Yesterday I bought a house, today the movers came and today hospice was called for my father. My current home is empty, there's me and cats and a bunch of destroyed cat trees (my cats are hard on cat trees).I have thoughts. I have feelings. I have a lot of confusion.
I cried when I heard about my father. My brother and sister are going to Asheville tomorrow, I am not. My life is too much chaos as is and that would be way too much for me to do. Right now I'm doing what I do well: organizing. Organizing my leaving, organizing my life and my cats and keeping myself in check.
It's complicated to have a dying father who was a rat bastard and caused so much hurt. A part of me still feels that the world will be better with him out of it. But he has also proven to be remorseful (or he has acted it well). What he did is unforgivable. The number of people he hurt over the years is a list way too long.
But he's my father. And he came into our lives after a 40+ year of estrangement and has done what he can to make our lives easier. He did apologize. That was unexpected. My sister calls him Dad. I call him Arnold still. I won't acknowledge him with vulnerability.
Anyway, it's all so complicated. I should be excited about my house but right now excitement isn't here. I'm conflicted, I'm messy.
And knowing how fucked up this world is, I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls through somehow and just did all this to get his kids to visit again.
I have no words, babe. Sending much love and hugs to you (on the road as you travel to your new digs). You know where to find me if you need. xxxxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteYou have to come first right now, and I'm glad you are doing just that.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can also be kind to yourself about the thing with your father, whatever happens with his health. No one who has been harmed owes forgiveness or love to the person who hurt them, not even when they're dying. You've already given so much more than anyone had any right to expect.
Here's to the next few weeks going as smoothly as possible.