Meeting My Father

Sp I saw my father for the first time in like 46 years and the last time in my lifetime. It had begun awkwardly ... my father is an asshole, after all. He began his time with his three children by complaining that we didn't show him enough compassion regarding his health. Seriously. My brother told him, however, that it was his fault because he doesn't provide information as a sharing experience but more as a lecture. Anyway, I didn't give a shit. I sat quietly and wished death upon him.

After that I my attitude softened a little. He's very frail and I had a few moments of tenderness seeing his frailty. But ... that didn't last. My father stated a few times that he had no regrets in his life and after being a serial sexual predator and estranged from his children for over forty years, I lost any care for the man and I had very little anyway.

He did tearful 'I love you' at the end of the trip and both my sister and I didn't respond with the same. We were both done with him and agreed we fulfilled what we needed to emotionally to walk away completely.

On the other hand: I shared a hotel room for a week with my sister and we talked and laughed and told each other everything and apologized and explained and we're back to where we used to be and I'm brimming with love for her. 

There's a lot that happened and a lot of healing that took place and I'm still overwhelmed by the experience to write coherently about it. But I'm in a much better place thankfully and I feel like the past is pretty done and the future is looming.

My luggage was found in Dallas but it's still in Dallas because of the canceled flights for the lack of air traffic controllers. I don't know when I'll ever see my pink squawking chicken again (the one gift I bought myself).

Anyway, my relationships with my siblings are so much better. I'm still waiting for luggage and ticket resolution. 
 

Alaska Airlines: Worst Experience Ever

 

Asheville, North Carolina.

I have quite a lot to write about my trip since it was an interesting week which resulted in bridging a lot of the gaps between the siblings, it resulted in me knowing how I want to spend the rest of my life and I saw for my father for the first and last time since I was 20.

But right now, as I'm writing this, I'm on hold with Alaska Airlines. Because we are going to war.

Yesterday, Saturday November 1, I woke up at 2:30 am to start traveling home. We began by flying out of Charlotte NC to Dallas Texas. That was American Airlines. In Dallas we said goodbye to my sister who had a direct flight to Portland. My brother and I flew Alaska Airline to Seattle. It was a decent flight.

We had a connecting flight from Seattle to Kona, Hawaii with approximately an hour between the two flights. It was going to be tight but doable. When we boarded the flight I let the stewardesses know about our connection.

Our flight to Seattle ran late. By the time we touched down we were close as hell. The stewardesses asked the people on the plane to let Mitch and I get off first to make our connecting flight. Then the plane we were on sat on the tarmac for over 10 minutes, not moving. Not pulling up to disembark. We were not going to make it.

We were the first off the plane and Mitch took off. I had a wheelchair waiting for me and we were right behind Mitch, about 3 or 4 minutes. Mitch made it to the gate in time for the flight and told them I was right behind. They closed the doors behind Mitch anyway. (The pilot was about to go into overtime and if he wasn't in the air when he did his hours then they would have to get another pilot to fly so this one didn't get the overtime. The flight left early.

So I didn't make my flight. I had to wait 5 hours for the next available flight. They gave me a $12 meal voucher, which I didn't use. I had paid $160 for an upgraded seat, $8 for a meal on the flight. The new flight they put me in the back of the plane in a middle seat. The plane was full. There was no meal service. It was one of the worst flights I'd ever taken.

Then this morning I checked my bank account and they charged me the $12 for the meal voucher. Oh, I forgot to mention that they lost my luggage. Mitch's luggage was on my flight. Mine is gone.Mine should have been right next to Mitch's. 

So I'm holding for Alaska's customer service. I'm going to ask for the moon. Wish me luck.

**edited to add**  Customer service person I spoke to tried to give me my money back and was blocked from giving money back. So I had to go through a different route emailing the company. I got a reply email stating it can take three weeks for them to respond. I asked them to give me back the entire price of the ticket.

FIRE

 The blazing structure is the Wild Ginger Inn, about a yard from the fence that separates them from us. In other words, we were evacuated at 2am because it looked like our apartment house was going to be ablaze.

I could not get my cats to leave the apartment. Usually I can't force them to stay inside and the one time I'm begging them to leave, they hide from me. I had to evacuate without them and I called Carolyn from my car, sobbing, sure I left my cats to die.

I can't even ... this is the second fire we had to deal with within a year. Our neighbors, once again, were on the ball and kept everyone moving and safe. I get on a plane tomorrow and I feel like the universe wanted to remind me what real trauma is. The problem is that I'm so fucking done with these moments.

But we are all fine. We are all alive and well. I don't know if there were any casualties in last night's fire (I pray not). 

Anyway, the blog will be radio silent for over a week. I fly out tomorrow for 9 days of family time. Apparently I'm a trauma magnet.

(And thank you Carolyn for listening to me freak out last night. You have no idea how much of a safe space you provided)

Addendum: one person perished in the fire.

Travel

 

Today is another No King's Protest which yay! Protesters Rock!

I'm battling an energy funk which is mixed into an age and depression and menopause thing that makes a heady stew of everything hurts, everything itches and I need another nap.

It isn't helpful that I'm on a plane in less than a week to spend a week with my family. Stress free living right there. The lovely thing is that I, being the world's best me in existence, smartened up this time and planned ahead. Since I have 4 long flights I upgraded my seats to Premier class for 2 flights and made sure to get window seats for all 4 flights. I booked wheelchair service ahead so I won't be trying to walk through the labyrinths that airports are nowadays.

I'll actually start packing this weekend,  just taking things a step ahead. I'm working on an assumption that the more I'm prepared the more comfortable I'll be. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for the middle of the trip and Carolyn and I will have only an hour time difference between us so she can expect some calls. 

OH!!  I got my nose pierced too. My therapist said it was a talisman which delighted me. I think I'm just finally giving up on trying to be liked by anyone but myself. 

All that's really left as a big struggle is figuring out what books to bring. I'll post my choices later.

BOO! It's Your Government

 

2018 was the longest government shutdown for 35 days. We're in week 2 and there are mass firings happening at the federal level. The military is not guaranteed pay but they have to show up to work. Airports are shutting down because there aren't air traffic controllers.

America under Republicans = government not working, people losing jobs, military unpaid. 

And people still support them. 

~    ~    ~    ~

I'm sitting in my living room at my desk playing around and suddenly I need to move my couch. It's an obsession. And I suddenly had an epiphany that as the world around us becomes more chaotic, the need to refresh my space is my way of controlling change and getting some comfort with it.

Just a thought...

 

Goddamn. 

That's the post right there. Every day is a day that ends in Goddamn. Nothing is making sense. Politics is like ... like having humanoids in government. They look like us but they don't act like us. 

Carolyn and I watch news videos throughout the day and we share and discuss them and we rarely can anymore. It's impossible to understand what's happening and the pure idiocy is astonishing. The only people who are making sense currently seem to be Bernie Sanders ... and? Is there anyone else? Jasmine Crockett maybe?

Anyway, I'm personally careening between anxiety one minute and exhaustion the next. I'm purging my home in a rather big way. I don't even know why. 

Less than two weeks for the big family trip. Working on tips and tricks to get through it.

Fall is Falling

 

Well hello Fall.

I'm going on a family trip in a couple of weeks and I already booked a therapy session for the middle of it (hahaha!) This is one of those things that can go in a million different directions so I need to keep boundaries high and expectations low.

I have a new therapist, someone local so we can meet in an office. She asked me to tell her about my mother and I started telling stories about my mother from my childhood and ... it was shocking. I knew she was bad but sitting and just starting at point A and then going through, one after the other, she was just as damaging as a sexual predator father. 

I'm still dealing with the revelations of my mother's actions. It was just overwhelming to see for myself.

From now until I leave on my trip, I plan to just go down my to-do list and get everything checked off. I want to come home to a clean slate.

The Post Office cutie and I are a not-happening deal. We exchanged some short text messages but she doesn't have time for a coffee and that's okay. We are all living our lives as best we can. I'm glad I had that experience of meeting and falling for her.