65 and Celebrating

It's my birthday. Yay.

It's been a wonderful day. I haven't done much of anything except enjoy being alive. And talking to the world (or so it feels). But I'm so happy. 

Happy because this year I decided to celebrate myself. I didn't wait in the hopes of someone else making me feel worthwhile because I felt it. I felt like I was living a Miley Cyrus song. I bought myself flowers and champagne. Got my favorite meal. 

And people did spoil me today. Admittedly, I loved every minute of it. Last year wasn't so happy because I expected and hoped others would deliver happiness. This year others enhanced my happiness.

And of the men in my life: my boss was the first one to call and celebrate me. The other men disappointed in big ways. But...

I realized today that expecting something from someone who has really shown that they are okay with disappointing you is a "me problem". They're not going to change. My expectations need to. Or perhaps they have because my day wasn't spoiled by their negligence. It was noted and will be remembered. And our relationships will change because they have less to offer than I'm willing to make the effort to accept.

Isn't that what boundaries really are? It's not expecting others to change. It's changing yourself to ease their toxicity from you and your life. 

Anyway, I'm starting to get a little drunk. So I'm going to get a little more drunk and watch a movie and maybe take a bath or maybe just go to sleep. I'm planning on letting today be guidance for how the rest of my life goes. Celebrate yourself. Celebrate those you love. Keep questionable people an arm's length away. And toxic people removed as far as you can.

We are all worth fresh flowers and champagne. Do it a lot more often than just birthdays.

The Great Depression

No, this isn't about America's past but rather America's present. It's why social media is important and why we need to make changes if we want to survive.

I'm depressed. And I'm not alone. Go on social media and look around. Check out the people who don't have huge followings, who are in their late 20s and 30s. Listen. They're depressed too.

Look at the numbers. The women choosing to no longer marry. The women choosing to not have children. 

Take a look at the Republican party who has declared war on women and on Americans who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Look at how they turn their backs on the school shootings, on the cis het male groomers and abusers. Watch them talk about God on the pulpit and abuse children in the silence.

Those children are depressed.

The video of the father who discovered his 11 year old daughter was being groomed by an adult man and had naked pictures of her. He went to the police. The police threatened to arrest the 11 year old girl for distributing pornography.

ACAB.

We're depressed. We're lying in bed wondering why should we bother when you never get ahead? Society is failing. We are only as strong as our weakest member and she's being threatened by the police for being abused.

Look at what we could be. The fluidity of gender, the destruction of a binary that makes no sense. Oh how I wish I was young. To find a partner who is Enby (NB) and live without the roles that have never worked. To love someone for who and not what because what is the thing that kills us.

We could redistribute wealth. Solve childhood hunger. Take guns out of our everyday lives. Hunters should be able to legally hunt. Children should never be shot in a school. Can you imagine the generational trauma this group is going to have?

I'm so fucking depressed. I miss my daughter so much but feel like the only path to happiness is to be in any other country but ours. 

We are choosing to destroy our future generations. It's so depressing.

Love you all. Buy blankets. Soft blankets. Make a fort and hide. Stay safe.

Beauty filters, food, mole living

It's a beauty filter. Clears your skin, enhances your eyes. 

I believed I was unattractive my entire life. I was passable. Never pretty, never feminine, never good enough. I'm 65 fucking years old and I think I'm gorgeous.

I am sooooooooo not interested in cooking right now or doing things. I just want to look at filtered pictures of myself and pet my cats. Oh well. I think I'll try to fix my sewing machine and at least get my pants hemmed. 

I want to stay in bed and live in the darkness like a mole. Can that become a thing, please? And would someone bring me some soup, a toasted sandwich and tickle my feet please?

Love you all. Avoid the sunlight. It's bad for your skin. Meet you in the mole world.

What the Hell Happened?

 I can't even explain what happened to this week. Monday I quit my job and got fired and fought with my boss. Tuesday I got my job back and the boss apologized. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday then entire computer system has been down.

I'm not even going to try to get into it all. It was too much and my poor brain isn't processing any of it very well.

So I went to TJ Maxx yesterday. I needed some retail therapy. I was hoping to get pumpkin soup bowls and skin care and some cheap makeup. I've decided to start shape shifting now in my later years so I need to learn makeup. A craft is a craft.

Anyway, there were sadly no pumpkin bowls. There was an amber glass coffee mug which I got and acrylic stand cat bowls so those were excellent. And a little make up but more skin care. 

A few years ago I got really into skin care and saw a huge difference i my skin after using it. My skin brightened and truly glowed. It was so pretty. But I slowly stopped taking that kind of care of myself. And now I want to. Nobody else can love and take care of me the way I will. Also I realize that the best therapy for me right now is going to be somatic therapy and I've decided to start that myself with touch and care of my skin and body.

Anyway, I have a pomegranate face mask on right now and my skin is tingling and it makes me want to giggle. I made BLTs to eat and have a lot of leftover. I discovered I like sleeping with a sleep make on. And my sewing machine isn't working and I need to hem some pants.

I'm desperately unhappy right now but I'm also okay. I think it's a common fucked up state that Americans have been living with the last 6 or 7 years. Our lives aren't making a lot of sense and we're barely getting by. We stay on social media to find others screaming the same words into the void so at least we know it isn't just us.

We eke out any semblance of good feelings we can to battle the fact that all we want to do is lay in bed and never move again.

Yeah. Maybe not doing so good after all.

Love you all. Stay safe.

Why Are Biden's Poll Numbers So Bad? 

The above is a link to Aztec Lady's blog and her post which is fucking brilliant. I realize there's a good chance that Az is the only person who reads this blog (I sent the link directly to Carolyn) but she just rocked my world by putting everything I believe its a brilliant piece of writing.

And I have a million thoughts myself but I can't articulate them as well as Az and I don't want to try today since it's Sunday and all I have to do today is clean my rug, take my garbage out and bake lemon cookies to use up the last of my lemons. I might even try making an alcoholic beverage later because of have Grapefruit seltzer and tequila. 

So instead I'm going to talk about my one year goal of being able to walk. I have been steadily losing mobility because my knees are cartilage free and bone on bone fucking hurts. I can't get surgery because I weigh too much. I can't exercise because it fucking hurts.

So today I found a plan. Not a solution... a plan. And it's PT. Physical therapy. I'll call my doctor tomorrow and ask for a referral. 

The idea is to realize the knees are a write-off but the rest of the legs can be strengthened to  take some of the work. I won't try to explain since I don't have the words for it but it's a workable solution to a huge problem in my life.

I was gifted a round trip ticket to Japan to visit my daughter. Last night Mollie and I were on the phone planning our trip and I realized I really want to do this. Not just seeing Mollie but going to the Ghibli museum (I fucking love Studio Ghibli) and seeing Korea town (KPop merch and Korean skin care heaven). I want to eat ramen every day and take the train and just experience Japan for my interests.

So anyway, we have a year. I am going in September 2024. I need to be mobile. And I'm going to. Ghibli, Kpop and stationary await me. And ramen. I'm going to be terrifying with ramen. I told Mollie to imagine she's hanging with Naruto (if you get it, you get it).

Love y'all. Read Az's post. Stay safe.

Toxic Things I've Heard

#1: Said by my brother and a friend "Sometimes I feel like the smartest person in the room."

You aren't. Guaranteed. And it really bothers me to hear that because the delusion is strong.

#2: Said by my mother and it made me aware that she was a narcissist   "When I die, I wonder if the world will cease existing also."

Um, no. Only you will stop existing.

#3: Said by my father "There are only 2 types of people: winners and losers."

Obviously he believed himself a winner and everyone else a loser. But anybody who states there are only 2 types of people in the world isn't paying attention to all the people in the world.

#4: Anyone who has said "We need to have a come to Jesus meeting."

I'm never coming to Jesus. Also, when someone says that it just means that they want to rake you over the coals and pretend it's more than them being a bully. Jesus wasn't a bully. You are a bully. Get it straight.

#5: "All (fill in the blanks) are the same."

Get this a lot when people talk politics. Now my brother will do this. Both sides are the same. All politicians suck. And it's a way to get around saying that someone in the party you support is problematic. Naw, not just Republicans because Democrats too. Well excuse me sir, but as correct as you are that both sides are problematic, only one side is evil and it ain't the one that starts with a D.

#6: "Have a blessed day."

Hope you have the day you deserve.

#7: "Your problem is..."

No sir, no thank you. Right now my problem is you thinking you know anything about my problems. Go sit in the corner and hush.

And recently, I've been getting a lot of advice from a lot of different people as to how I should improve my health. I'm going to say this once and then shut you down forever on... I will never diet again in my lifetime. I will not cut carbs, avoid sugar or avoid fast food. I eat quite well, thank you very much, and probably have more salad than you would ever dream. But if you think I'm not baking Tollhouse cookies or eating Chicken Nuggets and fries when I have the urge then you are cray to the cray.

And as far as getting up and moving: yeah, I know. You ain't got nothing to share, Thank you now shut up.

Love y'all and stay safe.

Retirement

 Do y'all remember when we were growing up, back in the day, when life seemed to be laid out in the most simplistic of terms?

• Get married youngish.
• Have babies.
• Work if you must.
• Buy a home.
• Retire at 65.
• Die.

I swear, it all seemed pretty simple. Except that the world doesn't work for us all that way and some of us are on different time lines altogether.

I'm 65 this month. Medicare started, my social security is available and I'm old. Before you tell me that 65 isn't old, let me point out that my knees are bone on bone, I have painful arthritis i my right foot, carpal tunnel in my right hand/wrist, losing teeth and I have to admit to it: cognitive decline.

I am not suffering from dementia or anything like that. It's a completely age related slowing down. I take more time to think, I speak more carefully and my work is slower and sometimes I have to double or triple check because I'm missing some simple things. 

I'm ready to retire but I can't afford it.

Which brings me to social security. It's money that has been put aside throughout your working life for you to retire on. But here's the rub: if you were a lower paid employee, if you changed jobs and had periods of unemployment, it affected how much money is available to you.

If I get my social security now, I would get $1600. (and some change).

If I wait till May 2025 when I'm 66 and 8 months, I would get $1870. (+change).

If I wait to age 70, I get over $2400.

It's not huge amounts of money. And I live in Hawaii where things are brought in by boat and tend to be a bit expensive. (Oh how I miss grocery shopping in Seattle).

Also... I need to mention that I've had to face that my abilities to continue working full time are proving to be onerous and so I'm cutting down to a 4 day work week. And I am not allowed to work over 8 hours a day. Which means I'm losing about $440. per paycheck. 

So here is the question: do I tighten my belt and keep going with the lesser amount? Or do I claim my social security now while still working and (because I'm losing over $800 a month) and use that to support me and put all extra into savings? The thing is that I do have a backup plan (kinda) for when I retire but it's all so fucking complicated.

We spend our lives working for wages for the sole purpose of getting older and being even poorer. Make it make sense.

Love you all. Stay safe.

The Kitchen Esthetic

 

The kitchen is the heart of the home. 

I just typed those words because I wanted to talk about my kitchen but the minute I saw those words my brain exploded. What a crazy, patriarchal, sexist phrase that is. I mean, we hear those words and we agree. We're in our kitchen a lot. We have happy memories of baking cookies with Mom, teaching our daughters how to knead bread, holidays with the women all buzzing around and talking while preparing food.

What does this all have in common? Women in the kitchen. Women doing the physical labor of providing for their family. Women doing for the family and teaching their daughters to carry on the tradition.

So we romanticize the kitchen. It's the heart of the home. The heart of the home is the dungeon where we make our grocery lists, put food away, plan meals that everyone will eat and have to answer the the most dreaded three words in the world: What's For Dinner?

It's where you're supposed to find the woman of the house. It's where day after day women who are tired, brain fried, just wanting a bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine before bed but the husband expects a three course gourmet dinner (saw this on a dating show btw: he asked what's for dinner and she said she doesn't make dinner, she eats popcorn cause she doesn't have the band width to cook after a day at work and he was pissed about it and complained a few times but interestingly, he never got his ass in the kitchen to cook)

Holy shit. This is a floodgate of thoughts. My Mom hated cooking and she was no good at it. We laugh about it now but how miserable she must have been to deal with that consistently. And my sister in law Myrna who is an excellent cook but now that it's just her and my brother alone in the house has sandwich dinners and frozen pizza because she's done.

And we still try to hustle women into the kitchen: it's the heart of the home after all and the woman's responsibility to keep that heart still beating. 

There's a lot to unpack there. We're going to talk about this more. Wow.

Love y'all. Stay safe.

My September First Epiphany

Last night I made mac and cheese for dinner. My milk was still good and my Mac and cheese is pretty okay but too dry when baked so I boiled noodles, made a cheese sauce and didn't bake it. It was okay. Definitely needed more seasoning but pretty okay. 

I ate while watching tv. At a certain point I thought "I'm done. Feel good." I wasn't stuffed, was just finished. There was still some mac and cheese sitting there. I thought maybe I could eat more while watching. No, I told myself, my body says it's finished eating. I can save the rest and have it with dinner tomorrow night.

While I was thinking all of this, I had picked up the fork and eaten two more bites. Two bites I didn't enjoy, 2 bites more than I wanted. 

I was done. I took the bowl to the kitchen and put the rest in some Tupperware and then did the dishes. Done.

Went back to my show. I was drinking a bottle of Diet Coke. I drank more. "I'm done," I thought. I didn't want any more of the soda. "But there isn't a lot less" I told myself. "I can finish this off." 

I subliminally smacked myself and put the top on the soda and put it in the fridge. 

I realized last night that I don't know how to stop eating. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? But it isn't. When food took the place of love and comfort, and it became refuge and safety as you aged, the ability to stop eating because you don't need more is really hard.

What is enough? For me it's either been eating until I'm uncomfortably full  or eating till it's all gone. Eating because I'm done eating is a new experience.

So then today I went to the post office to send a box to Mollie. It's full of broccoli cheese rice and creamy pasta boxes as well as some of her DVDs and a few personal things from her mama. It cost $120 to send. I was expecting $75. I was gobsmacked. I was upset.

When I left the post office I wanted to go to McDonalds. Sudden hard craving. Realized that I was upset because of the PO price and I wanted to blunt the emotion with hot, salty, greasy food. I came home and made coffee. Was happy to understand what and why.

Anyway, I'm starting a journey with my body. Learning to take good care of me. Nourishing myself with food, with touch, with selfcare. I'm going to be writing about it here because I want to write it. 

I'm really hungry right now. I'm going to make a salad with tuna and eggs. I'm going to take a nap. 

Love y'all.