MONSTA X 몬스타엑스 'baby blue' MV/ Moving

My boys *sigh*

Anyway ... I have arranged movers, car shipping, bought airline tickets, started packing. I'm moving. I'm really, honestly moving. Next Tuesday is the house inspection and unless the foundation is cracked or it's crawling with termites (yuck) ...  everything is refundable. 

The hardest thing is trying to figure out the easiest transport for the cats. It's a long trip and I'm ordering a cat carrier for multiple cats but I don't think it will be allowed in the cabin. And I despise the idea of sticking them in cargo. I'll call the airline tomorrow to figure it out.

I started the weight loss injection and I had a bad reaction to the medication. My face rashed and swelled. I can't take it. We're trying another med and hopefully that one will work better. If not then I'll be really upset.My doctor ordered me EPI Pens just in case. 

I'm having a slightly hard time emotionally because it's a lot of putting out money in my life right now and being uncertain how it all goes. But I have to remember how time works: you worry about something and then the day comes and you get through it and then you're living your life wondering what was the big deal.

Anyway, the above song, Baby Blue, has been ear worming me into a stupor and is keeping me sane. I love my boys so much. 

In Chaos, Comes Control

 My sister told me that she and her wife bought their house over 20 years ago and have never changed a single piece of furniture nor moved any. They haven't painted a wall or changed out drawer pulls. 

I was in shock. Absolute shock. I move furniture every couple of months. I'm always looking for ways to make my home fit me better. Looking for that magic feeling of "ah".

Anyway, I'm buying a house. I saw a listing and fell in love. We did a walk through yesterday and although I saw some things the pictures hid (naughty listing) I tossed and turned on it and realized that for my budget, looking for a move in ready home with charm in a safe neighborhood, this was my best option. And certain things about this house really make me happy.

Nuff said.

Anyway, today we low balled an offer and they countered under my sticking point and fixing an electrical problem and so we're going forward. I intend to start 2026 in my new home.

I realize to most people this would be absolute insanity. Buying a home I haven't walked in, in a town I've never seen based on a decision I made about two weeks ago. But for me this is what I do best. I leap, trusting my gut. My intuition has never gotten much of a workout, so when I make a rash decision based solely on my gut (okay, there's a lot of thought going into this) I usually find myself making a good decision. Things might go wonky much later because ... life, but these jumping off points in my life generally prove to be the right thing for me.

I'm terrified to tell people. Carolyn who has seen me sell a house in Seattle, buy a condo in Tukwila, sell everything and move to Hawaii, lose my feeling of safety and move into an apartment owning only a bed ... she's not surprised. But most other people will be. And yet, deep in my gut ...

Anyway, my old friend Clark lives three hours away in Chicago and I'm hoping I'll see him again. Carolyn and I will live in the same time zone and I intend to come calling. 

Trusting myself: it's one of the things I do best.

The Body Rewrites Its History

 

I dreamt of Molly

Who still lives in the same house

With two new children

And one less husband

But not

In my dream

In my dream 

She walked

In footsteps I left

And danced

In the music

I made

Molly 

Who I forgave

Years ago

Took my path

And made it hers

And when we walked

We were 

Woman and shadow

Or two women

Leaving no shadows

I was happy

And my choice, I knew

Deep down I knew

Was correct

It isn’t a dream

When I travel back

To where my body split 

In the living room

Of the Laurelhurst house

My father with his pants

Around his ankles

And my body shivering

In the cold

“Take her away”

My therapist whispers

And finally I do

Holding her trembles

While my father

Who once looked so scary

Sits fat and flaccid

And finally alone

And we leave no shadows

As we stand in the window

Of my memory

With a new history

To celebrate

Aloha Hawaii

My daughter is really big into manifestation nowadays. Like a lot of people, she doesn't understand that you can't just manifest something, you have to actively make it happen. 

Going to Asheville was a huge jolt for me since we went in Fall and it was glorious. I'd forgotten how beautiful it is to see the trees and the fall leaves. To need to wear warmer clothes. The comfort in the season. It created such a longing in me that was overwhelming. I literally craved to move to the mainland immediately and have my final (my third) act living in a little place of my own and seeing snow again as well as spring and Fall (summer I get).

Anyway, after spiraling for a week or two I have decided to move to Decatur Illinois. It might seem like an odd choice but Decatur offers a quiet life, a small town feel, some old Americana in the downtown area. People paint it as a dying town (not actually but we'll see how bad it gets since soybeans are a big industry there), it's got a low cost of living. Apparently crime is an issue in certain neighborhoods (here also, check out Puna) (and certain areas in Hilo too) but I don't intend to live in a high crime neighborhood. I also plan to get alarms on the doors and windows.

So I'm moving. I'm manifesting and doing it. I'm unfortunately one of those people who can't sit still once I've made up my mind. I'm getting moving quotes, I'm home shopping, I'm making lists and I'm starting to make a lot of decisions.

Aloha, Hawaii. I'm glad I was here but I'll be glad to see Spring.

Meeting My Father

Sp I saw my father for the first time in like 46 years and the last time in my lifetime. It had begun awkwardly ... my father is an asshole, after all. He began his time with his three children by complaining that we didn't show him enough compassion regarding his health. Seriously. My brother told him, however, that it was his fault because he doesn't provide information as a sharing experience but more as a lecture. Anyway, I didn't give a shit. I sat quietly and wished death upon him.

After that I my attitude softened a little. He's very frail and I had a few moments of tenderness seeing his frailty. But ... that didn't last. My father stated a few times that he had no regrets in his life and after being a serial sexual predator and estranged from his children for over forty years, I lost any care for the man and I had very little anyway.

He did tearful 'I love you' at the end of the trip and both my sister and I didn't respond with the same. We were both done with him and agreed we fulfilled what we needed to emotionally to walk away completely.

On the other hand: I shared a hotel room for a week with my sister and we talked and laughed and told each other everything and apologized and explained and we're back to where we used to be and I'm brimming with love for her. 

There's a lot that happened and a lot of healing that took place and I'm still overwhelmed by the experience to write coherently about it. But I'm in a much better place thankfully and I feel like the past is pretty done and the future is looming.

My luggage was found in Dallas but it's still in Dallas because of the canceled flights for the lack of air traffic controllers. I don't know when I'll ever see my pink squawking chicken again (the one gift I bought myself).

Anyway, my relationships with my siblings are so much better. I'm still waiting for luggage and ticket resolution. 
 

Alaska Airlines: Worst Experience Ever

 

Asheville, North Carolina.

I have quite a lot to write about my trip since it was an interesting week which resulted in bridging a lot of the gaps between the siblings, it resulted in me knowing how I want to spend the rest of my life and I saw for my father for the first and last time since I was 20.

But right now, as I'm writing this, I'm on hold with Alaska Airlines. Because we are going to war.

Yesterday, Saturday November 1, I woke up at 2:30 am to start traveling home. We began by flying out of Charlotte NC to Dallas Texas. That was American Airlines. In Dallas we said goodbye to my sister who had a direct flight to Portland. My brother and I flew Alaska Airline to Seattle. It was a decent flight.

We had a connecting flight from Seattle to Kona, Hawaii with approximately an hour between the two flights. It was going to be tight but doable. When we boarded the flight I let the stewardesses know about our connection.

Our flight to Seattle ran late. By the time we touched down we were close as hell. The stewardesses asked the people on the plane to let Mitch and I get off first to make our connecting flight. Then the plane we were on sat on the tarmac for over 10 minutes, not moving. Not pulling up to disembark. We were not going to make it.

We were the first off the plane and Mitch took off. I had a wheelchair waiting for me and we were right behind Mitch, about 3 or 4 minutes. Mitch made it to the gate in time for the flight and told them I was right behind. They closed the doors behind Mitch anyway. (The pilot was about to go into overtime and if he wasn't in the air when he did his hours then they would have to get another pilot to fly so this one didn't get the overtime. The flight left early.

So I didn't make my flight. I had to wait 5 hours for the next available flight. They gave me a $12 meal voucher, which I didn't use. I had paid $160 for an upgraded seat, $8 for a meal on the flight. The new flight they put me in the back of the plane in a middle seat. The plane was full. There was no meal service. It was one of the worst flights I'd ever taken.

Then this morning I checked my bank account and they charged me the $12 for the meal voucher. Oh, I forgot to mention that they lost my luggage. Mitch's luggage was on my flight. Mine is gone.Mine should have been right next to Mitch's. 

So I'm holding for Alaska's customer service. I'm going to ask for the moon. Wish me luck.

**edited to add**  Customer service person I spoke to tried to give me my money back and was blocked from giving money back. So I had to go through a different route emailing the company. I got a reply email stating it can take three weeks for them to respond. I asked them to give me back the entire price of the ticket.

FIRE

 The blazing structure is the Wild Ginger Inn, about a yard from the fence that separates them from us. In other words, we were evacuated at 2am because it looked like our apartment house was going to be ablaze.

I could not get my cats to leave the apartment. Usually I can't force them to stay inside and the one time I'm begging them to leave, they hide from me. I had to evacuate without them and I called Carolyn from my car, sobbing, sure I left my cats to die.

I can't even ... this is the second fire we had to deal with within a year. Our neighbors, once again, were on the ball and kept everyone moving and safe. I get on a plane tomorrow and I feel like the universe wanted to remind me what real trauma is. The problem is that I'm so fucking done with these moments.

But we are all fine. We are all alive and well. I don't know if there were any casualties in last night's fire (I pray not). 

Anyway, the blog will be radio silent for over a week. I fly out tomorrow for 9 days of family time. Apparently I'm a trauma magnet.

(And thank you Carolyn for listening to me freak out last night. You have no idea how much of a safe space you provided)

Addendum: one person perished in the fire.