This is a personal post....
I have a difficult relationship with my family. A lot of that is because my mother had a difficult relationship with my siblings and we lived together so I went along for many of her emotional joy rides. They were all her craziness but I was her enabler (and she was mine).
After she passed away I tried to make things right between myself and my siblings. And during that time, my sister and brother discovered a shared love of hiking so their bromance was born. Plus my Sis' SO and my brother became tightlikethis while my SIL became another one of their favorite people...
So when the family was all together I tried to stay cool and just go with the flow And it was good. We all got along, everyone was included in most everything and it was fine. There was no sense of closeness but there was nothing negative.
And then my SIL went to Portland to be with my sister and her SO for 2+ weeks. The excuse was to see a doctor for follow up after cancerous mastectomy (which she did have testing done at the cancer center) but it was also to get off island for the first time in 15 years. No one begrudged her.
For 2+ weeks I've watched thousands of pictures on Facebook of all the places they went together and the good times they had. There were texts between them (and my brother and my sister's friends) (not me) with more pictures and sharing. The entire time she was gone I received a few texts from my SIL and none from anyone else.
And my SIL came home with presents from my sister for my brother and presents for my nephew from my sister's friends and nothing for Mollie (you know, that 14 year old girl who's also related to all of them)...
And now my brother and SIL are planning a trip to Portland together to hang with the Sis and we are most definitely not invited and I told myself I'm crazy to be upset and feel left out but then George Takai posted an Ask Amy (I think it was Ask Amy) column from a woman talking about how she didn't want to include her sister in family outings because her sister didn't fit in as well and Amy said 'shame on you, it's family' and I honestly cried.
I cried because I thought I deserved to be left out. I cried because I thought maybe I am a bad person and don't deserve to be included. I cried because I've been beating myself up for years trying to not rock the boat with my sister and getting my feelings hurt but swallowing it all.
And someone said it wasn't my fault. Someone said no, they're the ones acting wrong. And for the first time in my life, someone said these crazy feelings are justified and I'm not creating drama in my head.
They've been leaving me out for years and it hurts. And now I can acknowledge the hurt and know that it's okay to feel it. I can't change them but I can know that I'm not crazy or wrong. And that's very liberating.
No, you are not crazy, or in any way at fault, for feeling sad/mad/angry/isolated/fill in the blank, when your siblings leave you out. Whatever the legacy of their relationship with your mother, you are now all adults, so this behaviour is on them.
ReplyDeleteAnd leaving Mollie out? Assholes.
(((Lori)))
What AL said - omg that's just feral of them. Aside from the way they treat you, leaving Mollie out goes beyond the pale. What has she ever done to them but love them as the family they are supposedly meant to be.
ReplyDeleteI know my own brothers love me but they have a tighter bond and despite a hiccup a whiles back, the SIL's seem to get on better and do things too - I don't drink, or like the music they like etc, so I guess I can understand - but it hurts like shit knowing that they can just have a plain dinner together an I'm not invited. Of course I'm everyone's favourite when they want something but that's a whole diff can of tuna.
I'm like you Lori - I'm always thinking it's me (I still do, despite this post and what others tell me) and it's a hard habit to break to realize that it's all on them. It's not like you can break *27* years of bad thinking.
I wish I had words that help and was a hell of a lot closer but just know that all the positive vibes and good karma wishes are being sent via the Indian Ocean post in a bottle :D. One Powerball and I'm up there to whisk you and Miss Mollie away.
I'm sure it's of little comfort but jsut know this - friends are hte family we choose for ourselves when real family sucks like Hoover. And we are friends, despite your best efforts to hide from me. I am your mini-me after all, I have a tracker on you...
Sorry, just trying to cheer you a little. Sorry the family made you feel like this but you and Mollie mean the world to me, although we've never met. I hate to tell ya, but you're stuck with me.
(((Lori)))
Being stuck with you Ms Lea is a wonderful thing.
ReplyDeleteFriends are the family you choose and in that I'm lucky as hell. I'm also lucky because Mollie is sitting right next to me right now and we're eating chips together and sharing space and this is the family I need and want.
I love my siblings and my Sibs-In-Law but I'm not going to hang up my shame shingle anymore. If they want to exclude me then they're assholes and it's on them. Just like your brothers are dickheads sometimes and it has nothing to do with you.
Family can suck. Still love them but they can suck like hoovers (lol).
And (((AL))) (((Lea))), you guys are awesome.
Hey, save me some chips lol. We need to have something to munch on while we're having a movie marathon. Oh, and feel free to use the Hoover line in your next chapter lol.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, I might need to work on mine... ruh roh...
We've have our talks, Lori, and as you know, I've never thought much of your siblings. Especially in the way they treat you. Adopting and loving Mollie was the best thing you ever did for yourself and you're the rare bird that realizes that.
ReplyDeleteBe nice to the peanut gallery and try not to fret over them. Live your life for you and Mollie and make your decisions accordingly. You have no need to lick ass, because you always pay your way and you're the most giving person I know.
Love you.
Now, carry on. :-)
I feel you.... my boy gets left out of so many things. It hurts so much to see it. Hugs and hugs and more hugs.
ReplyDelete