So I have a confession: I didn't move out of the house because my brother called me "that bitch" and let his love for Trump devalue his relationship with me. I mean, that was certainly a factor but the real story...
Shortly before that night (like one night before) we were talking about some old family shit and my brother referenced the time I was pregnant for the first time at age 39 with twins. I miscarried in the first trimester and was inconsolable. And here's the truth: when I lost those babies I lost a piece of my heart that I never got back.
More truths: when women choose to have babies or not have babies those decisions are fucking huge. It's not like deciding whether to dye your hair blond for the summer: it's deciding whether or not to alter your life for the rest of your life and never be the same.
It's a decision akin to amputation. You can't walk back from it.
So anyway... my brother said that when I was pregnant he did a little research and saw that first time pregnancies at the age I was and with twins was almost a guarantee for miscarriage. So he figured that I would miscarriage and nothing would affect him(our mother was demanding he pay her back some money because we had babies on the way) so he went along his way and I miscarried and his world was fine.
My world shattered and he was okay because he didn't have to pay our Mom back and the heartbreak that literally stole my life was not a big deal because according to my brother, it was something he was prepared for and it let him off the hook.
And the thing is that I know my emotional devastation meant nothing to him. It meant nothing to anyone but me. But if you love me, if you like me, if you consider that I have any worth at all, maybe recognizing that something so major to me isn't something to shrug off. Maybe being blasé about someone else's heartbreak isn't something to share at the dinner table.
Anyway, nothing will change with him. As he ages he becomes more like out father and less like someone I want close to me. And the pain in acknowledging that is big. I didn't know this was coming. It hurts.
I so wish I could hug you right now and not let go. That's devastating news about the babies - I have no words and I won't trivialize it by trying. Just know that despite your assbutt brother, you ARE loved and we will be here for you. It doesn't take the pain from what he did but just know that you are better off now.
ReplyDeleteI know you have Carolyn closer but you know where to find me if you need me. Down the HObbit hole at the arse end of the world lol.
LOVE YOU!!!♥♥♥
The older I get, the harder it is to find my words. Basically, what Lea said. You are loved. 💕
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