Spending time recently thinking about the journey that brought me to this place currently and where I hope/plan to go. Thinking about the self-talk, the private recriminations, the punishments and also the joys.
There's always joys.
I don't tend to spend a lot of money on myself. As a parent, as one of those kind of parents, I've always put Mollie first. True story: special (expensive) ice cream, very low cal and hard to get and I bought three pints, packed them in ice for an hour and a half drive to get them home and Mollie ate 2.5 pints. I had half of one.
I don't resent it at all but I deserve more too. I deserve pretty things. I deserve yummy foods.
We all do.
We all deserve and need special care.
I'm finding ways to make sure I get things I want and need It's a slow process but I'm going to make sure that my space is calming and pretty, my clothes look good, I have the books I want to read and that I always remember that the paychecks I earn are not only to pay bills and take care of obligations but they can also be used to bring me a little joy too.
Are you doing the same?
Hell yes, I'm doing the same. And I feel so damn guilty about it.
ReplyDeleteJohn died and left me life insurance and I've been doing things that he never wanted to do; the older John got, the harder he could pinch a penny.
Now I'm having all the windows replaced. I got a new roof, one of those metal ones that have come back into style. I'm thinking of having all the ceilings redone because most of them have leak stains.
I loved John and I truly miss him. But he didn't care where or how he lived as long as he got fed and could go fishing. I now no longer cook, I can go out to eat if I want and I read all the damn time.
And on top of that, I've gained back most of the weight I'd lost.
Guilt, guilt, guilt!!