Dear Carolyn,
I've been lost in a rabbit hole of bariatric surgery information. Joining online support groups, watching TikTok bariatric videos, reading articles and books and rewatching videos sent from my bariatric team.
And last night I melted down.
I knew it was coming. Obsession like that is a combination of needing to become a personal expert, needing to prepare and needing to hide. As long as I'm "doing my research" then I'm not dealing with the real issues. You know: like having the first surgery of my life or not being able to eat. Or having a future as a skinny person.
Or what will I do with all the excess skin?
So last night the lights went out and my brain was banging crazy in my head and I needed to slow it all down. So I put on Psyche by JooHoney/Jooheon and I cried. I cried because I'm terrified. I cried because I don't want to fuck this up. I cried because I love Patty melts and I'll bet I won't be eating those anymore. I cried because I can't imagine what my future looks like and I feel paralyzed.
I'm trying to power forward. To be as prepared as possible. Think ahead, plan ahead. Remember that I'm doing this to get surgery on my knees and stop living in pain. To be mobile again. To walk down stairs while facing forward (yeah, I can't do that).
But then I think about how I always sabotage myself and how will I do that in this instance? Can I ot do that this time/ How will I know I've got this?
I probably have about 3 months before surgery. That's a lot of time t prepare. To hopefully calm down. To get a plan in place. I'll take advantage of any therapy/counseling offered and I'll definitely continue post surgery.
Oh yeah... and I need (for myself) to take some pics in my undies to start recording the journey. Stay away from your text messages for awhile. I don't promise not to share.
Lori
It is a big decision you're making and you're allowed to be a little crazy over it. Things will settle as you become used to the idea that this is really happening. I think it boils down to lack of food/excessive skin vs worsening pain/increasing lack of mobility. Remember to factor in the fact that you're no longer a sweet young thing (no matter what your brain tells you) and long sleeves are da bomb!
ReplyDeleteYou will adjust. It'll be a new life style, but you'll adjust. Call this Old Fart anytime; I still have most of my blarney. Heh.