and I talking to another brother and sister who very seriously told us that they were responsible to get along well with each other or else their parents would split up. God, I must have only been in second or third grade and I remember so clearly hearing that solemn little boy tell us that and knowing it was a lie. I knew the truth but I couldn't verbalize it to that child. I hope one day he learned the truth too.

It wasn't until 7th grade when I was put in a creative writing class that it all started to come out. I didn't write stories about abused children (ha! that would have rocked) but I wrote stories and poetry about girls who were alienated and hurt. And one day I overheard my father tell my mother that the scariest thing in his life was his daughter being a writer.

I learned at age 13 that words have power. I learned at age 13 that I have power.

I don't want to write a book about about being abused. The Stone Crow was the closest I came and that was enough. Sara's experiences with her father were mine and I don't need to write more. But I have one more story and one more statement.

The story: I was in community college and fell in love with a beautiful boy who fell in love with me also. He had a girlfriend however and he didn't cheat on her. Nor did I. I was friends with her and it was actually lovely to love them both.

The girl had a sad story about being sexually abused when growing up by the father of a friend. Obviously I related to her story and we shared experiences about it and appreciated that we could discuss the hurt and healing with another.

Through a variety of experiences I won't go into, the girl and I discovered that the man who hurt her was my father. It ended our friendship and I never saw the beautiful boy again either and for the longest time it felt like a stone lodged in my heart. I felt guilt that my father caused her pain. I felt guilt that my friendship was poisonous because of my father. I felt guilt.

One day I realized that I carried the guilt because my father never would. My father hurt that sweet woman. He hurt me. He hurt my sister, He hurt my cousin. He hurt my sister's best friend in Hawaii. He hurt the daughter of the woman he dated when he left my mother. He hurt my 7th grade friend. (He hurt her worse than anyone.) (At least that I know of.)

He never felt guilt because he was a sociopath. He left my mother and cut off contact with my siblings (I left him a long time earlier.) He never felt guilt about ceasing being their father. He married a friend of my mother's and moved to another place and has lived in nice houses and I'm sure, has hurt many others in his life.

This is a story and it's the truth. Nobody except a few people who visit this blog will ever know. But it's part of the story of my life and I want to tell it.

My father's name is Arnold Green. He lives in Asheville, North Carolina. He's still alive and married to Bernice Green. They belong to a country club, they give money to charity and my father is a child rapist and a sociopath.

(I'm going to tell another story about him this week so be ready to avoid that post if this subject bothers you.)