New Year ... (resolution edition)

So let's discuss those pesky little New Year's resolutions that none of us do but some of us spend way too much time thinking about.

As previously mentioned, I'm trying my No Buy year. Obviously I'm being tested with the breakage of everything I own (a little hyperbole) but it's a good lesson. I need a coffee maker. I need a cane. Of course I'm buying those. But I don't need more fabric (which was so tempting) or another container or anything. And I'm trying to extend this to groceries also. 

I'm throwing away expired stuff and asking myself why did I buy it if I'm not using it? I go through phases with food and I need to learn to level it off. Especially at a time like now when I've been binge eating a lot recently. (Christmas is a terrible time for binge eaters. Everything comes mega size and there's so much out there. And I freaking love shortbread cookies.)

Anyway, I gained enough weight recently to feel uncomfortable and huff when I exert even a little. And the funny thing (that isn't funny) is right after I wrote that I started to write "I know what to do" but stopped because I obviously don't know what to do. I'm 65 years old and still going through this. I obviously don't know what to do that going to fit me and my brain. Any human can say "eat less and exercise" but unless you're a person with eating disorders and trauma and a blinding hatred of the diet industry and trying to fit the male gaze ... no, you don't know either. 

I know there's no simple solutions, especially after a lifetime of being a stranger in my body. But I think that there are some simple things that I do know:

I will never diet again in this lifetime.

I need to lose some weight.

I do believe both of those things can be accomplished together. It's a little tug of war. And I have a sweet tooth. And I hate exercise.

Can I find my answer? I hope so. It's not really a resolution but I think if I'm ever going to find a good compromise it's going to involve a lot more protein. Thank God I really like chicken, eggs and seafood.

I have a need to move more just because my knees are getting worse and they're not going to get better. A little less weight on them should cut some of the pain.

So my resolution is to be completely present in myself as I prepare food and eat. I have a goal not to buy sweets anymore but to bake for myself. I love baking, I love eating baked goods and it just feels like a better choice.

I'll probably do a bit of blogging about this. And speaking from experience, other people obsessing about their bodies is a fucking bore. So I apologize in advance.

Now a little story: I have a corner apartment and my apartment has a small walkway on the outside so maintenance can access the front of the building. When my cat Murder goes out at night she often gets on the walkway and I can't get here. She's done it twice before and someone rescued her for me. 

Tonight Murder was outside and got on the walkway and I didn't know what to do because I can't count on a stranger appearing. So I ended up taking the screen off a window and removing the window slats and making an opening. Which I'm delighted to say, worked. Murder jumped up and I grabbed her and got her inside and put the window back.

I feel like a superhero. I am THE CAT RESCUER.

I am mighty. (Mighty glad Murder is inside.)

Love y'all Stay safe. And stay off the roads tonight. Drunk drivers will be out.

Bits and Boobies

Was watching a Fashion Runway season on Netflix and there was a "contest" to make an outfit with certain parameters and one male fashion designer got angry about the women judges criticism saying that nobody understood feminism more than he did. I'm still gaping at his audacity.

**

On Threads I saw a post where a man (total stranger) said "Not wearing makeup is the most attractive thing a female can do. Confidence speaks volumes."

I replied: "Shutting up about women's choices is the most attractive thing a male can do. Silence speaks volumes." He deleted his post.

**

I asked my nail technician about tipping since I always add her tip to my card when I pay. "Do you get the entire amount?" I asked. She said she does not. Since I don't usually carry cash I now have her Venmo account so I can send her tips directly to her.

So glad I asked. I love my nails when she does them.

**

Mollie got the flu and turned into a 10 year old right before my eyes. She wanted me to stay on the phone with her while she was sleeping. It was a combination of sweet and sickeningly dependent. 

Of course when she's supposed to call me, she doesn't. I'm still waiting.

**

Was fighting depression on Christmas (not a big deal, I'm always fighting with depression) and then I pulled out my basket of thread and cast on 120 stitches. Felt better immediately.

**

My No Buy way of living got fucked when my coffee maker broke and I had no cutting mat or rotary cutters for my sewing. And then... my walking cane broke. This month wants to break me. (I got a better coffee maker and a mat and cutter. I'm not living without coffee. I still need to find a cane.)

The Voice in my Head

If my bully said the words

that circle my brain

I would crumble.

How do I show kindness

to the person I hate

most in this world?

The Dollar Dilemma

 

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

Okay, I wrote that and I was wrong. I didn't think I was at the moment but...  I watched some videos which really resonated with me. One was about doing a No Buy 2024 and the other was about Scarcity Mindset.

Scarcity Mindset is fascinating. Anyone who has ever had time without money has issues with having money. Scarcity doesn't lead you into smart money decisions. Scarcity mindset means that you're afraid of not having money to spend. So this happens:

Get Paid

Spend money that you have (because you have it & afraid you won't later)

Have no money because you spent it all

Anxiety

Get Paid (and do it all again)

So I decided to stop shopping. For the year of 2024 I'll not buy anything unnecessary. Also, groceries will be shopped differently. I'll buy things when they run out. And I'll use what I have. 

It's not a big deal and yet it's going to reset a big portion of my life. If I can finally break through my money anxiety my life will be so much better. And honestly, I don't need more things. The only purchases I might need would be a new fan when the weather heats and I need a decent vacuum at some point.

It will be most interesting to change my grocery shopping. Such as, I'm going to need garbage bags. But I probably have enough to go a month. So I was going to buy some so I don't run out but I had to stop myself. As long as I have I don't need more. 

I feel hopeful. I like healing and I feel that this will be a big year for healing for me. 

Love y'all. Stay safe.

Now That I'm an Old Lady

 I like to wear yellow. At home I wear pajama bottoms and tee shirts and when I go out I wear jewelry and color and I look like an old hippie and that's me.

I like bracelets and rings and earrings that dangle. I like pretty things and chunky things and things that look like nature.

I have acrylic on my nails and I see the same nail artist every 3 weeks and I told her that I like my nails to make me happy and she has agreed. And I am happy.

I like knowing the manipulations as they happen and not playing along. My boss has tried things that have worked in the past and in response I crack a joke and refuse to play and he is losing with me every time. 

I have very little guilt.

I like not liking my family. Oh that's a harder one but I'm learning it's okay. After so many years of feeling not good enough by my sister and her wife, I just don't care about them anymore. I have no desire to even try. And it doesn't have to be a scene or a big issue. I blocked my heart and I'm easing out. 

Never try to please people who dislike you. 

I am having parsnips for dinner tonight. Parsnips and carrots roasted with oil and salt and pepper. Because I just love roasted parsnips and carrots.

I spend my money as I wish. And yes I put money into savings but if I want to buy crystals and candles and another cat bed then I shall. And I also do not feel guilt or feel bad if I buy something and it just doesn't work for me and I don't keep it. I can put it in our community area for someone else to take or throw it away and I don't feel like I've thrown money away. I've just moved on from something that didn't work.

I love the feeling of my hair swishing over my back. I love being in my bed. I love weak coffee and baking and being a witch. I love having intention. I love anime and Studio Ghibli movies and shopping. I love decorating and dreaming ad petting my cats.

Age is amazing. I love getting old.

Happy Birthday, Asshole

 So since I moved out of my brother's house, our gift giving changed. We used to be big on gifts for all occasions and it was big fun. But then Mollie was gone and I was gone and my SIL went to Italy and my brother started planning trips and we decided to stop exchanging gifts. We'd use our money the way we want to and for them that's planning trips and for me... whatever.

Anyway, we started buying each other dinner for birthdays but this year got a little messed up and I didn't choose to drive up to their house for dinner so we didn't. Now my brother's birthday is on Dec. 10 and I asked him, would you like dinner or an REI gift card?

He chose the gift card.

So this year I am a little obsessed with Advent calendars. Everyone in my family has received one from me. And I thought it would be really fun to play with my brother and so I planned to send him a $10 gift card from REI on each day of December, leading up to his birthday ($90) and then on his birthday send him a $50 card. And each card would have a "funny" message...

Anyway, today was gift card #1 and he texted me and blew it up. Was ungrateful, stepped on the joke to prove he saw right through what I was doing and really killed the whole thing. Just murdered it. No point to it anymore.

And I'm pissed. He could have played along. Collected the gift cards, give a small chuckle and let it play out. But he squashed it. (I told him that men just don't have a sense of humor.)

Carolyn said send him a $25 gift card on his birthday and forget about it. I don't even want to bother. I'm mad. He had no reason to kill my gift like that except to prove something (I don't even know what he proved.) I think I shouldn't even bother. 

Advise please. What would you do?