Bad Weekend: Good Awareness

I had an epiphany today. It's almost embarrassing but well... it was also interesting. I was window shopping on Amazon, adding multiple things to my lists of what I want to buy and I suddenly thought "I don't really want this." Which led me to looking at my lists and realizing that outside of my book list: I really don't need any of these things.

But the epiphany was recognizing that shopping has become what eating was. It's a way to fill a hole deep inside that's crying out for "more". Once a long time ago, a bag of cookies or chips temporarily filled that hole. Long ago, sex was used to fill it. And now Amazon does.

So I destroyed my lists. Emptied my cart of all but a few things. And I found myself sitting here right now in my home, facing that emptiness again and asking myself what's a healthy way to take care of this?

And yes, that's one of the things I'm in therapy to figure out. But I also know myself damn well and I'm here in this place at this time with awareness and honesty and the ability to do this right. So no Amazon. No cookies. No filling the air with Bobby Flay or K-dramas... 

And the question is: how do you fill that void that can't be filled? 

So I'm writing about it. Acknowledging it. Feeling what it feels like inside. It's not going to hurt me and I'm not going to hurt me to fill it. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath. Maybe I'll listen to the Hamilton soundtrack. Maybe I'll read and pet the cat.

Maybe I'll just close my eyes and feel it without filling it.

I also had another thought today: I miss me. Before I moved to Hawaii I was really enjoying cooking and baking. I was creative and people around me nurtured that. My friend Clark once said that shortly after we met I baked a cake and it was "Love at First Bite." I thought highly of myself in the kitchen and it was fun.

Living with others, and one who really is a good cook, eroded my belief in myself and my abilities. And the "funny" cutting down of my abilities or supposed lack, made me start to hate cooking. And why bake when all you hear is "we're not dessert people" or "don't make that for me because I don't like sugar."

I miss me. I miss being in the kitchen and making things I want to eat and I enjoy eating. I miss having all the ingredients to make a cake if I suddenly decide I want to bake a cake.

So this week I'm going to get all the baking items I need. I'm not planning on making bread right away or anything. But I want to have it so I can. So the woman who loves making something good can start doing that again. And I have 2 different neighbors right now that I can share with so it's a win-win. I nurture myself and others when I bake and I lost that for the last seven years.

Anyway, it's been an emotionally hard weekend. A young man of my family's acquaintance took his life and Myrna and I are both taking it a little hard. And I have the hole inside calling out loudly this weekend and all I can do is recognize it and not try to fill it. I'm tired. I'm sad. 

It's okay. Tomorrow is always a new day and there's always joy. Right now I'm going to go be quiet and let my body cry. 

 

Therapy

 

I promised myself I wasn't going to regurgitate my therapy appointments on the blog. And I'm most definitely going to keep that promise. 

Believe it or not, even I think some things are too personal to share.

But I did start therapy and for the first time in my 63 years of life: I finally have the right therapist. Now I realize that being born in 1958 and starting therapy in the 70s, there was not going to be the knowledge out there that there is now.

And being completely honest: sometimes the therapy I had was more harmful than the situations I was in therapy for. I still wince thinking of some of the therapists I've crossed paths with. Some of the things said that cut my soul.

The therapist I'm seeing was in the bariatric program when I met her and she was on her way out to start private practice. Unlike the other therapists in the program, she was open to the why of weight. She's also pursuing a career in 'trauma therapy' and well, I've decided that most women born in the 1950s - the 2000s probably have trauma (little, teeny-tiny joke there).

Anyway... I never thought that I would be in my 60s and start the work of healing my childhood. I never thought there was someone out there who actually says "eat the cookie" and has reasons why the cookie can be a good thing in your life.

I never thought there was anyone who could hear my truth without judgment and tell me that there can be healing.

And I absolutely never dreamed that instead of shame: there's life. And there's light. 

Murder, she Purred

 

I didn't expect this cat. She has cloudy eyes because apparently fire ants damaged them. Many, many missing patches of fur. A few healing cuts. Her tail looks just like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree.

I'm not a woman who ever chooses the broken one because I can fix it. But this one... I was there with Megan and Joe and all the cats kept coming to us for attention and then wandering away. She didn't leave. She stayed and waited calmly and kept reminding us she was available for petting. And when it was finally between her and a Siamese with no issues, she got aggressive and swatted away anyone who approached. She staked her claim.

I like letting the cat choose me. She chose, I agreed. 

The shelter is a no kill shelter that takes anyone and everyone and unfortunately were chaotic as heck. There was no information on any of the cats. She had no name, no health history, nothing. All I know for sure is that she's fixed and she got treated for fleas.

She's desperate for attention. She's freaked out being in an apartment where there's a lot of foot traffic outside but hopefully she gets used to it. When she's not scared of strangers though she's asking why this human has 2 hands and nether is petting her.

I was going to name her Bebe but Mollie hated the name. We got it down to 2 names: Bebe and Murder Mittens. (She has huge paws and Mollie calls them murder mittens and that's shockingly accurate.) So we let the cat decide. The cat decided on Murder.

So I'm living with Murder. I'm hoping that in a month or more there will be a lot more healing for her and her fur and well... everything (she's scrawny as heck too). And some healing for me now that I have someone to cuddle.

Me and Murder. Murder and me. 

Weekend: Reality vs. Imagination

 

It's Saturday morning. There are some things going on this weekend that have me a little stressed. So I thought I would post what's going to happen and what I think/imagine will take place and then later post what did, in fact, happen.

1. My brother and SIL are coming over today. She's never seen my apartment and he's never seen it with all the furniture.

Imagination: First of all I have to clean only because my floors are really dusty. And I need to take out garbage. But I imagine my SIL will think it's a huge mess. She'll point out my bad housekeeping and I'll feel bad.

It's SIL's birthday and bro is taking her out to lunch, they're coming over after. I'm not making any food because I'm sure they'll be full and they aren't dessert people. But I do have a bevy of drinks. But I imagine they'll be pissed cause there's nothing to eat.

Most of all I'm afraid that they won't find my place as cute as I do and I'll feel a little less about it.

REALITY: My SIL loved my  place. She was complimentary and said it felt cozy and cute and she made my heart swell. My brother was tired and grumpy and didn't say much of anything.

2. My friend Megan is supposed to come over from Kona tomorrow and bring a litter box and litter and then we're driving to an animal sanctuary and I'm adopting a cat.

Imagination: Megan won't come.

If Megan doesn't come then I have to buy a litter box and litter and adoption fees for a cat and my budget is already stretched and this will take it too far and I'll have to wait till my next payday.

Or Megan will come and forget the cat box and litter.

I'm thinking that even though the cat sanctuary is open every day it will be closed on Sunday.

I'm worried that there won't be a cat for me. 

I'm worried that all the cats will hate me.

I'm worried that no matter how much I've planned and prepared, a cat will destroy my new couch. 

I'm worried the cat will pee or poop all over everything.

REALITY: Megan just texted that she's on her way. With litter and box.

REALITY: There were plenty of cats that needed a home and I chose the one that was craving touch. She never left our sides and started chasing other cats away if they stayed too long getting pet. She's scrawny, has a bad eye and patchy fur and my heart is so full.

So I'll let you know how the reality goes. 

On Becoming the Office Bitch

 I'm blessed and I know it. I've moved into my own place and I'm learning to love it. I work from home and went from scraping every penny to being able to start paying down some debt. I don't set an alarm anymore. My work day starts when I get up and choose to start it.

But I've taken a new role at work: the office bitch.

Caveat: if I were true blue bitch then my emails would include the bosses but they don't. I'm trying to keep the doc out of it. 

Still... yesterday I sent an email to all but the bosses pointing out the things that are being done that need to not happen. I tried to be nice. I acknowledged how hard everyone is working and how much stress they're under but I still slammed. Read the superbills! I screamed in bold font. Stop hiding insurance information from the biller I underlined.

Today I sent an email to a coworker asking her not to do something in the schedule that's upsetting (moving patient's appointment times and not communicating with the patients). She wrote back and said she's never done it. Now I don't like being this bitch but here we go: every appointment has a history attached starting when the appointment is made and then logging each person who touched it and what they did. I'm not stupid. It's right there in black and white.

So I wrote back and suggested that she log out of the computer every time she walks away from it because someone is obviously going into her computer and using her log in to fuck up the schedule. Bitch, please.

These are kids (one is 20, one is 23, one is 42 and one is a grandma). And I'm the matriarch of this family and I rap knuckles. I give side-eye. I am that bitch. But I also love each one of them because they all have some beautiful qualities and I want them to succeed. I want them to walk away from this job and walk into the next one and slay. 

And this is my last job. When this ends I'll start getting social security and work something part time like driving for Uber or something but this is the last full time job I'm going to have. So I'm going to enjoy it. And do my best. 

And be the bitch because I can. Because they need me. And because my attitude comes with cookies and juice boxes so bitch... do better and then give me a hug.

Happy V or G Day

 

Happy Valentines/Galentines/Thank God I'm Single Day.

Today I'm literally stealing/copying from AztecLady's blog. 

https://herhandsmyhands.wordpress.com/      If you're not following her, you should. Amazing book reviews, she shares her art and she's just the coolest of the cool women.

To that end, if by some obscure reason you hadn’t heard about this: Romancing the Vote is back!

Through that link, you can donate directly to Fair Fight using their ActBlue links, or go on to the auction and check out the almost 600 items on offer.

Celebrate true love, give someone you love (which can totally be yourself!) something lovely/amazing/unique, along with the satisfaction of knowing they’re helping fight for democracy.

The action runs from today, at 11AM CST to this Friday, February 18 at 8PM CST

Prepare yourself for five days of furious bidding!

The first time, in December 2020, romancelandia broke the auction site (and raised almost half a million dollars); they are probably better prepared this time around, but just in case: get in early, create your account, and prepare to keep a vigilant eye on what you want–trust no one, some of these items are highly coveted and one-of-a-kind.

So the above is a direct steal. If you're political, romantical or just love bidding wars: check it out.

And also: Az is doing a movie night (I'm so going to be there). Stealing again:

And it just so happens that this year I’m hosting #RomancelandiaMovieNight, to which you are all cordially invited: every month, on the 14th, we’ll watch a movie that meets the conventions of genre romance, and live-tweet it using the hashtag.

Per the rules, in February we do not watch on the 14th, so we’ll be watching it on Friday February 18, starting at 9pm Eastern.

The movie for this month is SYLVIE’S LOVE (2020). This is an amazon production, and thus, only available on Prime.

Seriously, can this month get any better? I've meant to watch Sylvie's Love and now I'm going to have the pleasure of doing so with some of my favorite people.

Hopefully, we'll see you all there.

Love is Blind

 LOVE IS BLIND is a show on Netflix where a group of strangers meet in little rooms, not seeing each other's faces, and fall in love, get engaged, then meet, go on a honeymoon, return to the real world and within a month get married or have a spectacular wedding melt-down where harsh words are said and someone walks out in tears.

Obviously, I love it.

So the first season was in America. Then there was a season in Brazil. Now there's a second season in America as well as a season in Japan. And holy matrimony Batman! this is some seriously demented shit.

In the first season there were 2 couples who actually made it (I assume one of those 2 couples is still together because they were true adults who worked together at creating something and they were careful and respectful of each other - they were also an interracial couple so there was a lot of care given to families). 

But the first season also had the messiest vacuous blonde ever, Jessica (nicknamed Messica by all who watched) so her ass kept things intriguing especially as she kept avoiding her fiancee and trying to steal someone else's. Good times.

The Brazil season was good because there was a disaster couple but in stunning contrast there was another adult-minded, caring couple who just worked quietly together keeping a bond and building it. When they said "I do" it was a moment of relief that there was no last minute contrived drama. 

The Brazil season also had a beautiful woman who appeared seriously hoochie-mama but was a truly deep, lovely woman who deserved so much better that the asshole she got. She said no at the altar and I just found myself really hoping that she finds someone who deserves her... Jason Mamoa is available now. I wonder if he might take a trip to Brazil...?

So now we have Season 2 in America and Season 1 in Japan and omg, this is ridiculous. The American cast has chosen a couple of fat people which excited the hell out of me when they showed up in the beginning... but we haven't seen a single one since. So we have the fake blonde brigade finding love but the overweight and unconventional beauties aren't even wallpaper. Don't even see them in the shots of the dorms.

Love might be blind but the Netflix camera-people sure as fuck aren't.

And this season is a lot more sexual. The couples are in the rooms talking dirty, comparing favorite sexual positions and basically embarrassing their poor parents. I really only like maybe 2 of the women and 1 man there because they all seem ... I don't know. They're hard to care about.

Now in Japan. Wow. Some couples have gotten engaged and they have yet to hold hands. They're polite. There's such a cultural chasm and it gives me whiplash. I really want every one of those couples to work out (except the baseball coach in Kenya and the singer-songwriter because she isn't very warm and I think he can do better). 

But it's the level of respect. In America the men propose and say things like "I love you. I see us having a bright future." In Japan the men say "I will protect you. I will take care of you." And saying that isn't about sexism or infantilizing the women but rather offering the basic assurance a man can give a woman: I will be on your side and work hard to keep you safe in an unsafe world".

Anyway, I'm probably putting a lot more into these shows than they deserve but I will say that I know love doesn't have to be done face to face because I love a lot of women I've never met and will never meet and my heart is true. 

So Love is Blind. Fascinating. I'll probably write more about it because it fascinates me. 

The Luxe Life

 

My phone is refusing to upload a photo of my couch which I wanted to show you all. Especially with the pillows I made using bright, bright floral fabric from K. Fassett (my favorite fabric designer because he's bold and bright and his flower designs make my heart sing).

Anyway, I want to talk about something unimportant but weighs a lot in my thoughts about living the luxe life. 

Years ago there was a Twitter thread which started with a question asking people what they had in their life that was luxe, or made them feel pampered. Everyday life kind of things. 

Oh yay! Here's the couch!

Anyway, back to the Twitter thread...

The thread became (to me) a thread about self-care with people talking about the small things in their life which add joy. It was a silk robe, fluffy slippers, a pedicure, a charcuterie board. It was ordering a favorite tea and having a piece of art. 

When I was staying at my boss' house, it felt a lot like a home from a home improvement show on HGTV, but the after the renovations are done house. It had all the small amenities, the open floor plan, the nice kitchen and baths and all that but it didn't feel especially luxe or impressive. What got me was the towels were Egyptian cotton and the softest things I've ever encountered. It was drying yourself on a cloud. And the shower curtain in the bathroom I used was gorgeous. (I wish I'd taken a picture.)

So coming home I recognized that I'll never afford a lot of things but there are small things I can give myself that are luxe and pampering and don't break the budget.

My new shower curtain (top picture). A little surprising because I'm not a frilly kind of woman but that shower curtain is soft, pretty and in a teeny bathroom, suddenly become the focal point and makes the bathroom a happier place. (There's also a real bathtub I take baths in and my self-care self is allowing me to spend a few tens to get some bath salts and bath bombs. 

If I'm having fruit and cheese, I'm putting it on my version of a charcuterie board and dressing it up for myself. I have a fridge full of flavored waters to appease my sweet tooth as well as keep myself hydrated.

And I'm pushing myself to keep up my skin care because when I started using the toners and serums and brightening creams, my skin literally changed before my eyes. Cleaner, softer and brighter. It was fabulous.

But most importantly, I decided this weekend it was time to start gifting myself time. Time to sit and work on a project or read a book with no nagging of things that must get done. Everything gets done. It always does. But allowing myself the pleasure of not being on the clock: that's big and something I need to grace myself with.

So anyway, I'm going to have a second cup of coffee and then I've decided to learn to crochet. I have a hook, some yarn and You Tube videos. Carolyn is on speed dial. 

Much love to all of you out there.

Yo! Carolyn!

Her Hands My Hands

Go read this review. Then tell us if you've read the book or not. It sounds right up your alley.

And I started A Holiday by Gaslight which Az did a review on and it was immediately what I wanted to read. 

HBD

 I'm not going to say more cause you all know how I feel about this woman.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAROLYN!