Tuesday, May 5, 2015

The Meaning of Life

Is to be alive.

I just read those words and they're resonating pretty strongly right now.

I was over at Aztec Lady's blog reading about the fractures in romancelandia while my own personal life is having some pretty hard times. And I'm looking at all the schisms, all the unhappiness and problems and also the pleasures and joys still out there and I realized that I have it pretty well made.

Because tonight my family will be sitting together at dinner, the adults drinking margaritas and laughing and for that moment tonight, the world will be all right. Later today I'm going to call Carolyn and we'll talk for a good hour about books and life and I'll feel connected. And I'll end the evening tonight sitting with my daughter watching the season finale of Gotham, eating cookies and gasping and giggling and there will be love and connection.

It's about connection. At least, it is for me.

Connections break and with that, we feel adrift. As women we're socialized to relate to the world via our personal relationships. We're taught to clean the house, cook and provide a home for the family. We know that we'll provide the first home via our wombs of our children and good chance many women will be providing the last homes and caregiving for their aging parents.

We're the connection between the family, the community and the world. It's not politics although politics come into it. It's who we are. Who we're taught to be.

This is a little rambling because I feel like something is broke in a lot of different places and I don't know how to fix it. Some is fixable: my job isn't working for me or my employer and I need to find something where my skills work and I can be useful. I'm not getting fired but I am getting discouraged beyond belief and I don't like living this way.

My home life is pretty okay but I don't feel like I have my feet under me completely. Part of it is financial, part of it is missing what I had. Mollie told me the other night that she misses it being just the two of us and although I feel happier with family, I feel sad that my daughter and I struggle to hold onto us. What we like about us.

Online I'm completely adrift. All of my communities are gone. Dear Author used to be my blog home but now I go there and feel wary. Any time I see a NA book reviewed I feel like I'm being ambushed. I don't trust that they have my best interests at heart. I lost my trust. Facebook is the same. If someone isn't trying to sell me something then they're trying to influence my vote, my tastes, myself.

I'm writing because I need some escape from all this. But even that is making me feel fractured because a part of me feels guilty to think that my writing is for sale. I write to be read and because I like my $40 Amazon royalties because they put gas in the car. But I feel deceptive online as an author.

It's a fucking mess. Thank God for margaritas tonight.


  1. I have not replied to you on my blog yet because I'm thinking about a number of things, but here's one thing you should know: I love that you and Carolyn are readers first and authors second.

    Yes, the covers for your books are here, and you let us know when there's a new book or a sale--but your focus? Your focus here is not YOUR books or your career or your earnings.

    Your focus has always been your reading.

    Unless both of you suddenly turn out to be the same person, or either of you has three more names interacting with me (and perhaps each other) elsewhere without letting on...I don't know WHAT on earth you would have to feel deceptive about.

    Because, by all that's holy, it's not someone being an author or not, or someone having paid ads and running author/publisher sponsored giveaways or tours or what have you that is a problem.

    I hope neither you nor Carolyn stop writing and blogging and being here, and I hope your work situation improves soon and substantially.

    I'll raise my water bottle to you--enjoy your family and your daughter and your friendship.

  2. With me it's Bailey's. The romance world as I knew it is changed. But even though it is, I can't give up on it. It's been a salvation to me in so many ways over the years and I simply refuse to let go. I did neglect blogging for quite a while and while it was not a conscious choice, I do have my fire back now to continue.
    I think there are too many other social media types. I'm on Twitter - but since I ramble way to much it's a bit constraining for me. I have a Facebook page but it's just not as...fulfilling for me as blogging.
    I'm sad that I guess we could call it innocence was lost at the whole Jane Litte/Jen Frederick situation. That gave quite a blow to the community. But I do so hope it raises up from the ashes and I think it's such a vital place.