Dear Youse Guys,
I did not think that working that extra job would kick my ass. I think it's just doing some driving again, working with people and although it's a simple strain (it really is an easy job) it is still work and therefore exhausting. Also, the Waimea gym where I'm at 2 days a week is a goddamned wind tunnel so we're all bundled up but still freezing, everything is blowing away and that weather exhausts a person.
So I had appointments with the Bariatric group's dietician and nurse practitioner. I LOVED the dietician. We talked about the surgery and she answered my page full of written questions. The APRN (Nurse Practitioner) visit wasn't as great but that was because she was going over my chart and there's more tests and all I have to do. (Liver Ultrasound, start Vitamin D, redo certain labs).
The best part though was the after visit summary they sent me which gave me the list of things I need to do which one of the things on the list was: do not gain weight. That just tickled me and I don't know why but I loved it.
So I did have a bad eating moment. I went to the store and bought chips and cookies. I was unfortunately starving and exhausted and those two together have been the downfall of greater people than me. There was a feeling in my head that started in my belly: I was hungry. Instead of being smart and figuring out a healthy way to deal with it, I went to the store and let my needy side out which became 2 packs of Oreos, a bag of Fritos, a bag of Cheetos and gummy bears.
1 pack of Oreos is gone (I gave it to someone else). The Fritos, I hate to admit, were almost all eaten (I was hangry). The others are in a drawer. I have to think about this and come up with a better understanding of why I want this food, will it satisfy me, can I toss it? Can I replace it? Does it provide me with something I can or can't get elsewhere?
It's weird because I can make good choices and I can make bad ones. Really understanding the why of the bad choices, and why so much? In that moment of being hungry and needy, did I slip into a younger skin that saw the hunger as a gaping hole that couldn't be filled? What would have been a better choice that would have satisfied the huger and the teenager with the hole inside?
How will I ever give that younger girl what she needs so she stops asking for it?
Obviously one of the points of this journey is to understand these questions and try to figure out some of these answers. It's hard. Which is also probably another reason I'm so damned exhausted.
((((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteBeen there, still there and it is sucky. Hungry = first thing you see and it's usually something bad for you. I enjoy it at the time, usually, but then all the self-hate feelings come in and that's a spiral that never ends well. I wish there was a pill or cookie or something you could take that would boost your motivation levels while reducing the temptation ones...
If you find the answers, hope you can share xx
One of the best answers I'm finding right now is sharing it. Other people who have the same issues (or similar issues). You and me girl. We're having the same struggle and the more we talk/write about it, the more we understand it and especially the more we understand that we're not alone in it, the easier it starts to become to identify the behavior and not get trapped in it.
DeleteOne of the reasons I'm blogging so much about it right now is because I'm sick of living this alone. Especially because I'm not alone. So I'm throwing my voice out there and look! Your voice joins mine. And maybe you and I working together will get us a little further down that road.
Love ya honey.
Love ya right back!
DeleteANd yes, I think part of the reason I struggle is because I think it's just me. I look at other family members and wonder why they got lucky but that's a rabbit hole you don't want to go down. I might not write or blog but I will be here to encourage you every step of teh way and in doing so, help myself. Win, win.
♥