I've never been silent about my loathing for my father and his pedophile practices. The number of girls he hurt and safety he stripped away.
It's unforgivable and I do not forgive him.
I am also in contact with him.
My father paid Mollie's tuition for the last two years of college when her loan ran out and we couldn't get another. And after college, he made a deal with Mollie whereas she donated a specific amount to charity for two years and he paid off all her college debt.
I hated him. He rescued my daughter from a lifetime of financial insecurity and I'm grateful to him. He paid off my debt also. As well as all my sibling's debts.
I can't define how I feel any longer. My cousin said he's trying to buy his way into heaven (he's 94 years old). Carolyn said something similar. It might be true. I don't know and I don't really care. I'm just trying to make sure that I can keep strong boundaries with him and not let him hurt me ever again.
So saying all that: it's almost Father's Day. And I went to find a card to send him. And it was fucking crazy.
'Dad, You're the Best Ever'. 'Dad, You Were My Rock on the Seashore of Life'. 'Best Dad Ever'. 'I Love You Father'.
It took quite awhile to find something that didn't celebrate fatherhood. Finally found a card that basically said nothing. And I thought of all the people out there with fathers that were abusive, absentee, alcoholics, angry and all those stories you hear. And how every year we're supposed to pretend Hallmark Happiness and thank him for making our lives trauma filled nightmares.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. I hope you die soon.
Sending you the tightest hug you are comfortable getting from me.
ReplyDeleteI'm fiercely glad he helped Mollie financially, fiercely glad he helped you financially, and even more fiercely glad you are physically as far away as you can and still be in the same country. He can't touch you, he can't touch your girl, he can go to hell.
Az, if we ever meet I shall hug you tightly.
ReplyDeleteI'm next in line for hugs. As AZ says, so glad he helped you and Mollie but he can take a hike. Things haven't always been fantastic with my dad but with all that's going on now, I'm learning to appreciate and treasure the good things/times. I wish it could have been like that for you too, lovely and that you didn't have to go through the trauma you did.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we need to speak with Hallmark and give them some suggestions for 'real' father's day cards that are more appropriate... ;)
MWAH!!! xx