Desperately Seeking Satori by Lori

I'm a bliss bunny.

I realize it's a little early in our relationship to tell you this but I thought I should get it out of the way. I am the kind of woman who seeks pleasure, enlightenment and connection.

eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert was written with me in mind. So understanding that, I wonder, why did this book fail?

Elizabeth starts the book with the end of her marriage. She walked out because she decided she couldn't face a future of being an average American woman living in New Jersey raising kids. So she bailed.

And in case you're wondering, she bailed right into someone else's bed. Because for all of Elizabeth's enlightenment, she's one of those women who can't stand to be without a man.

So when that relationship naturally went bad, she went to Italy and ate pasta. Oh, she went to Italy to learn Italian and wish that young, hot Italian men would kiss her: basically she went to indulge in a passionate moment of herself and pasta.

I do that too, by the way. It's why I am :ahem: round.

From Italy she went to India to study yoga and meditation at an ashram. While there she is nicknamed Groceries by a Texan who is the best part of the book. He sees through her shit and nails her to the wall all the time. She thinks he's helping her spiritual growth, I think he's collecting anecdotes about the dumb-ass New Yorker he met in India.

I might be wrong. But I don't think so.

After India, Elizabeth went to Bali because she once met someone who said "you should come by sometime". In real life that means, "I doubt I'll ever see you again so I'll offer this bogus invitation." In Elizabeth's world it means pack your baggage and let's go to Bali!

In Bali Elizabeth finally gets laid by an old guy (she's 35 and he's 52 and even her mother is like "Honey, you're no spring chicken") but he's from South America so somehow that makes him closer to 40. It's tantric math.

Anyway, at the end of the book we're left with Elizabeth finally able to meditate properly, eat well and have multiple orgasms. In real life she married the old guy and moved with him to New Jersey.

For real.

Grade: two limp penises and a wet spot