Tonight I'm telling my daughter that I don't want her hanging out with the girls she's been friends with for the last year. I've made that decision because they're bad friends. And I can't abide seeing the hurt on Mollie's face again when she finds out she was left out of another activity because those 14 year old bitches chose not to include her.
Again.
I don't expect Mollie to really understand why I'm putting my foot down as I am. But my hope is that in later years she'll remember this and understand. And I hope she'll make the choice for herself that I'm making for her tonight.
Friends are people who make you feel good. If the people you hang with make you feel less then they aren't friends. And you deserve better. She deserves better. I deserve better.
When Mollie is included in things with friends she's lighter in being. She belongs. She's accepted. And when she hears they went shopping and fast-fooding without her and there's no excuse or reason that she was left out... well, let's just say that I'm crying very angry tears right now.
I get where she's at. The text brigade with my SIL and sister and other SIL and brother is still going strong and I'm still on the outside. And it hurts but I've come to terms with it. My sister is Oregon and her partner are not my family any longer. We might be related but we're not family. Because family should be the people who make you feel like you've come home. They aren't the people who leave you standing out in the cold.
Friends matter. They're the people who keep your heart from being broken in this world. They shore you up and act as buttresses against storms. They're there when the sun is out and when the storm is lashing.
I need Mollie to learn that we can't take whatever dregs someone decides to give us. We deserve so much better. And if the people we're connected to don't think we deserve it, then they don't deserve us.
I fucking hate this right now. And I hope to hell I'm making the right choice.
((((Lori and Mollie)))
ReplyDeleteI so don't envy you this decision/task. It will be hard for Mollie to hear or even understand but it is the right decision. As someone who has been with friends with people before, despite what arsehats they are, just to say I have friends, well...
It would be wonderful if Mollie could take this decision from you but despite how they treat her she perhaps can't see it, even when it's hurting her to see them do things and not invite her along. Or she can see it and is worried without these friends, she won't make any others and they appear to be the lesser of two evils?
Family can suck sometimes which is why friends are the family we choose for ourselves. BLood might be thicker than water but that doesn't always make it better.
BIG HUGS to you both and I hope that you both come out ok. Just remember that there are people out there who love you both and although we might not have physically met, I still consider you both the 'family' I have chosen to make my life better.
I think confidence and love of self attract other people to us and these people can be our true friends. And when you make these kinds of friends, they tend to be lasting relationships.
ReplyDeleteI also think the reason Mollie has these two particular friends is because she is not sure of herself or her identity just yet and may be subconsciously feeling she must take what she can get.
Anything you can do to bolster her self confidence in herself will reap great friendship rewards, I think. Been there, done that and it only took me 50+ years to find my true friend. Hope Mollie finds hers sooner. :-)
Lori, yes, you are making the right choice.
ReplyDeleteWhat is tricky is how to present this in a way that Mollie will accept (this is a difficult age, after all).
This: "Friends are people who make you feel good. If the people you hang with make you feel less then they aren't friends. And you deserve better.
Friends matter. They're the people who keep your heart from being broken in this world. They shore you up and act as buttresses against storms. They're there when the sun is out and when the storm is lashing."
That is what I would tell my own daughter, in those circumstances.
Because that? That is god's truth. You both deserve better.